Do I just need to accept that I was a Slut?

[cheekymonk]

Evening All! I am happily married with one ds now but back in my uni days I was very promiscuous and did sleep with over 100 men roughly. I used to have to get really pissed to have the confidence to approach anyone (mainly due to being fat). I was lonely and although I had made some friends, I wanted a boyfriend too and in my warped mind sleeping with someone and being wanted for all of 30 mins or if I was lucky, the whole night was the next best thing.
I lived with 6 male housemates at the time who were appalled my behaviour. I did have threesomes/forsomes (and a fivesome too I think!) which was what pushed them into really despising me. One night I brought someone back, he went then I went back out and brought someone else back. It is shocking and I was out of control but those housemates were so vile.
I ended up recently sending a message to one of them on facebook. I wanted an apology but have today come home to this
"It has been a long time - 13 years in fact, which i why suddenly recieving this from you scares me that you have gone to the lengths to find me. Obviously some deep seated resentment there that you probably need to get off your chest/deal with through professional help. Either way - yes behaviour to you may not have been entirely appropriate, but my did you deserve it. Hoping to find brother figures? WHy on earth? I cannot imagine why you, a second year, felt the need to take a room with six male 4th year students. Most 2nd years got digs with friends they made in the 1st year...!!!! To refute some of your allegations about us. 2 of us had girlfriends, neither of them cheated on them. The rest of us, me included, enjoyed a significantly lower level of "single life" than you did - as you said it's what people do at uni...mainly with students met at the Student's Union", though, not with sailors they pick up in Joanna's night club. While I am all for enjoying the single life, both for men and women - you took it to such an extreme. 2 guys in one night I recall...one at about 1030 and then you going back out to bring another one back! Another stealing my bike from the hall! I hope my thoughts about the way YOU behaved are clear. I may have been a little immature back then and yes, 13 years is a long time. But do I have any regrets/would I behave differently to such a prolific enjoyment of the single life as yours now - I doubt it. I trust that I will not hear form you again."

I feel so gutted and worthless, just like I did then. I sincerely regret raking up the past. I am trying to understand now WHY I behaved so badly and try and reconcile the past but am having trouble.
Any thoughts? Do I just need to accept that i was a total slut back then??

cheeky

so your not going to answer my question if you provoked them the night the door was kicked in?

or answer if you have replied to his email?

OP - You sound like you were great fun to live with and the guy may well be a boit of a dick in his reply BUT it was a reply, what did you write to him to provoke his reaction? Why did you contact him?

13 years is a LONG time ago, for all you know he shares an email with his wife, she could well have seen yours and gone nuts at him for having the "slut" (your words, not one I would use about someone) from uni contacting him?

You really do need to step back from the past and move forward, if you're looking for someone to tell you that all the past is ok you will not find it from some poor sod who had to live with you and endure your constant string of conquests!

I lived with 3 guys when I used to run a pub, we all got on really well and nothing ever happened between any of us, but 1 of them was forever trying it on and constantly bringing home women that he would shag and then call a taxi for!

It was not a fun environment for anyone except him, if he suddenly contacted me about it I would think he had lost the plot, these things happened years ago, let it go, leave the guy alone and concentrate on your own self esteem issues.

I really do not see what you were looking for.
These people are not part of your life, you know they do not like you so why go looking for them?
Leave them alone, if you feel you need redemption then you need to look in to forgiving your self for the life you led, (and be honest would you want your Daughter to behave in such a way?).

They did not approve, they did not like you, they moved on, you need to do the same.
And yes you do need to except that the way you behaved was not good, but they already knew that so why bother them to try and explain and find forgiveness, they are not going to look at you now and see a great person they saw too much.

Move on and let them get on with their lives,

I had never heard of cheekymonk before this thread so I did a search. Since the new year she has been on five threads, only one of which was started by someone else. The other four were:
-AIBU to be annoyed at a situation. Am I a cow?
-Am I a cow? I feel like I am.
-a rant that starts 'I am just frustrated at my own stupidity and lament the money wasted on toys'
-this one, where she calls herself a slut.

There seems to be a lot of angry / cross / frustrated / annoyed / pissed off going on in her life.

OP: your sluttiness at Uni is history, forget it and move on. However your anger at everyone & everything and your histrionics seem to be a current problem. For the sake of your DS, who is going to model his behaviour on yours, do something about it.

I would be very interested to know the circumstances behind your door getting kicked and also behind it getting kicked in in your absence. What led to these things happening?

Also, as a man, I can assure you that, while a lot of men enjoy the fantasy of a threesome (or more) they would typically judge a friend for engaging in the reality which, unlike a threesome in a porn film, would not involve three perfect bodies moving as one in consensual carnal delights in a tastefully decorated room, but more often three desperate drunks in a beige-carpeted, plywood-doored student house surrounded by empty beer cans. And THAT, man or woman, three, four, of five, strikes me as sad and not at all enviable.

Well, very obviously the guy was really pissed off with you back then, possibly even hated you.

I'm not sure what have you expected to hear from him.

Did you want an apology from HIM? For what? It sounds you was the one causing the trouble (I'd be pissed off if my bike was stolen by my flatmate's one night stands!). Have in mind he most likely wasn't aware of your confidence issues so in his eyes you was simply a s**t.

Agree you are a different person now but you asked for all you got by contacting him.

One thing though - if you can't let go of your past 13 years on when you're happily married etc and feel the need to contact people you might have upset in the past then there is a problem and the guy might be right in saying that maybe you need professional help to deal with it.

Do you actually CARE what he thinks about you or was you just looking for some sort of reassurance from him?... Why?...

'piles in' to agree with Sophable.

hi OP, I'm sorry I haven't read the entire thread but please stop blaming yourself. He's clearly an arsehole and doesn't know the turmoil you were in back then. I had a terrible reputation in my younger days for "inappropriate" behaviour... people whom I thought were "friends" it turns out are/were not - they tolerated me, but didn't love me - and still think I am that girl. It doesn't matter anymore because I have people who know me as I am now.

You don't need his forgiveness - nor anyone else's. You were expressing your pain in a way which didn't bring you joy - no need to go rubbing more salt in to those wounds.

Don't bother contacting them, your promiscuity was possibly not the only thing out of kilter back then - I know I used to give off strange vibes - to the point I'd be in a restaurant on a date and the waiter would look scared and say "I've got a girlfriend!" ... so maybe he thought you were contacting him to initiate some sort of sexual/emotional thing.

Oh... and as for his insinuation that "normal people are friends with other normal 2nd years". Yeh, nice chap! If you were to meet a 17/18 year old girl today who was living a life like you did - would you not spot in a milisecond that it was a clear cry for help?

Cheekymonk. I feel so sad for you.
You have such a low opinion of yourself.

It seems to me you have been seeking reassurance and reaffirmation since you were a teen.

You are so unsure, you invite a lot of people in to judge. You open yourself up to a lot of hurt. From the crush on the teacher, the sex on the path, the sex at uni, and now, many years later when you could have moved on from the person you were, you have to drag it all up, talk about it in work to people who assumably had a normal view upon you as a normal colleague, and to a bunch of strangers on a forum, and email that bloke for his perspective on you back then.

I am asking again: Has anyting happened to you recently that has brought all this on?

Or are you always this absorbed in your past?

You need to move on. You are a wife, and a mother, you work, your life is different.

Be kind to yourself. Put it at rest. It is IN THE PAST, and nothing you do or say can change it. You can only change you look back upon it. Say to yourself "I did that. It is OK, I have experienced and MOVED ON. It is not what I am now. Today I am Peter/Emmas mum, and life is good"

Is it good?

dittany i think you are putting words in people's mouths here.

i'm no psychologist but i think mathanxiety made alot of sense. it seems alot of her behaviour was/is a need for someone else's attention/approval.

I am with fembaer and lulumaam on this. You seem very angry and think you deserve an apology from people whose lives you blighted years ago. Let it go! They don't owe you anything. And more: you couldn't care less!! It's been years ago and you have changed/moved on. You're a mummy with a little DS now and happily married as you say, yet, I also looked and found these negative threads and I wonder why you are so full of anger and resentment. I really think you need to sort this out before your DS starts to suffer and you lose all your self-esteem and self-worth. Please try and make a new beginning, it is never to late. And don't look back, look at the future you can write!

PS: And no, I would not call you a slut. I feel very for you, that you think that of yourself and I think you really need help to leave all those bad sentiments behind!!

I haven't read all the replys so apologies if I repeat anything.

First of all, I don't believe in the word 'slut'. I would think no less of you if you saved yourself for marriage than I would if you slept with 100 guys a month. So long as you are single and your partners are single to the best of your knowledge.

Secondly the guy who wrote that email to me seems like he trying justify himself by making you feel bad. Thus he can feel better about being an arsehole.

If you bringing people back to the house was a problem for them then they should have sat and discussed it like grown ups with you and tried to reach a compromise, rather than behvaing like twunts.

If you still feel the need to punish yourself for what happened all those years ago, then perhaps you do counselling.

strikes me the actual behaviour is a red herring,the description of it and need to elicit a response from others 13years on is curious.

very lurid in depth,and fraught description of self and others reactions to you and your circumstances

do you seek to provoke a strong reaction
it is all very high expressed emotion

frankly 13years ago,you were that girl - yes.
you did those things,have regrets

but dragging the detritus of your life uo 13years later is painful to you and others

why do it

others dont necessarily have to forgive you and to an extent nor should you seek it.You should seek your own inner peace and reflect upon the women you were, and the woman you are now

cant make your demons go away
but you can stop ruminationg and picking away at emotional scabs

suggest you take stock of here and now

i agree with mathan's last post

i wonder , dittany, why you akways look for the role of the woman as being victim?

that you think we all think she deserved it ?

her behavior was horrible, i can guess some rotten things happened to her to make her behave so, but she still chose to behave a certain way

men don't get away with bad behaviour due to their bad childhoods.. no-one says a man is deserving of compassion or empathy for sleeping with a multidtude of women or for shagging anythign that moves, or for having group sex... but because this person is a female, her behaviour must b e excused? no-one excuses a man for cheating on or hitting his wife because he had a rough childhood...

responsibility has to be taken on some level

i am not sure i am getting my point across very well

just some of your posts reek of double standards

I haven't answered the question about the door. The night it was kicked I had not been out, not had sex and was not doing anything at all. I was lying in bed, almost asleep.
It was physically broken in to when I was with my family for Christmas. Was that my fault then?
One of the main messages I am getting through all of this is shut up, we don't want to hear about it and neither does anyone else! I don't tell everyone I meet about my life at all. I find small talk difficult however and admit I can be intense.
I didn't tell the work colleague any detail, just that I had sent an email to a past housemate because I was angry with them and now felt a bit foolish. No more. Noone at work knows any of it. Only my closest friends and housemates know what I was like. Out of my 31 years, this was a 3 year period in my life but one that I feel still haunts me occasionally.
I haven't replied to his email and don't plan to.
Nothing traumatic has happened recently at all but I must say it is when I am on my own I kind of go down hill sometimes. I do feel I don't have anyone to confide in, hence finding it liberating being on here. Its hard though when people are don't want to hear it. I don't make you read this thread!
Yeah skihorse that really hurt. That they thought I was this weird sad misfit with no friends. While I had my issues that wasn't the case. I was liked.
As to your comments fembear, i do usually come on here to vent off. I do reply to other threads but admittedly haven't for a while. i like hearing other peoples perspectives but I am usually taken aback by some of the hatefulness shown here occassionally but the support can be lovely too.
I still, find the reaction my old behaviour provokes now and provoked then infathomable. Is it really that bad?? I do understand I was awful to live with at times but it was not constantly!

unfathomable even

in response, i would say , you should have therapy .. it will be really beneficial, to talk to somoene who si absolutely non judgemental, and not someone you will see in a social setting afterwards

in reposne to 'was it that bad?', i would say, based on what you posted, yes, it was that bad,. and i posted some of my experiences with housemates at uni, that really annoyed/irritated me at the time. the fact is it still irks your ex housemate 13 yeras later, so i think you can safely assume, it was that bad

and it does not sound like you actually enjoyed it either

you should nto have had your room broken into, that is unacceptable too

but in response to your unacceptable behaviour

i think you understand and seek to manipulate reactions to your behaviour.hence the lurid long descriptions.for whatever reason you seek the reactions of others. i dont think you find this so unfathomable at all

think you need to explore why you need to seek out others reactions to your past extreme behaviours

you seem to have an external locus of control and problem accepting responsibility for the behaviours you describe

I am confused. were you away for christmas when the door was broken down or lying in bed? Not that anyone had a right to break the door but if you weren't there I guess it wouldn't have been so scary. Or are the kicking the door in and the breaking in two different times?

"I still, find the reaction my old behaviour provokes now and provoked then infathomable"

also - to be fair I have no opinion on your past behaviour, I just think that sending an message to the guy you sent it to was abit weird and I also think his respnse was not surprising given the way you approached him.

The door being kicked in wan't your fault, nor did you deserve it. And I'd say that even if you had been shagging on the living room rug in full view of your housemates.

My ex flatmate enjoyed an active sex life when we lived together. I was a bit pissed of when she kept me awake howling all night, but I didn't resort to any of the behaviors you described. I asked her to keep the noise to minimum in future and made sure she never lived down the night the neighbour (who shared a wall with my room) asked who I'd had back the night before . Yes she really was that loud at times.

I didn't appreciate it when she left me alone with five of her current conquests mates all taking it turns to come onto to me. Nor did I appreciate the fact that I had to throw out one guy because he wouldn't leave and she couln't be bothered to get him to.

But I discussed all of things with her like an adult. I didn't resort to name calling and breaking into her room.

I was less than virginal as a younger teen. It's not something I am particularly proud of, but nor is it something I feel the need to revisit or punish myself for.

It doesn't sound like you were the ideal housemate tbh, and your email while undstandably so, was aggressive and agression begets agression imo. You'd have been better off either leaving it alone or writing something along the lines of "I am sorry if you felt my behavior made me difficult to live with, but I am still hurt by the way that you treat me etc"

I think some of the replies you have had on here are pretty harsh to be fair, but I agree with others if the past still haunts that you, then you do need counselling.