Need to get this off my chest

[NeedaScream]

Not really something I can or want to talk about it RL.

It is probably going to sound worse than it actually was but it is upsetting me and I need to move on, just hoping that writing it down anon will help me really. I am a regular but name changed for this.

A couple of days ago, DH and I were messing around, he got rather horny (I didn't), he tried to go further but I wasn't interested. I thought I'd made it clear but obviously not clear enough, he carried on but after a few seconds realised what he'd done was wrong, stopped and apologised. He still apologising and said that he's ashamed, offered to sleep on the sofa. I've told him I know he's sorry but that he's hurt me and scared me and I need time, he's said to take as long as I need but now I think he;s scared to come near me as he doesn' want to upset me.

I just don;t know how to move on. Its totally out of character, he's not done it before and is genuinely sorry and upset but its scary knowing that there was nothing I could have done to stop him if he wanted to carry on, I felt completely helpless for that couple of seconds.

Was beginning to feel better, we kind of held hands in bed before Ihad to get up early today, but then I had a phone call at work (he's on his way up norht for a coupdl of days) and he suggested coming home early or not going at all. He sounded really upset and I was the one who was calming him down and syaing that we would talk properly when he came home.

So cos I was reminded of it I've been upset pretty much all afternoon at work and not able to tell anyone why. Also I'm pretty pissed off that he did this and yet I'm the one reassuring him that everything will be OK - WTF!

I suppose at least its been acknowledged that we need to talk but I don;t want to be the one to back down on this and try and make him feel better even though I know this is hurting him, I'm the wronged one here - or am I being unreasonable?

Thanks for asking. I have a friend coming over later, she's pretty sensible and level headed, I'm just worried that she'll take it the wrong way ifywim, well you probably won't cos I bloody don't!

Needascream - it's difficult from this end to help, because (understandably) you don't want to give us too many details, so it's hard to know exactly how it happend, what was said, how it started, what he actually 'did' especially as the way you describe it changes (also understandably as you want us to understand without laying out the details so you keep trying). So either you can tell us the details (you are really double anonymous at the moment you know!!), or we can just keep trying to help but sometimes getting it wrong

TBH from what you have written I think that you do need to give your DH a break. He sounds sorry beyond words and what more do you really want from him? If you don't move past this, and quickly, it's going to cause a much bigger problem in your relationship than it deserves to. He made a mistake, it's one he's not going to make again, he wants to help, he wants to make it up to you - he wants to love you.... what else do you want him to do?? [I mean this with a not a ]

I understand that you were scared - but it was unintentional. Yes, he's a big bloke and could rape you if he wanted to - but in 15 years he hasn't - he loves you. He read the situation wrong once, in 15 years, he carried on for seconds longer until he realised you were serious/not into it - seconds.

Once, when I was with a guy I'd been with for a couple of months, I found myself in a situation where I panicked, he had me tied up to his bed (seemed like a bit of fun when we started!!) but I got scared, no-one knew I was there, I didn't know him very well etc - but at the same time knew I was being silly, I got him to stop, but it took a couple of minutes to make him realise I was serious and I was scared, I wasn't just playing along.... then when he did he was all fingers and thumbs and couldn't find the keys (yes ) and I was shaking by the time it was over, he was mortified I'd been so upset by it as it was just meant to be a bit of harmless fun - I think I made it a bit worse by telling him that it was just that I didn't know him that well, so didn't know him well enough to know he would stop.... we talked about it for a couple of minutes, both apologised, cuddled, talked about other stuff and went to sleep...

I am struggling to understand why this is so much 'bigger' for you than it was for me at the time. You say it wasn't as bad as you'd made it sound, but on the other hand you don't seem to want to forgive him? Is there more to this than you have said? (not that you have to answer that, just think about it!). That sounds like I think we should all be the same and I don't mean it like that, not at all, and I really feel for you if you are still upset/worried/scared/angry - I just can't, from what you have posted, quite understand why.

You have been with him for over 15 years - don't let a few seconds spoil your relationship x

Well I've had a good chat with my friend who has realy helped. She agrees with us bith Chipping and has hopefully helped me put it into words.

He has fucked up, but he is human, this is not his nature and he is really sorry. The trouble is when he is upset my natural instinct is to make everything better for him and I can;t do that this time, I just can;t. I need him to make me feel better and reassure me that it was a blip on his part.

Maybe this is bigger for me because I know him so well and never thought him capable of ignoring me saying no and he did (not for long I know but he did) and I am left feeling very vulnerable both physically and emotionally.

Its not that I don't want to forgive him, I do, but I need to know how to get past this and I think talking when he gets back will help and making him aware that I can't help him feel better other than accepting his apology, he needs to understand why I'm so upset and that he has crossed a line. I can;t just pretend it hasn't happened and carry on as usual, but I know when confronted with him in tears I will be the one reassuring him and that makes me feel angry and and I know I'll resent him for it and nothing will be better for me.

I know I've probably not made much sense, on the one hand I'm saying its not as bad as it sounds, on the other I'm obviously still really upset, but I am finding it difficult to write everything down. I don;t want anyone to think bad of him (not that any of you know him).

Anyway, its been an exhausting day, I think I need to get some sleep. Thanks again, this has been helpful x

Am I missing something? He stopped when he realised you wanted him to stop, it just took him longer to realise than you'd have wished? If that's right then I really think that you are overreacting.

Yes zookeeper you're missing something, so sorry if I not made it completely clear to you.

well I obviously am. Poor chap.

Sorry, you were play fighting and he went a bit far. It sounds to me as though he thought you were still play fighting when you struggled and said no. He then realised that he made a mistake and stopped. He now feels like shit and you are making sure that he continues to do so. Fact is that as soon as he realised you were serious, he did stop. He is apologising, giving you time etc and yet you still seem to want him to do more!

I am sorry that you have taken it like this, but I really do think you are taking it further than it needs to be, unless of course there is a history. Nut from your OP, I really do think he has done all he can to re-assure you. And in future, don't get caught up in that kind of horsing around since you didn't make yourself clear on this occasion, I don't think you should risk putting either of you through this type of situation again.

• but, not nut!

Sorry to hear you are feeling so awful about this OP, it's hardly surprising. Quick question - do you often/ever "play around" with you saying no while actually being into it, to both of your knowledge? If not (I suspect not) it sounds like he needs his boundaries redrawing WRT the word "no" and consent. He needs to remember that no matter how long you've been together you need to actually consent to makes it sex, rather than rape. You need to talk to him and outline what behaviours mean go ahead, and which means stop. You would think he would sodding well know by now but still.

He realised you meant no and stopped.

He is not a rapist.

Frankly, your over-reaction to this is bonkers.

He is totally feeling shit about upsetting you. Not the reaction of a bad man, and getting all precious about it is a bit insulting to people who have actually experienced actual rape, I'm afraid, including myself. I'm sorry, but this has rather pissed me off. Please don't equate your experience to a violent assaukt, because it just wasn't.

Harsh, but it needs to be said, I think.

NeedaScream, your second to last post, after you'd spoken with your friend, makes perfect sense.

You shouldn't feel you ought to be helping him feel ok about this! Seeking so much reassurance from you when you have your own feelings to come to terms with is asking a bit much.

Your priorities sound spot on to me. Get yourself to a comfortable place and enter discussion with him when you feel ready.

Make clear to him that he needs to respect your space and need to work through this in your own way and time.

It may be a good thing that he's away for a few days?

I'd recommend a women's self defense course. Not necessarily in direct relation to your DH's behaviour but to help allay some of the fears tied in with experiencing that kind of vulnerability.

(Actually, I think all women should access the basics in self defense but I'm an instructor, I would )

needascream, I think I understand where you're coming from with this in that I had a sort of similar experience the other night with DH. Different in that I didn't ask him to stop because I just wanted him to get on with it and get it over, but he was hurting me without knowing it. it was actually quite intimidating because, although I could have said something I don't know whether or not he could have stopped, he was so deep into his own "thing" at that point, he didn't even realise that he was being, can't think of suitable words, overbearing I guess.

Anyway, he was mortified and upset when he did finish and apparently I looked up at him with a scared little face, obviously upset and said "please don't do that to me again".

It was scary, it wasn't how he normally is, it seemed to have accessed some bestial part of his brain that was taking him places he doesn't normally go - but he too is deeply upset that I was upset by it.

I have consoled him, but made it clear that he is never to do that again - he has promised that he won't and if he had realised it was so upsetting for me at the time he says he wouldn't have continued.

I don't know if your DH was the same, but I think it can be an issue that people can get so deep into "the moment" that it can be hard to switch off immediately - your DH sounds properly upset that you are upset, so it's not likely to be a problem in the future - please give him the benefit of the doubt this once and work to the principle that he is never going to do it again because he doesn't want to upset you like that again.

Not sure if I've helped at all there, just wanted to let you know that your reaction isn't all that strange under the circs.

Why make her feel worse, guys? It was a mistake, it scared her badly, it's causing marital problems and she's asking how to get past it. Telling her to 'get over it' is hardly helpful.

Needascream, I'm so sorry it happened. It must have been scary. Even such a brief period, there's a moment of horror where you realise that what you want and what you're saying are just not being heard, and you can't stop this happening if he doesn't...

But it does sound like a genuine mistake, as I'm sure you know, and your husband is reacting really appropriately IMO.

As for 'of course you could have stopped it' from loupylou - she's wrong, and veering dangerously into rape myth territory.

How do you get past it? I think you two need to try some gentle intimacy. Like, just having a hug. And if you feel okay with that, try a kiss. Take it as slowly as you need to - it was scary for both of you. I'm sure your husband would like to be cautious for a while as well. Just be nice to yourselves.

OK lets clear up a few things here.

We were not play fighting, he was messing around, when his intentions became clear I said no. Fact its Sayithowitis, he didn't stop when I said no and in my mind it was clearly obvious that I didn't want to do this. It might only have been a few seconds later but it was enough time for me to be scared and hurt and get a small tear. I know I didn;t make that clear in my OP, I was tryng to protect him as I didn't want anyone to accuse him of rape because that isn't what happened.

I have never said that this is rape and how dare you accuse me of insulting those who have been, I'm sorry if you have been offended BOF,but I can't see where I have likened my experience to a violent assault. You can't tell me how I should be feeling when something happens to me. There is no competition where someone can stand up and say well I feel worse than you becasue this happened to me. And for information I have been sexually assulted in the past (but this has nothing to do with that) and do you know what, this has upset me more because it was my gentle and loving husband and I have never felt unsafe with him before.

And in answer to your question Elephant, no we don't often have games where i say no when I'm actually into it. As I've said before there have been the odd times where I've said no and I've had my mind changed very nicely and gently - this was not nice or gentle.

Quick question to a couple of you, you say its OK cos he stopped when he realised I was serious, what if he hadn;t realised for another couple of minutes - would that be OK? What if he didn;t realise until he'd come - would that still be OK? The fact is he didn;t stop when I said no quite clearly, I don;t know why, maybe he didn;t hear me, I will hopefully find out tomorrow.

You say that I want him to do more than give me time and apologise, not sure where I've said that, all I want is for him not to expect me to reassure him, I'm the one who needs his reassurance here, I need a hug from him but for whatever reason have been unabel to ask. Sorry if you can't see or understand that.

Once again thank you for the supportive messages. Ecomouse, we will have a good chat when he;s back. Thumbwitch sorry to hear you had a siliar thing happen - they are such shits at times aren;t they!!! Tortoiseshell, you are right, I do need a hug from him now, we'll see what happens on Thursday.

I think to be fair that some of the misunderstandings are coming from you saying you were 'messing around' I understand you don't want to go into details but I think most people are thinking that means play fighting? You can't really blame people for not understanding you when you're not being clear, though I understand why you are not being clear

I hope you can both resolve this soon and move on into happier territory

Thanks for answering my question NaS - FWIW I think it's really out of order for people to be telling you to get over it while coming on with the "poor bloke" comments, YES he is upset but so are you, plus you have a physical injury to cope with. I have never had a tear from sex, and think that's a clear sign that he went way way too far.

From what you are saying above about his behaviour afterwards, it sounds as if he was the one offering to stay away etc - do you think he was scared at what he had done/his potential? You are/were trying to downplay the time it took him to stop, because you don't want us all to call rapist at your DH. BUT you said no, then he went ahead and stuck it in anyway (guessing and graphic, sorry), then it took a "few seconds" to stop him, and you had to play dead. Scary experience, and what some people are saying is a fuss about nothing is anything up to a minute of unwanted sex. Bet it felt like forever however short a time it took.

I had a similar-but-different experience not long ago, but in this case we were both very tired and then I actually fell asleep while he didn't realise and carried on regardless for what was probably about 10-20 secs. All that mattered to me was that I "woke up having sex" IYSWIM and felt absolutely sick. My DP stopped instantly when he realised what had happened and reacted much like yours but to a less serious extent. The needing lots of reassurance rings a bell. I comforted him about it for a bit but started to feel fuming inside because I was the one it had "happened to" and I was scared and upset however accidental the circumstance. What helped was discussing together exactly what had happened and how, until we both felt better about it, and talking about ways of making sure it would never happen again. Also after a while I just came out and said how I felt, something along the lines of "I know you didn't mean to hurt and scare me, but how come I'm the one trying to make you feel better, when I'm the one it actually happened to? I just need you to hug me and say sorry and everything's alright." He got it, and we got back to normal v quickly. If he hadn't managed to snap out of needing reassurance and look after me a bit, I think i would have felt bad for ages.

Sorry for epic post.

Elephant you have got it spot on and I may borrow some of what you've said!

Immortal, I know I initially said about us messing around but I did make it clearer later that it was him messing around and why I said what I did.

Anyway, this has helped thank you, he's back tomorrow night and we can hopefully talk through it then.

Glad you've got some beneficial comments/advice at last, Needascream - was quite at some of the responses on here beforehand. I should have said that DH did apologise profusely and give me a cuddle to reassure me at the time - it was next day that he told me he was still quite upset about it, which is why I consoled him - I don't want him to get a fixation on it as an issue. If it ever happens or looks like it's going to happen again, I will speak up at the time though.

I hope you get the hugs and reassurance you need from your DH tomorrow and that you can talk it through to a good conclusion.

Maybe you would like one man's opinion. (I'm a dad of 3, married 19 years).
Guys find it much harder to engage their brain and step out of a situation once they're aroused. We become very single minded with orgasm as the goal.
It seems like it was an unusual situation for both of you.
As you said, he stopped when he realised and has been apologising and trying to make amends ever since. He's taking this very seriously.
Can I suggest a tool you could use?
Imagine the issue is on the sofa opposite you and you;re both able to discuss it. Keep away from "You did this and I feel that" to "what happened wasn't right and it made me feel x y and z. How do you feel? How could we make sure we understand each other better?"

Seems you could both benefit from a wider discussion about sharing your feelings, communicating and developing (and regaining) trust.

He sounds like a good guy.
sure he's scared you but I imagine he's really scared himself too.

I'm sure you;ll work through this both together. Let him know you;re committed to him and to developing your communications and he'll reciprocate.

"And in future, don't get caught up in that kind of horsing around since you didn't make yourself clear on this occasion, I don't think you should risk putting either of you through this type of situation again." - sayithowitis

What the FUCK? He is her HUSBAND. She shouldn't have to avoid 'putting herself' in any situation with him. There should be 100% trust. I literally cannot believe you said that.

OP I am sure having a proper conversation will sort it all out. My experience wasn't as bad as yours - basically, we were playfighting, he was tickling and biting me (well nibbling) he got a bit carried away and was too rough. I shouted at him to stop, but he thought it was just because I was really ticklish and didn't. I ended up bursting into tears, and then he did stop. He felt really bad about it, but kept saying 'But I didn't mean to'. Maybe irrational, but the 'I didn't mean to' really annoyed me, because I wanted there to be no 'but'. In the end he did apologise completely and we had lots of cuddles and it was fine. So I can understand how 'touchy' one can be when you feel your personal space has been invaded (or worse). I think when he apologises completely and without reservation, you will feel a lot better. Then baby steps back to intimacy. It's awkward that he has gone away now, because it gives you time to overthink it (not the actual experience, that was really scary, but his intentions). I second what the last poster said, sometimes men do get carried away and in the 'zone'. He may literally not have heard you. DP has been quite rough during sex sometimes and done some unexpected things (!) but luckily none of them have made me feel vulnerable. He realises afterwards that he may have overstepped the mark.

Your experience does sound really scary, much worse than mine. I hope you are feeling better physically.

Troll

oh how very helpful of you intercoursethepenguin, NOT

Oh theres always one isn't there - piss off intercourse.

Right sayithow it is, should DH and I now sleep in separate beds then, that'll really help me move on and our marriage- what a stupid thing to say.

Looks even more like a troll now

What on earth would make anyone think this is a troll? Hardly sensational stuff is it? And lots of other posters myself included have chimed in saying that similarish things have happened to us, so not exactly a scenario from Crazy Imagination Fairyland.

Hope you get what you need from DH in terms of talk and comfort, NaS. Let us know how it went if you feel like it.