Is it harder to make friends if you are pretty?

[crimeandpunishment]

I know this may seem conceited and I expect to get flamed but I feel lonely and although I have female friends, they don't seem to want to get close to me

I am not vain or 'big headed'. I have been told I am pretty and I used to get a lot of male attention when I was younger, but actually I don't have much confidence in myself.

Sometimes I feel like friends partners are flirting with me, even though I am sure I don't openly give out those vibes. I am chatty and open, but not a flirt. I have a happy marriage to my DH, who feels women may feel threatened or be jealous of my looks

Seeing this written down makes me cringe as it makes me sound so vain and full of myself. I just would like some close friends, who I can meet regularly and confide in. Of course it may be other things hindering my ability to make such friends but I do wonder. Women can be competitive and I have often found men easier to get on with. Actually DH was my 'best friend' before we became a couple. He still is but I need company when he is at work

crime...are you a little needy? I know I am, I am starting again with dcs in a new school trying to squeeze into already formed relationships. I think I need to find a hobby and like minded people, I am nice looking and pretty funny....but I think I'm too full on and it puts people off.

I'll be your friend!

We used to have the most amazingly gorgeous Mum at school...not only was she beautiful (I'm talking model beautiful), tall with amazingly prestigious friends (ballet dancers, international rugby players, etc) but everyone LOVED her. because she was a lovely person too.

We all used to say Goddamm...not only is she stunning, but she's a lovely person too. But we loved her for it. Concentrate on being a good, kind person, a good friend, and people will like you.

Can you join a club or take up a hobby? Meet like minded people without kids in tow. I know when my ds started school I thought I would make a tonne of new friends as we had our kids in common, truth is i didn't. I say hello and that's it. Best friends are often made away from the kids IYSWIM.

OP I feel like you have had a tough time on here tbh. It's not very British to say 'I am pretty' at all and some people don't like it.

I am by no means gorgeous, but I know I am attractive (I am cringing typing this why is that?) and have felt pre judged by certain people, often women. I met some friends of a friend once and they actually told her they didn't like me and I loved myself, which is utter bollocks and dh could only put it down to them being jealous. I had only met them once and was nothing but nice and polite to them.

However I have some very close friends who love me warts and all and me them!

Your dh sounds lovely by the way.

Thanks DrNortherner - you sound similar! Yes my Dh is lovely and I am lucky to have him. I don't want/need loads of friends or to be going out all the time. I remember feeling like I should want this when I was younger but as I have got older, I realise that everyone is different. I am naturally a quite, reflective person who likes to potter at home and read books. I like the odd night out but not all the time. I met my dh when I was 19 and we just spent all our time together really. Most of the mums I know are older, late thirties and early forties (I am thirty) and didn't meet their hubbies until they were older. Thus maybe they had more time as single girls to form close friendships.

When I said that I got on with men better, it sounded negative I realise that now. I suppose all I meant was that maybe I neglected female friendships a bit because I had dh. I did have a lovely, close friend but we had a minor fall out over a silly bridesmaid issue and although I try to keep in touch, she seems to have moved on. That was years ago, when I was a lot less mature and I regret it. I cannot change the past though and can only move forward.

Ah, C&P, now if we're talking 'best friends'...

No, I don't have a 'best friend' in the way you describe (apart from my DH). But I wouldn't want one either: I like being friends with lots of people, but don't feel the need for that kind of closeness. TBH, I'd steer clear of anyone who came across as needy. Prettiness doesn't put me off, but neediness definitely does.

Just read your most recent post, C&P. I don't do nights out either - but I do like meeting friends for coffee/with children in playgrounds/for walks and so on. Having the children really helped, as there's always common ground even with people whom you otherwise might not have befriended.

I have just moved cities and am negotiating two new playgrounds. I was utterly dreading it, because my natural inclination is to hide with a book. However, it is undoubtedly the case that looking smiley and friendly does attract other people. Asking for help is good, too: if you're pretty (as I also am), people can assume you don't need help with anything. Admitting you're shy/new/whatever can break the ice - but I'm sure you know all this, and I am wittering!

in answer to the op's original question. i really don't know, but i will share this with you.

i met my best friend on the first day of uni when we had a course meet/greet/get ourselves into tutor groups. i made a beeline for bf cos she looked like someone i would hit it off with. we did end up in a group together and have been super close friends since then BUT...she confessed a while back that she had tried to avoid being in my group that day and this was her reason 'oh yeh i knew we'd get on but i also new that my brother would fancy the f**k out of you and i thought it might make the friendship difficult'

(she was right - the brother pursued me as soon as we met and we had a fling and yeh it was awkward!!)

Actually I agree with the OP, women who are underconfident often seem to find very attractive women hard to be friends with because they feel they have nothing in common with them. Which is why you have to make that extra effort to be superfriendly and unthreatening to them and absolutely never ever flirt or even appear to do so, around their husbands.

Also, it's easy to fall into ways where you just let people fawn over you (mostly men it has to be said) and that's very off-putting for other women.

But awareness can make a huge difference to both issues.

It is possible that is is more an issue of your shyness that makes people back off, rather than your looks. Remember that your husband sees what is special and lovely about you and is bound to rate how you look very highly. My DP raves about how beautiful I am every day, and I sometimes have to pull myself up and remind myself that I actually look like a hobbit

Where are you OP? I'm sure there's a mumsnetter close by willing to be your friend...

(though if you're close to me, I may ask you to bring a paper bag to put over your head if we meet)

C&P - "I asked her all about her pregancy and where she lived etc. She didn't ask me anything really and seemed uninterested" Ohhh, please don't take this to heart. DH and I complain to each other about this ALL the time - I'm sure I've also started a thread about it on MN in the past, with loads of replies saying people had experienced this too. Loads of people are just self-absorbed/ completely unable to come up with even the most basic way of showing an interest in other people. That's their problem, not yours. So although I can see why you'd connect it to your overall friendship problem, and not least because you're feeling vulnerable, I assure you that this is a different problem altogether.

I can identify with some of what you've said about sometimes feeling that everyone already has their friends...I've felt this from time to time in my life, and then in one way or another things have changed and I've found new friends. Sorry, that's really vague, but just wanted to reassure you that you're not alone in feeling this way sometimes.

Also it's worth asking yourself what kind of friendship you're interested in. E.g. I very much value deep, close friendships with a few women, but cannot abide the joined-at-the-hip thing which I've observed in some people throughout my life.

I agree that shyness can come across as aloofness - in fact when I've complained on MN about people showing no interest when I've been really friendly, some posters have said that they do this because they're shy. I do think it's worthwhile asking yourself the painful questions posed about your character on this thread - IME self-reflection of this sort takes a good deal of time and effort. It's often not possible to identify whether you do/ don't do certain things until you're in the context - the way I've managed to reflect on myself is by asking myself the following questions, either in or immediately after a particular situation:

1. What happened there?
2. How did that person respond to me?
3. How did I respond to them?
4. Could I have done things differently? If so, how, and with what possible outcome?

Then I'll vow to try a different approach next time I'm in a similar situation. This is a brilliant way of working out whether your character is causing a problem, because (a) when you try a new way of 'being you', you can see straight away that people respond differently and you can decide whether that's the sort of response you want to get; (b) it's immensely empowering because you can see straight away what you're doing wrong and what you're doing right.

BOF you are so right! That painting from your DP on your profile pic looks just like this! Hardly. 'Tis a very sexy-looking pic if you ask me.

Oh, and when you say 'women can be competitive', I can honestly say that this is not an observation I would make of women, even some women - though of course some women can be, but it's just not something I experience enough to feature on my radar. So I think it's worth asking yourself if there's a reason why you're experiencing this.

I don't think being good-looking makes you less attractive as a friend to other women. I've actually noticed that women like and are 'attracted' to beautiful women as much as men. But you have to be friendly as well. I know I come across as aloof quite often (I'm actually shy) and I also have a posh voice, and people think I'm stuck up when they first meet me (several people who are now good friends have said this). I think people often respond the way you expect them to, maybe because you are subconsciously projecting onto them, or something.

No I don't think so.

I got better looking as I got older (then you know, getting older steps in), and it became easier not harder to make friends. I've had a couple of women say after the fact they were intimidated at first but I wear 'em down and become friends. I find this unbelievable because it's usually the ones that I find gorgeous or stunning who say this.

Anyway smile, be friendly, be happy, works a treat.

I like pretty people! It's nice to have a pretty face to look at over a coffee or whatever. Maybe it's just that you're coming over a bit self-conscious? I sympathise because I find it quite hard to make new friends as I'm quite shy and can come over as a bit stand-offish (so I'm told).

This is interesting. I had a very pretty friend complain that only dickheads (this was at school) asked her out or even spoke to her. Apparently nice boys were intimidated by her looks and thought she was out of their league, and only twits with an inflated ego went for her.

I was really gawky in my teens.

I have felt a little bit the same myself because I have always been slim. I put this down to the fact that I have never dieted. I really think that dieting causes the whole overweight thing. But I have noticed that other girls will talk about someone who is slim and then say 'Bitch'.

I have often thought that being beautiful must be a bit of a bitch, because you have to lose your looks and reaclimatise to being and invisible middle-aged woman.

At school and Uni, and I don't know why, I always had beautiful friends, so I was automatically the less pretty.

There is a woman I have known for years who has always looked middle-aged. Magically, now she is middle-aged, she looks in her element.

candp -I have had the same problem as you - still do with making friends, but I am alot older than you so I am 'past my prime anway', but I have decided that my difficulty now is a boring old lack of social skills (in the past, however, one of the major factors stopping me making friends was being in abusive relationships with men which cuts you off from interaction with people and isolates you anyway). I am naturally quite a quiet person, (much more shy though when I was younger) and this shyness, coupled with being a reasonably attractive woman, did, in the past,I think, make other women view me as aloof and my best friend years ago told me that when she first met me, and got talking to me, I was completely different from what she expected me to be like. I sometimes think women expect attractive women to be really confident in themselves and idealise what their life is like (when in reality they can be very lonely).

Being gorgeous has not impeded me in any way.HTH

I can confirm that bof is very pretty and looks nothing like Frodo Baggins

It's bizarre to be treated as pretty when you are not used to it.

Well I really am not pretty. I am 45 years old and overweight (considerably so) and to be perfctly honest I do shy away from women who are too beautiful. It doesn't reflect very well on me as a person but that is the honest truth.

I spend a lot of time feeling bad about the way I look, it is a sort of on-going background noise for me, so being around really beautiful people makes me feel even more awkward and lumpy.

If the beautiful person has a very good sense of humour, then thatb can be anough for me to get past "their looks" but otherwise I often just don't try to talk to them much - beauty makes me nervous (both in women and men)

That last post sounds pretty bad especially the "I don't talk to them much".

What I meant was in a room of people I don't know I will look around for someone to talk to and will aim for the the one who looks most welcoming and least threatening. For me that would exclude anyone who was
obviously "gorgeous" as I would imagine they had better people to talk to and I would feel awkward.