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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have f*cked everything up and i am scared and i dont know what to do or how to live

66 replies

Shufflingroundthesides · 15/03/2010 00:27

I told dp tonight that i am not happy in our 'relationship'We have become more like brother/sister.We dont even share a bed because he snores so bad,we have no intimacy(i have no sex drive at all)He is my best friend ,he is a wonderful father to our 2 dc.He is the only person who can make me laugh.I am only ever myself with him,he is caring and patient ,understanding.....i could go on.I am terrified tbh and have cried all day.I have to go to work tomorrow and act like nothing is wrong(i dont get sick pay and cant afford not to go)
My whole life is one big fuck up.I have no friends ,i am lonely,i am full of self hatred,chronically depressed(have tried meds and they dont work)Councelling a waste of time.They only ever give me 6 sessions then get rid of me.
My whole life is one big regret
I even feel i have no personality anymore.
I have no money and nowhere i can go
I dont want to hurt dp or the dc but i wont live a lie.If anything i am honest.
Please can anyone help me?
I dont know what to do

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/03/2010 00:31

Take heart: your life isn't one big fuck up.

Mine is.

And I've got three little kids into the bargain.

I should be a fucking public service announcement and warning, fgs.

What can I do?

I have no fucking idea.

I'm up at 12.30 because of that.

Original poster
Shufflingroundthesides · 15/03/2010 00:32

Sorry Expat

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/03/2010 00:33

Don't be, it's all my fault.

Better the devil you know, are my words of wisdom.

Original poster
Shufflingroundthesides · 15/03/2010 00:35

My youngest is 4 and i am only just daring to hope that we have turned a corner with her behaviour and then this.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/03/2010 00:36

Oh come on you two!!!

Little steps and changes I guess?

I'm a lone parent to 5 and feel I fail them every day!

I know I need to find 'me' again. And I will.

Original poster
Shufflingroundthesides · 15/03/2010 00:36

you see i think that sometimes
better the devil you know etc
but sometimes i think we dp and i deserve more from a relationship than companionship.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/03/2010 00:39

depends.

i'm nearly 40, and at this point, the devil i don't know is getting a bit much to take, tbh.

never black and white, i guess.

Molesworth · 15/03/2010 00:40

I dunno, companionship shouldn't be underrated, especially when you're feeling as low as you are right now OP.

What brought this on? I mean, it sounds like you get on pretty well. Did he react very badly when you said you weren't happy? Is he happy with things as they are?

thumbwitch · 15/03/2010 00:42

what else is it that you want? The magic, the excitement, the uncertainty, the great sex that could still tail off? I'd take kind, understanding, best friend, loving companionship over the uncertainty any day - but that's me. What do you think you are missing that is so important? Once you identify it, can you do something to try and retrieve/recreate/achieve it? How does your DP feel about it - is he happy with things or does he also think something is missing?

expatinscotland · 15/03/2010 00:43

Moles and thumb pretty much said it.

Original poster
Shufflingroundthesides · 15/03/2010 00:44

He just said "well you obviously have made your mind up" He said he was happy the majority of the time.
I dont know why it came about today .I know i dont feel fullfilled in the relationship.I want to be head over heels.For ages i have felt this way but have qusetioned whether it is the depression talking or the depression being a symtom of the relationship iykwim.
We have both had a week off work and it had been good

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 15/03/2010 00:48

...but scared about being beaten with a large newspaper!..

Molesworth · 15/03/2010 00:49

The head over heels thing is a temporary madness. You could spend your whole life going from one relationship to another chasing that feeling. Which would be pretty miserable too.

Sounds like a complicated situation though. Depression is a tough thing to deal with and it sounds like you're longing for escape from the depression rather than from the relationship necessarily.

thumbwitch · 15/03/2010 00:50

thanks expat - sorry you're feeling so low yourself there.

OP - have just re-read your post and realised that you're talking through the black fog of depression. Counselling and meds don't work - what else have you tried? Exercise can sometimes help, depending on the source of the depression. Changing your diet can sometimes help if you are not getting enough of the right nutrients - maybe start by taking a multivitamin/mineral supplement if you're unsure. My Dad was in a Black Hole for a while (quite understandable as my Mum had died not that long previously) and taking a multivit/min and fish oil supplement really helped him - he even phoned me to tell me how much better he felt after about a week on them!

If those ideas don't work/appeal then consider finding yourself a hobby for you - do you like singing? Join a choir or something, maybe - or take up some kind of art - painting, poetry, pottery, needlework, sculpture. Or learn car mechanics or something.

Molesworth · 15/03/2010 00:53

Sorry, I meant to say that I'm sorry you're having a shit time too expat

Mumcentreplus · 15/03/2010 00:56

Oh to hell with it!

Original poster
Shufflingroundthesides · 15/03/2010 00:57

I feel like i am on self destruct ,my head is a muddle.
I recently started taking a multivit (last week)as i dont eat any meat or fish.
Exercise does help sometimes but i have been depressed for so long (since i was 16).I met dp when i was nearly 17 .I left home to live with him not long after.I suppose he was my salvation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shufflingroundthesides · 15/03/2010 00:57

thanks mumcentreplus

OP posts:
Original poster
Shufflingroundthesides · 15/03/2010 00:58

My eyes are so swollen from crying i will have to try and hide that in the morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shufflingroundthesides · 15/03/2010 01:01

can hardly keep my eyes open now
at least sleep will bring peace

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 15/03/2010 01:04

Put some frozen peas/ice on them when you get up it helps...its good you are speaking about it even if it's just online...and you have support..from us and I'm sure your DH too he sounds like a loving/caring man..he's your best-friend be honest with him and ask for what you need to make you feel better...

Mumcentreplus · 15/03/2010 01:05

get some rest x

Molesworth · 15/03/2010 01:11

You poor thing, I hope you can get some sleep tonight. I hesitate to trot out a load of platitudes because I doubt they'd be helpful even if they are true. Really, your life isn't one big fuck up. I hope things don't seem so bleak tomorrow. I've also struggled with depression all of my adult life so you do have my sympathy. It's very tough.

nannynick · 15/03/2010 01:22

"He is the only person who can make me laugh.
I am only ever myself with him,
he is caring and patient ,understanding.....i could go on."

Those are all positive things. At least you do have some positives. While DH may be more of a companion at the moment, things may change or they may not.

Could be worse, you could have no companion.

I'm sat on my own, at 1:18am looking at a bottle of wine thinking shall I drink that, or shall I go to bed. I don't have to get up in the morning, only have the excitement of returning a library book to do tomorrow - I could renew it online instead to save the trip to the library, though I don't really want to keep the book longer.
I'd love a companion.

So, your life isn't one big fuck up. You have already written some positives and I bet you can think of more.

thumbwitch · 15/03/2010 01:34

OP - for when you wake up - are you a strict vegetarian then? Or do you eat eggs and cheese? You need to make sure the levels of iron and zinc are adequate in your diet as deficits in both of these can contribute to depression. You can easily have your iron levels checked by your GP, less easily get the zinc checked. You say you have no libido (another possible result of low zinc status) - what is your appetite like generally? Low zinc can adversely affect your appetite which then becomes a bit of a knock on effect (don't eat enough, don't get enough zinc, have less appetite and so on). DO you have acid reflux at all? Another possibility.

Depression for no obvious reason is sometimes biochemical - and sometimes this can be as a result of lack of specific nutrients - so it's a good avenue to explore. Even if it still doesn't work for you, you'll be healthier