advice needed

[notabused]

ok.. deep breath.. I need advice please.

Things now do good with DH for a while. Things are stressful in our lives - unemployment, money worries - and we argue.

We have two DC at infant/ junior school.

Everyone who knows DH would say he is an especially gentle, placid, easy going man. They would say he is determined too when they really know him and its about something he really wants. I don't know what they would say about me, but not those things.

He loves our children and I think he loves me.

This evening things came to a head.

There is a small level of violence but mostly he is in denial over it. The worst thing is what he does to the children. he tells them horrible things to hurt me through them. "I am so sorry that you've got such a terrible Mummy" is a common example. Tonight it was "fat cow", "bitch", "she doesn't love me" (I do) and "she makes me want to commit suicide" amongst other things I can't remember now. They also were there when he told me that he was going to take the children away from me. (they weren't even in the room where we were arguing - he called them in and then said it).

I hate it when he hurts the children like this but he has done it several times now, so its not a one-off accident.

Afterwards he is in denial .. he thinks the children have put like or no weight by what they heard, saw and had said to them. But DC1 was crying and I found both of them hiding under the covers in their beds immediately afterwards. I was just starting to try to help them when DH came in. I left him to it because if he was willing, a retraction would be more effective from him than me saying "Daddy didn't mean it". I think he did try to make it better but I know that he doesn't think it was especially harmful in the first place "unless put ideas in their heads".

WE've hardly spoken since. I went to bed at the same time as the DC, which is partly why i am awake now.

I really do not know what to do or where to turn for help. If I tell people we know in RL, it will be the end of our marriage. But my DC mean the world to me and I need to protect them. We've given them good lives so far and they are well brought up... good manners, doing well at school, nice young children. Money worries are a new thing in the family (our business failed in the recession) so we still live well although that is about to end as our savings are nearly gone. Why does DH have to try to do this to them?? He loves them too. They are the one truly good thing we have left!

I'm rambling. Please tell me.. is there a help line number I can call? Someone who can give me advice about what to do?

I was pleading with him not to call them in and say those things tonight. I knew as soon as he started calling them what he was going to do. I wish I'd had my head together enough to think to shout to them to run away but I only thought of it later. I couldn't move because I thought he might hit me or something if I said or did anything and I did not want them to see it.

Also DH says I am not a victim, so don't pretend.

The violence tonight was that he pushed a little and had his hands around my throat. But he did not squeeze or anything. I don't know if the DC saw it. DH admits he did this, but he thinks its no big deal.

I say i love him, but I don't even vaguely like him on times like tonight.

Do you believe your own username? You are being abused.

You're living in fear of this man ("I couldn't move because I thought he might hit me"). He's violent towards you, he's emotionally abusing his children and you, this is deliberate and systematic. Calling them in deliberately to say those things? how awful.

Start Here. 0808 2000 247.

Please do ring them. This is not the way you or your poor children should have to live.

And it WILL escalate.

You are a victim of abuse, and so are your children.

Your abuser is right about one thing - you need to stop pretending and protect them from this very damaging situation.

Phone womens aid and leave your home - this is a really critical situation and you have to act. Relying on your H to change and do the right thing is not a solution to this problem and for the sake of your children you must do something. Please understand I have been where you are and know hard hard it is to go.

The key thing here is that your children are at risk. Yes he loves them but not quite enough to stop abusing their Mother and emotionally abusing them in the process. You also need to really think about the hands around the neck... really this is a big indicator as to how things are going to go. Good job you were concious enough to realise he wasn't squeezing - you might not be so aware next time.

If you won't leave for your own sake, then you really must do so for your childrens' sake.

My father used to regularly tell my brother and I things like, "say goodbye, you'll never see me again because I'm going to kill myself while you're at school" etc etc. I also recall countless times of hiding under the covers crying - just like your DC were. From the age of 4 I begged my mother to leave my father and take us away so we'd be safe. She never did.

Please - for the sake of you children, get out!

I completely support what every else is saying. This is abuse of you and your children and either he goes or you and the children do. Now. Don't delay, this is not going to get better by talking to him. Everyone else in your life needs to know, so stop the secrecy and protecting him from his violent and abusive behaviour. You and your children deserve better and of at any point in the future he is able to take responsibility and change he wil thank you for taking such decisive action. However, right now he is not able to change, he is dangerous, get away from him.

notabused was just something I picked when I was doing the name change before posting. My mind was blank for a new name and he had said it to me an hour earlier when I had asked him to go to counselling with me.

He said he would go and then a minute later he changed his mind. I can't remember why.. something to do with me... he was trying to goad me. I was trying to be calm and it was annoying him. I think he wants me to lose my temper so that he can justify his behaviour.

Funnily enough, he mentioned women's aid when he was trying to goad me.. he said that they would laugh at me.

I can't post again during the day. He will be home soon from the school run and he will be able to see what i am doing on the PC

It is running around in my head.. I want the best for my DC. If I leave then they will be heartbroken but they will still see him and he could still say these things when he had them. If I stay, it will happen again. They are very close to both of us. because we worked from home, they've been parented equally by us since they were very little.

Please don't be hard on me... I need to get through this and I am barely holding myself together. Actuually I am not managing to hold myself together. Saying he could throttle me only makes me cry.

They will not laugh at you please look at this

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

Please call Womens Aid.

If you truly want the best for your DCs you will act to get his malign prescence out of their day to day lives as well as yours. Violence like this is damaging you all and the longer you all remain within this dangerous situation the worse it will get for you.

I think he could well go on to kill you if you were to stay with him.

Womens Aid will NOT laugh at you at all; he only said that to keep you at his beck and call. All his behaviours towards you are abusive ones. Your children are being hurt by him as well as you.

What are they learning from the two of you about relationships?. Surely you would not want them to carry these damaging lessons with them into adulthood?.

BTW counselling will be of no benefit at all as no counsellor worth their salt will counsel the two of you together due to the ongoing violence within your relationship. Anger management won't help here either.

Abuse is about power and control; he wants both over you and does not care who he hurts in order to get it. He is a bully who cares not a jot for you or the children; he regards you as mere possessions.

notabused, please please get some help. This cannot be allowed to continue. He is emotionally abusing both you and your children with the things he is saying. This is very serious and very damaging. Womens aid will definitely not laugh at you. Speak to them, or speak to a gp, or a counsellor. Start writing down everything he says and everything he does so that you have an accurate record, otherwise he can try to persuade you it didn't happen.

I like your name if it's meant ironically.

Women's Aid would not laugh at you. What he is doing to you is bad enough but what he is doing to the children is awful, awful, awful. Somehow he has to realise this is NOT acceptable on any level - I don't think you can persuade him - he needs professional help, or maybe just a good kicking . Meanwhile, just because everything looks superficially good, don't try to fool yourself that it is. Just like your budget - everything looks fine on the surface but you know it's really heading for the rocks - the emotional situation contains hidden horrors. He's kidding himself if he doesn't believe what HE is doing is affecting them. And on one level, though obviously your intentions are absolutely the best, you are compounding their confusion by trying to gloss over something that they can see is wrong, by pretending to them and to yourself that it's ok when it so obviously isn't.

This will muck up their heads big time, for the rest of their lives. He must not keep on doing it.

Message withdrawn

leave him

Btw my previous post looks a bit unsympathetic perhaps. It wasn't meant to. Whatever you are like, whatever you have done, you do not deserve this kind of treatment. I just think that you wouldn't get out for yourself but you will find the strength for them, because you are a good parent. Their father is NOT a good parent because the things he says to them are monstrous, and the things he does to their mother are things that no child should ever have to see. Never mind how nice he is to you all in between times, and the stress you are all under is NO excuse.

Next time expect him to squeeze. The purpose of putting his hands round your neck and not squeezing is to prime you for the escalation of violence he's planning. Yes, planning. He sounds psychopathic to me.

Don't mean to upset you but you should be prepared is all.

Totally agree with junglist1, its all about what he can get away with, pushing the boundries everytime. He;s telling you no-one will belive you and will laugh at you to try and stop you from telling anyone.

i feel for you

i was in a relationshipr with an abusive man for a long time. he did things which i cant believe,and look back and think,what the hell was i doing with him for so long!

the violence will escalate....it really will. he will be feeling he got away with it this time......his only consequences to behaving this way was a request to attend counselling....there was no police,you're all still there,his family and friends dont know.....so he's got away with it

next time he can go just a bit further to keep you in line...

womens aid have heard it all before....they will NOT be laughing

nothing to lose by giving them a call have you? how are your dc? do you have someone in rl to rely on if necessary?

i needed help to escape,its not so easy when people just say 'leave'....you'll need some practical support

post back when you can and take care of yourself

I told my abuser I'd called Womensaid even when I hadn't. I told him they had taken notes on the situation and although i wouldn't call the police that time, I would next time. Strike while the irons hot, let him know that you know what he's doing. Don't let him have all the control here

Womens aid are brilliant. Call them please.

Look at your babies, do you want them to be in relationships like this one when they are big. You want better than that for them I know you do, because you want better for them right now.

I found that my nurse practitioner was an absolute star. She has given me the support and confidence to start to break free. Go to your surgery.

Like the women here, people know about this behaviour now, and it is completely and utterly unaccetable.

Keep posting here. It is such a massive source of strength.

xxx

Jesus christ Please please please call Women's Aid and get yourself and your precious babies out of there.

Listen to what all these people are saying to you, you can't live with that, get out..

call womens aid.
call lcoa police domestic violence unit.
next time (and there WILL be a next time) that he even vaguely threatens you, puts shands to your throat, CALL 999.

he will deny everything.. but bekleive me they willa hve seen it all before and know that if you ahve called it is not out of spite.

you need to talk to someone in real life, a friend, your GP, womens aid.

abusers dont abuse 24/7. they will always be "nice" and charming too.

he is out to destroy you and the children.

the chidren are suffering, you heard them crying, saw them cowering.

you and they have to get out...then with distance you can reassess.

make an escape plan, who can you go to, where can you stay? can you drive? do you have money?

he may be stressed, money worries - but that is HIS repsonsibility to sort out his feelings.

he has no right to threaten and intimidate you.

dont worry about the children - they will be fine if you get them away and protect them.

it is good you have documented this here - now call womens aid and go talk to someone in rl who can support you to get away from this man.

and dont protect him - teling dcs "daddy didnt mean it" is protecting him -

"daddy should not have said that" "daddy is behaving badly and we need to leave" .