after that "defining moment" how long was it before you separated?

[thisisyesterday]

Sorry, thread leading on from a thread. I was just wondering, if you had a definining moment, or even a dull thud, how long was it before you actually separated.

i think i may have had my thud, but somehow i can't end it

SNAP for me too. But my DH said at the weekend, in response to a trivial thing "I don't want to hear another thing come out of your mouth all weekend." And then I've spent the book reading about abuse. And it's finally dawned on (I have posted about this before) that he is abusive. I get angry to defend myself, but he is abusive and there is nothing I can do to change that. He will get worse. He is lovely to everyone except me now (ex-wife before). All the classic signs. So I am up to my neck in childcare, study and v little work now (of course I was encouraged to give up work to make me more dependent). However, do you know? I can't stand it any more. I never ever want to have sex with him again. I can't have my children see me treated like this. DD is 10 and says she hates that I don't stand up for myself. DS is 5 and just loves his Dad who is brilliant with him. But you can't be a brilliant father if you abuse the mother of your child. So I am going. It's when now, not IF. We can live separate lives but what an example of partnership that is for the kids. And what about us? I'm 46. Do I wait till I am 60? Or get ill? No!

Erm, that day.

WasABitDifficultForMeToGoBackTiggaxx

We had a chat on Thursday and have decided to separate.

We both admitted that although we care deeply for each other we are not in love with each other. That makes me so sad as he is such a good man in so many ways and yet I can't love him.

Anyway, DD has exams in four/five weeks (albeit mock GCSE's) and so have decided not to do/say anything just yet and tell her and DS after this.

I feel a strange sense of calm, and so does he now that we've spoken about it....but that may just be because no one knows yet and it's pretty much business as usual in the house.

We also both feel oddly closer now than before, so not sure what's going on there.

Am dreading telling DC esp DS as he is so close to his dad and DD is moody door slamming, I hate you type teenager at the best of times.

Youcantlabelme - Hi, I'd really like to know what you mean by "We both admitted that although we care deeply for each other we are not in love with each other" as I think that's how I feel about my H but I am so confused as to what that means! What does 'being in love' actually mean when you've been together with someone for a long time (presuming you have been as you have a teenager!) I know I love my H but don't think I'm 'in love' with him any more.
What does it mean for you?
I might just start a thread on this and see what everyone else thinks!
Thanks

it took years....I thought I could live with the situation. We were still friends, but I didn't respect him/fancy him anymore. Well eventually it fell to pieces of course...not sad that it took so long. What it means is that I am so utterly convinced this is the right thing to do that I have no regrets, and no misgivings.

skinny hinny: It is so hard to put into words, but although I care about him, I don't want to spend my life with him (I think...I'm so unsure).

When he's out I feel a sense of 'phew he's gone out, I have four hours to myself'-that makes me sound like a complete bitch I know.And yet, when he had recently a major health issue, I was so upset and that made me wonder if things were really so bad between us, if I could feel like that too.

As you say after being together for years( will be 18 in Sept)what are you supposed to feel for each other. Does anyone still get butterflies at the thought of of their DP/DH after that length of time, or wake up thinking I really love you?

To be honest, never been in this situation before, I don't know.

Sorry, for the vague, rambling rubbish post.

I think you don't really know what your defining moment is until afterwards. I kept thinking I'd got the end of the line with my relationship but then pulled back from that. My defining moment came when I finally realised that, whatever he said, my H did not want to be with me. I would never hold on to someone who didn't want to be with me and let him go with my blessing.

But god he's been a complete arse since which, tbh, has been a good thing. I wouldn't want him back if he arrived on bended knee having won the world's most domesticated, empathetic man award!