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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I just need to accept that I was a Slut?

315 replies

cheekymonk · 01/03/2010 20:27

Evening All! I am happily married with one ds now but back in my uni days I was very promiscuous and did sleep with over 100 men roughly. I used to have to get really pissed to have the confidence to approach anyone (mainly due to being fat). I was lonely and although I had made some friends, I wanted a boyfriend too and in my warped mind sleeping with someone and being wanted for all of 30 mins or if I was lucky, the whole night was the next best thing.
I lived with 6 male housemates at the time who were appalled my behaviour. I did have threesomes/forsomes (and a fivesome too I think!) which was what pushed them into really despising me. One night I brought someone back, he went then I went back out and brought someone else back. It is shocking and I was out of control but those housemates were so vile.
I ended up recently sending a message to one of them on facebook. I wanted an apology but have today come home to this
"It has been a long time - 13 years in fact, which i why suddenly recieving this from you scares me that you have gone to the lengths to find me. Obviously some deep seated resentment there that you probably need to get off your chest/deal with through professional help. Either way - yes behaviour to you may not have been entirely appropriate, but my did you deserve it. Hoping to find brother figures? WHy on earth? I cannot imagine why you, a second year, felt the need to take a room with six male 4th year students. Most 2nd years got digs with friends they made in the 1st year...!!!! To refute some of your allegations about us. 2 of us had girlfriends, neither of them cheated on them. The rest of us, me included, enjoyed a significantly lower level of "single life" than you did - as you said it's what people do at uni...mainly with students met at the Student's Union", though, not with sailors they pick up in Joanna's night club. While I am all for enjoying the single life, both for men and women - you took it to such an extreme. 2 guys in one night I recall...one at about 1030 and then you going back out to bring another one back! Another stealing my bike from the hall! I hope my thoughts about the way YOU behaved are clear. I may have been a little immature back then and yes, 13 years is a long time. But do I have any regrets/would I behave differently to such a prolific enjoyment of the single life as yours now - I doubt it. I trust that I will not hear form you again."

I feel so gutted and worthless, just like I did then. I sincerely regret raking up the past. I am trying to understand now WHY I behaved so badly and try and reconcile the past but am having trouble.
Any thoughts? Do I just need to accept that i was a total slut back then??

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 01/03/2010 20:30

He sounds like a total jerk.

If one of his other (male) housemates had behaved as you did, slept with as many women as you did men, would this guy be arsey about it, or high-fiving him and cheering him on?

I really don't get why he is still angry with you, 13 years later, for the fact you had a lively sex life.

thesouthsbelle · 01/03/2010 20:32

agreed, was he always a pompous ass who was self righteous?

EcoMouse · 01/03/2010 20:37

Cheeky, you might feel the need to reconcile yourself to some aspects of your past but you do not need to justify yourself to a pompous f*ckwit that you happened to live with over a decade ago.

Don't let his opinion (based on some of your behaviour over a decade ago!!) damage your path to acceptance and healing.

He sounds like he has issues, I don't like the tone of his response to you at all! Switch to 'ignore'.

EcoMouse · 01/03/2010 20:38

X posts TSB, pompous is the word!

devilsadvocaat · 01/03/2010 20:42

"It is shocking and I was out of control but those housemates were so vile.
I ended up recently sending a message to one of them on facebook. I wanted an apology but have today come home to this"

what did you want an apology for?
i don't get it.

PortBlacksand · 01/03/2010 20:43

And all the details he remembered.....he's the one with the problem believe me.

Your story is not unusual - many of my uni friends did similar (i was the boring one).

jenduff · 01/03/2010 20:44

Agree with previous posters, very pompous - you don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

Block him

BariatricObama · 01/03/2010 20:44

sounds like you are a pita to live with. why the hell did you contact him?

BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou · 01/03/2010 20:45

cheeky, you dont need this man to tell you ANYTHING!!

you are a different person to what you were 13 years ago and it only matters what YOU think of yourself now.

we all have pasts. we all have regrets. we learn and grow and hopefully for the better. your past makes you who you are today and only you know what that is. dont allow someone else to tell you who or what you are.

BariatricObama · 01/03/2010 20:46

sorry meant were not currently a pita

IvanaPavlov · 01/03/2010 20:46

How cruel of him! Please ignore his superior tone and comments - what makes him so innocent of any wrong?

Frankly, we've all done things we're not too proud of. The difficult thing is to stop torturing yourself but you really must. You were young and insecure and in desperate need of reassurance.

Don't beat yourself up. You're not a bad person and the fact that you feel such guilt only proves that further.

Ignore that silly arse - sounds like he has a pole up his backside!

maristella · 01/03/2010 20:46

you need to stop punishing yourself right now! please! or maybe i should start punishing myself?
you had low self esteem, you wrongly thought that by being available to men might just love you for it. you were young, please forgive yourself. and please stop seeking further punishment and / or acceptance from this joker who cannot give it to you.
forget about other's opinions of you, they are ill informed, and start to forgive yourself. start by accepting that yes, you did things you regret (lots of people have regrets!) and that you did these things because you did not value yourself highly enough

dogfish · 01/03/2010 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou · 01/03/2010 20:49

also to give you a bit of perspective.

you asked for an apology from one person. one person who you already knows had a problem with you in the past.

one person with a problem is not a true representation of what all the people you knew then thought of you.

Blu · 01/03/2010 20:49

It doesn't matter what he thinks, he had no right to judge you then, he has no right to judge you now. He should be ashamed that he treated you badly back then.

You have worked out exactly why you focussed on sexual relationships. Concentrate on building up your self-esteeem, and leave this git behind you. For what it's worth, you have developed a degree of maturity and self awareness - he is clearly stuck in his judgmental self-righteous past.

devilsadvocaat · 01/03/2010 20:50

but cheekymonk says she wanted an apology from him? or did i read that the wrong way? what is the apology for?

MuthaHubbard · 01/03/2010 20:50

why did you contact him? whatever you did or didn't do in the past is none of his beeswax really unless he helped you hide the bodies

damnedchilblains · 01/03/2010 20:50

Why did you move in with them in the first place. Did you have no friends back in uni? Not a judgement, just picking up on something that he said. It doesn't seem like you have dealt with the way you were back then - and it doesn't seem like you like the person you were back then. So why did you contact them demanding an apology?

Personally if I was sharing with a person who kept bringing random men or women back to the house I don't think I would be to happy and as he said, one of your partners stole his bike (did you replace it?). I'm not saying his behaviour was justified, but what type of response did you expect?

It also sounds like you made some allegations against them which isn't the way to get an apology from somebody.

I think you should get some counselling at the end of the day they are in your past, forget them they are seriously not worth it. But get counselling for yourself. If you had said you slept with all these people and you were proud of it then that would be fine but you sound really hurt and sad, even depressed. Get some counselling to get over what ever it was that made you act like that and then get on with the rest of your life, enjoy your son and your husband, nobody else matters.

Lulumaam · 01/03/2010 20:51

why would you want to get back in touch???

sounds like you were miserable and didn't like your housemates

sounds like some of your beahouvour was not very pleasant, and might well have pissed them off

bringing a myriad of strangers back to a shared house , leading to theft of a bike.. not surprised you did not get a nice repsonse

why would you dig this all up and ask for an apology?

i am afraid oyu have to reap what you sow, you behaved badly, they ddin't like you , why should they apologise after so many years>...

did you really expect anything else , if you were never good friends before?

sorry you feel hurt.. you were young and single, and had lots of sex, but that impacted on other people, having group sex and bringing all sorts of people back to a shared house is repulsive to some poeople.

were you a slut? i'm not making that judegemnt call, but it's not behaviour i would say was particularly virginial!

Ewe · 01/03/2010 20:51

I don't understand why you contacted him, what did you genuinely expect?

wilkos · 01/03/2010 20:53

ok he is a dick

but why did you send him a message?

I fell out spectacularly with four girls I lived with nearly a decade ago and my god it hurt, still does sometimes. They were bitches and severley f*ed me up for a while.

But would I ask them for an apology - NO WAY. Because i know I wouldnt get one and it would rake up some feelings for me I don't particularly want to revisit, which is what i imagine you are experiencing right now.

I console myself with the knowledge that must KNOW that they were bullies back then, and if they have grown up to be reasonable people they no doubt feel mightily ashamed of themselves

you don't need this guy to apologise you need to forgive yourself first, we have all done stuff we are ashamed of

Lulumaam · 01/03/2010 20:54

you know, i had a housemates mates at uni who did make things difficult with their partners.. had one whose partner would stay in our house all day, haeting on, lights on, using the phone, etc.. total PITA.. and another who's random blokes would use all our toiletries and leave everywhere a mess..

the noise and intrusion of group sex and a lot of strangers would have pissed me off even more

this housemate you contacted won't care that you had issues, all he'll remember ishis bike getting nicked and all teh noise and aggor

if you are happily married and have a child you need to close this chapeer of your life, accept that you pissed some people off and move forward

am still a bit stunned you wanted an apology off him

perhpas you could share your email to him, so we can gauge his reposne bnetter/

morningpaper · 01/03/2010 20:57

It sounds as though you made their lives miserable by bringing random men back into their house

Being a slut isn't really anything to do with it (not that I would use that phrase) - you just had terrible manners and made them feel nervous in their own home

My time at uni was also extremely destructive but I have take the approach of apologising profusely to everyone else who attended and having therapy

damnedchilblains · 01/03/2010 20:58

what is pita?

Lulumaam · 01/03/2010 20:58

pain in the arse.

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