ok here goes...again!
I have been with my dp for 5 years. Things started going wrong when I was pregnant with dd in 2001. Our arguments escalated (sp?) and got increasingly nasty in that they went from bickering into nasty name-calling and verbal abuse, to pushing and shoving and threats. It died down for a while and then got worse in 2003. I wasdeeply in love with dp and felt that I couldn't leave him. My parents split up when I was 6 and I swore that whoever I had my children with would be the man I stayed with forever. I didn't want my children to have the broken home I did. Looking back now that's what drove me through it. It got to a point when dd was about 2 that he shouted so loudly at me and so close to my face that dd was scared of him. His temper got to a ridiculous point. Once he stopped on the side of the road andf kicked me and dd out of the car and threatened to leave us there. He didn't. Other times it was shouting, pushing and threats. Eventually I snapped. Enough was enough. I was still too scared to leave though. I still loved him and I didn't want to leave and take dd away from her Dad (not that he was a Dad that she deserved at this point - but i knew he could be) I didn't want to take her from her home, her toys, her bedroom etc. Every time I thought about taking her away it broke my heart BUT I knew that if I wasn't going to leave I had to do something. The next time we argued, I lost it. I finally stood up to him. I told him 'Congratualtions, you're a big man. I am scared of you. I'm scared that the next argument will be the one where you hit me. I'm scared to go to bed in case you take dd away in the night. You are a bully. Does it make you feel good?' I made him answer me. He wouldn't at first but i kept asking him if it made him feel good to know that i was scared of him. It took him by surprise and he stood there like a child being told off. I told him that his own baby was scared of him and asked him again 'Do you get a kick from that? does it make you feel good?' I also lied a bit and told him that the nursery had seen a difference in her and asked if things were ok.
I told him that Iwasn't going to let him do it to me or more importantly dd, and that if he didn't go and do something about his temper, we would think about leaving.
I think my first breakthrough was to get him to admit to me that he did have a problem with his temper. He has been through a hell of a lot in those 3 years that were eating him up. He had no-one to talk to about it properly and would bottle it up until it all blew in a fight.
I had to go through this a couple more times until he finally went to the Dr. who gave him a mild course of anti depressants and a 6 week councelling course.
Having someone to talk to who was neutral made the world of difference to him. He was able to talk, to cry, to let it all out. She knew exactly the right questions to ask him and taught him how to deal with his feelings.
Today he is a changed man. Don't get me wrong, we still fight, but he knows how to walk away now and anytime we argue, it's over before it's begun.
We now have a year old ds. DD is back to her normal, happy, confident self and things have never been better. So it can be done. I could have walked away. I could have beren strong and left him - but would be missing out on a wonderful family and relationship.
By no means am I condoning what he is doing. But I do know how scary it is. You have to be strong, and if you think you can all get through this then be the strong one and go for it. I f you think that he is just in a vicious cycle that he will never get out of then you really need to think seriously about what to do. You've been there 10 years already so you don't have to do it in a day. THink it through. Plan it. Learn all your options and most importantly do what's right for you and your little one.
I really hope you get through this.
If you ever ever get desperate my door is always open