Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it harder to make friends if you are pretty?

73 replies

crimeandpunishment · 15/03/2010 11:56

I know this may seem conceited and I expect to get flamed but I feel lonely and although I have female friends, they don't seem to want to get close to me

I am not vain or 'big headed'. I have been told I am pretty and I used to get a lot of male attention when I was younger, but actually I don't have much confidence in myself.

Sometimes I feel like friends partners are flirting with me, even though I am sure I don't openly give out those vibes. I am chatty and open, but not a flirt. I have a happy marriage to my DH, who feels women may feel threatened or be jealous of my looks

Seeing this written down makes me cringe as it makes me sound so vain and full of myself. I just would like some close friends, who I can meet regularly and confide in. Of course it may be other things hindering my ability to make such friends but I do wonder. Women can be competitive and I have often found men easier to get on with. Actually DH was my 'best friend' before we became a couple. He still is but I need company when he is at work

OP posts:
cluckyduck · 15/03/2010 11:59

No, i know lots of "pretty" people and I dont think the way they look plays any real part in the friendships,so I dont think its down to that.

Do you work at the moment, or are you a SAHM? Could you join a gym / class / playgroup etc to meet people?

thisisnotwhoyouthink · 15/03/2010 12:01

If someone judges your friendship 'worthiness' on the way you look, then they are no friend and not worth your time.

Twinkster · 15/03/2010 12:05

No. I am very pretty and have no trouble making friends with women. I find that smiling a lot and being patently interested in their lives/children has always helped. I made lots of friends through doing things that I thought I would never do in a zillion years, like going to playgroups and coffee mornings.

It's true that I've found it easier since having children, though. Before children, I think other women can think that you're out to get their partners just because you're pretty. Once you have children, though, you're another mum like them - and the general assumption is presumably that you're quite happy with your own DH if you're having his children...

antoinettechigur · 15/03/2010 16:27

tbh I think it can make a difference to some people - there are some people who are in competition in friendships. But there are plenty who are not.

I agree with what Twinkster says about trying to be smiley and interested. Maybe it is more about your lack of confidence? Don't go out thinking you have to make friends, just try to make eye contact and maybe a little chat at first, and friendships will come eventually.

SpeedyGonzalez · 15/03/2010 16:42

Hmm...interesting one. As a point for consideration (and not at all an underhand attempt to flame you), I have heard from several sources (experts included) that people who are extraordinarily attractive often have less well-developed social skills than others, because they've relied on their looks to get them through life. If you are having trouble making and keeping friends, do you think this might be worth considering?

I have a peripheral friend who was once more central to my life, who is absolutely stunning. But when I look at certain aspects of her character I do find she can be a bit flaky - often relies on other people to do silly little things for her that she really ought to be able to do for herself. I think people are willing to do these things for her because she's learned that she can get them to do it, which is ultimately a form of manipulation.

I know nothing about you, c&p, so this is clearly not a personal comment - but it's possible that you might have developed your own characteristics which make you not such a good friend as you may think you are...

BessieBoots · 15/03/2010 16:44

No. I'm a minger and I don't have any friends.

JackSpratt · 15/03/2010 16:51

I'm gawjus

And very flaky

Must buy more moisturiser.

mablemurple · 15/03/2010 16:56

Agree with Speedy, and also think that your comment "Women can be competitive.." is significant, in that it may be subconsciously sabotaging your attempts to make close female friends. Do you actually like women, as this does not come across in your post. Also, the jealous/threatened thing is a load of shite imo and that way of thinking does more harm than good.

SpeedyGonzalez · 15/03/2010 17:17

mable - agree about the 'competitive' thing. IME women generally seek to make connections rather than to compete with each other.

DrNortherner · 15/03/2010 17:20

Are you shy?

Sometimes I expect stunning women to be uber confident and shyness, when you are pretty can sometimes come across as aloofness imo.

4andnotout · 15/03/2010 17:24

That'll explain my pack of friends then

antoinettechigur · 15/03/2010 17:26

I agree with DrNortherner.

I have a friend like this. Maybe it is you!!

On the subject of underdeveloped social skills, I don't think it is fair to say good looking people rely on their looks. I was an ugly, unconfident kid who became better looking as a teen. I've never found looks important, though appreciate that it is nice to be considered good-looking.

ItsGraceAgain · 15/03/2010 18:30

C&P, I found your OP quite irritating and it's not because you said "I'm pretty." It's often refreshing to hear people acknowledging their good looks - not the way you did it, though. I wasn't quite sure why, so I'm grateful for Speedy and Mabel's posts - they've put their finger on it, I feel.

A friend of mine used to complain that women seemed wary of her. When I went with her to some events, I saw why. She did this thing where she sort of hovered at the entrance, preening. It would only last a minute or less, but long enough for several men in the room to notice her & start gravitating to her. Obviously, women noticed it too! Nobody had ever told her she did it. Maybe you do something of the kind?

Your post reads as though you believe your prettiness to be your most outstanding characteristic ... and, further, that you expect other women to be threatened by it. Neither of those qualities make you very appealing as a friend. How about being more interested in the other women, for themselves, than in the effect you (think you) have on them?

In short - get over yourself & lighten up!

Original poster
crimeandpunishment · 15/03/2010 18:50

I said women can be competitive, not that they all are or I expect them to be

Yes I like women, hence my post

My Dh suggested women may be threatened by my looks, I don't expect them to be. As I said in my post, I don't think I am good looking (and I certainly don't preen myself)

I always ask other women about their lives and compliment them.

OP posts:
Original poster
crimeandpunishment · 15/03/2010 18:53

The truth is I find it hard to make close friends and it is probably something to do with my personality or character, not looks. I am clutching at straws because I can get over the fact that it is to do with looks but would be gutted to think I am an unlikeable person

OP posts:
cluckyduck · 15/03/2010 18:59

Are you out going OP or quite shy and reserved?

Whereabouts are you based? The posters here may know some local coffee mornings or playgroups you could attend.

tabbycat7 · 15/03/2010 18:59

Oooohh, perhaps that's why I find it so hard to make friends!! That's cheered me up a little

ItsGraceAgain · 15/03/2010 19:01

Nobody's that unlikeable, C&P

Perhaps all you need is some good, old-fashioned, making-friends advice? Meet as many people as possible, show an interest in them, smile & make eye contact. Try not to talk about yourself too much and don't cling.

The more you find to like about other people, the easier it gets ...

antoinettechigur · 15/03/2010 19:03

Well you don't come across as unlikeable at all in your posting.
Making friends can be hard, but you can do it. It just means that you may end up with one or two really deep friendships, rather than loads of acquainatnces.
What do you do during the day at the moment?

mrsruffallo · 15/03/2010 19:05

I think that you should post a picture of yourself and we'll all judge you

Original poster
crimeandpunishment · 15/03/2010 19:33

I am on maternity leave with a nine month old and a four year old. I do have friends but most of them are already paired off in close friendships and I tag on IYSWIM. I can go weeks without meeting up with someone, but some weeks I do playdates. I do text people, email and phone etc. But people always seem busy with other things. I just don't seem to be able to make a 'best friend' myself, have never been a bridesmaid or godmother. I know that sounds a bit like playground mentality but I am an open and passionate person and I crave someone to be close enough to get on that level with. Do any of you have that?

My Dh jokes that I married my best friend and he is right but I need more. I know I need to make more effort, it is too easy to just be with my family all the time. I think I should move away from the looks thing as a reason, it is not important anymore. I used to focus on that as a teenager and in my early twenties, as I grew up with a bulllying step father. I did seek male attention back then and based my self esteem on it. Not anymore though, I have moved on from that. I do think looks have got me some things in life but I do have a brain as well, and I believe I am a caring person. I just don't want to end up a loner.

For example I went to a birthday party recently and felt a bit shy. I did start to chat to a mum as no one else seemed to be talking to her. I asked her all about her pregancy and where she lived etc. She didn't ask me anything really and seemed uninterested

OP posts:
Original poster
crimeandpunishment · 15/03/2010 19:34

Mrsruffallo - not going to open myself up to such judgement!

OP posts:
EggyAllenPoe · 15/03/2010 19:37

erm..no..i think being shy is a barrier to making friends, being pretty is if anything helpful.

nickytwotimes · 15/03/2010 19:37

I am decent looking and have no probs making friends.
They are all gorgeous too.

cluckyduck · 15/03/2010 19:40

Oh well it's nothing to do with your looks OP!

We all have long periods where we feel like the odd one out, I've only just got over one myself recently! The only thing that helped me get over it was DD starting school so I met a lot more mums in the playground.

Until then All you can do is keep putting yourself out there, and send out positive, welcoming energy. Join play groups, exercise classes etc.

Don't overthink it, you have friends, a best friend in your DP and you're hot! You're doing okay IMO.