Does your dh/dp ever go out and do a bit of a disappearing act?

[thesteelfairy2]

If so, how often and how do you react? Would you be surprised, angry, accepting? How do you deal with it?

I ask as was drawn yet again into a "discussion" with ex about how unreasonable I was when married to him. When he went out he never came home till 5 or 6 in the morning sometimes not at all. He usually went out about 4 - 5 time a month. Sometimes he would disappear on 2 or 3 day benders, longest ever was 5 days. He regularly went on holidays by himself or with the lads.

He thought this was acceptable and says I will never meet anyone else unless I learn to accept that this is just what men do. All our arguments were apparently caused by my refusal to accept this. Firstly I do not wish to EVER meet anyone else but I am interested to hear what other men do.

I am asking a lot of questions like this at the moment trying to find some peace with re to my horrible marriage.

Never, ever.

My dh only doesn't answer the phone if he is attending a major emergency (like a cardiac arrest) - he's a doc.

has occasional "boys night out" but is always contactable, always home when he says so,

so not all men are arseholes like your ex!

In my experience, there are three main groups of people who are likely to regularly disappear off for a few days:

1. immature self-centered arses,
2. those with certain mental health issues,
3. people with drug or alcohol problems.

tons of work colleagues i know do that, they are usually out having fun and drinking and most often end up flirting with girls. i would not accept it if my dh did that. a relationship where things aren't out in the open including where i am/what i did/ why i didn't call/come home - is a relationship that is doomed. if you ex finds a partner who accepts that in him, one of them will definately end up muffing up the relationship one way or another.
you are free to find someone who isn't an arse and sounds like you deserve it

Not normal at all ime. One unplanned night of absence without a damn good explanation and preparatory phone call would be a dealbreaker. And vice versa. I agree that he was probably shagging other women. Hence his preposterous high horse manouvre.

My ex (champagne corks popping) did this.

He first disappeared for two days one year, then three days the next, five days the next and finally disappeared entirely to Thailand with all our money leaving me with the baby.

He was a knob and I now know he was also as mad as cheese.

its not normal bloke behaviour to disappear for days on end.

agree with snorbs 3 reasons. plus add
d)likes to pull random women and spend a few days hiding out at theirs ignoring responsibilities at home.

No.
DH got all that shit out of his system before I met him,in his late teens and early days of forces life.

Nope. My Dad used to do this all the time, and I vowed that I would never be the little woman at home taking care of the grown up world while my feckless husband did whatever he felt like. So I'm not. DH goes out, and so do I, but we respect each other enough not to take the piss. Also, DH doesn't drink, so if he disappeared for days on end I might start phoning hospitals.

My brother-in-law did this once before him and my sis were married

they had only just started dated

we still lived at home so it was a friday night, she was all dressed up, me, my brother and my parents were having dinner with friends so it was so embarassing for her - sitting there waiting for him, trying to hold back the tears and eventually having dinner with us she was 18, I was 16, my brother 20

he didn't ring all weekend and finally when he rang on Sunday my brother answered and gave him a right mouthful

he had gone off with the lads after footie and momentarily forgot he now had a girlfriend and didn't ring

he got so much stick for it he has never done it again

it is the sort of thing you do BEFORE children, if you really must, but still causes hideous pain

after children, no way

No, it's not normal.

I have an ex who did it - he was an alcoholic. If they are not out on the shag these people care more about drinking than their partner.

He is probably in denial about an alcohol problem and trying to convince himself its normal behaviour.

I know I need to stop discussing EVERYTHING apart from dc with him. You have no idea how difficult it is though. It is so hard watching him act all hard done and self righteous to because I MADE him move out and ended the marriage.

Snorbs once again you seem to know my dh. Whenever I post about him you have such insight. I would say that a, c and d apply to him. He and his family always acted like this was just how men were and I am fairly isolated from family and friends here to I got sucked in a bit in a well you have to take the bad with good kind of thing but looking back it was and still is nearly all bad.

Tortoise I know you are right. Thank you for saying it so point blank. Although I am not sure that he cares about ME moving on. He says he couldn't care less if I meet someone else but they will not be introduced to HIS kids. "he doesn't care about anyone's welfare but his own, and will put in the exact minimum effort to keep things going the way he likes and no more." Never a truer word spoken.

Sorry I keep coming on here and droning on about him, god I am boring the tits off myself with it. I just am struggling to make sense of it all. Maybe there is no sense to be made, maybe I just have to accept that.

op - x's behaviour is outrageous and he is a fantasist if he thinks all men behave like that. they do not.

dh has/would never dissapear overnight with no contact and if i did i think he'd be frantic!

Nope, Dp always tells me where he's going and when he's going to be back (and, If I'm going to be looking after DS all day as a result, he asks me if I mind.) If he's going to be later that he thought he'll ring and tell me.

He goes camping with his freinds a couple of times a year. He always rings to see how we are and let me know how much fun he's having. And he comes home when he says he will.

He isn't unusual among his freinds and he expects the same standard of behaviour from me.

NO

"Although I am not sure that he cares about ME moving on. He says he couldn't care less if I meet someone else but they will not be introduced to HIS kids."

Well, then he does care, doesn't he, because he's thought about it and is trying to set limitations on how you should act even after meeting someone new. Which he cannot do, by the way.

Of course he cares, and I don't mean that in a Mills and Boon way. He's pulling out all the stops to make sure you don't move on. Telling you that all men are like him is part of that.

You're not boring, by the way, I didn't mean that. Just, don't turn yourself inside out to make sense of a man who does not operate by the same rules as decent people.

And stop letting him have the run of your house, too.

I know you didn't, I think I am pretty boring though. Don't have friends close in RL they are all off living it up abroad and I am sure not interested in me ranting about my exh via email. So MN tend to get it all!

Honestly he doesn't have the run of my house I do think carefully about what I allow him to do here since my last thread when he came back from his little jaunt eg I don't mind him making himself a slice of toast or whatever as long as he asks. I am quite firm and do say regularly "but you don't live here" if he ever tries to have an opinion of something to with the flat. It is a slow process with him though and I hate arguing in front of dc.

Ok so no more engaging. No more trying to get him to understand what a complete t*unt he was. Let him make his smarmy comments, it matters not a jot now. Will really try.

DH has never ever done this and has had two holidays without me in 13 years. both with his brother and both i knew about, he has been abroad on business about a dozen times too.

does a lot of corporate entertaining but is very clear, 'I will be home at 2am and will sleep in the spare room so as not to disturb you'

always has his phone on and with him, but will tell me that he can't always get to his phone but will respond when he can

never been out all night or for a day or more

it is not what men do, i don't know any men who behave like this.

sounds like you are far far better off without him

he sounds like he wants a single life with the comfort of being cooked for, washed up for and sexually serviced when he wants

not a nice marraige to be in

No, he knows I worry about his safety so on a (very rare) night out he usually texts or phones to let me know roughly when he will get home.

I couldn't cope with disappearing acts.

tsf2...listen to shiney

Not normal. No. Unless he suffers from depression, addiction, or is a control freak. In your ex's case, sounds like the third. My DP has done this about three times since we moved in together, on each occasion, during a period of depression. Any other time, we will tell each other when we're going out, and phone if we're going to be late. It's just common courtesy and respect.

Have to say, without knowing your backstory, I wouldn't even be letting him make toast. It may be giving him the message that he still has rights in your life. And as for not introducing any new male friends to 'His' children, well, he has no rights there. Would he be the same about not introducing new lady friends to them? It sounds all about control and double standards. You are well rid. Other men are not like your ex, as this thread has amply demonstrated, and you need to disengage from him, remember that his bad behaviour is NOT your fault, and that you could never have changed it. Then smile, move on thanking your stars that you have been able to (many women are trapped for life) and pity his next victim.

That is so how I want to feel Shiney. Very encouraging. Think I need that lecture. I talk to my Mum sometimes but she is a bit of a wallower and loves to talk endlessly about how "awful" it has all been. Like the night he finally moved out she rang me up and said "Are you OK? You sound DREADFUL!" and then rang me the next day to tell me again "how DREADFUL" I had sounded the night before, plummeting me straight back into the pits of despair.

"I send him cards on his birthday and father's day from our DS and I have made it clear that he is free to call DS whenever he wants to and see him when he wants, on top of his usual contact."

This is how I want us to be. From today I am going to try so hard to do it this way. After our last discussion I went out to the shop and my legs were shaking and I was breathing really hard, stomach churning and I thought it is ONLY after these "discussions" that I feel like this. You are right, no more talking about "IT".