Do I just need to accept that I was a Slut?

[cheekymonk]

Evening All! I am happily married with one ds now but back in my uni days I was very promiscuous and did sleep with over 100 men roughly. I used to have to get really pissed to have the confidence to approach anyone (mainly due to being fat). I was lonely and although I had made some friends, I wanted a boyfriend too and in my warped mind sleeping with someone and being wanted for all of 30 mins or if I was lucky, the whole night was the next best thing.
I lived with 6 male housemates at the time who were appalled my behaviour. I did have threesomes/forsomes (and a fivesome too I think!) which was what pushed them into really despising me. One night I brought someone back, he went then I went back out and brought someone else back. It is shocking and I was out of control but those housemates were so vile.
I ended up recently sending a message to one of them on facebook. I wanted an apology but have today come home to this
"It has been a long time - 13 years in fact, which i why suddenly recieving this from you scares me that you have gone to the lengths to find me. Obviously some deep seated resentment there that you probably need to get off your chest/deal with through professional help. Either way - yes behaviour to you may not have been entirely appropriate, but my did you deserve it. Hoping to find brother figures? WHy on earth? I cannot imagine why you, a second year, felt the need to take a room with six male 4th year students. Most 2nd years got digs with friends they made in the 1st year...!!!! To refute some of your allegations about us. 2 of us had girlfriends, neither of them cheated on them. The rest of us, me included, enjoyed a significantly lower level of "single life" than you did - as you said it's what people do at uni...mainly with students met at the Student's Union", though, not with sailors they pick up in Joanna's night club. While I am all for enjoying the single life, both for men and women - you took it to such an extreme. 2 guys in one night I recall...one at about 1030 and then you going back out to bring another one back! Another stealing my bike from the hall! I hope my thoughts about the way YOU behaved are clear. I may have been a little immature back then and yes, 13 years is a long time. But do I have any regrets/would I behave differently to such a prolific enjoyment of the single life as yours now - I doubt it. I trust that I will not hear form you again."

I feel so gutted and worthless, just like I did then. I sincerely regret raking up the past. I am trying to understand now WHY I behaved so badly and try and reconcile the past but am having trouble.
Any thoughts? Do I just need to accept that i was a total slut back then??

Mrs L123, you really don't get me at all do you? My life is not at all full of drama. Its the school run, rush to work, rush back from work, enertain ds cook tea etc , put ds to bed, abit of me time then bed and so it goes on unless dh home. there is no drama apart from dh coming and going. it is normal stuff. I know an autobiography sounds v. self absorbed but I love writing and my dh has always encouraged me to start one so i thought why not. there's nothing sinister there. Again, its just trying to make sense of it all.
Thanks drloves for that recent comment and eurostar too.

i think when you feel secure that's often when you choose to look at the past.

it sounds to me as if you like a party and there's nothing wrong with that. Nor is there anything wrong with sleeping with who you want to. it's your choice.

it is difficult reconciling the mother you now are with the wild child you once were.
You are still the same person, but at a different stage in your life, but it can be almost surreal remembering past exploits.

life will change again. but the only person who can help you deal with the past is you, and possibly a counsellor - once dealt with, MOVE ON - remember the past is another country, they do things differently there.

It's the here and now that's important. Focus on that.

I have to admit eurostar I agree. I was already feeling pretty low and feel even more mixed up now. Thanks everyone for your comments. Night night xx

if you are always comfortable , you will never grow as a person (?)
really ? . .
you need to go back and re-read what you have written.then think.

No cheekymonk, I don't 'get' you. I don't need to - I don't know you, I'll never meet you. My comments are based on this thread, not an indepth knowledge of your family life. I'm not a horrible person, I'm not nasty to people, I go out of my way to help people. But I speak as I find, and I think you were out of line sending that email. I don't care about the rest of it. I don't even care about the email, actually. Can't believe I'm wasting my time at 11pm even posting on here again. But I do think you need to get professional help.

your email - what were you expecting as a response? an apology and some grovelling????

dont think so?.... ok... so maybe there is some sexism... but you were flat-mate from hell.

i have a question... the night they kicked down your door?.. were you on your own? or had something been done to provoke this from them?

his email - arsey and pompous (but you already knew he was like this didn't you? so shouldn't have been a suprise)

another question - have you responded to the email he sent? if so... what did you end?

and finally, i agree with drlove - i think you are attention seeking and enjoy "shocking" people.

but.. i do feel you need to attend some sort of good counselling.

have i missed the part where you explained what prompted you to contact this ex-housemate? was it from advise from a professional. or just you too an urge to revisit your past.

cheekymonk you're right you DON'T need to accept the judgement of others. so then why come on here, paint yourself in a somewhat ambivalent to say the least light, and then ASK for it!

it's masochistic! which follows on from your past. same with your email, there could only be one result from an email like that and it it isn't ever going to be a good one.

i'd leave this, the emails to your ex housemates, this thread, the lot.

i'd consider some therapy that directly addresses how you feel about all of this.

I can't believe you expected an apology after what you said to him; and after 13 years!!!

I think you were an attention seeker then and you are an attention seeker now.

You mention your mum shouting at you about losing your virginity - why tell her?

Why tell your workmate about this email?

Haven't we been here before?

SGb tells us if it fine to have lots of sex with whoever we wish whatever their sex or number

Dittany pops up to convince everyone it was all vile gang rape and that counselling will cure all ills.

Morningpaper says some funny witty light hearted things to eaven the mood.

Everyone else piles in for a bunfight.

I will do.
Cheekymonk, you are barking.

Cheekymonk, get yourself a counselour, you put yourself through a lot of bad things, you really need advice on how to confront this in a way that helps you to move on.

This thread seems to be a bit self indulgent.
Whilst an autobiography seems a little over tthe top it may be useful for you to write letters to each of these housemates describing what they did to hurt yo
u. However, DO NOT SEND THEM. Then write down everything that you did that you are ashamed of. Next burn it all and move on.

You are either attention seeking or using this thread as some sort of confessional but either way you need to move on.

I've read the whole thread it's very odd and a case of 6 of one half a dozen of the other. You behaviour in a shared house was inappropriate. His behaviour towards you was inappropriate.

You say you want to understand why you did it.

Question: "Why does a dog lick his balls"

Answer: "Because he can"

Maybe you were trying to prov a point to the men you lived with ie. look at me I'm not as shit as you think I am.

Whatever, it's over now just forget about it. I've had a lot of stuff happen to me and something you talk about and some things you just say, "oh well done now".

If you really are happy now then just don't worry.

moondog, your comment is the best in the whole thread... and of course, I was missing here ;)

Cheekymonk, in my opinion both males and females can have as much consexual sex with whoever they want... in their own house. I happened to have two separate flatmates, one boy and one girl, who used to bring their one-night stands home, with not so much as a warning to the rest of the housemates. That is rude, dangerous and irresponsible. To give you an example of why: one morning I went to the bathroom, which was just by my bedroom, in my underwear (I was in an only-girls flat by then). When I came out, I found a stranger (man) on the corridor. I had the shock of my life. It happened to be a harmless guy that my flatmate had shagged the night before, but it could have been anyone. I had a word with my flatmate and it never happened again.

The male guy had a girlfriend and used to bring one-night stands any time of day, try to hide the telephone number list when his girlfriend was around and try to involve the three other flatmates in keeping the situation silent. It was a nightmare. And apart from that, the female one-night stands used our bathroom, and sometimes even stayed for dinner. We were lucky nothing disappeared from the house, because for some reason people who bring one-night stands to a shared flat never feel responsible when the aforementioned one-night stands steal something. Like the case with your flatmate's bike.

My examples were actually quite low-risk. If ANY flatmate, male or female, had performed threesomes, foursomes and fivesomes and shagged his/her conquests in the dining room sofa, I would have been fuming, and would have done everything in my hands to have them evicted. Unfortunately, this is not that easy (anyone living in flats can confirm this), and I wouldn't put kicking a door out of my possibilities if that person hadn't left of his/her own accord.

Apart from that, as it has been mentioned several times before... it's been 13 years!!!! Your e-mail is completely out of line, and I couldn't have imagined any other reply from your very-ex-flatmate, except maybe a short "p*ss off" sort of answer.

Oh, and in response to your initial question "Do I just need to accept that I was a slut?", well... I went to the Collins dictionary and looked up "slut". This is the result:

slut
n(Offensive)
a promiscuous woman

So, "slut" is an offensive way to call a promiscuous woman. You were a promiscuous woman, and your flatmates wanted to offend you... in that sense, the term would be correct, albeit offensive.

Your DH is gone a lot. When he's there everything is fine, but when he was gone this time, you seem to have lost the run of yourself. I think you wanted to write an autobiography to try to gain a sense of having a life independent of who is right there in the room with you. You seem to be someone whose sense of having a life or an existence is conditional on having someone right there with you or having something going on -- when your DH wasn't there, you sought out contact with someone else you knew on an intimate level. You love the anonymity of MN and the internet, and maybe you thought FB contact could be similarly intimate, direct, and almost impersonal at the same time. But that contact was bound to be fraught and complex and emotionally charged, and it also left you wide open to the kind of bitter, aggressive reply you got.

An autobiography, which is also intimate and yet public and to some extent anonymous, your whole life 'out there', might not be the way to go. The instinct to try to make sense of it and gain a sense of 'being' apart from the drama and the physical presence of others is a good one here, but best to try to sort it out through good counselling.

Everyone in school knew you were besotted with a particular teacher. Your mum knew you had sex on a muddy path with a random bloke from a club at 17. All your flatmates knew you were having sex morning, noon and night, very much 'in their faces'. TMI for all concerned, too much left for others to digest, not enough seeking or guarding of privacy on your part. You said you liked sex and the feelings of intimacy it created, yet a lot of it was in public and with strangers, and some of it even hurt. There is a huge amount of contradiction and contradictory behaviour here. You managed to be simultaneously public and completely anonymous in your sex life with all those strangers; a lot of the incidents you recount took place outdoors, and sound downright dangerous. You do have a strong self-destructive streak, and sexual acting out was the way you chose to express that. You need to find out why. You left yourself terribly vulnerable, physically, sexually and emotionally in everything you mentioned.

What were you looking for in and from all those people who knew the most intimate details of your life, from your schoolmates to your mum to the flatmates (x 2 in the case of the flatmates)? What were you seeking in all the frantic drama and the pain you allowed others to inflict on you, and then went out looking for again? Although you are living a different sort of life now, it really is still the same life, and you are still the same person.

I wish you all the best in trying to sort things out -- I hope you'll consider therapy. I think there's a lot of unresolved pain in your life.

its probably best to leave your past in the past where it belongs; it seems unlikely that you will get the apology(forgiveness?) you are looking for, so it really is best to draw line under it and be satisfied that you are a different person now with more than enough self respect for who you are now, to need someones forgiveness for the past.

Ignore your old housemate it really doesn't matter, it would be great if you could have an adult conversation and discuss the past rationally about both your behaviours but you need to accept that this is never going to happen.

I think you could have been shown more kindness on this thread. I don't think many posters understand where you're coming from at all, I believe I do.

I was a little like you when I was younger, in self destruct mode whilst wanting to 'fit in'. My family life was nothing like my peers and so was living my new adult life with no guidance and support at all, with no firm foundations to grow from.

I count myself lucky that I met my DH when I was 17 and believe he saved me from myself. I feel a lot of hurt, guilt and shame when I look back but I have learned not to do that so much and now put all my energy into creating a life for myself that I can be proud of. In fact I made that promise to myself when I was around 20 and have stuck firmly with it and know I always will.

Meant to add, I hope you can find some peace within yourself about this and move on. We put so much emphasis on trying to understand our past behaviour and I don't believe it is always necessary.
So you didn't live your student days as you wish you could have, EVERYONE makes mistakes, forgive yourself, draw a line under it and live your life for NOW.

Hmmm, just to answer some questions. My Mum knew i had been up to no good and actually asked me if I had had sex. With regard to the teacher scenario, I felt so strongly I just couldn't keep it to myself. I discussed the email with a workmate because I needed to talk about it. Is that so odd or unusual?
Apart from that I will leave it there. Thanks to the odd few for your compassion and also to some of the honest replies. They have made me think. At the risk of doing a lady Macbeth however, I am not mad! I did see a psychiatrist when I was 16 and he said I had a mild personality disorder. I will think on but meanwhile have to go and get on. Thanks everyone for your constructive and not so constructive advice.

I think CM that discussing that with a work colleague, if you explained properly what it was about, is a case of tmi really and not very appropriate unless you are very good friends. I think maybe that you say earlier that you feel like telling your colleagues what you used to do as they think you are boring that you might needto look at why you discussed this at work and be honest with yourselk about your motives.

Also at 17 I most certainly would not have told my Mum what I was up, even if I had been up to no good she wouldn't have known about it. I'd have come out with something along the lines that I was staying with a friend. No way on earth would I have admitted to sex in a field.

We've all (well most of us) done things in the past we're ashamed of but they contribute to the people we are today. I personally enjoy the calm times and feel glad that I've moved on from my younger, more stupid self.

Sorry, havent read all replies.

OP - the guy sounds like a prick, forget him.

The thing that strikes me is that you still seem to have a very low sense of self worth and actually care what these guys think of you and want their 'forgiveness' even after all of these years.

I really think you need some help to put these demons to rest. Chasing up ghosts from the past to make yourself feel better is never going to work. If you feel disgusted or ashamed if your behaviour as a young woman, deal with that. It's your issue. own it, deal with it and then maybe you'll be able t move on.