Does your dh/dp ever go out and do a bit of a disappearing act?

[thesteelfairy2]

If so, how often and how do you react? Would you be surprised, angry, accepting? How do you deal with it?

I ask as was drawn yet again into a "discussion" with ex about how unreasonable I was when married to him. When he went out he never came home till 5 or 6 in the morning sometimes not at all. He usually went out about 4 - 5 time a month. Sometimes he would disappear on 2 or 3 day benders, longest ever was 5 days. He regularly went on holidays by himself or with the lads.

He thought this was acceptable and says I will never meet anyone else unless I learn to accept that this is just what men do. All our arguments were apparently caused by my refusal to accept this. Firstly I do not wish to EVER meet anyone else but I am interested to hear what other men do.

I am asking a lot of questions like this at the moment trying to find some peace with re to my horrible marriage.

I thought you were going to say 3 or 4 hours or so in the day. Not 2 or 3 day benders. And "says I will never meet anyone else unless I learn to accept that this is just what men do." is, frankly, weird.

So, no, it's not what all men do and I would be livid if he assumed I'd be ok about it.

No.

No.

No, that disappearing thing is just insane and not normal at all. Your ex is a fool. I really hope you do meet someone else who is normal, and that the ex continues to meet women who tell him that he is a nutter. You're well rid.

No.

It's rubbish. Absolute rubbish. Don't waste any brainpower trying to make sense of his burbling. Just be grateful his absences aren't your problem any more.

Funny thing, just like my XH, it's all about who else you might meet. They can't imagine a woman being happy to be, or capable of being, on her own.

Oh, missed he was an ex

yes, he did it once about 15 years ago, never again

I would never tolerate it and he knows it

it's a deal-breaker for me...shows an utter lack of respect

Oh no. The boyfriend would never do that. If he ever did, he wouldn't be my boyfriend for very much longer.....

whats good for the goose is good for the gander - if dh went out and thought it was ok not to come back til 6am, then he should have no problem with me doing it

if dh fucked off on a 5 day bender -then he should have no problem with me doing it

if dh regularly went on holidays with the lads

then he won't mind if i regularly go on holiday with the girls

--

but dh wouldn't like it if i regularly came in at 6am - as a one off now and again fair enough

dh couldn't fuck off on a 5 day bender - becuase he was a job and he has to book holidays in advance.

this means that (presuming you were a SAHM) he would also have to book off another 5 days so i can go on my bender

dh couldn't fuck off regularly on lads holidays, becuase we talk about money

and if he goes on one
then i go on one

and then we have the holiday bookings at work (see above)

either he is fantastically rich or has an excellent holiday package to accomodate his own needs.

and he would need to be doubly rich to accomodate my fair approach

Yes, I noticed that too Annie - as if he cannot quite believe that Steel Fairy might relish being on her own?

Steel Fairy, that being said - it's good to explore whether the nonsense you've been perhaps normalising isn't normal at all, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that all men are lying, cheating good-for-nothings. There are some lovely, kind men out there.

No.

An hour late from the pub maybe.
But no.

Oh yes. Used to do it weekly! Over the last few years it happened less and less and since he had a very nasty experience that he felt put him in genuine physical danger, he's not done it at all, and I think has only been to the local once or twice!

When we were first together, when he pulled an all-nighter I would be calling his mobile all night, yelling, accusing him of picking up some woman or other, he'd come home to a massive row - but then he'd be gone 24-48 hours!

Then we had a long conversation, where he told me he felt like I was trying to control him and how much he did NOT want me to be my mother, who won't allow my dad out of her sight! etc etc

And I told him that I felt he didn't want to come home to me and staying out was a rejection of me.

And we understood that neither of us felt the way the other thought they did. And that helped a bit.

But tbh, mostly I just stopped caring if he was there or not, over time.

I used to stay up all night, crying and imagining him having sex with some beautiful woman, and pressing redial and leaving message after message after message (he always turned his phone off!)

But then, like I say, I stopped caring and just went to bed. Didn't call him.

And he started calling me! stopped turning his phone off. Started letting me know where he was.

And like I say, stopped pulling all-nighters so often and doesn't do it at all now.

So really I think the fact that he no longer feels I am trying to control him, and I no longer care if he is out all night, has made things run a lot smoother.

Hequet I could have written that post.

However he didn't start calling me once I stopped caring. All was as it should be as far as he was concerned. He came and went as he pleased and I didn't nag him about it, all good in his world.

Dh has dissapeared once or twice untill the wee hours or overnight in the whole 6 years I have been with him. And on most of those occassions I had a pretty good idea where he was/who he was with anyway.

But going off for 2-3 days is not acceptable.

I'm never bothered wrt to cheating. I know he would never do that. And if he did he would never get away with it. My sister has all the same friends as him, so it would get back to me eventually. But he has once had my sister and I searching the streets for him at 1am. He went to the local and never returned and was with none of the 'regulars' he would have gone off with.

He'd met an old friend walking home and had gone to his for a night cap.

sad really, I suppose. When you just stop caring where they are or what they're doing. But they caused it.

No, absolutely not. And I wouldn't do it to him. Because (apart from our shared responsibilities which would be unfair to dump on any one person) - the one left at home would worry sick that the one who'd gone 'off on one' was dead in a ditch somewhere.

Oddly, I'd worry far more he'd died in a car crash/been murdered/kidnapped than that he'd got another woman. I dunno if I'm madly naive, but it would be so unlike him to just disappear, that I'd think he'd been hijacked in some way.

Oh, and I wouldn't have ever moved in with/stayed with someone who did that. Had a boyfriend at college who did that, we never got to the living-together stage, so I didn't care much and just thought it was part of being young and having a lark. But once I share a life with someone, tney share a life with me too. I don't need to be around him all the time (He's about to go away for 3 nights and I can't wait to hog the bed and eat only toast!) but I won't put up with unnecessary worry and disrespectful treatment. And nor should he!

On the other hand, I don't think my OH would notice or care if I disappeared for days.....

but in the old days when she did care, we would always tell the other what time we were due home, and if going to be late then a call would be in order.

It's all about respect and caring for the feelings of others

No
my DH pulled an all nighter once or twice early in our relationship usually after a party but settled down as soon as things became more serious,a friend of mine on the otherhand has a DP(31yo)who's hardly ever worked who does this,picks small fights with her and then takes off for 2-3 days at a time usually on the weekend leaving her to look after the 3 kids, needless to say their relationship is so disfunctional and this has been going on for 10years and shes still with him
.

He would be out the door if he was mine so OP i think your totally justified in kicking him to the curb!

Yes, I had an ex who did this regularly - would disappear for a week at a time and would reappear out of the blue as if it was entirely reasonable.
I just thought it was very peculiar, not to mention a monumental headf**. I assumed it was because he didn't really care enough about me, but even when he was married and had kids he apparently carried on much as before, exactly as you describe. She left him in the end. I doubt he's changed.

No it's not normal and for your ex to say you'll never find anyone else if you can't accept this kind of behaviour just shows what a warped view of "normal' he must have. He's not alone in doing it but it's not reasonable behaviour, particularly if you're married, so don't even question your reaction & don't beat yourself up over it

Thesteelfairy, you've got to stop getting into these conversations. Your ex is an abusive, controlling, gaslighting wanker who is still trying to control you. He's terrified that you'll move on, so he's trying to convince you that all men are bastards. It's part of this pattern of abuse, along with all the dropping in unannounced, the criticising of your household, the expectations that you'll do his laundry, etc.

You have to have some boundaries around this guy. You will never make sense of this relationship. There is no hidden rhyme nor reason to his behaviour except this very simple one; he doesn't care about anyone's welfare but his own, and will put in the exact minimum effort to keep things going the way he likes and no more.

And BTW, no, my partner never disappears without telling me. If either of us are going to be home late, we call. About three years ago (so pre-daughter) went out with workmates for the evening, said I'd be home around 8, got pissed, lost track of time and got home at midnight. I'd been in a loud pub and not heard my phone. By the time I realised, it was 11.15, and he had rung 14 times, been out to walk up and down our street in case I'd been hit by a car on the way home from the bus stop, he was SO worried. And all because I was being too selfish to keep an eye on the time.

I still feel guilty about that, three years later.

I went out with workmates. Obviously.

DP occasionally nips out to the shop and comes back 5 hours later, drunk, which REALLY pisses me off, but never more than that.

Steelfairy...doesn't seem to be normal behaviour, particularly as you have children...Have they picked up on his absences in the past?

It does seem incredible that he should have the audacity to complain that you were unreasonable! Blessed Saint for putting up with his shenanigans I say!

Do you feel calmer and more at peace without him around...and do you feel he's changed at all? Did you ever get to the bottom of where he actually was during these absences? So many questions...but he is a strange case if you don't me saying...?