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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

have asked partner to leave even tho doesnt actually live with me

90 replies

missjm · 22/03/2010 22:05

been together 4 years, have 1 yr old and nother on way, he stays with me every night but wont move in, he says he will when i get a bigger house cause theres no room for his clothes here. every mornin he goes home to his mums to pick up his packed lunch and get changed for work, soon as hes finished work its straight back to mummies for his dinner wash and change, most nights hes out somewhwre only coming back to my house when im ready to go to bed and the babies in bed, he doesnt help me do anything to improve the house because hes too tired after being at work allday, he knows it makes me unhappy he wont move in, but says im crap at cooking and dont iron enough, it just all seems like any excuse not to make a proper comitment to me, i feel like nothing will ever change with him and it makes me so sad. he doesnt seem to care about my feelings at all, he came to 1 scan with me for this baby and told me not to ask him to come to anymore cause getting time off work is hard, i have to have extra scans with this baby to monitor its growth. i love him but think its not really returned. he was married before for 8 years and still not divorced. i think ive done the right thing by asking him to go, he says im just a miserable cow, hes gone before but ive always had hom back cause i missed him. he is 39 im 31. any advice would be great.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 22/03/2010 23:03

so how will you survive now?

Original poster

missjm · 22/03/2010 23:06

he will still support the baby, my bills will be less cause hes not here raiding the cupboards and leaving the telly fire n lights on all night

OP posts:

templemaiden · 22/03/2010 23:06

ThreeBlondeBoys - it is perfectly possible to survive and bring up 2 kids without a man - trust me!

GypsyMoth · 22/03/2010 23:08

templemaiden.....i'm a lone parent with 5 dc,so i kinda know that!!

i was asking how you supported yourselves with him not living with you op,do you work?

Original poster

missjm · 22/03/2010 23:19

didnt go back to work after having baby, worked in a bar, i dont seem to have any confidence left anymore, thought of standing behind a bar again is terrifying! all of the little comments like your hairs shit, that make uo doesnt suit you, what r u wearing? seems to take there toll after a while.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 22/03/2010 23:22

so you were financially ependent on this man?

you will need to call council and dwp for help then,and the csa of course.

Original poster

missjm · 22/03/2010 23:24

time for bed now, ive got 10 yr old daughter 2, so need 2 b up for school run, 1st time ive ever used this, thanx for all advice n comments

OP posts:

arsesandoldlace · 22/03/2010 23:24

So am I right in thinking you're on benefits, income support as a lone parent yes?
And he's been sponging off you all this time, using your heating, television, loo? It all adds up when you're on a tiny budget. You'll be better off emotionally AND financially without him, what a waste of skin he sounds. Sorry.

mrsboogie · 22/03/2010 23:25

did you say you were 31 OP?

GypsyMoth · 22/03/2010 23:26

no,she int say she was on any benefits....well she wont be because she's had him stay the night,every night. and that would be a benefit cheat!!

Original poster

missjm · 22/03/2010 23:27

csa are complete waste of time, gave them the address for my daughters father years ago, have never received a penny

OP posts:

arsesandoldlace · 22/03/2010 23:29

He's not living there though. There's no rule as to how many nights a person can stay over someone's house. Let's not get into this debate though, we'll be here allll night.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/03/2010 23:31

MissJM: you might need to have a bit of a think about who the hell taught you that you should put up with crap like this just so as not to be single?

expatinscotland · 22/03/2010 23:33

tell him to hit the road!

just leave the skeleton key in the lock so he can't get in and tape a note on the door saying 'we are through. it's over.'

BitOfFun · 22/03/2010 23:41

There is no benefit cheating if they are not a household or living as a couple. Which it doesn't sound like they are.

wastingaway · 22/03/2010 23:47

Is that true? He could stay every night and it wouldn't count as benefit fraud?

OP, you will be so better off without him.

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 22/03/2010 23:54

dont know why i want to know?

but did he live with his wife presumably? for 8 yrs? then went to live with his parents again?

neither here nor there. just being nosey.

miss - just tell him to give you back key next time he's round. hes too much of a wooss not going to put up much debate about whether or not he wants to live with you or his mother anyway by sound of it.

he prefers being treated like a child. if you hang around might end up being you instead of his parents having to molly coddle him.

your partner should be an adult. not an extra child to feed and clothe

ShinyAndNew · 22/03/2010 23:59

It's benefit fraud if they are living as couple financially i.e. sharing bills, food costs etc. He can stay every night if he doesn't pay or it doesn't matter if he never stays if he is paying towards things.

I was accused of benefit fraud after some jobsworth at the council question the £15 per month that my partner was paying into my savings account. Even though he had his own house, paid his own council tax etc. Comtributed nothing but the £15 which was being saved up for xmas presents.

YOu are entitled to £20 p/w 'extra' be it from maintenace or whatever. Anything over that is taken from your benefits.

wastingaway · 23/03/2010 00:05

So, if someone's saddled with a pure cocklodger, who doesn't contribute financially, the woman is entitled to full benefits? Blimey.

wubblybubbly · 23/03/2010 00:10

Sounds like he's got the life of reilly

OP I honestly think you've done the right thing. Really, what on earth does he add to your life? Can you think of anything positive in having him around?

I can't stop singing Janet bloody Jackson now - what have you done for me lately.....?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 23/03/2010 00:40

Jesus H Christ, well don't let him come back this time. If you're a barlady can't you find somewhere nicer to work? I used to do waitressing/bar work and never got any comments like that!

He's an absolute arsecandle, please don't waste any more time catering to his needs (for crap sex I assume), just concentrate on having fun with your kids, seeing your friends and looking after yourself. IME you get the men you think you deserve, so be assured you are far too nice and decent for this sperm donor, and accept no substitutes for someone who treats you like a queen.

BitOfFun · 23/03/2010 00:51

wastingaway, no- if he's a pure cocklodger living off her, then his income would be take into account. If mummy and daddy still look after him, he can do what he likes at night, without being a member of the woman's household. Likewise, if he runs his own house but sleeps over anywhere else and doesn't pool his finances with his girlfriend, then they are not considered to be living together.

Of course, this guy should be supporting the OP and contributing properly, but in a way it's a good thing he isn't, as it makes it much easier for her to dump him.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/03/2010 02:34

Jesus. He's 39 and his mummy makes his lunch and does his laundry? And he won't move in with you because you don't iron enough?

OP, the good news is, your life is about to drastically improve.

mummiedearest · 23/03/2010 02:54

OMG the world is full of guys who cant / wont take responsibility and why would he. hes got the life of riley being doted on by the sainted mother and you motherering his kids and providing goods and services. All youve got here is your third child, when you deserve a supportive partner. Tell this joker to grow up and ditch him. fast. he thinks you need him. girl- you dont!

GypsyMoth · 23/03/2010 09:06

i dont think op will be looking for a job right now,as she's pregnant

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