I have f*cked everything up and i am scared and i dont know what to do or how to live

[Shufflingroundthesides]

I told dp tonight that i am not happy in our 'relationship'We have become more like brother/sister.We dont even share a bed because he snores so bad,we have no intimacy(i have no sex drive at all)He is my best friend ,he is a wonderful father to our 2 dc.He is the only person who can make me laugh.I am only ever myself with him,he is caring and patient ,understanding.....i could go on.I am terrified tbh and have cried all day.I have to go to work tomorrow and act like nothing is wrong(i dont get sick pay and cant afford not to go)
My whole life is one big fuck up.I have no friends ,i am lonely,i am full of self hatred,chronically depressed(have tried meds and they dont work)Councelling a waste of time.They only ever give me 6 sessions then get rid of me.
My whole life is one big regret
I even feel i have no personality anymore.
I have no money and nowhere i can go
I dont want to hurt dp or the dc but i wont live a lie.If anything i am honest.
Please can anyone help me?
I dont know what to do

Longterm counselling can help - you say the problem is they stop at 6 sessions, which is an NHS thing. Mind offer sliding-scale counselling, I think, as do other organisations, or counsellors, if cost is a what's stopping you get private counselling.

Thanks for the posts

Thumbwitch-I do eat eggs and cheese yes.Have never considered that low zinc could be contributing to the depression.The gp always implys that it must be the depression affecting my libido.

My eyes are so swollen today.I have been sitting with one of the dc fruit pastille ice lollies on them.I have to go to work at 4pm so trying to get them down before i begin my oscar winning happy act.
Feeling numb about it all today.Head still all over the place.

Nannynick-Sorry you sound very low too.And you are right i know about the positives.There are so many but it is this lack of intimacy that makes me feel incomplete.Despite having no libido it just feels wrong.

I texted dp this morning to say sorry for fecking everything up and that he deserves much more.I said that i wanted our relationship to be true to both of us and not end up resentful.
He will be home from work in an hour or so.

thumbwitch- I forgot in response to your questions.My appetite is too good ,hence i binge a lot.

Being the DH person in your relationship atm, I feel for you both so much

Your depression is a huge thing here imo. "have no friends ,i am lonely,i am full of self hatred,chronically depressed" - look at that. Is it any wonder that you can't feel desperately in love right now?

I have no real advice, but I truly feel that if you can sort the depression etc, then the relationship will seem more right.

How long have you been vegetarian for? Your depression could so easily be related to your diet. Have to drop DS off at nursery now but will post again later.

I have never eaten much meat but used to love fish.I have only been vegetarian for about 5 years.But i have been depressed for much longer than that.

Shuffling,
You said "Councelling a waste of time.They only ever give me 6 sessions then get rid of me."

Does this mean you have done CBT? If you have chronic long-term depression (sounds like it if you have been depressed since you were 16) then CBT is like a small plaster on a gaping wound.

Please please pester your GP for more in-depth and long-term help, like CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) or psychotherapy, and a thyroid function test to rule that out as it can cause similar symptoms to depression.

Try and get in touch with MIND or SANE in your area to see if they can help. Google CAT and see if there are any practitioners in your area. Some will give discounts for those who are not well-off.

It's a real fight to get help and get well, but don't give up. It will be the best thing you ever do.

I dont think you should be making such a big decision when you are feeling really low. I second going back to the doctor.

It seems that both of you - S and expat - are talking about someone other than your dh's Apologies if wrong.

Are the highs really worth the lows?

Depression is a bloody awful disease and it can take a very long time to find a way of living with it.

I have done cbt in the past and found it useless but somehow i have agreed to be referred for in depth cbt treatment.I have never been offered anything else by the psychologist .There is a long waiting list anyway but cant see further cbt doing anything.
As you say Eldritchcleaver it is a small plaster on a gaping wound.
I have often wondered about my thyroid and have hinted at the doctors but it has never been checked.

not sure what you mean fab?

hmm, you might need to be a bit more forceful with your GP, shuffling!

How is your DP this morning? Is he leaving you to it or trying to help?

I am clearly wrong then, shuffling. Sorry.

Dp has been at work since 5 this morning but is due home soon.Not sure what he will be like tbh.His usual response is to bury his head and pretend theres nothing wrong.

Also, binge eating isn't usually about physical hunger so much as emotional hunger - so you could still have low zinc and eat loads, you're not necessarily eating because you have a good appetite!

Anyway - if you're not already taking a multivit/min, I do think it would be a good starting place, plus some fish oils as well (vegetable versions really aren't as good, the body has to work much harder to make the fatty acids in them long enough to use and if any of the biochemical conversion pathways are under-nourished or malfunctioning for whatever reason then they won't have any effect)

Have you tried Hypnotherapy?

Worked well for me. I still have off days, as we all do, but it may well be worth looking at.

I had regression therapy, where I was "shown" where a certain belief came from, like I am lonely, I am useless etc.

With a little positive teaching and understanding the way you feel and why you feel the way you do it can really help. Sort of takes the fear out of it iyswim.

Also make sure you are taking enough B vits espec B6 or B complex. Takes a while to get into your system so dont expect miricales.

One word of advice I would give .. when your feeling like this, get away from the situation, clear your head then tackle it head on. One thing at a time op x

I tried taking fishoils before but my stomach swelled up and i felt sick and all i kept repeating on me was fish.So i vowed never to take it again.
I will perservere with the multivits though.

Dillie -I have considered hypnotherapy but i am scared it will screw me up further by messing with my thoughts so to speak.

dp home now.be back on tonight.
Thanks

goodness, that's an interesting response to the fishoils! I know the repeating is a pain - there is a brand that doesn't do that but I couldn't guarantee they wouldn't make your stomach swell up! The brand is PharmaNord, available from H&B and amazon apparently! Not the cheapest but you get what you pay for. Anyway, up to you - but they won't repeat on you if you take them with food.

OK, please just demand a thyroid function test from your GP. If you get no joy, try going to another doctor. I would also tell the GP you want to try something other than CBT and if you are refused, ask why and say you want the refusal in writing. You can then take it further with the practice or your health authority. They have committees which decide applications for treatments which the Primary Care Trust does not usually fund so you could try going to them to get therapy other than CBT.

I know it's a lot to suggest you do when you are feeling rotten, but depression is a serious illness and you deserve appropriate treatment. If you had a broken leg or cancer it wouldn't be acceptable for them to fob you off, so there is no reason why you should put up with it just because your illness (probably) isn't physical.

when i feel stronger i will try and approach my gp.She is very sympathetic but it is a struggle to even get an appoinment with her as she only works 1 full day in the practice.
I could change Gp's but she knows my history etc and i trust her.Which isnt easy for me.I need to see her for a smear test as they keep coming back inadequate cells.
I always have to wait longer for any councelling or cbt because i go out of area as i refuse to attend my local hospital.(very sad and valid reasons for this)

Well dp came home and just said we dont need to rush into anything.He didnt think i should go to work but i had to for the money.We havent talked about it since i got home .There is just a friendly undertone to everything.We will talk but prob later.

Hello shuffling, I was wondering how your day has been today - glad to hear that things are a little bit calmer and that your DP is being OK. I'm also glad to hear you have a sympathetic GP and hope you can get an appointment to see her and ask about the thyroid test (it's only a simple blood test so I can't understand why this hasn't been done when you've asked about it before tbh). One of the things about depression is that it's difficult to ask for proper help, let alone push for it when you feel so empty and worthless. Having a good GP who takes the condition seriously makes this somewhat easier, but even then it can be extremely difficult to put how you feel and what you want into words when you're in the grip of depression.

Just asking, but have you tried citalopram? This is an AD but oh, my god! What a revelation it has been for me. My husband left me but in the process I have discovered this.

calling what you have left of your relationship 'companionship' sounds like a lifeline. it means there is so much there to work with. bringing the sex drive or the romance back can definately happen, with time and a little steps of effort.

you could definately be worse off, like the couples who have great sex drives and little to talk about, who end up with nothing to salvage.

i often feel very lonely it can't be helped, most of us have more virtual friends than real ones these days, so don't worry about that, you're one of many there.

good luck with everything