Living with an angry man

[mebaasmum]

How do you deal with living with someone who is constantly angry, DS2 especially seems to not be able to do anything right. The smallest thing like not putting his shoes away is enough for rage. Then he complains ds2 doesnt talk to him!!!. There is alot going on to make DP angry/depressed but its not healthy to live with

Daily Mail has actually written a decent article on relationships today which is relevant in the circumstances:-

No one wants to be proved wrong, which is why so many of us choose to stick with a bad relationship rather than admit we made a bad choice.

But staying in an unhappy relationship for five years is a mistake - and staying in it for a lifetime is a catastrophe.

Far better to stop defending the decision you made way back when and start considering a new decision based on what's happening now.

Life can be hard enough without choosing someone difficult to share it with. No one finds it easy to end a relationship, but the sooner you recognise what's happening and take control, the less hurt you will suffer.

Goosey

You write that he is a "great Dad" but is he truly a great man?. I often find that women who write "well he is a good Dad" or comments of that ilk actually write that because they themselves can say nothing good about him personally.

I think I will bow of out this conversation. I have no intention of further justifying my life.

I have clearly thought about all of this and dh is not violent towards the dcs - ever.

I am not a perfect parent, I could find many faults with my own parents parenting. You do your best. dh is a good man but not a perfect one and he does his best too. You manage what you have.

Mumsnet often presents a very black and white view which is not the reality that many of us live. I don't believe that leaving dh would have any advantages to the dcs that would not be hugely outweighed by the disadvantages.

It would also be nice to have a conversation once where the word "abuse" was not used with such abandon.

It does sometimes happen that we are under pressure or stressed and we don't always deal with that well. Is it possible for you to talk frankly with him about the damage his behaviour does to others. It sounds as if he wasn't always like this? Can you pinpoint where things went wrong?

You must protect your children, after all they have done nothing to deserve anger and abuse. On a personal note however, I did have a similar issue with my husband and my eldest son, his stepson. They were constantly at loggerheads, neither were behaving well, but as I kept reminding my husband, he was the adult!! Eventually things got so bad, I gave him an ultimatum, "either sort out your attitude, lets go for family counselling, or this relationship (with me) will not work!!" It sounds harsh, but in fact he was feeling the same - he didn't like the angry man he had become, we sought help and things are sooooo much better.

The problem with ultimatums is that you have to mean it and you can only give one!! I was fairly sure that my husband wanted things to change and was unhappy too, but I was quite clear that my son's welfare must come first.

Good luck, hope you have a good man there who will want to fight for (not with) his family.

Last comment - Atilla, he is a flawed man but I can say much good about him. He is compassionate, kind, strives to do his best, loving, loyal and yes, basically a good man.

As a father he is engaged, loving, prepared to spend time with them, interested in them and there whenever they need him.

He is prepared to admit that he is flawed and I hope that the dcs are aware of this but that he is fundamentally a good man.

At the risk of being vilified here, I think that goosey is making a fair point. I can't tell you that I have never lost my temper with my children. I think there is a big difference between sustained hostility and a person who infrequently loses their rag!! Being pc is one thing, being judgemental is quite another

Thanks everyone. Its really useful to get different perspectives

Goosey - I hope you never get to see the emotionally damaged youngsters I do from living in an atmosphere like this.

And it may be that they are normal until puberty or until they start a relationship and they are very angry and treat their spouse and children as your husband does and then either the spouse is damaged or their children are. It may be that they find that acting out the way their father does is frowned upon in normal society outsiode the home and so they internalise that anger and damage themselves by making bad life choices, exhibiting risky behaviour or maybe self harm.

You as a mother are letting your children be abused (and it is not bandied about willy nilly - it is emotional abuse FACT - would be so stated in law and by the medical profession.)

If he is that much of a good man he will be able to see that his behaviour isn't acceptable and as a good mum you should make him get help and stop this behaviour infront of his children immediately.

I wonder if Goosey's husband shouts at her as well, or whether it's pretty much just the DS. It's terribly sad.

I don't know who is asking but if DH acted like that no matter how good he was in other aspects of his life I would make sure he got help.

Let me ask you Goosey - do you think it is acceptable to someone to come up to your DCs in the street and shout at them like your DH does?

If no what message are you sending them that it is ok that the man who is supposed to love and care for them is allowed to do this and does so frequenbtly but it is wrong for someone who has no physical or emotional attachment to them to do so - because society and their mother deem it wrong.

I think it is very sad if you have to rely on your children to tell tales on daddy about what goes on at home when you are out working

that is shocking, truly shocking

Children who have grown up with this kind of parent will have the emotional breaks on, of course they seem "Ok" with it now - their survival depends on keeping emotions and behavior in check. They are quietly in fear and that fear is building up like a pressure cooker.

It is such a horrible way to live and MC is right, it will manifest later in their relationships and self esteem.

It is abuse, absolutely.

All those that are villifying Goosey need to accept that these decisions are made. Some children cope, some don't!

I had a horrible childhood, similar to the scenarios here and slightly worse also.

In actual fact in many ways I wish my mum had stayed with my Step dad as, once they split, my mum completely changed, and battles terribly with depression and alcoholisim. This gave me extra burdens that I had to deal with, sometimes a lot worse than what I had to cope with before.

But as I child I;
I self harmed from the age of 10, not in an attention seeking way, I learnt very early how to hurt myself without leaving much of a mark or do it in places no one would see.

I simply wan't able to feel certain emotions.

I didn't value myself, had sex very young and all manner of things.

BUT you are the mothers allowing this to happen, and I cannot 'forgive' my mum for abusing me, and allowing me to be abused.

So don't expect that all might be fine and dandy for you, it will also have a large impact!

"some children cope and some children don't"

I wouldn't be taking those kinds of risks with the emotional well-being of my own kids for the sake of a relationship with a man

no way, no how

Af I wish you had been my mum

aww, pb, I could be your honourary mum

LOL

"All those that are villifying Goosey need to accept that these decisions are made"

Um, don't think anyone is "villifying" her actually. But I, personally, do not think that saying to someone whose partner is repeatedly losing their temper and bellowing at their children "There, there, it'll probably be ok" is particularly helpful.

I actually held back a lot on what I really want to say about the situation.

so did I, WIA

believe it, or not

I wonder if we're coming down with something AF?

Don't hold back on my account girls!

I already have, WIA

I have a horrible, hacking cough, a tight chest and aching joints nice

seriously, goosey, I really have no wish to upset or attack your choices

I have no idea, other than what you have posted, what your family life is like

I am, however, interested as to why you didn't respond with spitting outrage to my post of 13:17

I dunno.

Can't help thinking of the other thread about the mum saying 'AIBU to think that as I'm a loving, giving mum it's ok if I get a bit shouty with the kids', cue loads of messages of support: 'Oh god yes I shout all the time, it's normal. You sound like a great mum, it's love that matters' etc.

Not making excuses for shouty men at all but why is it deemed ok if a mummy loses her rag (justifiably) and a daddy does it (leave him, he's an abuser).

Well AF, as I said, I am not going to get drawn into justifying myself and responding would have just degenerated into a bun fight. You are wrong, I know that, that is enough for me.

All I was trying to do was say that there are alternatives to the usual "leave him" comments and if what they are dealing with and you can look at strategies for managing it. I can see that I am in a minority in holding this view though!

Goosey Loosey said

I am assuming he doesn't lose his temper all the time but sometimes. I have seen many many threads where a majority of women admit to shouting at/ losing their temper with their children. These admissions are genrally treated with support and sympathy.

However, obviously if it is a man doing the shouting, his wife should remove them from the family home immediately as they are being abused .

On the OP
so there is obviously a great deal going on at home. I think you can only decide yourself what you are willing to put up with. Does your dh admit he is wrong?