Dating: How long can I expect a man to wait before sex?

[BEAUTlFUL]

H left in September. End of October, I met on Match and started emailing someone and we went on a first date beginning of November. Had a second date, then didn't see him again till January. We didn't even kiss!

Since Jan have been seeing him regularly, once or twice a week. he is funny and generous, but I'm worried he might be a bit of a Player as, I dunno, he seems the type. Anyway, I've told him that I'm not the type to rush into bed and he said he was fine with that. We have done some Rude Business but not shagged.

My instinct is just not to bonk him yet. I don't know if he'll just run away the minute I do. Plus, he only came out of an engagement last summer, and I'm out of a 7-year marriage, so it feels a bit early.

We get on SO well, and it's all lighthearted and fun. I rarely ring him, but he texts me a lot, posts messages on my FB page, etc.

Two dates ago, he actually asked outright if we could have sex the next time we saw each other! I saod, "Probably not," and later cancelled that date, not fancying an evening of wrestling on the sofa. Next time I saw him, he suggested we had (for the next date) a sleepover at his (which I declined).

Ugh. I don't know what to do, except meet him only in public places. I've explained that I feel it's too soon still, but he is mentioning it a LOT now. For example, "I want you all the time," "You do now I'm crazy about you and really want to sleep with you, don't you?" and the worst - "You make me happy. Come back o my place and I'll show you eactly how happy you make me."

I realise this makes him sound like an utter tit but the rest of the dates are great -- really funny, complimentary, and he always pays.

Help! I'd like to keep seeing him, but I really want him to back-off on the constant shag-badgering. What do I do?

Don't shag him beautiful, it'll mess with your head. You're not ready. Besides, being a sex pest isn't an attractive quality in a man.

Good luck x

It's not unreasonable for someone (male or female) to ask if sex is a possiblity after 15 dates. Well, among non-virginal adults, anyway - I do get what someone else was saying about how relationships shouldn't have to follow the same linear progression for everyone, but if you are dating someone you do want sex with, there comes a point where you have to try and clarify if the ideas you both have about what kind of relationship is happening are similar.
There is also the problem of wishful thinking to consider. Women (generally) are more prone to keep seeing a man who has explained in no uncertain terms that he is not monogamous, not interested in marrying them etc, in the hope he will change (because if he doesn't deep down luuurve me, why does he carry on seeing me) whereas men (generally) will think that a woman who has said she's not ready for sex but is still keen to date them will drop her knickers sooner or later (because if she doesn't deep down fancy me, why is she still dating me?).

There was a MN thread a while ago (maybe even a year or two ago) from a poster who had a new bloke who was wierd about shagging, would do some kissing etc but make excuses every time it looked like an actual shag might be possible. The poor OP was going nuts wondering if she had a smelly foof or repulsed him in some other way and what on earth the matter was.
Beautiful, if this man is constantly pressuring you for sex and you're not keen, then he's a knob and you don't fancy him, you have your answer, get rid.

sgb...I remember that poster

what happened in the end...did we ever find out ?

Of course don't do anything you don't want to do.

But I think you have sent him mixed messages with the rudeness and major rudeness on previous dates.

Perhaps he's not the guy for you? Too soon after your marriage ending maybe?

You mention the fact that you have not met any of his friends. As he's a net date and you know little about his life, seeing him with friends is important. I'd say to learn more about him. Have you introduced him to any friends/family?

You sound very passive - from thinking it's good that he pays to thinking it's his decision if he should not stay around once you have had sex.

Hope you don't mind me saying that it sounds like you could do with learning to get to know yourself better, your needs and wants and how to assert them before you get into another relationship where you might soon find yourself disempowered once more.

Hi, I usually get my men wrong, but as an outsider to your story, for what it's worth, it seems to me that you should not ignore your gut reaction that he is a player. Maybe that is putting you off him.

Do you fancy him?

Excuse me for asking - and I don't need an answer but would like to raise the question - is it possible that the actions of your ex have made you concentrate on sex as a boundary-marker of closeness/potential to be hurt in this relationship?

I think 15 dates is a lot before sex, and also I am not keen on the he pays for everything and decides the dates and leads the relationship and you act as GateKeeper Of The Sex dynamic, at all.

Tis very The Rules.

BUT. If you're cancelling dates because he's pressuring you, and you feel as if he's going on and on about it, and you aren't ready - well, don't shag him out of obligation! I think maybe he just doesn't know that you're feeling reluctant about it, so he's pressuring you but not deliberately.

Why not try talking about it? Telling him that he's lovely and you really like him, but you're not ready for sex yet?

Oh, and, pay for a date, would you?

Tricky one.

When I met my fiancé we waited for 3 weeks. That was the longest I had ever "made" anyone wait for sex before - I had always been ready to jump into bed with new bfs to "keep" them, but I often regretted DTD so soon, sometimes felt pressured and even sometimes felt dirty afterwards.

With this one, I knew I really liked him and I wanted it to be right and I didn't want to regret it afterwards as I had done with previous bfs. Also, towards the end of my relationship with my previous partner, for the last year or so I could barely bear for him to touch me and I didn't want that feeling with my new man.

So I waited till I knew I was ready. I didn't even kiss him till the third date. He never once pressured me - in fact I think when we eventually DTD he was more nervous than I was.

BUT - it felt right, it felt good and I didn't feel dirty afterwards. Since then it has been amazing. It did take us a while to learn each other and what each other likes.

One one hand, yes you should wait till you feel ready to have sex, but OTOH, I would be questioning why, at this point, you didn't feel like you knew him well enough to make that next step.

It's easy to say that he shouldn't be nagging you and should go at your pace, but if it were me, and my new man hadn't wanted to have sex with me after 15 dates I would be questioning what was wrong with me and I would be quite hurt.

Thanks all of you. I talked to him last night and told him that I wanted to wait till it felt right, and he was lovely about it. He also said he wants to be my boyfriend.

I try to pay - he doesn't let me. He says he likes paying. He says, "Put your money away." I have bought the odd drink, but to be honest, I like a man who's generous towards me and I'm not feeling in any way "obligated" to put out or do anything at all just because he spent a few quid. I was married to the world's stingiest man and it was a sign of how he really felt about me. I think men who like you like treating you to things. We're not talking holidays in the Bahamas or Tiffany bracelets, just the occasional (cheap) dinner.

And no, he's not rich and I'm not after his money.

So, I will continue to hold off until it feels Right. I feel happy with that decision. Thanks!

"If you have this ghastly idea that making a man wait for sex will make him 'commit' ditch it NOW, it's stupid, unethical and self-destructive to treat your fanjo as a bargaining counter."

Well as long as you allow him to pay for all your dates, then that is effectively what you're doing.

After that many dates you really should be paying for some of your outings (traditionally, the ones you suggest).

If you want an relationship of equals then "liking his generosity" and "expecting him to wait" need to go.

perhaps youre not really ready for a relationship? of course its always a 'risk', sleeping with someone, in terms of emotional attachment and investment, but maybe youre just not ready to take that risk. in which case, decide and let him know, so that he can move on.

Hi, Beautiful - I hadn't noticed this was your thread. As a veteran of your support thread for the recently dumped I may have a slightly different view on all this.

I had been dumped by OM not DH and came at things from a different angle, of sorting my life out at home. On the original thread there was a lot of frantic chat, which was very helpful to me, about dieting, becoming an amazing person, new jobs etc. and moving on. After a few weeks the zeitgeist seemed to move to the idea of finding a new man ( that is where I bowed out, as I was quite diligently trying to sort out life with the old one)

I felt at the time you were either an amazingly resilient bunch of women or perhaps hoping for too much too soon - well it would have been for me. After what happened to me in September I felt I'd need at least until April before I even began to start to understand my feelings and to know where my life was going. I just wonder whether your reluctance to sleep with your new man maybe ( and I mean this nicely) that when one comes out of one relationship feeling hurt, like falling off a horse, you feel it is quite important to get back in the saddle - preferably of a much more thoroughbred horse! So for those who are dumpees it is partly about the scenario as well as about the person. So, perhaps instinctively you feel you have what you are looking for - this wonderful, funny attentive man - and the rest of it may not be a benefit but just an added complication.

I have the handicap of always developing very strong feelings for anyone who gets inside my bedroom door - which isn't always a good thing. Anyway, at this late stage in the thread all I can say is just be honest with him and tell him exactly what you feel at all times, then you are likely to get honest responses back. Be kind to yourself, you have coped really well with getting through a difficult time and although in principle I'd say "go for it" if you think this might cause you more anguish give yourself a bit more time.

I don't see why he shouldn't pay if he wants.

Are we suggesting now that if we don't have sex with a man we should pay our own way now skidoodle?

I guess if you are having a lot of dates it's unfair to let him pay for it all but a gentleman will wait.

Why make it sound like some kind of fanjo transaction or commodity.

Just enjoy it for what it is and see how it goes.

Sounds to me like you are playing with him
This is why men drop seperated/ divorced/ women with children, hey?!

Why is it your instinct not to sleep with him? Don't you fancy him? If he's going to sod off the minute he gets in your knickers he's not worth worrying about anyway is he?

Oh and why is he paying for everything? I think that's a bit odd.

I would find a man who insisted on paying for everything controlling, I like an equal relationship.
If a bloke wasn't wanting to sleep with me after 15 dates I would decide he wasn't that into me and would probably look elsewhere.
I don't see sex as a big sign of committment though as beautiful does. To me having sex is just what you do when you both fancy each other. If the relationship breaks up a fortnight later then I wouldn't feel any worse than if we hadn't had sex, and if I fancied him would probably feel pleased that at least I'd got to shag him.
Moving in with someone is a sign of commitment, having sex is just a sign of mutual attraction.
I suspect you just don't fancy him as much as he fancies you.

I find it odd your waiting??? what the devil for?

SINCE WHEN did a man paying for dinner ENTITLE him to sex, or anything else?? I cannot believe that WOMEN are perpetuating that idea.

Agree with poshsinglemum.

Why if 2 people go out together should 1 pay for the other though? If you went out with a female friend then it would be odd if one person always paid and the other got a free ride. Why is it OK if it's a bloke?
I would feel like a parasite, and I wouldn't want a relationship with a bloke who wanted me to be parasitic.

Why aren't you desperate to have sex with him? What is holding you back? This is about your feelings for this man...

:-D tbh I think if you were that into him you would have errm let him in by now! After 15 dates and like everyone says, he sounds really nice... if you fancied him rotten I think you would be at it!

Help?... would you like a hamper of lubricants and a manual?

Sorry for being cruel, you have been given some good advice here already I think...