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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to get this off my chest

55 replies

NeedaScream · 28/02/2010 16:57

Not really something I can or want to talk about it RL.

It is probably going to sound worse than it actually was but it is upsetting me and I need to move on, just hoping that writing it down anon will help me really. I am a regular but name changed for this.

A couple of days ago, DH and I were messing around, he got rather horny (I didn't), he tried to go further but I wasn't interested. I thought I'd made it clear but obviously not clear enough, he carried on but after a few seconds realised what he'd done was wrong, stopped and apologised. He still apologising and said that he's ashamed, offered to sleep on the sofa. I've told him I know he's sorry but that he's hurt me and scared me and I need time, he's said to take as long as I need but now I think he;s scared to come near me as he doesn' want to upset me.

I just don;t know how to move on. Its totally out of character, he's not done it before and is genuinely sorry and upset but its scary knowing that there was nothing I could have done to stop him if he wanted to carry on, I felt completely helpless for that couple of seconds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needascream · 28/02/2010 17:52

Bump - was kind of hoping for some support and reassurence that everything will be ok

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 28/02/2010 17:55

Depends how far he went and he didn't stop when you told him to?

Flightattendant · 28/02/2010 17:55

I'm sorry you are going through this, you must feel very alone.

How long have you been with DH? Has anything happened recently that might account for it - had he been drinking perhaps,

I can't really think why else someone would do that.
Hope someone can reassure you as someone is bound to have been there before.

take care x

Flightattendant · 28/02/2010 17:57

He did stop of his own accord eventually though it took a few seconds...that's good anyway.

It's just a shame he didn't stop when you asked him to.

Original poster
Needascream · 28/02/2010 18:00

Lets just say he went too far and didn't stop straight away but he did stop as soon as he realised I wasn;t joking and has been feeling like shit ever since.

We've been together about 15 years, nothings happened, he was jsut feeling horny in the morning, we've had a lovely ime of it recently and rather than having sex, we made love properly the other day and I think he was remembering that.

There have been timew when I've not really been up for it but he's very nicely pursuaded me and I've changed my mind, I think also that is what he thought.

The thing that scares me most is that if he wanted to (he wouldn't, you should see him now) he could have carried on and theres not a thing I could have done to stop him.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 28/02/2010 18:08

"he did stop as soon as he realised I wasn;t joking and has been feeling like shit ever since"

Therein lies your answer I think. Play fighting can get out of hand. Stop torturing yourself and stop him torturing himself. Neither of you have done anything wrong here (based on the details of your OP anyway)

"The thing that scares me most is that if he wanted to (he wouldn't, you should see him now) he could have carried on and theres not a thing I could have done to stop him"

He did stop, he didn't rape you. He is still the same DH he was the other day. Don't let your imagination run wild here. I think you need to keep this in perspective

BrahmsThirdRacket · 28/02/2010 18:12

Agree with Pheebe. I know it was scary but try not to overthink it. He sounds really sorry, and probably feels like shit. I have had this too, playfighting getting out of control.

Original poster
Needascream · 28/02/2010 18:29

Thanks guys - thats probably what I needed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Needascream · 28/02/2010 22:22

But why do I still feel so shit?

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 28/02/2010 22:45

Because it was a bit of a shock. I do know how you feel, but it's important not to let it get to you too much. He really didn't mean it (by the sounds of it). I might be wrong, but I would say the sooner you can 'get back on the horse' and snuggle up with him (make it clear before no sex) the sooner you will feel better. Maybe you can agree that the next time you have sex it has to be instigated by you. He won't mind

Flightattendant · 01/03/2010 13:10

Has he shown any other signs of not listening to you, ignoring your requests, being overbearing or cruel?

These could be indications that your instinct needs listening to.

I can understand how you feel - years ago I had a boyfriend with whom I slept several times. One time we kind of pretended - not entirely sure why, or how we got there iyswim - that he was in control, and I was 'helpless'. (sounds weird, but I think it was actually my idea )

anyway for a few moments it was rather exciting, then we both felt distinctly uncomfortable with it and stopped.

I never thought he would have forced me, at all, but he used to scare me in other ways - he seemed to have a rather aggressive streak and told me he had once broken a girlfriend's rib by chucking a workbench at her (she provoked him, apparently)

When it got to the point where I dreaded telling him anything - and he went abroad for a short trip, and I dreaded him coming back - I knew it was time to finish it.
That scared me too. But he didn't retaliate, as it were.

My point being that some guys just give you that feeling you are not safe with them. And imo when it is like that, you need to remove yourself from the relationship as swiftly, breezily and safely as possible.

But if you have been with this man for 15 years and he's never shown any signs of being dangerous or deranged then you are probably Ok.

loopylou6 · 01/03/2010 15:57

Im sorry, but I dont see what the big fuss is about.

He is your husband of 15 years, You were both having a playfight, he got a bit randy, and stopped when you asked him.

You say you feel bad because you say you couldnt of stopped him, and if he chose to he could of raped you, OF COURSE there would of been things you could do to stop him, but you wouldnt use physical violence on him, because you know deep down it was never his intention to hurt you.

I think you need to give the poor guy a break, hes obviously feeling terrible, and probably very upset that you would think he would be capable of abusing you.

SallyJFreedman · 01/03/2010 16:51

the distinction needs making between your fear he WOULD not stop, and his actual ability and willingness to stop.

If he had posted saying that he had been unable to stop himself, I'd have been very concerned...but he did stop, he was able to - it wasn't that he understood you meant stop, then was unab;le to resist carrying on - it was that he misunderstood, or perhaps was not altogether focused - but he stopped as soon as he realised you were serious.

Perhaps you are worried he knew beforehand but is lying, and that he only stopped for fear you would get angry, maybe? Or that there was a delay between him wanting to stop, or knowing he should, and being able to - iyswim.

Original poster
Needascream · 01/03/2010 19:28

Thanks for your support and advice.

You are right this is totaly unlike him and he did stop (eventually) however loopylou I think you are bang out of order.

Maybe I didn't describe what happened properly, but it was not a play fight. We were messing around, he was horny I (thought I'd) made it clear I wasn;t interested, he carried on. You say "OF COURSE there would of been things you could do to stop him" I'd like to know what, he's 17st, I was on my tummy, him on top, I tried struggling and saying no, that didn't work. He stopped when I made myself go limp, then he realised he;d gone too far.

It might have only been a few seconds and I realsie that he is upset and ashamed, but I need to work out how to move on. It hurt (have a slight tear) and scared me.

Do I think he's capable of abuse? No. Do I think he's capable of raping me? No. Do I think he'll do it again? No. However for that few seconds I wasn't sure, he wasn't my DH

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/03/2010 20:00

Fucking hell. That sounds really scary I would be feeling exactly as you did I think. I first thought 'let it go, most men could rape you if they wanted to, doesn't mean they would', but your description sounds bloody awful. Was it anal? (slight tear) because that's even more scary.
I'm sure you will forgive him and he'll never do anything like it again but of course you have the right to feel shaken and upset.

lisasimpson · 01/03/2010 20:00

so what were you doing 'messing around' if you were not play fighting?

Original poster
Needascream · 01/03/2010 20:04

No it wasn't Kat and thank you for understanding how I feel.

Lisa - OK he was messing around and it first it was funny, but I don;t want to go or need to go into total details. Lets just say when he made it clear that he was up for more, I though I'd made it clear I wasn;t.

OP posts:
Flightattendant · 01/03/2010 20:09

Needascream,. I'm really sorry, from your description of what happened and the fact you struggled and he didn't stop - yes, I would be more than a little worried.

I would not be having sex with him again for a long time, if at all...I would probably also not want him in the house, not at night anyway.

I'm so sorry.
It sounds much worse than in your OP.

Isthere someone you can tell - I mean, someone like a close friend who would support you, or your mum perhaps etc.

Original poster
Needascream · 01/03/2010 20:14

Flight, thats the reason why I didn;t put in all the details in my OP cos it does sound worse that it is.

I know I'm probably not making much sense now!!!

He is sorry, he won't even come near me at night now and belive or not thats worse, all I need is a hug but I can;t ask for one (am too proud, stubborn and stupid )

He immediately offered to sleep on the sofa - again not needed. He has never done this before and am positive wouldn't again, he won;t try to instigate anything, it will be up to me and even then I knwo he will check and be extremely gentle. So don't worry, I know I have nothing to be scared of now.

My problem is I need to get past this and I don;t know how to.

OP posts:
kimtwin · 01/03/2010 20:29

There are times in our lives when we all behave in ways we wished we hadn't. Times when we look back and think I can't believe I did that or if i'd engaged my brain i would have done differently. And there lies the truth ( i think). Things that make us act without thinking....pain, anger, drugs, alcohol, strong emotions, sexual arousal. He wasn't thinking because he was so aroused and the minute he put his brain in gear, he stopped.
It sounds scary for you but also like hes frightened himself too. Think you both sound like you need a hug

AlisonOrdnung · 01/03/2010 20:31

Please ask him for a cuddle. I'm sure you will feel a bit better and he'll feel more like your DH again when you're in each other's arms. Your experience sounds very scary, but you sound like you believe that he is sorry. In this situation I think I'd need a cuddle to be able to start to work it out. It sounds like he needs to be invited to come near you as well. I hope it all works out for you x

Flightattendant · 01/03/2010 20:33

I'm relieved you think you will be safe. just concerned that you don't seem to feel it.

This could be shock but tbh there are sometimes instincts we don't fully understand. Take a good hard look at the rest of his behaviour - as I thinkyou probably will be doing now this has happened - nature's way of making us take stock perhaps.

There could be other flags that you have not been aware if until now.
Generally if we have a strong feeling of fear or discomfort, it is for a reason.

Don't ignore it but just start thinking, and looking, and noticing - and if you do have any concerns about any other aspect of his behaviour, don't ignore it x

MuzRM · 01/03/2010 21:37

You know him really well. Deep down you seem to know it's not how he came across. His behaviors was based on previous play fighting and he stopped as soon as he realised it wasn't.

Just take small steps, start with the cuddles and keep remembering you do know who he is.

Original poster
Needascream · 01/03/2010 22:33

Thanks again everyone.

I promise you Flight, I know I'm safe, just need to find a way to talk to him properly really and get a hug!

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 02/03/2010 19:14

How are you feeling about it now, OP?