My partner hit me, and I don't know what to do.

[moonrabbit]

I've always said and believed that if I man hit me that would be the end, and I would leave, but I never imagined it would happen after 10 years together and with 2 children, a business, and a huge mortgage on a just-moved-into new house.
On Monday night we had a row, which basically boiled down to me not have the same ambitions/ideas for our business as he does. He had drunk a couple of beers and a bottle of wine, but was by no means wasted. he just got really really angry. I laughed at something he said, and he smashed his wine glass against the wall and kicked me very hard on the thigh and threw something at me. Then he screamed at me to go away. I went and shut myself in the children's bedroom with them and stayed there.
He is genuinely sorry and very ashamed. It has never happened before, and he says he doesn't understand what happened to him.
I am so unbelievably angry. I haven't been able to tell anyone, and I've had to lie to my friends about why I'm limping. My thigh really Fing hurts, and everytime I move I'm reminded of what he did. But I don't want his behaviour to ruin everything we've got. I don't want to rip my kids' world apart because he was a shit. But I don't know if I can trust him anymore.

his behaviour has already ruined everything you've got!

sorry to hear this,but i guess it will happen again. maybe when he's drunk,maybe not.

Oh dear Moonrabbit

This is awful I can understand why you feel the way you do I would be devastated.

This is very serious and needs sorting. Does he have a bad temper which you've seen before? You cant just let this lie because if hes done it once it may think hes able to do it again and again.

I would suggest getting some counselling maybe relate or perhaps both of you going to see your GP for some advice but please dont just leave it.

Poor you. My father was an abusive alcoholic (not for one minute am I suggesting your hubbie is like this) but he never changed and it was awful for us as children to witness. Think of your children as well and how damaging it will be for them to see this.

Lots of hugs. X

Bad, baaaaaad sign.

Even worse is the way you are covering for him.

Tell your friends, get support. Violence feeds on silence. Until you get this out in the open you are in danger. I grew up in a physically abusive household, so please trust me when I say this is the only way to ensure your safety.

They're always really sorry. Was he sorry in a "I'm sorry, but you made me x" way? Tell me more about how he is behaving and has behaved.

Also, call Women's Aid today and talk it over with them. This is not trivial, you need some professional help to work this one out.

So sorry to hear this, what an awful thing to happen to you

In your shoes, I would need to know that he was genuinely sorry for his actions. But this would need to be demonstrated in behaviour, not just words

I would need to see GENUINE remorse and regret

I would need admissions that what he did was wrong and that he holds himself fully responsible for his actions and behaviour

He would need to do this by organising anger management therapy

I don't think I could be in the same space as him for a while, so I would expect him to move out for a bit

He would need to understand that if it EVER, EVER happened again - violence or threats of violence, or intimidating behaviour - that would be it, OVER

I would expect him to be on the phone, NOW, arranging his first therapy assessment

go to GP. tell GP your H hit you. get it recorded.

tell your friends - stop covering for him!

"he says he doesn't understand what happened to him. "

that is what my exP said after smashing stuff, pushing me etc. "i dont know what got into me"

he should know --

"gee i am sorry but i was so angry at ..." would at least be plausible - then you would point out that however angry he was it is no excuse and it CANNOT happen again; and he needs to seek anger management therapy...

if he "doesnt know" why/what happened then chances are it wil happen again - he has no control over himself.

Really sorry to hear this. No experience so I won't go on.

A couple of beers and a bottle of wine is a LOT. If it's not a lot to him, then he's routinely drinking way too much IMO. Not an excuse but just wanted to say that.

I don't think it will necessarily happen again. If it is the first time in 10 years and he is genuinely contrite, I would not necessarily view it as the end of a relationship.

We all do things we regret in anger and haste, and whilst I am not condoning his actions, I think that if you want to be with him it is not sufficient grounds to end it.

I'm not covering 'for him', I'm just not going to tell school-gate mum friends iyswim. We've just moved into a small village and really don't want to be this weeks hot gossip.
I'm not going to just let it go, I am going to make him take action to sort out his behaviour/feelings/whatever.
The thing is that I don't feel like I'm in an abusive relationship, he's not controlling or insulting or jealous or any of the things that womensaid etc tell me are warning signs (I've been reading and thinking a lot since it happened). In our relationship I'm the one more likely to lose my temper and shout. Which is why I'm so shocked.
I think drinking too much is a big issue. I've cut down lately, so the bottle of wine we would have shared he's now drinking by himself. Every night.
Bloody hell.
The difficulty is that I have two young children at home with me, so talking on the phone/going to the GP with them around is not really possible. I don't want them to see me upset, or hear that their daddy hit me. My family are in Scotland, inlaws are in Spain on holiday, best friend just moved to London. The shit has hit the fan at a very bad time. Part of why I posted was to make sure that this was somehow recorded, albeit it anomymously. I have also written a letter to him and kept a copy for myself, so this incident can't be 'forgotten' or rewritten by him.

My DH and I had a physical fight two years into our relationship 15 years ago - I hit him and he hit me - no violence before or since, it was just an explosion of feelings. We saw a counsellor who was very chilled about it, and it made me realise that we're all capable of hitting out in moments of extreme emotion. Sounds like you are both under a lot of stress at the moment. From what you say, it's clearly not an abusive relationship - but obviously the drinking & build up of stress and maybe your own anger and how it affects him all need to be talked about. Good luck!

my dh did something similar about 4 years ago. he was drunk and things happened i don't want to go into - suffice to say i left with the children, packed up the car and went to a refuge.
i was there only a short time. devestated that he had broken everything. we had been together 17 years at that point. life was tough - but life always is at points - that's no excuse.

the decision to leave was the bigest decision of my life. to go somewhere start over again with the kids. the magnitude of the situation was huge. i had to get another house, i had to try and still go to work and get the kids to school even though the refuge was in another county.

I went back home becuase i was working and the refuge charged me a ridiculous amount of money per week for rent. i could have rented priveatley for what they were charging. and the refuge staff told me to give up my job and "take sometime for myself"

no way was i going to let this ruin my career too.

i told dh who had been e-mailing and ringing constantly, that i would go home but there were conditions attached.

HE sought out anger management courses, paid for them booked them.

together we had to go to relate.

getting past the incident was huge for me. i too was of the ilk of person who said " if he ever hit me i would be out that door..."

the immensity of the situation is really hard to fathom unless you are there, in it, in the moment. you think - well its only the once do i destroy everything, do i throw away all the years for this one moment in time? and then it eats at you, it eats at your self worth, at your dignity.

it breaks the trust in the relationship. trust i believe more important than love, without it there can't be love.

suffice to say that the months after were very hard. we both worked very hard to make it right again.

BUT, i am a different person. i am more cautious about where important documentation is, about money matters etc.

at the time i was living in social housing and the house was in his name. when i came back the house was tranfered into my name.

i have my own (three) bank accounts.
i am wary of debts being in my sole name.

it changed me. it made me harder.

hope this monologue helped!

moonrabbit - like you I always said (and believed) that if a guy hit me, I'd leave - but I don't think it's that simple.

In your situation I would talk to him, ask him what he thinks is the next step - does he want you both to go to Relate, does he feel an Anger Management course would help him, does he feel able to deal with this himself etc. As he is sorry & ashamed and this is (presumably???) the first time he has ever done anything like this I would give him the benefit of the doubt - this once.

I would also talk to him about the business, is it working - working together? If so, then put a plan in place that you are both working towards etc BUT if EITHER of you think working together is not working for your relationship then one of you needs to get out of it now and get another job - your relationship is (hopefully!) more important.

HOWEVER, I would also be telling him, in no uncertain terms, that if he EVER so much as raised his hand (foot) towards me again, our relationship would be over & he would have a lifetime of supervised visits with the children. I would leave him completely clear that this was not an idle threat.

first he threw a glass against the wall.....that didnt shock him? he THEN went on to kick you...you are limping so this was extremely forcefull,he then proceeds to throw something at you...

now that,to me,is not a one off!! he meant that didnt he?

I was approached soon after we moved here by a mum I barely knew, asking if I could take her kids while she went to the doc. I didn't question it at the time at all. It never occurred to me to think about whether she'd been hit by her dh/dp; I just took it as she laid it out - she'd hurt herself, she couldn't listen/talk to the doc while the kids were there, she needed someone to look after them while she went. Now, of course, I wonder .I'm happy to say it wasn't a problem and though her kids and dd weren't tremendous mates, it went fine and wasn't for long.

Please go to the doc.

so, he kicked you, you are limping - you have small DCS etc...then HE has to take time off to be with the dcs so that YOU can go to the doctor and have it checked out.

i do agree that there could be a literal "one off" - but he would need to show some evidence he realizes the significance, sets out to cut down on drinking TODAY, adresses the business issues calmly and rationally etc...

if there are ongoing stresses with the business and he continues to drink as tho nothing has happened then over next few weeks you need to be on your guard...

have an escape plan - if he continues to be stressed;

if something like this were to happen again.... figure out where you could up and go to with the DCS for a few days to get some space and thinking time and give him time to ponder and reflect on what needs to change. do you drive? would you take a taxi? have you money?

then you go back as custardo said - conditions attached.

I think you shouldn't 'cover', at least not to family or close friends.

My brother hit his wife once and we all knew about it. After everyone calmed down, everyone was very open and constructively supportive in helping them with the underlying problems. They were both able to ask for the help as we knew what had happened, so don't cut off a vital support network for you both, as something has obviously brought you both to this point (other than the wine)!

i would suggest living separately until you can think more clearly about your choices.

often we hide behind our children in these situations... chances are you can't see that you're doing it, but to an extent you are.

them being upset by a separation (even if it is just temporary) is the lesser of two evils.

he needs help with drinking and anger and you and your kids need to be safe while he does that... that's the bottom line.

Don't let your history prevent you dealing with this properly. By allmeans make the decision to stay and not throw away everything ....but don't make the decision to accept because you don't wish to throw away everything.

That means being proactive in confronting this

I'm sorry but I think you are trying to rationalise what happened - which is a natural reaction. If you don't make him take full responsiblity for this - including looking after the children while you go to the GP and also cutting down immediately on how much he is drinking etc - then I think this will happen again. I think he should move out for a while (he was the one who did so why should you/DC be the ones to leave?).

To be blunt, if you don't "punish" (wrong word) him then subconsciously he will know that there are no consequences for hitting you so no reason not to do it again.

Five years on and I've just come back to search for this post because I wanted to see what I'd said and thought at the time.
He's not hit me again but he also hasn't addressed any of the underlying problems and I wish I'd spoken out then and left, instead of burying my head in the sand for the last five years. We're in counselling now after I said I wanted out, but I think it might be too late. And that's my fault as much as his. Sad.

Hi, moonrabbit. Five years on - that's a long time, and certainly enough time for you to know if you want in or out.

What did you assess the underlying problems to be?

Honey, he will do it again trust me from experience. I know what you mean about keeping the family unit together but its not healthy and your children and you dont have to tolerate this. Sorry is what you say when you break someones favourite mug, not what he did to you. It doesnt come close xxx

Mummy, the OP says he didn't hit her again, but there are other issues and she wants out.