Dating: How long can I expect a man to wait before sex?

[BEAUTlFUL]

H left in September. End of October, I met on Match and started emailing someone and we went on a first date beginning of November. Had a second date, then didn't see him again till January. We didn't even kiss!

Since Jan have been seeing him regularly, once or twice a week. he is funny and generous, but I'm worried he might be a bit of a Player as, I dunno, he seems the type. Anyway, I've told him that I'm not the type to rush into bed and he said he was fine with that. We have done some Rude Business but not shagged.

My instinct is just not to bonk him yet. I don't know if he'll just run away the minute I do. Plus, he only came out of an engagement last summer, and I'm out of a 7-year marriage, so it feels a bit early.

We get on SO well, and it's all lighthearted and fun. I rarely ring him, but he texts me a lot, posts messages on my FB page, etc.

Two dates ago, he actually asked outright if we could have sex the next time we saw each other! I saod, "Probably not," and later cancelled that date, not fancying an evening of wrestling on the sofa. Next time I saw him, he suggested we had (for the next date) a sleepover at his (which I declined).

Ugh. I don't know what to do, except meet him only in public places. I've explained that I feel it's too soon still, but he is mentioning it a LOT now. For example, "I want you all the time," "You do now I'm crazy about you and really want to sleep with you, don't you?" and the worst - "You make me happy. Come back o my place and I'll show you eactly how happy you make me."

I realise this makes him sound like an utter tit but the rest of the dates are great -- really funny, complimentary, and he always pays.

Help! I'd like to keep seeing him, but I really want him to back-off on the constant shag-badgering. What do I do?

Totally agree with SGB.

If you have given him oral as part of rudeness , he's probably really confused as to why you are holding back , it's far more intimate and trusting than just "intercourse".

mal, it might not be more intimate and trusting to the OP! Personally I don't find blowjobs that intimate, although obviously trust of a certain kind is pretty crucial.

BJs not intimate?

I would have thought you've got to be really into a bloke to have his cock in your mouth!

I suppose I just don't trust him 100% yet. He says all the right things, but even they are completely overblown and flowery a lot of the time. Plus, if I shag him, I'm scared I will get REALLY keen on him, which I don't want to do. I like being in control of my emotions.

Eek, this is about control, isn't it? My H left, and now I am desperate to control everything about my love-life. Ahh.

As others have said, you can expect him to wait until you are ready. But he may decide that you not being ready means he's not interested - sounds like that wouldn't be the kind of man you want anyway.

That being said, do you understand why you aren't ready? Last time I was in this position it was that I wasn't that into him. Ended it, and fell in love properly within the month.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but from your last post it sounds to me as if you aren't ready to have a relationship. If you don't want to get really keen on him, what's the point?

Also, it's possible you are right not to trust him - I think that 'overblown and flowery' compliments would freak me out a bit too. Nagging you for sex is a bit... ew.

So I'd suggest giving it a break for a while. Sorry.

Well actually, I've been there. I didn't have sex with dh until I felt ready. It was a good 6 months before I actually felt like making the leap. DH was an utter gent about it btw. I wasn't game playing, I was making decisions about what I wanted to do with my own body.

ShowofHands -- did your now-DH talk about it a lot?

I guess I'm just waiting to get some physical - not verbal - signs that he's genuine. Like, his introducing me to some of his friends. Planning nice dates (not just hang-out, DVD-type dates). Actually taking me away for a weekend, not just banging on about it.

I'm seeing him on Friday, so I have between now and then to decide!

Have you told him that you'd appreciate being introduced to his friends/taken on different kinds of date?

For what it's worth, my DP doesn't have sex with me because of his religious beliefs. I don't think there's something inherently unhealthy about not wanting to have sex, but you seem so concerned about this either way, I feel worried about you. Hope my earlier posts didn't come across the wrong way.

You seem to be leaving a lot in his hands (planning dates, paying) which may give him the impression that you want him to decide everything, also as others have said as if you were trading something. If you want a more interesting date, arrange it (and pay your share) And if the asking for sex is making you uncomfortable, tell him so.

I think you are being quite sensible. Youve been hurt and don't want to get hurt again. You might be playing games but you only met this man about a month after your husband left so mabe you are confused. You don't sound ready tbh.

However -if you can seperate love from sex then go for it!

LRD, no, don't worry, your posts are all lovely!

I've typed out about 7 different answers now. It's so hard to explain. Yes he talked about it, but we discussed it iyswim. He wasn't bringing it up or trying to make me change my mind. He knew exactly what was happening.

Waiting for dates and weekends away makes it sound like sex is something that you give as reward, not something you enjoy as a consenting adult.

I can't tell you what took me so long. Just that it was my body and my choice and I knew when it felt right. I would never have sex if there was any part of me that knew that it wasn't what I really wanted. And actually, yes, I did need to be in love to do it. I don't think that makes me a prude and I don't confuse sex with love but I find the physical sharing of my body isn't something I can do without feeling that there is more behind it.

I am, as SGB would say, a monogamy whore!

You have to work out why you don't want to though. I think it's normal to know that you're wanted for more than just a physical act but it doesn't mean you can put conditions or meaning on that act that somebody else doesn't share.

I didn't expect dh to equate sex to committment or love or some bright new beginning, I expected it to be whatever it was to him, but I wasn't willing to compromise my own approach to it at the same time.

I think actually you do have a few things you need to sort out in your own head, OP. This everything-but-intercourse thing, for instance, is unusual in an adult woman who has been married and had DC, as the usual reason for doing that was a) to avoid pregnancy and b) to keep your actual hymen intact as it was currency. Are you enjoying the 'rudeness'? And (you don't have to share with MN but think about it yourself) does this involve you doing stuff to him or him doing stuff to you, ie is it mutually enjoyable? Because if it;s all about him wanting a blow job because he can't get a shag, then maybe he's selfish. If you're not enjoyig it and trying to put off the 'awful moment' then FFS listen to your body and accept that, amusing and rich though he might be, you DO NOT FANCY THIS MAN. So stop stringing him along and find someone you do fancy.

So you're waiting for physical signs that he is genuine? BEATIFUL, if you haven't shagged yet maybe he doesn't feel it is a rela relationship yet so doesn't feel the need to show you 'physically' that he is genuine?

Trust me, if he was just after sex, he wouldn't still be sniffing around, he would have moved on to someone more willing to spread their legs.

The fct that he is still seeing you often means he is intwerested in more than a one off bonk.

Have you talked to him about what you want form a relatinship? Have you asked him what he wants?

and I agree completely with SGB.

Also, why do you call 'sex-related activities- rude? Surely that is a little warped? It's not rude, it's fun, or intimate, or sexy, or loving, or any other positive adjective, but shouldn't be thought of as rude, not in a mature experienced lady

I wouldn't worry about it. If that is how you feel, that is how your feel! There is no real point in analysing it. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. He can always go off and get it elsewhere if he wants to. In my opinion the sex part of a relationship is the easy bit - it is all the rest that is tricky.

Who is to say what is right and what is wrong when it comes to sex, in any case? It is such a personal matter.

Solid gold - for god's sake, you sound like a headmistress - it's up to the two of them what they do, not you!! If he doesn't want to be "strung along" then he can make up his own mind on that score.

As it happens, I have often found that it is the journey that is enjoyable in life. Perhaps this relationship will turn out to be a fabulous friendship? Why should anything be written in stone at this stage? Perhaps, next week, he will turn around and announce that, not only is he in a clandestine other relationship, but he is also thinking about turning gay! And then the problem will be resolved, or not, as the case may be.

Just don't see why there should be any particular rules. It sounds to me as though you are trusting your instincts here - believe me, there is NO automatic entitlement to sex, however much he may fancy you! If he can't take the heat, he can always get out of the fire....bet he is loving the sexual tension. Nothing wrong with that, although sounds like you are finding it a bit.....creepy.

just shag him

and report back

..the answer to the OP, is that a man who likes you will stick around indefinitely if he is the right one, although he may also stick around if he is the wrong one.

AF provides to the point advice as ever.

if you don't want to shag the dude, don't. I know plenty women who sleep with very few/none of their boyfriends - though i agree with others that this does not protect you from emotional harm - it is a fairly good protection against STI's.

do you think that you find sleeping with a bloke who isn't your ex-h a bit yucky?

although agree that him being so direct abot wanting you to shag him is v. offputting.

Op its a bit telling your considering restricting your dates to public places , and you also cancelled a date as you didnt fancy a night of wrestling on the sofa.
Is he making you uncomfortable ? Is he being pushy ? Do you not feel safe with him ? Have you had to wrestle him on the sofa ?

If your instincts are telling you not to do it, then dont, they are rareley wrong.If it doesnt feel ok, then its not, end of . You dont have to be sexual with him if you dont want to , you dont owe him sex and you dont have to explain yourself re playing games to a bunch of strangers on the net..

Your break up sounds very recent , have you given yourself enough time ? There seems to be a lot of pressure to start dating again very soon, thats not for everyone.

If you dont like being badgered, tell him clearly, if he doesnt respect you enough to stop he can clear off. Im not keen on the remarks about playing games, if you dont want to shag him dont, hes not some poor lamb who deserves sex from you, and if your only comfortable going so far thats ok too , he doesnt get to set your level of comfort.

Personally the badgering about sex would put me right off, youve said clearly you dont want to, he shouldnt be trying to pressure you , what man wants sex with a woman who doesnt want to?
Sounds like hes trying to push boundaries with you, and im afraid the second time he started whinging about sex wouldve been the last time i saw him.

Did you actually WANT to do the things youve done with him, or did you give in because of his whinging ?
And why do you have to decide by friday ? Your first few dates were months apart, i dont blame you for being uncomfortable.

You think hes a player, he probably is.

One - definitely wait until you are ready esp if you are someone who gets more emotionally caught up once sex is involved
Two - have you given yourself enough time on your own to recover from the end of your marriage?
Three - definitely pay your way on dates