I have been brave and not namechanged.
DP & and I have been together 6 years. We have an almost 3yo son. I work PT, currently 3 days. DP works strange hours-he is a sportsman so he competes and teaches people. Its a job he loves, but the money is poor. However, I support him in his job because I think he is lucky to love his work- despite the fact that at times money has been very short. He works hard but not quite full time hours and works weekends.
He has had an intermittent gambling problem over the past few years. Finally, just before Christmas he admitted the extent of the problem. He seems to be trying really hard to sort this problem- he has arranged payment plans to deal with his debts, closed his credit cards down, attends GA weekly and has admitted his problem to some close friends. Due to the gambling and his low wage I bring in about 75% of our household income. I am proud that he is facing his demons.
We have had ups and downs including a 9mth break when DS was about 13months. This was precipated by a long period of me having enough of feeling like I was doing everything and him ignoring what I thought was a clear need for more support with DS. Both of us found the transition to being new parents difficult, but while I struggled on, he withdrew and spent a lot of time with friends and playing sport. It came to a head when after 6 evenings in on my own he broke one of many promises to bath DS- I called him begging for a break and he told me he would come home when he was ready- I saw red and bundled DS up and wheeled him in the pram to DP's friends and left him with DP while I went to visit a friend. I guess it sounds drastic to do that but I really needed some help. That evening we had a huge row, I told him that if he didn't help more he would have to leave, which he did. He was very upset but just walked out. He lived with friends for 12 months, the first 3 he was on his own, then he met OW, they split after 3 months. Then a few weeks later he announced he wanted to come back home and for us to try again. I needed to be convinced he was willing to change so after 6 months of him being much more supportive I agreed to him moving back in.
Fast forward to now, our relationship has been better (I thought), it has been great to have him back and to be a family again. There has been some improvement on the helping out front, particularly with DS but in the main I still feel I do too much- all shopping, cooking, cleaning, majority of childcare (he has DS all day Mon, and plays with him in the eves), I make all arrangements for childcare, and run DS around, make sure all bills are paid etc etc.. I just feel like I take responsibility for everything by 'default'. Any requests from me to help are seen by DP as "ordering him about".
I have not made a huge deal of the situation because there are things I love about him very much and am aware noone is perfect, also I constantly feel guilty that I cannot manage everything by myself so I try to manage it all as much as possible.
Yesterday I asked him to take DS to mums this morning (she looks after him on a Wednesday). He had the morning off and has never done this before but it meant I could leave home at 8.30 rather than 7.15 and would have been a huge help to me. Initially he agreed (suprisingly readily) but this morning accused me of ordering him about constantly, to the point that he was very unhappy. He suggested I had a "good long think" about the way I am with him. He also said he had not been happy for some time due to my nagging, ordering and not having sex enough. I admit that sex has been infrequent but I am often tired, feel unsupported and resentful of not being helped enough.
I feel so upset but also suprisingly angry (I dont get angry very often). I missed him terribly when he left and so wanted this to work but I feel like I have had a kick in the teeth and am stuck between a rock and a hard place- if I continue to ask (nag) for help we will continue to disagree which is horrible for all concerned, if I stop asking I will feel more and more unhappy and unsupported.
Its feels like all my efforts and hard work have gone unnoticed- funnily enough he says the same??!!
Sorry to have rambled on and on, just wanted to try to give a full picture of the situation. Can anyone give me their opinions/ advice bearing in mind I was really hoping we could make it as a family......................