he always said it would never happen again

[MyHeartIsbreaking]

but it did.
i said it would be the end if he ever did it again.
last night because of someone taking two lots of money from our account instead of one, and because i had called them to make sure they didnt, it was my my fault as i sit on my fat arse all day and play games.
when i told he how dare he speak to me like that and he was a nasty b***d, he waved his fist n my face and said that he was this close from hitting me, i ignored it and carried on looking for the number to sort the money out and he pushed me over the settee.
i walked out of the room and that was it.he hasnt apologised nor shown any remorse this morning
i have a big bruise on my arm where he pushed me
im sat here now, not having any close enough friends to talk to and my little one keeps asking why im so sad

still nothing said, keeps asking me stupid things like..do you want anything from the shops??..yes buy yourself a new personality!

that's what my dp used to do - as soon as he'd got it out of his system it would be as if nothing had happened!!

Actually he still does that lol

Maybe while he is creeping it might be worth saying to him 'Do you realise you scared me/hurt me yesterday?' - not in a confrontational way, but he needs to know what he's doing to you.

mhib - sounds like you both need to get yourself a life outside the home. its very easy to fight when all you have is an introspective view.

it will also help with your confidence and self esteem.

why dont you post back when you have sorted something out for yourself? its pointless moaning that your scared if you don't want them to change.

it would be nice to see a proactive response in reply to everyones goodwill and messages. rather than a running commentry about why you cant do this or cant do that.

hope you get something sorted whether it be a college course in basket weaving or councilling just for yourself.

mhib have you made any decisions?

sorry custardo, i had no one to talk to, i was sat crying at the computer and i hoped someone could give me a friendly ear, which was mainly what i got.

but just so you are happy..i contacted womans aid..hope that is satisfactory for you
no we still havent spoken and i apologise to you personally for moaning about being scared..what was i thinking!

what did womens aid say?
what are you going to do to sort things out?

for a start im not going to post on here..stupid of me thinking i could speak freely on here.thanks for the pressure and your wonderful bedside manner

MHIB, don't stop posting. You obviously don't have anyone else to talk to, so what are you going to do then?? If Custardo is getting bored of waiting for a development the so be it, she dosn't HAVE to read this thread anymore. Her comments were cruel and unnessesary. You have low confidence and low self esteem coz of what this man has done to you.

It takes time to build up courage and she would know that if she had been in a similar postion.

Good luck and keep strong

Getting angrier looking back over this thread it only syarted on Weds, what is she expected to do Custardo - someone mentions Womens Aid and shes meant to be straight ont he phone??? It would probably take her days to summon the courage just to do that. How insensitive.

Hi mhib! Have been following this thread since you posted first but I havent posted anything because I dont have any expeirence of what your going through and most people on here have been great with their advice.Please dont stop posting, you need to talk and if your not ready to ring womans aid or anywhere else then dont.You will do it when your ready to and only you will know when that is.Sorry i cant be of more help.Sending big hugs to you

Definitely don't stop posting MHIB. Maybe you feel pressured by some of the advice on here but it is only advice and you don't have to take it. There are also a lot of people who are willing to listen and not put pressure on you to make a decision.

Hope that didn't sound harsh by the way, just wanted you to know I'm here if you need someone to act as an impartial listener. xxx

MHIB - we're all just worried about u is all, please don't stop posting. we fear that things will continue and will get worse, just be aware there is options open to you if you want them.

even if you just pack some stuff in a bag and leave it with a friend or family without him knowing so that if things are too much u know you have stuff to see you right for a few days.

you have done nothing wrong here he has, you are not responsible (sp) for his actions no matter what he says. I've been there hon and it ain't nice, but then again nor is the feeling that every little thing is a consequence of your actions. not everything is hon.

keep strong and please don't feel like u can't talk to us. we are here if you need us to listen but of course we will remain worried about you. the important thing is you're safe.

Hi MHIB

I have followed this post since it began but haven't posted yet because I felt until recently that the majority of posts were sympathetic and gave good advice. Please ignore the abrupt comments made, there are many kind hearted and sympathetic people on here. Regarding your situation, I was in a violent relationship myself many years ago, although fortunately I did not have children and did not live with this man. It took me close to 2 years to summon the courage to leave this man despite not having the ties of children, so I completely understand that it is difficult to just walk away. However, I do advise that you sit and have a long hard think about you and your child's future; I hate to sound patronising, but the majority of men who do this will keep doing it unless they take time to sort out their underlying problems which is causing this. In my case, the man I was with had debts, major issues after the death of his father, was a compulsive liar and gambler and had an alcohol problem. The resulting anger from these problems caused the violence, and I thought that I could help them to stop. I eventually realised that this was impossible. The person who is violent or aggressive needs to sort his or her own problems out to stop this behaviour. Even with your support, your partner needs to do all of the work himself to admit and sort out the issues he has that has made him become violent. I agree that it is not easy just to up and leave, although that would be the best thing to do. If you don't feel able to do this (and your'e not alone - I know several women who have stayed in physically and emotionally relationships for years) then at least make a plan for you and your child's future. Start thinking about where you might go in the coming weeks for you and your child's safety - even if you don't want to leave now, you may find you have to if things escalate. I would also ring the Samaritans, or one of the domestic violence helplines who can give advice. If I were you I would have a serious talk with your partner and spell out that if he is not prepared to receive counselling or go to his GP for help, then thats it. If he at least takes a step towards solving this problem it may give you confidence as well that things can be overcome. However, if things don't improve then please seriously think about leaving - I know this sounds incredibly harsh, but think about the aggressive atmosphere that your child will be growing up in. Remember too, that keeping yourself and your child safe is ultimately the most important factor; your partner's problems come far further down the list.
Good luck.

MHIB - Are you ok??

Hi, Yeah im here, been busy tonight.

things have just ben ignored and its as if nothing happend??
now i dont know how to broach the subject of it and that it needs sorting..its as if 'that moment' has passed and we've moved on?
My CPN (who discharged me), rang today to check how things were because of some of my comments on her questioniarre, but i was worse when i saw his about only 'occasionally'feeling love for someone in the last few weeks.
i feel like the situation is controlling me and not the other way round

firstly. i do apologise for how my post came acorss to you. it wasn't meant as it has been taken.

secondly. i didn't explain after my first post as this thread is not about me its about you.

thirdly a clarification for other posters.
kissalot you said "what is she expected to do Custardo - someone mentions Womens Aid and shes meant to be straight ont he phone??? " and also ...""If Custardo is getting bored of waiting for a development the so be it, she dosn't HAVE to read this thread anymore. Her comments were cruel and unnessesary."

previously MHIB has already said.
"but just so you are happy..i contacted womans aid..hope that is satisfactory for you"
hence why i asked what they had said - there was no assumption that she hadn't done it as her own words clearly said she had. however kissalot you remarked "It takes time to build up courage and she would know that if she had been in a similar postion." i think its you who is making assumptions there.

plus the argument that i shouln't post on any thread as long as i keep within mumsnet rules is a stupid one. however if you think i have broken mumsnet rules please feel free to post on site stuff and ask for a moderator or click the "contact us" button on the homepage and complain about my post.
fourthly. i think my post was constructive and straight forward. i didn't think it was rude. i do agree it wasn't sympathetic - but you had lots of sympathy already i had a different approach.

fifth. i can't see any other post which have been taken as offensive - so why do some mnetters change their name to make a comment like " some other posters have been insensitive?" youve changed you name already - spit it out.

now a post run through i originally said
"mhib - sounds like you both need to get yourself a life outside the home. its very easy to fight when all you have is an introspective view.

it will also help with your confidence and self esteem. " i dont see anything wrong with that advice

"why dont you post back when you have sorted something out for yourself? its pointless moaning that your scared if you don't want them to change." i ccant see anythign wrong with that

"it would be nice to see a proactive response in reply to everyones goodwill and messages. rather than a running commentry about why you cant do this or cant do that. "
there you go - the bit that negated the first paragraph and will negate the last. becuase your in such a place that you want sympathy.
"hope you get something sorted whether it be a college course in basket weaving or councilling just for yourself. " theres nothing wrong with that.

and finally in summation. i have apologised for how my post was taken - it wan't meant as it was taken although i stand by what was said. i think if you have an open mind you could re read it and see that it was meant to be contructive.

Had to change my name cos dp knows my name I use!!!! MHIB I am in the same situation as you, in fact it happened to me last night. We'd been out drinking and for no reason at all my partner grabbed me by the throat and he does it quite regularly. The last time it happened it was February.

I KNOW he would never hurt the kids because he adores them and they adore him. I know him well enough to know that there is something inside him that he can't control and if anything bad happens to me then its my fault for staying.

I don't leave him because I have emetophobia which basically means I cannot cope when the kids are sick!!! I won't go into it because its a long and boring story. I could not cope with the kids on my own!

Its easy to tell someone to leave but when its happening to you its not so easy to just walk out.

Hi LHJ

Does anyone else know (family, friends, GP) that he treats you like this?.

He may well adore his children (however they may well be afraid of him) but he's using his hate on you. They must be aware that things are not right between Daddy and Mummy. Even at a young age children are aware of something not being quite right.

Unless he admits to himself that he has a real problem then he will not change. This is lifelong learnt behaviour which will take a long time, if at all, to unlearn.

I would far rather you be alive and living with your kids without fear of violence rather than just continuing to stay with a man who grabs you by the throat because you are too afraid to leave. He cares not a jot for you and your phobia and uses this to keep you in your place. You could very well end up dead and then where would your kids be and who would then care for them?. Their Dad will no doubt be in prison.

He has you exactly where he wants you and he knows it.

Have you tried to get proper help for your emetophobia?.

LHJ

Change your name please it is too obvious.

You need to get that emetophobia sorted out and then make your plans to get away.

Apart from the emetophobia, you seem to rely on him an awful lot, and I think he abuses this.

Have you done anymore about re-training ???

Or has he considered anger managament ??

LGJ

This must be hard when you love him so much.

You do need to get out for your little one's sake and yours- and his too. That doesn't mean you can never ever go back, because if he had counselling over a long period (say six months), you could consider it, by which time you would be in a frame of mind where you could make a more balanced decision.

My Huband and I had a row last week which resulted in the police being called (no violence though), and they called Social Services as a routine. Do you really want this heartbreak?
It was hard enough knowing they had the wrong end of the stick (kids out etc), knowing I or my DH had put the kids through that would be too much.

I am praying for you and your family

X

Message withdrawn

rickman you are of course right, she should leave, but for a lot of woman their sense of self reliance goes- I saw that with my Mum, she convinced herself she would never cope alone and never left, even when we begged her to. Some people are probably more vulnerable to this than others I guess, but I think you have to have a certain level of self esteem and respect to believe you deserve any better, and that crucially, YOU are enough / a better life for your kids, IYSWIM?

LHJ do you think your phobia is linked to how your husband treats you? It sounds likely to me. I'm sorry so many of you are in abusive relationships, please leave before you are killed, something like 2 women a week are killed by violent partners.

www - my dp has emetaphobia, and has had it since she was a small child herself - nothing to do with her relationship with me! (just pointing out the phobia could be a long standing thing - I'm sure you know it's incredibly difficult to deal with when you've got young children in particular - dp can find it very debiliatating). sorry, didn't mean to hijack thread - best of luck MHIB and LHJ.