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Original poster

Am I totally spineless (& naive)??

52 replies

ladylovestocook · 16/03/2010 16:37

Hi all, I'm new to the site but came on as I hoped to gain some insight ? forgive me if I go on a bit? my DH and I have been 2together for 16 years with 2 young DD (we are 47); it?s been plodding for a couple of years; he has had regular but now sporadic drink/dependency/reliability issues over the years which makes me controlling/nagging in return. That all said I love him, plain & simple, but since January I have been really depressed making me probably not easy to live with (I?m on medication now); he in turn goes out, gets wasted and turns his phone off?. I have dared to wonder how it would be easier without wondering where he was and in the meantime he came home last Wed. evening and said 'it wasn't working' and he'd like a trial separation out of the blue. It?s hit me like a train?can?t eat, sleep, concentrate? He?s agreed to stay at home and try and give it one last shot, along with counselling (we?ve done it once before 3 years ago). He has admitted to OW, says he?s seen her a few times but no sex (?!) but it?s a by-product of our stale relationship and he wouldn?t be leaving because of her. Our intimacy has been rubbish over the last year ? I agreed to therapy to explore why. I also work full time and pretty much do everything at home, all the finances, his banking etc etc. He pretty much just needs to get up and go to work?
Am I totally spineless to let him stay and naïve to believe there is a chance I can turn this around?

OP posts:
maximinimum · 16/03/2010 16:53

Ok :

  1. He drinks excessively and is unreliable
  2. He is having an affair
  3. You do the lion's share of work, childcare and household tasks.

I am not surprised you have felt depressed.
You need to think about what can be salvaged here and what you want to salvage. What was it about each other you found attractive? Can you get this back? Can you forgive him for his infidelity? Can he deal with the drink issue and pull his weight in the relationship?

There are a lot of things to sort out and it sounds like an uphill struggle, but given your 2 dds and your long history together, perhaps it is worth a try. I think you are far from spineless to consider it.

Do you do anything for yourself, other than go to work? Your self-esteem sounds low - if you were to boost that too, you might suddenly find the decision is easier to take - you might see your husband in a new light...

OTTMummA · 16/03/2010 17:04

pack his stuff up, put it outside, and leave a note telling him to sod the fuck off.
you do not need this weight around your delicate neck dear.
he should be supporting you not making you feel worse.
he sounds selfish and i doubt he will change for the positive.

geekdad · 16/03/2010 17:07

I'm not surprised that you're feeling the way you do, and you're not spineless, you're just being human.

First things first, you need to deal with the situation with regard to the OW. I seriously doubt that he is telling the truth. From reading posts here on Mumsnet and simply the way these things frequently play out (these affair behaviours are usually depressingly stereotypical), men don't often leave until they have met someone else. I also think it's highly likely that he has had sex, and is emotionally involved, with the OW.

You need to be strong if you want to turn this around, but he cannot call the shots. At the very least he must stop all contact with the OW.

Original poster
ladylovestocook · 16/03/2010 18:20

Now I see why so many peeps seek out Mumsnet - already such caring advice - I'm touched. My head is split in two. My heart says stay and try and my head says f** off. Yep, self esteem is probably at all-time low; was planning a major career shift by going to cookery school and trying to build a new career next year. As this meant giving up work (which he was totalling supportive of) my change now looks highly unlikely.
With regard to OW, I don't believe for 1 minute he hasn't slept with her...

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 16/03/2010 18:24

Alreasy such good advice, but the bottom line is, what does he actually bring to this relationship? Ho does he actually enhance your life or bring something to your life that you wouldn't have if single?

It sounds like you need to just end it, now, and put yourself first. He doen't wNT TO PUT ANY EFFORT INTO THIS RELATINSHIP, SO WHY SHOULD YOU?

overmydeadbody · 16/03/2010 18:25

sorry, stupid caps lock key got in the way

AnyFucker · 16/03/2010 18:28

You do it all anyway

He contributes very little except to continually chip away at your self-esteem

He is shagging someone else

Yes, you would be foolish to continue to carry a man in this way who shows you so little respect

Tell him to fuck off...your self-respect will thank you for it...

darkandstormy · 16/03/2010 19:02

agree with all above posters.I also do not believe he has not shagged her tbh.Get well rid of this knob,you sound like you need a big break and so much better out of life

Tortington · 16/03/2010 19:05

you are asking us whether you are spineless - which suggests to me that that is how you are feeling about yourself.

is it really better for you to stay with this man and have no dignity and self respect?

there needn't be a big eastenders style drama over the whole thing.

set him a date, ask him to leave by that date.

meanwhile see a solicitor, work out your finances and seperate financial responsibilities.

GardenPath · 16/03/2010 21:33

Keep the house.

Original poster
ladylovestocook · 17/03/2010 09:33

Thanks all for your helpful and consistent comments. It's harsh seeing in writing what you already know deep down to be true - I need to come out of this sh*t with dignity intact and my head held as high as possible. Need now to find the resolve from somewhere. Also just discovered that we are £1.5K down from unclaimed work expenses (1yr old) and £1k worth on unpaid traffic fines.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 17/03/2010 09:42

How the blazes does someone build up that much in traffic fines? I'm sure many of us have incurred the occasional fine due to absent-mindedness #cough#, but it sounds like he's making a career of leaving his vehicle in stupid places. A thousand quid! That's taking irresponsibility to a whole new level.

What a useless piece of... something useless

ReneRusso · 17/03/2010 09:49

Are there any positives about the relationship? I tend to think that there could be something worth salvaging, but I'm struggling to see what. Counselling could be worth a try if you are both committed to it. Can you see any happiness with this man? It sounds like you are a bit ambivalent. What do you want to happen?

RunningOutOfNames · 17/03/2010 11:54

In a very similar situation to you, and I'm the same age, the thought of starting again is terrifying, isn't it? I have to confess that part of the difficulty is losing my home as I can't afford the mortgage on my own, but I feel like DH's housekeeper - no affection, companionship, respect.

As a good friend said to me, is this what you want your life to be like in 5 years? I am trying to find the strength to end a very long marriage.

WWIFNormal wrote an excellent post recently about how you can appear to be the controlling one because you get forced into parenting your partner. I've had to do that to stop things collapsing around us financially. I'll try to link to it.

RunningOutOfNames · 17/03/2010 12:05

Can't work out how to link, just search for thread called "can anyone explain passive aggressive"

It won't answer all your questions but will explain why you react the way you do to his behaviour.

WhenWillIFeelNormal is my hero , thinking of kidnapping her and making her my personal counsellor.

Original poster
ladylovestocook · 17/03/2010 12:15

God, I'm really struggling today. One minute I'm trying to get angry but now feel so low & empty. ROON you are are so right - I'm painted the control freak but had I not done it there would be no life insurances, mortgage renewals, holidays etc etc.

I have paid the parking fines (more fool me) as I didn't want the bailiffs round. They came round once when I was 41 wks pregnant and that was £500. Thinking about it I should have let them in and take his 42 TV set.

He blames lack of sex for the breakdown but as a woman I wanted to be taken out occasionally, made to feel special and have steak and chips cooked for me once in a while. You can't expect to sleep on the sofa after dinner and then expect a shag after the news ie. a bit of social intercourse before sexual intercouse.

A big part of me wants to try and make it work (do leopards change their spots??) the other says GO NOW but I'm terrified of being on my own and starting over again. I live in a smug urban suburb where it's all 'happy families' and it makes me phsically ill to be part of all that.

Would be good to look at link from WWIFNormal

OP posts:
RunningOutOfNames · 17/03/2010 12:26

We sound so similar! I'm beginning to wonder if we have the same DH. Nothing is a bigger turn off than feeling like his mother and yes, he has a minor drink problem, a major financial one and he falls asleep straight after dinner every night. No sex for nearly 3 years. I do not fancy DH and he has shown me no affection or respect for longer than I wish to admit. Resentment is a huge passion killer.

My hesitation over leaving is mainly our two lovely DDs and the thought of selling up. We live in a lovely "happy families" village but as the kids have got older, more and more of those families have split up. I haven't heard any of them say they have any regrets.

Best of luck.

Lemonylemon · 17/03/2010 13:59

"A big part of me wants to try and make it work (do leopards change their spots??) the other says GO NOW but I'm terrified of being on my own and starting over again. I live in a smug urban suburb where it's all 'happy families' and it makes me phsically ill to be part of all that."

Why is it that women in their 40's are terrified of starting again? Starting what again? You'll be living a life which will be like a breath of fresh air. You won't be driven into the ground. You won't be taken for granted. Sounds pretty scary to me (not). I'm on my own and have been on my own on and off since I was 37 - I'm now 47. I've got 2 DCs and we just get on with it. You'll feel a hell of a lot better about yourself without this millstone round your neck... I also live in a smug urban suburb - though probably not quite as smart as the one you live in. I take absolutely no notice of what other people (ie. my neighbours) might or might not be thinking. It's nobody's business but yours.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2010 15:59

very good post, lemon

I also do a double take when women say they are frightened of "starting agin"

starting what again ? another shitty relationship ?

my hope would be that you will start a different life...one where you aren't made to feel like a second class citizen...

autumnlight · 17/03/2010 17:32

I am 49, in a miserable marriage with problems which I have posted on other threads about. I have lost my confidence in my marriage, been a SAHM 11 years, and do not have a social network. It is daunting to me unfortunately.

autumnlight · 17/03/2010 17:38

I permanently feel spineless!

AnyFucker · 17/03/2010 17:44

but why autumn...have you lost all faith in your worth as a person in your own right ?

can one person destroy another's humanity to such a degree they can no longer function ? Can you make phone calls, can you converse with others, can you see how ruined your life is ?

if so, you can exist away from him

nothing should get in your way of taking your life back...certainly not one man, a person, just another human being

I will never get that you can't get out, I am sorry

autumnlight · 17/03/2010 17:59

Yes, I have lost all faith in myself as a person in my own right.

But I am working on it!!!!!!!!

AnyFucker · 17/03/2010 18:04

no person has the right to do that to you, autumn

but you know that

while you are together though, you give him permission to keep doing it

autumnlight · 17/03/2010 18:17

Point taken. But in my case, he has permission to do a hell of a lot less than he used to and I have worked out there is only one resolution, as you say, to it as he will never change. Thank goodness for counselling and the NPD thread.