I'm coming to the conclusion that i am insane

[fairyfly]

I cannot handle relationships, they make me behave erratically and strange. I am stressed , worried, over analytical and vague. It starts with a complete panic that i am going to get shat on and then i go all cold and refuse to speak to him. I sent a text last night saying i wanted a break. I lay in bed obsessing that i could do better and no way was i ever going to get taken for granted again and completely behaved over the top. Then i woke up and thought to myself calm down, stop worrying and enjoy yourself. I think i may be one of these people that is just better alone as i am so effected by the relationships i find myself in. When im single i feel like i am on a more even keel and don't get so controlled by my mental mood swings.
Going out with someone when they are not your childrens father is harder than i thought. I feel knackered as if i am spreading myself all over the place and trying to be a million different roles for different people.
Boyf has just rang and asked if i am ok as he has no idea what is going on with me and is confused, hes not the only one.
I'll be fine later and completely in love again, then i will go through the entire panic process one more time. Is this what it is like meeting someone and i have forgotten? Or do i need a special hospital.
I have no idea why i'm even writing this down on here as i will just get called a nutter by people i know. But i feel sad and scared in real life and constantly as if i am always one step behind on the grown up scale. I just want an easy life, marriage, babies, job. But i fuck it up constantly because i'm not normal ( and i know im not)

You'd be able to sort all this out if you had some psychotherapy. It's not that you're not normal - you're damaged by the ill-treatment you've received in the past and it has altered your perception. If you don't get it sorted you'll be like this always and never be able to enjoy a relationship properly. Get thee to a psychotherapist, girl! You might get a few sessions on the NHS if you ask your doctor.

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Normal is boring, ff. You've been through shedloads of grief when it comes to men and that will make it hard to just slip into an easy, fun, uncomplicated relationship, I'd have thought. Are there people you can talk to face to face about this? Friend? Counsellor?

sorry but this sounds normal to me

FF, no you're not normal, that's what makes you such a fun, lovely and very kind person. It is bloody hard being in any relationship, complicate with twats for exes, two small children and numerous other "issues" and it's incredibly hard. You'll be having a break from him next week, try to have a nice time until then, then we can get very drunk, send him numerous ridiculous texts and pester him with drunken phone calls asking if he really, really, really loves you about 3 in the morning. The matter will probably be taken out of your hands.....

Psychotherapy just sounds like more heaviness to me. I just want to get away from any sort of intensity.
I've had enough of professionals to last a lifetime.

Rickman they are my thoughts, perhpa sim not ready and perhaps to have doubts means its not right.

But surely everyone panics at first, or do they just fall into perfect realtinships where they behave like normal human beings.

I honestly have no idea what im doing, thats how i feel. Like i need to have classes in how to go out with a man.

What? You coming down fairyfly? Got time to come and see me?

I've been married to one of them for five years, and I still don't know what I'm doing half the time.

Anorak it would have to be another time as we are going away camping, but i promise i will at some point.

Will try and have a nice time till then sykes, i am just coming out of the honeymoon period and starting to see it may be quite serious and then not wanting to give it away again.

That actually sounds quite ok to me and why the hell not be worried.

Because you're worrying when nothing particular has happened at the time you're worrying.

That's why I think your worries stem from past experience, not what bf is doing now.

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it's OK rickman, this seems to be perfectly normal to me too! oh dear, maybe it's us ...

Good, FF, have a nice time - it is getting a bit more serious and there is still the issue of the Harry Potter book.

Who is normal, anyway?

And rickman, you will find someone else. You're lovely, why shouldn't you?

My sister has just asked if i have bright red lipstick on, a green linen dress, lots of beads, no shoes on and have i made 50 apple pies and hidden them round the house

I think something has happened anorak, i think i am starting to trust a man again and cacking myself.

well the pies are certainly NOT normal

er... why did you hide the pies around the house?
Can I come eat some?
As long as they don't have any dried fruit in them to decay my teeth, you understand?

[Guess who skipped breakfast this morning....]

I think anyone with your history would have some issues with "trusting" men. Becoming emotionally attached to anyone is hard enough, but must be diabolically difficult if you've a bastard in your past.

I haven't hidden pies around the house

But your sister thinks it would be "normal" if you did?

FF I'd say it was pretty normal too. I am very sane and very sensible and in control and my life is very 'sorted' and yet for ages if I got into a relationship I turned into this mad woman I didn't recognise! It used to really annoy me and I began to think that I was just not suited to relationships and that my life was so great in all other ways that I should just stop even trying to be in one and accept that it was my lot to live my life alone. I was happier with myself when I was single, never cried or got particularly stressed etc etc - exactly as you posted.

But then I met my bf 9 months ago and it's all been just so incredibly easy. He has NEVER made me cry, not once (so far) and that in itself is amazing. He's just kind and thoughtful and sweet and loves me to bits which is just amazing to me. With him I can be the person I am normally, the calm, normal me I like. If things aren't right I tell him and we talk about it, he doesn't fly off the handle so I end up apologising like I always have done in the past. It's taken some getting used to but Rickman was right - when it's the right person you don't have all that stress. It jut falls into place and my life is incredibly enhanced by having him. I always thought a relationship would be more hassle than anything else - taking time away from my dds, fitting in with someone else's social life when i could hardly be bothered going out at all! But it's all been great and I hardly even watch TV now and that was my life before and I really loved it! But I don't miss it now.

But I was single for 4.5 years and I think I needed that time to get my head together, like being on my own (I had ALWAYS had some bf or romantic interest on the go since I was about 14!!) etc. It did me the world of good. I did have flings in that time but they ended up making me feel even more than I should be on my own because it was so HARD with kids etc.

So maybe the time is not right for you, or he's not right for you. But whatever you decide to do you sound dead normal for the old me. I'm living proof that there's hope for everyone! I was a lost cause and now I'm thinking wedding dresses .

Well I think you should trust bf ff. He seems very guileless to me. They all have the potential to be gits but you have to take some risk. I think the risk is low.

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maybe I should just find out where your sister lives and go eat all her pies....

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