Am desperate for opinions/advice- don't know what to do. DP says my nagging is making him very very unhappy.

[wheresmypaddle]

I have been brave and not namechanged.

DP & and I have been together 6 years. We have an almost 3yo son. I work PT, currently 3 days. DP works strange hours-he is a sportsman so he competes and teaches people. Its a job he loves, but the money is poor. However, I support him in his job because I think he is lucky to love his work- despite the fact that at times money has been very short. He works hard but not quite full time hours and works weekends.

He has had an intermittent gambling problem over the past few years. Finally, just before Christmas he admitted the extent of the problem. He seems to be trying really hard to sort this problem- he has arranged payment plans to deal with his debts, closed his credit cards down, attends GA weekly and has admitted his problem to some close friends. Due to the gambling and his low wage I bring in about 75% of our household income. I am proud that he is facing his demons.

We have had ups and downs including a 9mth break when DS was about 13months. This was precipated by a long period of me having enough of feeling like I was doing everything and him ignoring what I thought was a clear need for more support with DS. Both of us found the transition to being new parents difficult, but while I struggled on, he withdrew and spent a lot of time with friends and playing sport. It came to a head when after 6 evenings in on my own he broke one of many promises to bath DS- I called him begging for a break and he told me he would come home when he was ready- I saw red and bundled DS up and wheeled him in the pram to DP's friends and left him with DP while I went to visit a friend. I guess it sounds drastic to do that but I really needed some help. That evening we had a huge row, I told him that if he didn't help more he would have to leave, which he did. He was very upset but just walked out. He lived with friends for 12 months, the first 3 he was on his own, then he met OW, they split after 3 months. Then a few weeks later he announced he wanted to come back home and for us to try again. I needed to be convinced he was willing to change so after 6 months of him being much more supportive I agreed to him moving back in.

Fast forward to now, our relationship has been better (I thought), it has been great to have him back and to be a family again. There has been some improvement on the helping out front, particularly with DS but in the main I still feel I do too much- all shopping, cooking, cleaning, majority of childcare (he has DS all day Mon, and plays with him in the eves), I make all arrangements for childcare, and run DS around, make sure all bills are paid etc etc.. I just feel like I take responsibility for everything by 'default'. Any requests from me to help are seen by DP as "ordering him about".

I have not made a huge deal of the situation because there are things I love about him very much and am aware noone is perfect, also I constantly feel guilty that I cannot manage everything by myself so I try to manage it all as much as possible.

Yesterday I asked him to take DS to mums this morning (she looks after him on a Wednesday). He had the morning off and has never done this before but it meant I could leave home at 8.30 rather than 7.15 and would have been a huge help to me. Initially he agreed (suprisingly readily) but this morning accused me of ordering him about constantly, to the point that he was very unhappy. He suggested I had a "good long think" about the way I am with him. He also said he had not been happy for some time due to my nagging, ordering and not having sex enough. I admit that sex has been infrequent but I am often tired, feel unsupported and resentful of not being helped enough.

I feel so upset but also suprisingly angry (I dont get angry very often). I missed him terribly when he left and so wanted this to work but I feel like I have had a kick in the teeth and am stuck between a rock and a hard place- if I continue to ask (nag) for help we will continue to disagree which is horrible for all concerned, if I stop asking I will feel more and more unhappy and unsupported.

Its feels like all my efforts and hard work have gone unnoticed- funnily enough he says the same??!!

Sorry to have rambled on and on, just wanted to try to give a full picture of the situation. Can anyone give me their opinions/ advice bearing in mind I was really hoping we could make it as a family......................

Default. That is a killer word.

I blew up about two years ago and told dh that what drove me mad was knowing that unless he positively took some action to look after ds, I knew that he just assumed I would do it.

Reading your post I got very angry with your dh for you - I would imagine that you are furious with him.

I could suggest this action or that action but I think these are big problems, and Relate sounds like a possibility.

Possibly you could try letting go a bit, with the risk that things will just fall to bits! Maybe just to say 'I'm not happy how things are. I feel exhausted, overwhelmed and unsupported. What do you suggest?' Maybe he would respond not to a list of solutions that you have worked out, but to stating the problem as you see it and giving over the solution to him.

Maybe not though.

I wish you all the best.

have you tried Relate?

it doens't sound like either of you are very happy

it's always hard to work out what's fair in terms of other people's domestiv arrangements, but you're working 3 days per week, he's virtually full time but you do all the domestic stuff? cooking, cleaning, shooping, laundry, childcare? what about gardening, car things, DIY etc? who does that? doens't sound like a fair balance..

rather than 'nag' have you tried making one area his responsibility? e.g. if all cooking or laundry is his job then in theory you won't need to nag, he'll just take care of it?

I completely agree, he's being unreasonable. He seems to have forgotten how lucky he is to have someone supporting him through all his fun, games & demon-fighting!!

Having said that, it's quite possible you do "nag", albeit out of sheer and justified frustration. Can you try doing the absolute minimum? As long as both you and DS are clean, fed and on time, the rest can fall by the wayside for ... oooh, months, and nothing bad will happen.

Let the chips fall where they may. See if it makes a difference Good luck!

Ugh, some people are so wrapped up in themselves they just can't see things from anyone elses point of view. He sounds really selfish.

I would write down all the things you do in an average week, including work, and then write down what you perceive him doing, point out who has the more spare time etc and that you feel the relationship is completely balanced in his favour, and you'd be better off as a single parent because at least you wouldn't feel consistently let down by the lack of support which should be there.

To be honest to me it sounds like he just wants to play. Play at sport, play with your child, play with his hobbies and his friends, play at sex, meanwhile you're supposed to shut up, scrub the house, look after your child, bring in the main wage, and open your legs at the end of a joyless thankless day.

Are you sure you can't do better?

Thanks for the advice- I would happily go to Relate, but DP doesn't see that anyone could help. I would be fascinated to find out how I can help the situation- and to see if someone independent could convince DP that it would be only fair to support me more (or maybe convince me I am expecting too much).

Choosy- I like your suggestion of asking him what he would suggest, I will try that if we can get back to the calm stage.

I have read your posts about the positive changes after you 'blew up' at your DH. I wish I had the confidence to do this but after my last major blow up, he left and didn't come back for a year- so I feel like the next time he may not come back at all......

Bumpybeccy- Gardening: not a lot gets done but anything that is done is done by me only, although I like gardening and DP doesn't really. DIY: DP does things that really must be done e.g. fixing the toilet when it broke but there are a mountain of small jobs I wish he would do (daren't try myself, its not something I am good at). Car things: we do our own.

I am pissed off with your husband and I don't even know him.

-he has a job which he loves but which brings in little money. Presumably you don't love your job as much, however you do it to earn the dough.
-he has a gambling problem yet you are supposed to feel grateful that he is doing something about it.
-he does little around the house - you do the majority of the work and organising-
-understandable in this situation you have little inclination for sex and he is moaning about it
-he calls you a nag.

What do you get out of this relationship? It is as if you are his mother.

Fair enough you love him however he sounds like a selfish toad. He sounds very childish.

Thanks for the supportive comments- its hard to hear negative things about DP, but they are probably fair and its nice to know I am not loosing my mind in thinking things are not fair.

I guess he is childish. Believe it or not there are elements of this that I love about him- he is such fun sometimes, brilliant with kids, spontaneous..... But he needs to grow up!

What do I get- some support (I know its not enough but I feel grateful when he gets home and we can share DS), company (when he left I found single parenting very very lonely), a social life- we do fun stuff connected to his job. I love feeling part of our (admittedly crumbling) family unit- DS adores his Daddy and I love sharing stuff about DS with DP (the kind of stuff that anyone else finds dull).....

I have a voice in one ear telling me to try harder to make it work and try harder to manage things myself without complaining, and a voice in the other ear telling me to tell him to F* off.

Well, I don't think you have anything to lose by doing relate or whatever, but I think you do need to draw a line in the sand and say "ok, if I put in lots of effort to improve the situation, and it hasn't changed in 6 months/by christmas, then I'm going to call it a day and look for someone better"

Because to me it sounds like you are being ruled by your fear of not being left alone. I can understand that fear totally, but as an outsider I can also see that you would find someone else who would treat you better. You say you feel grateful etc when he comes home - that could be the same for any partner coming home, it's not that it's him, it's that you aren't alone anymore.

I'm just saying, don't waste too much of your life on someone who takes you for granted so shamelessly. So long as you're scared of him leaving, he holds all the power in your relationship and that's not fair.

Jamesandthe I can't shake the memories of endless long evenings with DS alone, I take my hat off to single parents I really struggled in the afternoons and weekends. I am actually quite good in my own company, but since having DS I do crave company in the evenings and someone to share him with- because I am tied to the house once he is in bed si I cant get out and cheer myself up. Don't misunderstand me though I love DS dearly, he is the light of my life......

wheresmypaddle, I was asking about those other jobs as I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and it was just about possible that he did loads of jobs outside the house that still benefitted the family IYSWIM. From what you've said though he does very, very little not surprised you feel unsupported

why are you with him? is it just the fear of being lonely without him there? I don't mean to sound flippant, but it sounds like you need a hobby that would keep you occupied in the evenings once ds was in bed. I'd love to have evening time for crafting or OU courses (loads are free online you know), MNing, TV Wii games etc.

It's all very well listening to the voice telling you to try harder, but is he trying at all? doesn't sound like it....

"He suggested I had a "good long think" about the way I am with him"

Fuck! If someone said that to me I'd struggle not to walk out. How patronising.

Are you completely insane?

Tell him to fuck right off.

You sound utterly reasonable Wheresmypaddle - able to recognise your dp's good points despite how he has treated you. Feel on your behalf.

I agree with ChoosyFloosy. Tell him that you have had a "good long think" as he suggested and that you will try and take his concerns in to account.

If you don't nag him at all and make an effort in bed - say for 3 months - and he STILL doesn't support you or do his fair share, then you have your answer.

I hope he comes through for you and your ds!!

I think I could potentially fill my time once DS is in bed. Its that time from say 3.30 to DS bedtime that I really really struggled with, I felt trapped and quite desperate. However having said that things are much easier now he is older and so maybe I could cope a bit better.

I do love DP very much though and I enjoy our family unit. DS would miss him terribly and I love to see them enjoying each others company. But you are right things are not right at the moment and yes maybe I am silly to try to make things work.

I have regretted doing impulsive things in the past so feel as though I shouldn't do anything drastic until I am sure.

My initial reaction was also one that oh boo hoo, HE'S not happy, well what about you?

But in terms of practical steps one possible thing you could think about would be to draw up a big family calendar for the week/month, mark on it your and his fixed working times and everything else that needs to be done whether it is putting out the bins on a Wednesday morning at 7am or bathing your son on a nightly basis. Then also make a list of less time specific things that you have to do eg paying bills, buying birthday cards. You then agree between you who is responsible for what on a granular basis and the lists go somewhere prominent. As and when new things arise, they get added to the lists so it is clear who is doing it.

Easy to say, hard to do but then you leave him to it and it is then his responsibility to do his side and live with the consequences when he doesn't. So if he forgets to pay the electricity bill, he deals with it. If he forgets to put the bins out, he deals with it. If it is his turn to put baby to bed and its on the calendar, well he just has to do it.

it's not silly for you both to try and sort it out, but is fairly pointless for you to try by yourself

you said he doesn't think Relate would help, would he 'humour you' and try anyway?

Hully am of your conviction and a little tempted but I did this before and he did- for a year!! Don't want him to leave unless I am sure its for the best- I possibly need my head examining but am not sure it's what I want.

In fact I am of anyone who has the courage to tell DP/DH to F* off without being totally petrified!!

He sounds as if he has it all.

Wife who loves him, child who loves him, job doing something he loves, wife who earns a lot so he can a) do job he loves which most people can't and b) not go bankrupt due to his gambling problem. And if his wife gets angry enough about him not doing his bit at home she'll tell him to leave for a while, he can shag other women, and when he gets tired of them she'll have him back again.

Where is his incentive to change? Just what bad thing is going to happen to him if he does not?

Feal the fear etc. You've got nothing to lose but a great fat bullying liability. Get rid.

Balloonslayer - sounds pretty terrible when you put it that way....... Why the hell can't he see how lucky he is- or maybe its my fault for allowing it to happen?!?! Time machine anyone?

Stop being such a doormat, woman. Put pepper in his knickers and drawing pins in his shoes at the very least.

Reading your post, he sounds very selfish and childish. He does not sound as if he really is committed to you and your family.

You work 3 days, he works 'not quite full time hours' - what does that mean on a day to day basis. How many hours do you do, how many he?

Why are you doing the housework, childcare arrangements and he cannot even help you so that you have an hour extra time in the morning by taking his son to your mother's house.

I would say you should make a list of chores and who does them. And make sure that you share the work out according to how many 'free hours' your have.

It does read very much him him him, from the way you describe him, it seems that he takes a lot but gives little if anything. He sounds very selfish indeed, and more than a little bullying.

To be honest the gambling problem would be an utter deal breaker for me. I would not be able to trust someone who had such an instrinsic lack of sense around money. He would be gone.

Secondly the childlike attitude to work. So he earns a pittance and contributes significantly less becaaue he wants to do a job he loves. Yes all very nice but you are the one funding his dream aren't you.

Just show him your opening post. If he can't accept that he is treating you like a skivvy then get rid. You CAN cope on your own. Please don't lose all of your self-respect because you don't want to be alone. Good luck.