have asked partner to leave even tho doesnt actually live with me

[missjm]

been together 4 years, have 1 yr old and nother on way, he stays with me every night but wont move in, he says he will when i get a bigger house cause theres no room for his clothes here. every mornin he goes home to his mums to pick up his packed lunch and get changed for work, soon as hes finished work its straight back to mummies for his dinner wash and change, most nights hes out somewhwre only coming back to my house when im ready to go to bed and the babies in bed, he doesnt help me do anything to improve the house because hes too tired after being at work allday, he knows it makes me unhappy he wont move in, but says im crap at cooking and dont iron enough, it just all seems like any excuse not to make a proper comitment to me, i feel like nothing will ever change with him and it makes me so sad. he doesnt seem to care about my feelings at all, he came to 1 scan with me for this baby and told me not to ask him to come to anymore cause getting time off work is hard, i have to have extra scans with this baby to monitor its growth. i love him but think its not really returned. he was married before for 8 years and still not divorced. i think ive done the right thing by asking him to go, he says im just a miserable cow, hes gone before but ive always had hom back cause i missed him. he is 39 im 31. any advice would be great.

Alouiseg talk about trying to kick someone when theyre down!

How are you feeling about the whole thing OP? If you've got no work on and a baby, it's probably a good idea to get out of the house as much as possible, see friends etc and distract yourself. Otherwise you'll be so bored even Mr Cocklodger-Supremo will seem like a welcome break from the tedium. Have you got friends/groups/something to take your mind off the dickwad?

On the benefits issue, my fiancé and I currently do not live together although we will be from May. I receive Housing Benefit and I contacted the council for advice.

They said that as long as he did not stay over at my house more than 50% of the time in an average month, so 3-4 times a week, then we would not be considered as living together. Anything more than that and we would be on tricky ground, financial contribution or no.

he has just been rnd 2c baby, didnt try 2 talk to me about anything, i gave him the phone back he brought me for my birthday, think if we r not togetha he shouldnt have to pay for my phonebills, am not sure what to do about the payments for sofas tho, he got them on credit in his name, registered at his mums, it will take 2yrs for them to b paid off, they r comftable but wasnt my choice, i thought if he had the things he liked and wanted here he might be more inclined to move in, i dont think i can afford 2 pay 4 them all mself, should i offer to pay half tho? other than that i cant seem to eat anything and have no energy, feel knackered walking up the stairs, am trying really hard not to breakdown in front of daughter. can someone please say something to make me smile

Who is paying for the sofas at the moment?

In all fairness it seems that whoever keeps them should pay for them.

missjm, you're doing brilliantly, honestly!

Do you think he's trying to play it cool by not talking to you? How grown up is that? You've got 2 children together and splitting up and he isn't even man enough to talk to you?

I don't know him obviously, but do you think he's just trying to bide his time until you beg him to come back? He obviously he thinks he's a real catch, mr 2 sofas, fuck all else to his name.

You need to eat, I know you probably don't feel like it but it's no wonder you've no energy if you're not eating. Is there anything you love, but don't usually have because he doesn't like it? Spoil yourself!

When was the last time you got together with your girlfriends for some fun? Could you organise something for tomorrow or the weekend, something to look forward to?

Chin up chicken, if you're really struggling, get out your pen and paper and make a pros and cons list - remind yourself why you're doing this.

only had them 4 wks ago, he was the one who said he'd pay for them cause he was the 1 who wanted them, very expensive layzeeboy things, suppose you right, if there in my house, my responsibility,

Well, if he wanted them, then he should keep them, and pay for them. Put your foot down and say "You wanted them - you sort it out! I'm not paying for your sofas!"

But I don't think you can really keep them, and expect him to pay for them if you aren't together any more.

Well, I would keep the sofas and let him pay for them......Why shouldn't he pay something?

thanx wubblybubbly he's not the father of my oldest child tho. think with the list of pros n cons there'd be 2 pros n 100 cons! as for going out with friends im afraid i was 1 of those idiots that soon as i got what i thought was proper boyfriend, i stopped going out, thats why i emjoyed going to work in the bar, i got to know every1 that came in, it was more like going out than going to work.

Just thinking missjm, it's the right time of year for a lot of new courses starting up, nothing heavy, but maybe something you've always fancied doing, photography, computers, life drawing . Could you maybe get some baby sitting help and see if there's anything going on in your area? It would be a great way to meet people and to get out of the house and do something for you.

What about family, do you have anyone close by who you can do things with? Or with a new baby, a local toddler type group? I'm the least social person in the world but when I was stuck in with DS and suffering PND it was a real lifeline for me. I met some wonderful women, got a new social scene going on and I'm still in touch with most of them now. I don't like to think of you stuck in on your own with nothing to look forward to.

the only family iv got is dad n brother, cant say to much to them about things, my midwife tole me to stop telling dad about problems with [him] and if say to much to brother he will want to kill him, neither of them are fans of his

as for courses i would love to do photography, always wanted to do photos at gigs and festivals, used to love going to them and being in the moshpit, all changed when met him tho, good idea, thamks
did your pnd last for long?

missjm, that's brilliant, who knows, you might just be on the verge of a whole new brilliant career! I hope you remember me when you're collecting your first international award!

Your Dad and brother sound like they could be a great support for your right now, although I think your midwife is probably right about being careful what information you share, since no doubt your ex will still be involved in your lives to see your little one.

I was sort of lucky with the pnd thing, as I'd had a bout of depression previously, so knew what was happening to me. My GP was great, got me some CBT sorted out really quickly and I was on anti-depressants for about 8 months. I started to feel better quite quickly once the help was in place.

Could you not ask the ex to take his sofas and get yourself something you like? Reclaim your home for your new start! Even you have to check out freegle to get you sorted out, it's quite empowering to be surrounded by things you chose because you like them!

Aw missjm I'm sorry you're having such a hard time tonight. Do you have any friends you used to go out with living near you? With facebook etc now people are much more chilled about meeting up after years apart.

Are you going to ante-natal classes as lots of people seem to make friends there?

Lots of libraries have story time for tiny kids, have a look on the notice board or ask a librarian.

Great idea re: course too. Lots of colleges have creches nowadays.

PMSL at "Mr 2 sofas"! Yep it says something when a man's furniture is so much classier than he is.

If the credit is in his name and registered at his Mum's place, I'd arrange for the sofas to be shifted to his place, and not think about them again. You can go get some cheap comfy things that you actually like. Why saddle yourself with debts (2 years of payments?) to buy something you don't actually want?

Courses and toddler groups are great ideas. A whole new life, missJM!