I have f*cked everything up and i am scared and i dont know what to do or how to live

[Shufflingroundthesides]

I told dp tonight that i am not happy in our 'relationship'We have become more like brother/sister.We dont even share a bed because he snores so bad,we have no intimacy(i have no sex drive at all)He is my best friend ,he is a wonderful father to our 2 dc.He is the only person who can make me laugh.I am only ever myself with him,he is caring and patient ,understanding.....i could go on.I am terrified tbh and have cried all day.I have to go to work tomorrow and act like nothing is wrong(i dont get sick pay and cant afford not to go)
My whole life is one big fuck up.I have no friends ,i am lonely,i am full of self hatred,chronically depressed(have tried meds and they dont work)Councelling a waste of time.They only ever give me 6 sessions then get rid of me.
My whole life is one big regret
I even feel i have no personality anymore.
I have no money and nowhere i can go
I dont want to hurt dp or the dc but i wont live a lie.If anything i am honest.
Please can anyone help me?
I dont know what to do

You may be deficient in B vitamins and is worth investing in a high strength multi vit and a high strength B complex. Many of the processes in our brains need B vits and we can become depressed without them.
Take a look at 'comming up from down' by pricilla slagle. It explains it all.

Hi
Feeling a bit more positive today thanks for looking in on me Molesworth.Will ask for the thyroid test but may take me a while to get an appoinment.Have to get dd down there first as she has a persisitant cough.

ike1-I cant remember if i have tried that tbh.Off the top of my head i have tried Seroxat,Sertaline,Venlafaxine...

Stayinbed-Thanks that was a positive post
and made sense.

Topsi-That is interesting re the vit B will look into it thanks

Dp said he was going to make a Gp appoinment as last night it was so bad i could hear him from upstairs and had to come down and wake him up.Would be a help if we could at least get this sorted.

Someone at the school said hi today and spoke to me for a few mins which made me feel good so thats something positive.

Hello,
sorry you are feeling so bad. I can't offer any more advice on how you can make yourself better, but I can offer a snoring tip! My mum snores v v badly (dad often has to sleep downstairs) but has found those nasal strips (plasters, like you see footballers wearing sometimes) really help her. Its about the only thing that does! They are not too uncomfortable, and easily available from a chemist or Boots. He could try them tonight - for my mum they worked straight away.
My Dh also snores badly, made worse when he is a little overweight, been drinking, or just generally not exercising. The strips help every time.

Good luck

Thanks Peona
I will try and get some of those.
Dp has actually made a Gp appointment for fri which is a first.I wonder if those strips would be cheaper on prescription or not?

Good luck with it all Shuffling.

There is an operation that can help with snoring, maybe you should push for and ENT referal. It must be awful for you.

It should not be a big deal for your GP to get you a thyroid test, do ask for one and ask for your B12 blood level to be checked at the same time and your blood count to check for anemia. Many vegetarians are deficient in B12 and if you were suffering from depression already, you could have got worse.

Sorry to hear about the problem with fishoils, I take Nature's Best make and have had no repeating at all.

As for DH - lots of useful stuff over at britishsnoring.co.uk - first thing you need to establish is if he is a mouth snorer or a nose snorer.

As for therapy - have you googled your local mental health trust and seen what's there? Many do offer psychotherapy but with really long waiting lists. Some of them offer group self help classes which sound daunting but can actually be a way to find some supportive friends.

hi shuffling I am in a "relationship" where my dh constantly complains and criticises and rarely says anything nice to me - we sleep together about once a month (also don't share a bed) and ironically that is always very nice but because he is so unaffectionate the rest of the time, it kind of nullifies it in my mind. I think friendship in a relationship is very important and you are very lucky to have that. I too think the romance can come back whereas once the friendship/respect has gone that is much more difficult to retrieve. I too crave the excitement of a new relationship or just to feel important and attractive to someone other than in my function as the mother of their children or the person who "hasn't done" a b or c. However it sounds like you are important to your dh and could you bear to lose the companionship? I hope you manage to sort through your depressed feelings - I haven't read all the postings but have seen that people have come up with lots of suggestions. I don't know if anybody has suggested yoga but I think that is a deeply satisfying and peace bringing kind of exercise which might help. I wish you all the best.

arabella2-Thankyou for your post
I am sorry you are also unhappy.I pray that we both find a solution.

Dp went to the Gp today about his snoring.The Gp gave him a nasal spray to try first and said to try that and then go from there,He talked about some kind of deviceto align the jaw ? not sure what that is? he also mentioned the op.At least he took dp seriously which is good.
Things between dp and i have been much better this week and i can kind of lift my head through the fog of depression long enough to see a relationship worth fighting for.However when i am low it is a different story.
I have many personal issues to resolve although im am not sure how i will do it or where to start.At least i can realise that i am part of the problem.
Dillie or anyone with any experience of hypnotherapy could you tell me anymore about the process ?and any idea of cost?(not cheap i imagine)
I am going to make a Gp appointment for in a couple of weeks to coincide with my repeat smear.So will ask for the thyroid test then.
Thanks to everyone who has posted and for your support.It helps to know that people care.

Had another 'episode' today
Something made me very very angry and i cant cope when i get angry.things snowball and then i go off on one.Told him i cant wait to die and may as well jump off bridge nearby.
dd put her hands over her ears
In the end i went to lie in bed because i felt so ill with stress.Drained and dizzy and palpitations.
I tried to get Gp appointment and as usual there is none.Is like banging head on wall.I have no contaceptive pill left(on it for periods)They wont give me anymore til i have BP done.Need smear doing by GP as they cant get one from me(insufficient cells about 4 times)And Gp wanted to examine me due to irregular bleeds(hence pill)I called on monday for appointment next monday (gp only there then)and was told to call today.Called today and nothing.No chance of getting thyroid tested now.

Oh shuffling. Just found this thread and I feel very for you.

You must persevere in getting medical help for what you're going through. Whilst I understand you'd prefer to see your familiar GP, you'd nonetheless better settle for another one. You never know, you might get a fresh perspective and new ideas to try.

It's vital not only for you, but also for your DD (how old is she?) who's twigged something's up, and your DH who, I agree, sounds like he is actually a big plus in your life. Try to stop hankering after the idealised hearts and flowers Hollywood movie life, and accept that loving friendship and companionship is about the best thing for you right now. It's good that you have that underpinning your relationship because that, more than lust and frequent shags, is what gets you through the hard times.

Am thinking of you...

Could it be hormonal? Your moods, depression, periods.
I would definetly explore this with your gp, hormones are a complete fucker when they're even a little bit out of whack.
Agree your dp is definetly a positive, but please understand the way you are feeling is not your or his fault, but may have a physical underlying problem.

Clam -my youngest is just 4
I dont trust doctors easily so to have one that it trust is important.Dont feel strong enough to fight for an appointment now.

lilacclaire-I dont know i suggested to Gp but she wouldnt test hormones said there was no point as it would only show if i was pre or post menopausal.

My head hurts from earlier ,i sat punching it because i didnt know what else to do.

Please don't lose hope, there are so many people here who care about how you're feeling and how your life is going.

There are many words of wisdom here. I know for me, hormones are are a killer.

Please please reach out to someone near you right now. The idea that your head hurts because you punched it is heartbreaking.

I've been there, and been despairing and alone.

I used to ring The Samaritans, just so someone would say "good-night" to me. They were brilliant by the way.

Please don't give up. Am sending you all the positive wishes I can ...

Thanks Oliviacrumble
Feeling brighter today but very tired also
And so the cycle goes on......

Shuffling - so sorry that you're not getting the support you need from the medical services. Can you not get an emergency appointment and sit in the office until someone agrees to test your thyroid function?

I can't think what else to suggest at the moment - hypnotherapy if you pay for it yourself can be quite expensive, varies according to what it's for IME.