My dh is having a terrible time at work and wants to quit.

[runragged]

Ok I will try no to waffle and stick to the point, my notes are a whole jotter full so I will summarise.

DH is having a terrible time at work, he knows that his boss hates him, she gave him a totally unfounded Final written warning in October and in January she told him there had been other talk of dismissing him. She expects all of her staff to work minimum 10 hours a day, come into work on days off and take paperwork home. Snidy remarks (again totally unfounded) have been made about a supposed affair between dh and previous boss. This has been quite upsetting for him and he hasn't discussed it with me until recently. The final straw came last week when after working about 100 hours in 10 days including several 24 hour stints he took the next day off, but because it was a week day she called him up and told him he couldn't have the day off, that everything that he had been sorting was his fault etc etc.

He has decided that he wants to quit and frankly I don't blame him but how do I get through to him that he doesn't have that luxery? She persecuted him last year until he came down with depression and I can see it all happennig again. I got him to see a solicitor who said that he must take out a grievance against this woman before going for constructive dimissal but he hates conflict. He has got a doctors appointment on tuesday, I know that he is becoming ill again but even though he has suffered before he doesn't see it as a proper illness. He thinks if he just gets out of there he will feel better but we / he will be faced with many more problems. He is already drinking / smoking rediculous amounts, even poors a drink before he takes a call from work.

Sorry to waffle, how can I get him to see that he must go to the doctor and tell him how he feels and find out if he is becoming depressed again? How can I stop him resigning on monday? How can I get him to take out this grievance?

I want him to go to his meeting and then go to the doctor and get signed off so that he can have some breathing space and hand back his bloody mobile. Please someone give me some advice.

I think you are right about going to the doctor and getting signed off - hope it's a good doctor who will give dh a good amount of time and who knows the right job could be just around the corner now... least you never know and if he can get signed off then that will give him breathing space as you say. Wish I could say something really helpful - good luck.

Thanks 54321, I also meant to ask, do you think it is worth called the dr before he goes? he is my doctor as well but we never see him as we are never ill!

Get him to talk to the doc - he might be afraid of getting upset when talking to a doctor, sometimes its easier to keep the pressure cooker lid on by avoiding having to talk about it and he knows the doc is going to ask questions. Maybe it would help if you went with him. If he can bear to go he should get himself signed off sick for stress and depression then take out a grievance against the woman while he's off and let the solicitor deal with it. As long as he can list the occasions when these things happened he should have a pretty good case surely?!? Most doctors would accept it can take 4-6 months to recover from depression and be happy to sign a patient off work for this length of time (perhaps in monthly intervals). Say to your husband that he can do this and make all this stress and hassle go away or he can struggle on feeling terrible until he's forced to take time off anyway.

runragged, are you absolutely sure you couldn't manage if he did quit? Seems like in the long run he needs out of this job and a huge sick leave won't make the next job any easier to get, unfortunately.

I don't think anyone should have to put up with that and if it was my dh, I'd be sending in the resignation letter myself.

We could manage for a little while but if he resigns we are not entitled to any benefits for 59 weeks apparently, not even the minimum income guarentee. It makes me SO mad that he is being treated like this, he is definatly not well so the plan I keep trying to get him to agree to is to see the gp and take time off if necessary and then resign later when he has sorted his head out. His regional boss has said that he will give him a brilliant refenence if he resigns (and doesn't make waves - implied) and not to go back through this woman. The thing is I don't think he is capable of making a decision, one minute he wants to fight and the next he's back to "I just want to get out of there" I definatly don't want him going back there but I want the best solution for us and not them.
Emwi, he wouldn't let me go in with him, was most unimpresseed about me going to the solicitor. Which is why I was wondering about phoning the Dr so that he knew how he was feeling and could ask the right questions without dh knowing I've been interferring.

I agree with everyone else about getting him to the doctor.

If you DH is feeling as bad as you think though the thought of going through something like constructive dismissal could be whole lot more pressure than he is already going through and that maybe why he is feeling reluctant.

My DH was in the same position last year, he was heading towards a major breakdown, and if its this bad then I don't think that quitting is a luxury. You will be better off with a DH who steps back before falling into depression and then having the chance to sort things out, then a DH who actually does become depressed, and possibly has a breakdown, and then takes longer to recover. Hope that makes some sense!!

I can appreciate how scary it is and in the end DH and I decided that it was better to have a DH who wasn't depressed/having a breakdown, and facing money problems together, then to have a DH who was depressed, unable to function and leaving me to face money problems alone.

Runragged, not sure about the 59 weeks thing. According to the DSS you canNOT claim JSA if:

"you unreasonably make yourself unemployed. For example, you leave your job voluntarily without good reason, you lose a job because of misconduct or you turn down a job offer"

It doesn't actually mention a time frame.

Pie I called the CAB and they told me that, also the solicitor I'll have to check it out more thouroughly. Thanks

The thing is I'm really not sure about the quitting thing, I obviously don't want anything awful to happen to him but I don't think he has been "right" since he was ill last time. He declared himself fit after a month and threw himself back into work where she gave him the final written warning which he wasn't strong enough to fight (last October). I wish I could persuade him that even if he takes time off sick he doesn't have to go back there. He is such a worrier, not having a job would be just as bad for him.

Fair enough, everyone reacts differently. It does sound like your DH went back too soon, as you say.

All I can do is sympathize, DHs' can be so bad at knowing when to ask for help and admitting that they need to look after themselves.

I totally agree Pie, the are **ing useless sometimes! Bloody cavemen!

I just want us to get out of this awful situation as undamaged as possible.

Just a thing - you can't claim jobseeker's allowance if you had no good reason to leave a job, but in this case I would say your dh does have a good reason.

However if he gets an unsympathetic employment counsellor (or whatever the hell the dole office employees are called now), they may still dock his benefit. Last time I knew someone in this position though, the time they couldn't claim was 3 months (I think. could be 8 weeks. definately not 59 weeks).

But anyway this sounds like a clear case of bullying to me and if I really think he should take it up with the boss's boss (or the personnel person or somebody else). If he were to leave, he would have quite a strong case for constructive dismissal, but in order for anything to come of that he would have had to make some sort of formal complaint before leaving. I suppose that's not really helpful when he seems to have lost all motivation to sort it out is it? Perhaps you could agree with him that he makes a complaint, waits x weeks and then resigns (also a complaint will give him a better chance of claiming benefit). It's something anyway.

lucy123, thats a good idea, I'm actually writing out a griencance for him because he has a meeting to "discuss" things on monday andI think there is a good chance she might take the opportunity to turn it into a disciplinary. Having looked it up if you take a grievance out with the person disciplining you the disciplinary has to stop. I'm hoping to persuade him to use it as a last resort. Interestingly enough her superior is the managing director so that might rock the boat a bit!

He HAS lost all motivation which is what most bullies rely on. I am not trying to tell him what to do though I am trying to give him all of the tools he needs so if he wants to do someting he can.

This is when it shows that we are chalk and cheese, I get all fired up and he gives up.

runragged - so sorry you & your dh find yoursefl in this horrible situation. I got myself sign off sick earlier in the year and it gev me the breathing space I needed. one thing is that your dh should be allowed to take a friend/colleague/trade union rep into an meeting. How good is his HR/personnel dept ?? Is there any chance of a move to another department/office/boss?? what about suggesting redunancy if she is desperate to get him out (should be entitled to benefits sooner then giving up a job(?)) Altenatively suggest he gets signed off sick and that'll give hime a breathing space to find another job. Good luck for monday.

Helen mc, thanks, that's what I hope, he gets signed off and gets totally better and looks for another job (he does have 4 applications out at the moment) his hr department consists of one and she's crap, he can't move departments as he works in a hotel and any move would mean relocating.

I just want monday over so we have a clearer idea of where we stand, I feel like things are spinnig out of control and the uncertainty is killing me. Never mind I'm sure it will be over soon.

No time, may come back later but surely it's not unreasonable (re claiming benefits) if you leave when it's constructive dismissal? Although I think you can only claim if/when you win at tribunal. Sounds awful runragged, sympathies.

Runragged, I agree with Pie, better to be poor and not have a depressed DH than to be working and on the verge/in the midst of a breakdown. If he works in hotels aren't there others nearby without megalomaniac slavedrivers in charge? Lucy123 had already made the point about benefits and tribunals etc, sorry for repeating. I don't think you can do much more than you are doing except being sympathetic to your dp resigning and let him know that it's OK and you support him. (I know this wasn't your view but could you change it?) Anyway, I hope his meeting is constructive on Monday and he brings a grievance if he's up to it. It is a long and rocky (not to mention expensive) road to tribunal though so if there's any way of getting out and avoiding it I think I'd take it, especially if he's not up to the extra stress.

Don't get me wrong, I will support him if he resigns but I want him to stop being so blinkered and believing it's the only solution. Also it's not just about being poor, if he resigns he isn't up to working his notice but he will say he is and then just stop going so he might as well be sick while he's employed!!.

Thanks for all your comments everyone, I probably wont be ablt to check again until after mondays meeting coz not at work again until tuesday and ds is going through a turn the computer off phase so can't use it while he's around.

Sorry if my post sounded critical runragged, it wasn't meant to be. Good luck

Okay here we go, tomorrow is d-day, very quick message. DH has finally decided not to resign, and I have wriiten grevience which he has agreed to take with him in case things get out of hand at meeting. (Apparently disciplinary cannot continue if a greviance is taken with maager taking grievance). Just God help us get though tomorrow with no dismaissal or him resigning and get him to the dr on tuesday. Cannot write any more as head few too many through worry!! Will post tomorrow, apologies for drink related spelling erros.

Thanks every one.

Wishing you and your dh lots of luck tomorrow runragged ... let us know how he gets on ....

I can not believe they are behaving like this to him - does he have a human resources department? I worked in HR before becoming a FT mum (only left in april) - Please feel free to contact me if you want any advice - This is disgusting!! My bil went through very similar last year and this ended up going to tribunal which I helped him with, so please feel free to get in touch. All the best to you and your DH.

I absolutely agree that your DH should not decide to resign - firstly because he is not thinking clearly whilst under this level of stress and
secondly, because he is not at fault here. There may be others suffering in the same way and he has nothing to lose by seeking advice from HR (or his union, if applicable).

I think he needs protection from his work environment and time to reflect on what he wants to do. There doesn't have to be conflict in order to remedy the situation and there will be others on his side.

On a separate note please look after yourself because he is going to need someone to lean on and be his friend over the next few months. Try to remind yourselves what is truly important. Life is too short to put up with this crap!

Take care and keep posting.

Here runragged, show your DH this and tell him that he needs to sort it out, complain about his boss, see a doctor, whatever it takes.