Is it harder to make friends if you are pretty?

[crimeandpunishment]

I know this may seem conceited and I expect to get flamed but I feel lonely and although I have female friends, they don't seem to want to get close to me

I am not vain or 'big headed'. I have been told I am pretty and I used to get a lot of male attention when I was younger, but actually I don't have much confidence in myself.

Sometimes I feel like friends partners are flirting with me, even though I am sure I don't openly give out those vibes. I am chatty and open, but not a flirt. I have a happy marriage to my DH, who feels women may feel threatened or be jealous of my looks

Seeing this written down makes me cringe as it makes me sound so vain and full of myself. I just would like some close friends, who I can meet regularly and confide in. Of course it may be other things hindering my ability to make such friends but I do wonder. Women can be competitive and I have often found men easier to get on with. Actually DH was my 'best friend' before we became a couple. He still is but I need company when he is at work

"but actually I don't have much confidence in myself"

There's your answer. Find some confidence and stop worrying about your looks and friends will find you.

BoF...you are beautiful, made worse by the fact your postings are witty, intelligent and often kind.

but people do judge on looks! its like, proven and everything (hopes no one askes for double researched papers of proof....)

and yes, sometimes im not nearly as keen to be freindly to someone who is better looking than me. especially if i am feeling rough and sorry for myself because i am no longer a stunner (bloody childbearing).

seriously tho OP, i recon your problem is more likely to be that you are maybe not feeling very confident and thats something ppl pick up on.

erm.. yes, studies found people thought to be more attractive earned more and were happier...

so i think the prettier you face, the more friends, generally speaking, you will have coming to admire it.

but i think personality is vastly more important, and also that if you are a 'geezer bird' who has kids, coping wiht being with women, and sober, is rather a different thng...

"Geezer bird"!!! Now there's a phrase I've not heard for about 20 years!

I have to admit to feeling a mixture of envy and fear when I see very pretty women, probably due to being bullied by a couple of them at school!

I wasn't a total bushpig myself, but they made me feel so bad about myself I was actually suicidal at one point!

Not that I'm saying you would have this effect on any one - just be aware that some pretty girls do tend to take the pee out of their less fortunate sisters, even as grown ups and so some women might just be a little nervous of you looking down on them.

Saying that, some of my best friends have been gorgeous too and I had no problem when first meeting them, cos they made me feel at ease cos they were so friendly.

so I think that confidence, a big smile and a obvious interest in the other person helps.

Just read your post again and realised you really seem to be wanting to get closer to friends you already have - i too have this problem and I would love an answer!

I moved around a lot over the years and kept having to make new friends every couple of years and just never seem to get the closeness i had when younger.

I'd just keep being friendly with ones you've got already and perhaps see if they will do something one-to-one once in a while, like going for a drink/gym class/shopping or just keep being friendly/supportive/fun and hope it eventually develops. Or find some new mates with an interest in common to you - I've just started to try this with a couple of different activites in a week and it has been a great boost.

It's possible that some people, on percieving a 'pretty' woman who seems to be aware of her appearance, might be a bit put off on the grounds that they might think (reasonably or not) that all she's got to talk about is shoes and hair straighteners. But having difficulty making new friends when, for whatever reason, you've moved away from your old peer group or your life has changed in some way is not that much to do with your looks. Since DS was born I have found it hard to make many new friends - though my old friends are still lovely and still friends, most of them are also still childfree, which has made it tricky - and I have found it hard to fit in at either playgroups or the school gates. Now I am not pretty - I am scruffy, hefty and have odd dress sense but I'm fine with that - my problems WRT palling up with other mums have been more to do with being a lot older than most of them, single, and having spent the 10 or 15 years of my life preDS mixing mostly with people who had fairly unconventional views/lifestyles etc.
So my advice to you would be to seek out things that interest you and make friends with people who share those interests, rather than relying on proximity.

I'm probably similar to you SolidGold - not very conventional in some ways and find it difficult to fit in cos I won't change my ways!

God, there's a bunch of crap on this thread

Anyone who genuinely believes looks matter THAT much needs a therapist more than they need new friends.

The requirements for being a model, fyi, are a certain height and the kind of face that looks good on camera (clearly-defined features, mainly).

All that research about more 'attractive' people gaining certain benefits is based on photos. If the person is smiling, they're deemed more attractive.

Honestly, you don't want to believe everything you read in women's magazines!

Who says we read womens magazines?

Well, apparently you don't ... You said you "find it difficult to fit in cos I won't change my ways!" So if you turf up looking entirely different to the others, you would have to try a bit harder (maybe smile more) to gain acceptance.

But your posts suggest a hint of choosing the way you look, in order to show you're NOT like the others. Meaning, you don't want to "fit in". Which is fair enough.

OP..........used to find the same thing when i was a teenager... Never used to get asked out,as it was assumed i already had a boyfriend,so i ended up pretty lonely...so i know how you feel.

chatty and open can be threatening to some and misconstrued as flirty. If you are pretty you will appear more confident which is posssibly more attracive to men and not so,to some less confident women.
Over chattiness can sometimes be overpowering too others when you are in a bigger group.sort of egocentric.
If you are also clever and capable aswell people can ease away from you as it appears you dont need anyone in order to succeed in life.Are you a perfectionist by any chance?

Would you ever apppear in scruffy clothes and dishevelled just to appear more human or would you say you are naturally pretty?

I'm now 49, and for most of my adult life have been regarded as very pretty, or at least well above average (if not in a conventional sense) good looks.

This isn't something I've ever aspired to or tried to maintain (gym, diets, etc) since my early twenties, I'm just much taller than average and have very striking colouring and body shape.

Problem is - I've gained a LOT of weight over the last few years. It's had a really bad effect on my self confidence in some respects and I no longer get quite the sort of attention I took for granted from men when I was younger. But I don't care any more. I have a much younger DH who is no Adonis, but we are as sexy as hell together!

But who cares? I don't find it hard now to "make friends" with other women - I'm an old school feminist and I don't give a shit what someone looks like.

What I have noticed though is a tendency for younger lasses to be much more judgemental about who they will regard as suitable friend material according to their looks. Not that this affects me - but I've seen some lovely young girls (through work etc.) excluded from friendship groups because they are too fat, don't use fake-bake etc.

Perhaps I'm being naive, but this seems to be a sort of ((whispers)) post 80's Thatcherite Yuppie sort of thing..

Perhaps I'm reaping the rewards of most of an adult life being somewhat babelicious , but I have the confidence to talk to other women without apologies for not being toned or tanned.

I really really hate the superficial way that people seem to judge each other nowawadays...

OP, you sound really nice, caring honest person.
I think looks may have something to do with popularity when you are a teenager, but not in your 30s.
You say you have friendships, just not a very close friend, so what's wrong with just tagging along? I used to think I didnt couldn't make friends easily because I am not very good looking, now I realise that it has nothing to do with looks, nothing to do with Other people.
Some people find it easy to make friends other don't. It is a skill.

OP, I know I'm attractive and even though I'm approaching 45 still get a lot of male attention. To be honest, I find that a bit irritating but I expect I'll miss it when it goes... That said, for various reasons, I had developed a shell which I hid behind which meant that I wasn't being myself for quite a long time. I used to consciously think about how I was going to "be". I used to worry about it really. The point is that people can sense that and it makes them wary. I had quite a lot of therapy and one thing which came out quite strongly was that if you don't allow yourself to show some vulnerability and give people the chance to know the real you, then you are likely to always be in friendships/relationships which are superficial.

I'm not saying this is what you're doing but it may be worth thinking about.

I didn't get to this, by the way, until I was in my mid 30s.

I have always been told I am "a very attractive woman" by kind friends and family, however, I have never thought this to be so. I am small, petite, with little boobs and a boyish figure. AT school boys always went for the girls with big t*s and I had little attention. When my H left me 6 months ago, all my feelings of unattractiveness resurfaced, did he leave because he didn't fancy me anymore etc. I am in my mid-40's and cannot imagine anyone else will be interested in me. SO if you are considered pretty and have a loving relationship then stop worrying about the number of friends you have. I'm sure you will find you have enough to get by.

i think you're taking things far too personally.

sometimes if someone doesn't ask me about myself, i tell them things (interesting things i hope!) about myself and hope that the conversation will become more natural.

sometimes people are just shy or awkward and it's not because of YOU that they don't ask about your life.

i don't have best friends but i do have a lot of friends. i've learnt not to take things to heart and not get offended.

i don't think it's because of your looks. you need to get a bit more personal awareness. like someone said (think it was speedy), analyze what happened afterwards and try to get to the real root.

Partytime, I too am small and lacking in the boob department. However, I consider myself to be very attractive, and I would guess that your family and friends are right about you. Your H left you because he was a fool, not because of your flat chest.

My (unremarkable) looks have not changed much in 30 years: I was a fairly ordinary looking teen and I am a fairly ordinary looking 46yo. What I have found, however, is that this friend making thing goes in cycles. I was isolated and occasionally bullied at school, then very sociable (and I think popular) at uni, then isolated for a few years in my new town, then made friends at toddler groups (one or two of whom have lasted), then went through an isolated stage again- could be just about to move out of it. What I have learnt is not to take it personally, if I am not making many contacts at the moment it does not reflect on Me as a Person, in a written-in-stone sort of way; it's just a stage I'm going through.