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Is this my epiphany - I'm soiled goods?

51 replies

Bobbins · 24/06/2003 15:20

OK, I'm being a little bit of a drama queen here. But, I have just had a sudden (unsettling) thought that the reason why my nice catholic boyfriend, who I love very dearly, would not want children with me (or anyone else....he claims(!?)), ould be due to the fact that I have already had one child by another man. A soiled womb. I know it sounds archaic, but I feel like relations between men and women are in ways doomed to be archaic.

Forgive me ....I have finally gotten round to reading the first few chapters of "The Red Tent" and I am wondering about the whole sex, birth, death, man, woman thing and how this whole cycle can ever really CHANGE???????

I have, in the past lied about the previous number of sexual partners I've experienced, but there is no way I can deny the fact that I have previously been pregnant, laboured, breastfed and raised a child to meet his ten month roundness. I've just had this dreadful realisation that my pproud feelings about all of this might somehow be unattractive to a subsequent partner.

I remeber thinking it was quite undesirable to have different children by different men. When Harvey's left me that was one of my biggest fears, even though he was a complete arse I wanted another baby like Harvey, I didn't want to have another child with a different man. I have somehow managed to block this out until now. I suppose I am looking at this situation from my new partners perspective for the first time. I'm damaged goods, no matter how much you hope those attitudes do not prevail!


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Bobbins · 24/06/2003 15:26

It wouldn't be my first born, in his mind I've seen it all before. He'd want to go throught that initiation with someone new to it all alongside. A discovery together.

HELP...I'm doomed to seem like a motherly figure who has seen it all before. I HAVEN'T.

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M2T · 24/06/2003 15:32

Oh Bobbins - I don't know what to say except that YOU ARE NOT SPOILED GOODS! Please don't think like that. I'm sure that wouldn't be stopping your dp wanting children or else why would he stay with you..... and he IS staying with you.

Bobbins · 24/06/2003 15:39

I bloody am though. I feel proud of what I have done, but I also feel very much bloodied, not least by my ex partner

Gonna try and sit out in the sun now and not feel so dismal. My new job means that I am not having Saturday and Sundays as my weekend. For the next four weeks it is Mondays and Tuesdays as weekend, where does my tradirtional Sunday roast fit into that equation? I am missing my fix of Mumsnet and also still feeling out of my depth in my new job.


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Bobbins · 24/06/2003 15:40

Thanks anyway M2T

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Bobbins · 24/06/2003 15:45

When Harvey's DAD left me that was one of my biggest fears......

Have just been catching up with the "site stuff" and tech's ammendments...shall make use of the "preview" in "create new conversation" henceforth!

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Bobbins · 24/06/2003 15:47

Why do I care about grammar and effing spelling when life feels so god darned crap?

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SoupDragon · 24/06/2003 15:49

I have a friend who's just gone through a bitter divorce. She has one child who does not live with her. Her new partner certainly doesn't see her as "soiled goods". He wants her to be the mother of his children.

Any child you have with another partner will be your (plural) firstborn as parents. Any new baby will be completely different - even subsequent babies of the same parents come with surprises, shocks and make you learn new things.

You are not "soiled goods" no matter how much you may feel this at the moment. Very few people come into a relationship with no history at all.

I doubt anything we can say here will make you feel differently I get the impression that you're feeling low generally and everything's getting you down at the moment. Lots of hugs coming your way...

nerdgirl · 24/06/2003 15:51

Bobbins, if your boyfriend doesn't want to become a father with anyone maybe he just doesn't want to become a father. Maybe it's just about him.

Which, of course, means that you have to decide if having another child is important enough for you to leave him.

Could that be where this theory of 'soiled goods' is coming from? (and the book - good isn't it? ) I mean, if you convince yourself that it's you, then you can stay with him.

Shot in the dark. But if he really thought that way about you, wouldn't he have left you?

Rhubarb · 24/06/2003 15:56

Oh Bobbins, I bet your new beau is no angel - if I know my catholics correctly, I'll bet he lost his virginity eons ago, AND taken a few risks in his time too! We all make mistakes, but your ds is not a mistake. You were in love with his dad at the time, it wasn't a casual relationship. You didn't contribute to the relationship breakup, you have made the right decisions all along in this, and you have every reason to hold your head up high! Your beau obviously thinks that you're something special, that's why he's with you and not some virginal choirsinger!

Even if he was with someone who hadn't had kids, he might not want any himself. Men aren't usually the ones who DO want children, we are. He probably just wants to enjoy you and love you for who you are. You're putting words into his mouth that probably aren't there. Why not sit him down and tell him your worries? I'll be he'd be horrified if he knew what you were thinking!

Marina · 24/06/2003 15:57

Oh, Bobbins, your post has just made me cry. Please don't ever describe yourself as soiled goods - you later post as being proud of yourself and so you should be.
Having and then losing a child has made me feel such a profound failure on so many levels at times, that even though our circumstances of loss are different, I think I can understand a small amount of how you are feeling. I do feel stigmatised and sullied at times - the person who couldn't make it work, who will never be the same naive and blithe individual again. It doesn't mean your dp feels the same way.
I don't know what else to say other than that I really feel for you at the moment and wish there was something any of us could say that could banish these unsettling thoughts. But I know it's not that easy.
Can your dad still make Monday or Tuesday? Can you not just roll your roast over?

Bobbins · 24/06/2003 16:04

I love him very much, but time is not of the essence to him, but of course it is to me, being ten years older. I have always said I don't ever want to get married, I think it may be a silly stubbourness in me, and I sense the same trait in him with regard to children. I think he he is actually quite enamoured of the idea marriage, perhaps not with me? It just doesn't fit comfortanly with me. He has recently been to visit his family in Portugal and he brought a video home of his brothers wedding, the first pictures I have ever really seen of his family.

I am more than a bit confused.

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Bobbins · 24/06/2003 16:06

Marina...just read your post...welling up big time..thanks for understanding..

Yes I suppose we could rollover the roast it's hard to find a new routine xxx

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Bobbins · 24/06/2003 16:08

Rhuby....thanks too...bollox to my epiphany. Glad to have Mumsnetters reassurance!!

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outofpractice · 24/06/2003 16:13

Bobbins! Just remember that you are having a bad afternoon which is obvious from your posts. I bet you will feel better tomorrow. I am in the same situation and have been told to my face more than once by rubbish dates that actually they were really looking for a virgin or someone who had never had a child, ie could fake to be virgin! Some men are like that, but I do know that there are lots of nice men who don't think like that. Just keep telling yourself that being a mother, raising a baby that is healthy and still alive and kicking, and knowing how to run a household, are all good skills which will be attractive to the right person. I do believe that loving and kind people find it easy to love all children and that a man who suits you will love your first child just as much as any subsequent children. There is nothing wrong with you and your womb is fab! If he does not want to have children, then I think he is a bit funny (being very broody and finding it impossible to understand childless people myself) but anyway, it sounds like he wants different things from what you want. I get irritated that there are never any fairytales about stepfamilies, so we are left feeling in limbo or "soiled" but now I have found some US children's books about it and ordered them all. Why shouldn't my ds (and me!) have some fairytale fantasies too, instead of all the virginal teenage fairytale heroines? I bet if you have time to search on Amazon you will find some US self-help guide about how you are feeling. The Americans seem much more modern in their attitudes to these things.

Bobbins · 24/06/2003 16:20

Marina...."naive and blithe individual again" are spot on, that is exactly how I feel far too often. I feel like shouting "I have had the most amazing expreiences" as I think any mother does at some points, unfortunately I have no little one to testify this evidene. It is a big feminine hole.

I really hope your pregnancy is going well honey, and sorry if I haven't congratulated you previously!

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Bobbins · 24/06/2003 16:25

outofpractice> Thank you so much for your encouragement. I know you are going to feel a bit bad when I tell you, but my only son died of meningitis at 10 months. I don't like to sound repetitiive, so I didn't mention it at the beginning as I know I have banged on about it on here muchly.I really appreciate your message though, and wish you luck in finding someone who respects all those things.

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outofpractice · 24/06/2003 16:27

Oh Bobbins, I am so terribly sorry for insensitive post. I am always mixing up people's names and forgetting personal details, esp the people I have not met (and even them) because just posting intermittently from work. Don't know what to say, except that your womb is still fab and that someone who really values you will also be valuing all your experiences which made you into who you are now. xxx

Bobbins · 24/06/2003 16:29

All wombs are pretty fab oop

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Bobbins · 24/06/2003 16:30

Where would we be without them?

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aloha · 24/06/2003 16:31

Bobbins, lots of women with children find someone else to love them and have children with them - look at Ulrika! The right man for you will love you for all your experiences - I know this sounds trite but I honestly believe it to be true. I often think of you and Harvey. You sound amazing. You have overcome so much and you truly deserve to be happy with the right person. What can I say? I just wish you all the happiness in the world.

Bobbins · 24/06/2003 16:37

ola aloha> thanks for the support.

I think I have actually found a bit of a treasure in this man, he is very fine and upstanding but funnily enough also a lot of fun IYKWIM (wink, wink). I just wish I was more his age, I should talk to him more about the baby issue, but I know I have already scared him heap loads.

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aloha · 24/06/2003 16:38

why does he say he doesn't want children anyway? Just too young or what?

aloha · 24/06/2003 16:40

oops, posts crossed. Sorry. I'm glad you are having fun with him. Ye gods, you deserve it. You also deserve to have another baby. You sound like the greatest mum.

Bobbins · 24/06/2003 16:45

I think I have a bee in my bonnet about children. I am so aware of the whole process, that it is bound to put any but the most blithe young man off. I have made him very aware of my desire from the outset, probbably a mistake. I wanted to be upfront and honest.

If neither of the partners have ever been parents before the issues are more vague, and procreation rears it's lovely head more "naturally", perhaps "accidentally" and definitely more surprisingly! But I have big ideas about what I want and when I want it....poor chap.

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Bobbins · 24/06/2003 16:48

I WAS the like a butterfly sting like a bee! I'm afraid you are putting rose tinted spectacles on me aloha!.

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