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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with an angry man

103 replies

mebaasmum · 22/03/2010 10:54

How do you deal with living with someone who is constantly angry, DS2 especially seems to not be able to do anything right. The smallest thing like not putting his shoes away is enough for rage. Then he complains ds2 doesnt talk to him!!!. There is alot going on to make DP angry/depressed but its not healthy to live with

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 10:57

well, quite simply, I wouldn't

why do you feel that you have to ?

ninedragons · 22/03/2010 11:01

Nor would I. It is very, very damaging for children to grow up around an uncontrollably angry parent.

LadyBiscuit · 22/03/2010 11:03

You don't. Your children don't deserve to live with a parent like that.

Bucharest · 22/03/2010 11:07

I don't.
And you shouldn't.
Are you and your children treading on eggshells all the time?
Pack. Leave. Make him leave.
Don't bring your childre up in this atmosphere of fear and being on tenterhooks.
We all have things going on in our lives that make us angry or sad. It's no excuse to treat others badly.

Original poster
mebaasmum · 22/03/2010 11:09

I know you are all right. He seems to think everyone else is to blame for his problems

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 11:14

he is a grown man, isn't he ?

I bet he can control his "anger" with his mates, or his boss, or his mum

yes ?

in which case, he isn't being "angry" with you and your dc...he is verbally abusing you

does he ever get physical, even "accidentally-on-purpose" or being just a bit too handy with the the pushing and throwing stuff around ?

aseriouslyblondemoment · 22/03/2010 11:19

AF is right
my exh was like this
note the bold

WombFrootShoot · 22/03/2010 11:21

Your poor little boy. How old is he?

Original poster
mebaasmum · 22/03/2010 11:23

He has no tolerance of his parents what so ever and no he cant control his temper at work. I think he is worse there. Never physical but yes it is emotional abuse

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 11:30

can he hold down a job ?

how do you know he is worse at work ?

anyway, those are important points but essentially irrelevant

what is more relevant is that you are putting your dc's in a position where they are being emotionally abused

I am sorry to point this out, but you need to protect your children

scully777 · 22/03/2010 11:30

The best thing for your husband is to see a GP ASAP. There are some great non-addictive antidepressants that can make a world of difference. But I know it can be hard to convince him to give it a try?

GooseyLoosey · 22/03/2010 11:30

My dh can be like this sometimes. I accept that it is not ideal but on balance he is a great dad and all adults are imperfect in some way. The key is to minimise the impact of his behaviour on you and the dcs(assuming that you want to stay together).

If dh snaps and bellows (I would stress that his rage is not physical), I tell him in front of the dcs that that behaviour is not acceptable and then I take the dcs out and explain why daddy has got so angry over a little thing and that it is not alright and daddy needs to say sorry.

I wait for dh to calm down and then explain that it was OK for him to be angry with (usually) ds but it is not OK for him to have expressed his anger in that way. It is like having another child.

dh and ds have a great relationship most of the time and whilst explosive rage is always a bad thing, I do not necessarilly think that such a parent should never be allowed near their children.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 11:32

goosey, do you ever leave your children in the care of your DH ?

just out of interest...

WombFrootShoot · 22/03/2010 11:33

I'm sorry GooseyLoosey but I really feel that as a child, (well as an adult as well actually) being around someone who BELLOWS at you and loses his temper in an "explosive bad rage" is hugely damaging and ABUSIVE.

GooseyLoosey · 22/03/2010 11:37

I do - I have no choice as I work.

We are very open as a household so I am aware of what happens when I am not there, the dcs would tell me if dh did not.

Because dh only shouts and I have always blunted the force of his rage, the dcs are not scared of him and I am not scared of what he will do. I know he would never hurt them and I know that I can deal with anything he has done when I get home. He knows I would not tolerate him hurting them and that would be the end. He shouts as an effective release for rage so nothing else happens.

It is not ideal and it does not happen often. I have made dh do anger management type stuff but to little avail. I have decided that overall my children are better off with the father they have than leaving.

GooseyLoosey · 22/03/2010 11:40

WombFrootShoot, I understand why you say that and I intend to agree that it does have an adverse impact, but so in my view would leaving. My children are very attached to dh and not intimidated by him at all.

I have given this a great deal of thought and while my knee jerk reaction would be that this is terrible, I have decided that there is little evidence that it is any more terrible than a parent who is stressed and snaps sometimes or a critical parent or an unsupportive parent. I guess what I am saying is that no parent is perfect and having watched dh and the dcs, I am not sure that his failings are any worse than any other parents' failings.

WhoIsAsking · 22/03/2010 11:43

No.

You are effectively teaching your children that it's ok to act this way because although you "make him apologise" to the children, he just continues to do it.

The behaviour never changes. This will have consequences for your DC's in their future. Please don't believe that it won't because all the evidence is to the contrary. Oh, and BTW, he is hurting them. Maybe not physically, but damage is being done.

I also do not believe that you should be advising somebody to stay in an abusive relationship TBH.

WhoIsAsking · 22/03/2010 11:45

oh, and I'm wombfrootshot BTW, namechanged for a laugh last week.

Bucharest · 22/03/2010 11:45

Goosey- How do you think your children will view their childhood once they are adults?

I adored my father, loved him to bits. Had anyone asked me when I was 6/12/16 I would have defended him to the hilt and said he had been a perfect dad.

40 odd years down the line I know he was a bullying immature violent idiot. I know he scared my Mum to death. I can remember the Sunday afternoons when I wouldn't be allowed to make a noise in the house because he was dozing in front of the football and would be angry if he got disturbed.

Just because your children aren't telling you they are unhappy, doesn't mean they aren't.

MadameCastafiore · 22/03/2010 11:49

I would leave - I work in the NHS in a unit where we deal with adolescents with problems and their main problems are not being taught by parents to deal approporiatly with emotion - be it desire, anger, or sadness.

Working there has actually made me rethink my while view on parenting and I believe that teaching children how to deal with their emotions and express them healthily is the most important thing we can do for them.

GooseyLoosey - we look aftera young girl who has grown up in that kind of atmosphere - she has tried to kill herself on more than one occasion and thinks the wrongs of the world are her doing. Letting your child live in that sort of atmosphere is letting your child be abused.

He needs to gethelp immediately and you need to stop treating him like another child infront of your children - what will your DH do when they patronise him like you are doing? Will he bellow louder? Will he hit them?? FFS what sort of lesson are you treating your shildren how a gorwn up relationship is supposed to be - ooohhhh it is ok for daddy to behave like this and not learn as long as mummy tells him off after and he says sorry - really really not healthy!

cestlavielife · 22/03/2010 11:51

Read lundy bancroft - why does he do that insides the minds of angry and controlling men

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=126925859 6&sr=8-1-spell

goosey - as you said "It is like having another child. " why do you accept that mother role? why is it your role to "blunt teh full force of his rage"?

(i know - no answer - i did it for long time with my exP...)

is it really ok to live with a shouty angry person??/ i dont think so....does he ever go away for a few days? what is life like wihtout the wondering: is he going to get angry?

why does he not take responsibility for his behaviour and think of another way to express his anger?

if a teacher constantly bellowed at your dcs you would be cross, right? you would march into the headteacher and complain about this teacher?

or would you not? would you take your scared dcs to the side and say "it is ok, he just got a bit angry..."

LadyBiscuit · 22/03/2010 11:53

I grew up in a house like Bucharest. It was not fun. And we were scared of my dad, even though my mum liked to pretend to herself that we weren't

Kiwinyc · 22/03/2010 11:54

Has your Dh been treated for depression?

MrsPixie · 22/03/2010 12:04

It is highly abusive to live with an angry parent. It is a horrible, horrible way to live as a child. The unpredictability, the atmosphere, the feeling that you can never, ever bring anyone home. The fear that you can't express yourself for fear of bearing the brunt of an adults rage...I could go on.

Please leave him.

btw Goosey you are normalising abusive behavior towards your children

teaandcakeplease · 22/03/2010 12:04

I grew up with a father who flew into terrible rages if he couldn't find something and thought one of us had it (usually tools with 4 older brothers). He also, when he got cross if we were naughty, couldn't just hit us once but would hit us multiple times before calming down.

My mum did her best to try and do damage control whenever she could see he was starting to get het up. And spent their whole marriage doing the best she could for her DCs and loving my Dad through it all.

I'm not a scarred adult. Since he has retired and is not running a business he has calmed a lot. He still is a grumpy old man and victor meldrew but we all love him very very much and accept the fact his temper is part of who he is. Only the OP can decide what is best, providing he is not getting violent and not swearing etc in front of DCs or verbally abusing them. Then my first advice wouldn't be "leave him".

I think he should go and see the GP and see if they can help him. He may even find some counseling helpful though. He does need some help.

FWIW my parents are still married and are really happy together, despite everything, and all of us kids know it's just who he is but love him anyway, probably thanks to our mum when growing up and how she dealt with it all.