I am lonely and a complete billy no mates

[Shufflingroundthesides]

I have namechanged because i have posted about this before and i am embarrassed that nothing has changed.
People always let me down
I am a good friend
Why the hell cant i find a friend like me?
I had to sit at soft play again today alone .while all around me were groups of mums chatting away.It hammered home to me how lonely i feel sometimes.
Dont know how i will ever change this situation?
I have one friend atm who i have known all my life but she comes in out of my life depending on whats happening in her life at the time.
Thats it

on and i have been there nearly 2 months so its not like i have only been here a couple of weeks.

Is it wrong to feel heartened that I'm not the only person that can't make friends? I get on well with people, but as others have said never seem to make that step from aquaintence to friend. I have bad times when I think I must be a really horrible person, but then I'm pretty rubbish at making the first move - and I've read enough advice on here to know that sometimes you've got to be the one who does the inviting, though I would be absolutely mortified to do that.

I'm on the leics/warks border too, perhaps it's the east midlands syndrome!

Thanks for the replies
It is comforting to know that i am not the only billy no mates.

It makes me angry that i have had friends in the past but because i do all the calling,texting etc ,when i stop i hear nothing.It has never been recipricated(sp?)
mummee09v is this how it is with you?

the texting thing is very hurtful - I have had that with one friend in particular.

Yeh i mean how difficult is it to just text someone and say hi hope you are ok

Very, apparently!

i totally sympathise - i don't find M&T groups great for socialising because DD and DS need watching. it isn't fun, and certainly not relaxing.

and the time when it was easy to go out and get drunk to meet people has, well, passed!

i think it takes time if you are perhaps not the most outgoing person, because just having kids isn't that much to have in common (i mean, look at how we disagree on here!)

as for a positive step - first don't feel bad just because it isn't happening. some people just don't flourish in the wrong setting - you need to find the right setting, and that can difficult with kids, and money shortages, and work taking up your time.

hang on in there! I promise you that there are loads of people who think the same as you

it took me years to find new mates when i had my girls. I was in a new area and had to start completely from scratch. I hated it and got very low and i am usually an outgoing confident person.

The ones i got to know were neighbours because I went every week without fail to the local NCT coffee group. Lots I didnt get on with hugely but one or two I did and I felt better for going. I still bump in to some of them at school so it was well worth going to.

I used to fill up some mornings with music, swimming lesson etc and that helped. I didnt like going to playgroups much as it was often different faces and it was hard to get to know people.

I would strike up conversations with mums on way back from nursery/walking to school. It sounds sad but I now know loads of people and have made some very good friends. Sure I met people that I didnt have much in common with but thats ok.

My closest friend i met at a birthday party through my dd nursery. We then met at one or two more and i invited them for tea and a couple of years later we go out on holidays etc.

Def invite people for tea - i doubt the kids are all in cliques - they are still getting to know everyone - and yo may find that the parents may prefer them to make more friends - so dont be put off

Shuffle Any chance you're in Brighton?
Have completely lost my old friends as I've moved away and they don't have babies so they tend not to bother, so I know exactly how you feel on that front (worthless, desposable...). Plus my best friend of 7years moved to Austrailia last year so I really am a loner! I have some friends here that I've met through my boyfriend but again, none with children so I can't relate with them at all as all they're interested in is the pub and football (all things I like but find a bit shallow to a certain extent) and that's obviously not very baby friendly!

It is a little comforting though to see that I'm not the only one too. Just stuck in a rut I guess

meanDollie-No nowhere near Brighton im afraid

Thanks for the replies

Shuffling - I can sympathise. We moved here 10 months ago. I have one DS who is 3yrs old. We have two close friends in the area and one acquaintance from my time at work. Our closest friends live at the other end of the country so we see them 2-3 times yearly and also have no family close. I have one DS who is 3.8. We are in the West Midlands.
My DH is very shy and only has friends through work.

Whereabouts in west midlands shivster?

bumping for shivster

I have no friends either, moved away and now alone!

Tis very very hard. have a wonderful DH but he is the same, just work colleagues.

North Birmingham. On the west midlands/staffs border.

I am in manchester, am always happy to travel to meet up with anyone though I don't drive but am a dab hand at trains etc!

Hi, i am in the same boat have a DD 16months, am in West Midlands (Black Country)I can't drive but would be happy to get the bus if anyone fancies meeting for a coffee/chat

I've felt like this all my life - never make friends easily and find them hard to keep. Obviously I wouldn't recommend this but since i split up with my husband last year I've made a few new supportive friends who've been through the same trauma. This is one area of my life that has improved while the rest is falling apart!

If you're feeling down yourself you might not notice other people's problems - but trying to help someone else through an issue might help you form a bond with them, and be to both your benefit.

I enjoy chatting to colleagues at work and going for coffee occasionally but i don't invest a lot of time in friendships otherwise - the people i know with the most friends seem to be on facebook etc or the phone all the time and i just couldn't be bothered! Once i've got the kids to bed and housework done i just want to veg out on the settee with a couple of hours of tv before bed. Not every night but most nights. Since the split with h i have been going out a lot more at weekends (trying to find a new man but that's another issue!) - people are starting to see me as a bit of a party animal which is a totally new experience for me!

I had a similar thread on mumsnet a couple of years ago where i ended up announcing "I AM A SOCIAL OUTCAST AND PROUD" - it's nothing to be ashamed of - but i know how you feel because i still get very sad about it sometimes. Sad for myself and for ds1 who is extremely shy.

To all fellow sufferers I hope you find friendship soon - but don't be hard on yourself there's lots of good people out there who have the same problem

That's a lovely post, mellow. Good luck with the manhunt!

Thanks - I'm not having much luck at the moment but I'm enjoying looking

mellow, you sound just like me. I am a social outcast and proud as well I'm generally not that bothered, I know I had quite a few friends as a kid but my mum kind of 'encouraged' the initial connections and made it easy iyswim. I'm not that brilliant at making and keeping friends, as I find it quite draining and can't always be bothered to put in the required time fostering and nurturing new friendships. I am a good friend if someone has known me for years, and I do make the effort then.

Also, I don't know if anyone else can identify with this, but I've noticed that as an adult I go through phases with friendship. When I am in a relationship I don't make a lot of new friends although I'll have a few friendships ticking over, people I met when single. When I am single I am much more proactive because my social needs aren't being fulfilled by a partner, but I still don't need that much interaction with others before I feel 'full up' and socialized out.

I have accepted myself as I bit of a loner (although an avid people watcher!) and an introvert. I don't mind it so much, although I do get really down about it a few times a year and wonder why I can't be different. Like recently when we had to get DS his first passport and neither XP or me knew anyone professional to countersign the form. It took ages to think of someone! I felt like screaming 'we are hermits and freaks!' but I knew that would be pointless. People are who they are, and I guess it's what you are happy with. I am friendly but maintain a certain distance, and I guess that's how I like it or I'd do things differently. Some people in my situation would be climbing the walls, in fact one childhood friend said as much, and I just grinned. Ah well!

Maybe that's how I should think of myself - a wilful outcast!

It's awful to say, but part of the problem is that I don't meet people who I can be bothered to be friends with anyway - I seem to meet people with whom I just have no connection - we can't see each other's jokes, or whatever.

I only really get upset about my general friendlessness when I see other people, and they have a brilliant group of friends, especially when it has been that way for years - it just seems impossible to get to that point.

The worst aspect is those occasions when you are supposed to wheel out your gang of mates - for me it was my hen night (type thing - just an evening out really)! I was in agonies over that one.

sigh

I think a couple of really good friends is all most people will ever have. In my late teens/twenties, I had more friends than I knew what to do with, and people who were once friends ended up becoming more like acquaintances than real friends. I think often when it looks like other people have a big group, they're not ever really connecting with any of them. It was that way with me.

These days, I practically have none. Well, I have them, but contact is mostly by phone or internet with only occasional face to face meetings. I have maybe three best friends, two of whom are married to each other. I saw the couple in January after a gap of about three months. The other person I haven't seen for about six months.

I have made friends with local people, but they are not deep friendships. I can see that one of them might deepen, if allowed.

Anyway, not sure how this was supposed to help, perhaps just another voice to say that it's not just you, and that things aren't, for other people, always what they seem. If you told some of the people I spent time with in the past what my situation was now, they probably wouldn't believe you, because it looked like I knew everyone...

Because of my husband´s job, I have become a real pro at starting somewhere new (moved house 6 times in 10 years!).

I make a special effort to smile at people, and have a bit fo small talk (weather, something going on at school, try to remember what they tell me, and then when I meet them next and can ask how SO-and-SO went. Sounds like I am trying too hard maybe, but I think you have to try hard when you´re new).

I never assume cliques are "closed", most people like meeeting someone new (positive attitude), will always go up to someone to talk, even if I never talked to them before. I never stand by myself (even if it´s to ask: "Do you know what time assembly is tomorrow?" or "How did your DC get on with the project? We had a nightmare in our house making solar system out of plastic cups", "My DC lost his PE kit, where should I look for it you think?" etc. etc.)

I join the PTA and help with jobs like doing food or drink at school do´s (being the mulled wine person makes you very popular ). I helped shovel snow when the school was snowed in. etc. However, if I do not have time to help, I am sure people will understand, you don´t have to be a doormat

I invite kids that my DC like to our house, even if I don´t really know the mum. Ask the mum if she wants to hang around for a coffee (pick up is fine too).

It is very hit and miss, and I am aware that listing this I sound like I try too hard, but I think you have to really really try, no one will do it for you IYSWIM.

Bottom line: Everyone likes people with a positivie helpful attitude, who seem interested in other people.

PS, Last time I went to the soft play centre, I texted 6 people if they wanted to join me, 5 said no, but one came. Fair enough, and better than going alone.

chandon, great positive post ! I have moved 2x in the last 6 years & by doing similar things to you, have made some very good friends.