My partner hit me, and I don't know what to do.

[moonrabbit]

I've always said and believed that if I man hit me that would be the end, and I would leave, but I never imagined it would happen after 10 years together and with 2 children, a business, and a huge mortgage on a just-moved-into new house.
On Monday night we had a row, which basically boiled down to me not have the same ambitions/ideas for our business as he does. He had drunk a couple of beers and a bottle of wine, but was by no means wasted. he just got really really angry. I laughed at something he said, and he smashed his wine glass against the wall and kicked me very hard on the thigh and threw something at me. Then he screamed at me to go away. I went and shut myself in the children's bedroom with them and stayed there.
He is genuinely sorry and very ashamed. It has never happened before, and he says he doesn't understand what happened to him.
I am so unbelievably angry. I haven't been able to tell anyone, and I've had to lie to my friends about why I'm limping. My thigh really Fing hurts, and everytime I move I'm reminded of what he did. But I don't want his behaviour to ruin everything we've got. I don't want to rip my kids' world apart because he was a shit. But I don't know if I can trust him anymore.

(((OP)))

Don't think about fault and blame. Just think about what you and the children need to be happy.

Have you discussed this in counselling? (Obv no need to say on here). I'm struck that it's close to the anniversary.

It's very serious of course course. Nut if it's the first time in ten yeas I don't think it's absolutely certain he will do it again. It's up to you whether you think you can move on from here. If he understands how serious this is then there is hope but if he doesn't then there isn't.

(This is going to be one of those threads, isn't it?).

Sorry i havent read the whole thread but it seems at the very least your dp should get anger managment therapy.

I take it that means he's still drinking? It was an excessive amount then and I'm guessing is more now.

Did you tell anyone about the violence when it happened? I don't think it was a coincidence that it happened at a point where you were most trapped - brand new place, huge mortgage, best friend had just moved to London.

Do you feel your decision not to leave at the time may have led him to believe he didn't need to treat you with respect? The row happened because you had different opinions about how your joint business was to be run, and it sounds like he wanted to make sure he got his own way - through dominance if necessary. Has that continued?

Would you be better off having some counselling that is just yours alone?

Can everyone please RTFT, and note that the OP has updated? I also noted it was close to the anniversary. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Yep vivacia.

Moon, sorry things aren't any better. Don't feel guilty for looking after yourself.

Five years of treading on eggshells and bitterness is a very long time, OP. That's the problem with abuse, it never goes away.

Look after yourself and remember: One life, that's all we get.

I agree with MatildaTheCat. The fact that there hasn't been another violent incident is not the issue, it's the atmosphere left behind afterwards that doesn't go away. In the five years since the OP first posted, their position will have weakened further, confidence eroded, hope diminished .... it's clear to see the regret and self-reproach already of not having taken the opportunity to end things when they had the chance. Nothing worse than feeling life is being wasted.

It's never too late to make a fresh start.

You can walk out any time you want.
You don't need a motive.
You just need to want it.

You gave it a shot, it isn't working. Is this how you see your life for the next 5-10-10 years?

I'm just very sad and scared about the impact on my children. We have a nice life on the surface of things, and it feels selfish to disrupt that for them.
Thank you for all your replies. I have a lot of thinking to do and it's been useful to revisit where I was then.

We're here if you want to talk things through.

There is already an impact on your children. More importantly, there's an impact on you and they will be aware of it. Your children are just starting out in life and they have plenty of opportunities ahead to make their own choices. You have to make the best ones for yourself or another five years will slip through your fingers.

My partner was violent with me 4 years ago . I didn't tell anyone we worked through it I forgave and he had anger management sessions. I never forgot and it ate away at me. Two days ago he violently hit my head repeatedly he has left I won't have him back we have two children and I am breaking it's taking all my might to keep me together the guilt for the kids is unbearable and the next hurdle is telling them we can't be together anymore. I hope I find strength :-(

Zen that's awful. have you been to a doctor?

(On a practical note this is a "zombie" thread - if you start a new one you'll get more people responding to you; most will notice the date and just scroll past)

*Zeb

Didn't know what the zombie thing meant never posted on anything before. Yes nothing serious with my head

Glad to hear that (although hope you got it logged with a doctor?) Yes, "zombie" threads are old ones from years ago that people tend to skip. They come up on google searches of course.

If you'd like some more support please do start another thread - it can be a bit scary but I promise you could get some support and hand-holding as you get through the next difficult few weeks and months.

My story is so similar. My husband struck me in the car just over a year ago out of nowhere. Apparently I was winding him up and annoying him for singing and trying to touch him. he hasn't struck me since and initially when we tried to sort things out he was very loving and attentive but it soon faded. No sex for the last year and very little affection. I truly wish I had left then. Now I am angry at the world and have been in and out of depression. But I am trying to pluck up the courage to walk out. I need to make sure that I'm making the right decision for our children as I'm don't think I would be financially stable on my own. I have changed so much as a person im so angry for what he did to me. I did forgive him but that memory will never be erased from my mind

I'm just very sad and scared about the impact on my children.

I grew up with a violent, abusive father and being forced to live with him has had a terrible impact. I wish to God my mother had left and taken us with her.

☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠

Zombie thread started in 2010

Yes, but updated.

Oh...updated over two years ago. Ok, as you were.

I’m in a similar position now to what you were in then and I’m sorry you had to go through that difficult time. how are you doing now? Did you and your husband sort things out with counselling? I’m at ‘stage one’. I.e. Just having been hit (slapped multiple times and left bruised on the back of my head so I can’t lie down) for the first time in our 10 year marriage, with 2 happy and thriving children who love their mummy and daddy so much. ☹️

Did you ever leave him?
I am in my 30’s with two small children. My husband has been abusive to me several times. But I am the same I don’t feel like I was in a controlling absuive relationship?? He never cared what I did or who I was with but he would get angry during conversations and things I would say and lash out at me.
The most recent incident is he smacked me in the mouth in front of my two children.
I have left him but feel constantly guilty for my children.
He is doing a lot to change his ways and see’s a councillor regularly...I feel like I should go back for my kids 😔 without a doubt the hardest time in my life..