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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

have asked partner to leave even tho doesnt actually live with me

90 replies

missjm · 22/03/2010 22:05

been together 4 years, have 1 yr old and nother on way, he stays with me every night but wont move in, he says he will when i get a bigger house cause theres no room for his clothes here. every mornin he goes home to his mums to pick up his packed lunch and get changed for work, soon as hes finished work its straight back to mummies for his dinner wash and change, most nights hes out somewhwre only coming back to my house when im ready to go to bed and the babies in bed, he doesnt help me do anything to improve the house because hes too tired after being at work allday, he knows it makes me unhappy he wont move in, but says im crap at cooking and dont iron enough, it just all seems like any excuse not to make a proper comitment to me, i feel like nothing will ever change with him and it makes me so sad. he doesnt seem to care about my feelings at all, he came to 1 scan with me for this baby and told me not to ask him to come to anymore cause getting time off work is hard, i have to have extra scans with this baby to monitor its growth. i love him but think its not really returned. he was married before for 8 years and still not divorced. i think ive done the right thing by asking him to go, he says im just a miserable cow, hes gone before but ive always had hom back cause i missed him. he is 39 im 31. any advice would be great.

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 23/03/2010 09:08

This is a wind up????!!

Original poster
missjm · 23/03/2010 09:14

after my maternity leave and pay finished i enquired about benefits, i was not entitled to benefits as i had 2 much savings in the bank, there doesnt seem to be much left anymore tho so will have to reapply soon, dont want to be on benefits people seem to think youre 2nd class citizen if you dont work, dont have lot of choice tho, dont think any1 wants to employ 20wk pregnant women, so for all those concerned about benefit fraud, the only benefit i have at the moment is my bed to mself!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 23/03/2010 09:19

2nd class citizen?? no. you'll be a lone parent...that means a special,strong kind of person,someone who wont accept a crappy relationship as a compromise for 'being a family'.....

you'll have mor self esteem on your own,take a look at the relationships section here.....full of women with amazingly bad men in their lives,being treated as doormats so they can carry on looking the part at the school gates!!!

SolidGoldBrass · 23/03/2010 09:45

You are right about it being almost impossible to get a job at 20 wks PG, BUT the benefits agency take this into account and a woman in this condition is not expected to seek work. I know this because I lost my job at around 20 wks PG (it wasn't discrimination, the entire project was shut down) and the benefits office said that it was understood that seeking work at that stage of PG was pretty futile and I would go straight onto income support.

ShadeofViolet · 23/03/2010 10:35

You are well shot of this idiot - let his Mum look after him while you look after your DC's.

I thought my DH needed to cut the apron strings, but he is nowhere near this bad!

lycheemartini · 23/03/2010 10:45

Hi missjm, not much to add to those above saying you're much better off without him, you need to find some inner strength, but you will feel so much happier in the long term that you are no longer being made a fool of, and that you were the one to put an end to it.

TubbyDuffs · 23/03/2010 10:50

OMG have to admit I'm wondering who wipes his arse for him!!! He sounds like a prize feckwit.

GypsyMoth · 23/03/2010 11:52

has he contacte you today op??

Original poster
missjm · 23/03/2010 13:10

he fetched late birthday prez rnd sunday aftnoon from his relatives 4 baby, wouldnt let him in tho, no contact since, he will stay away now until his mum makes him come round 2 try n talk, (usually about 10 days)

OP posts:
wubblybubbly · 23/03/2010 13:33

missjm, how you feeling about all of this? Do you think you've finally reached breaking point?

Kathyjelly · 23/03/2010 13:45

You've done the right thing. No doubt.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 23/03/2010 13:47

OP, the world is not 'full' of useless fuckwits, you've just been unlucky. I cannot believe that a grown man of 39 is happy to live in his parents house and be treated like a child. Serious ishoos.

Alouiseg · 23/03/2010 14:27

I still don't believe this thread at all! Nothing adds up especially how op has supported herself over the years.

BattyKoda · 23/03/2010 15:06

1 year old and 20 weeks pregnant?

JoeyBettany · 23/03/2010 15:19

What's about having a 1 year old and being 20 weeks?

I have a 13 month old and I could easily have conceived when she was 7 months, which would be the same, no?

BattyKoda · 23/03/2010 15:23

Am thick....ignore me

Alouiseg · 23/03/2010 15:25

True, i was pg with dc2 when dc1 was 9 months old. But had dh been as much of a twunt as op's dp (d standing for dick in this case) I wouldnt have rushed to have another baby with him, in fact i would have done my utmost to put the fecker out with the trash.

Too many acronyms for 1 post??

JoeyBettany · 23/03/2010 19:06

what kind of a relationship do your dc's have with their paternal grandparents, OP?

are they involved with them at all?

Original poster
missjm · 23/03/2010 19:16

i have supported myself over the years like most people do, by going to work. i got smp up until few months ago, i didnt go back to work so have been living on savings n money from ex as didnt qualify for income support, you live within your means, i dont have massive outgoings.
might be hard to believe that ive been a idiot 4 so long but unfortunatly its all true.

OP posts:
Original poster
missjm · 23/03/2010 19:29

the grandparents of baby adore him, they would have him round there every day if they could, it makes it awkward going rnd when me n him not speaking tho, i get on ok with them altho a lot of the time they call me by his wifes name which is upsetting, and few wks ago they was planning to take baby to get his hair cut without telling me which made me

OP posts:
Tryharder · 23/03/2010 21:03

My brother is a lot like this man unfortunately. He has "relationships" with women - for the most part single parents on benefits. He has "lived" with these women (i.e stayed there every night) but kept a base elsewhere where he has his post sent to(usually my parents house) so the girlfriend in question can still continue to claim benefits as a single parent, even though in reality she's cohabiting.

What this in reality means is that the man distances himself from the relationship - he has no reason to commit himself, he puts nothing of himself into the relationship - the house isn't his, he contributes nothing financially, he gets sex on tap, lives in a nice house paid for by someone else. He has no vested interest in making the relationship work because he has invested nothing in it. Believe me, there are plenty of men out there like this.

JoeyBettany · 23/03/2010 21:09

Poor you- it's not going to be easy to get rid of him in your situation at the moment, with impending drama of new baby etc.

If i were you, I'd keep reading this thread to remind myself of what a waste of space he is, remind myself that he would Make work- not help with dcs and there are much much worse things than being a single mum.

I've been there, 6 years ago, and after a few weeks, I felt as if a massive burden had been lifted. It took a few years, though, if I'm honest for all my feelings towards ex to completely die away- and yes, he was probably even worse than your dh- a true cocklodger and petty criminal to boot.

maristella · 23/03/2010 21:10

just what exactly has he given you?
from your post all i can see if that he comes around to sleep with you!
please don't allow him to come back!!!
you need him as far away from you emotionally as possible in order for you to get your self respect back

Alouiseg · 23/03/2010 21:25

No, still not convinced.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 24/03/2010 01:31

Goodness, MissJM, if my in-laws called me the wrong name and tried to take my daughter for haircuts without asking me, I wouldn't describe that as getting along well at all. You are a very, very tolerant person.

Alouiseg, you are under no obligation to read the thread if you don't believe it.