Would you leave your dh because of your ILs even if you loved eachother and didn't want to split?

[scardypants]

I'm in IL hell

It's so f**ked up I can't even get it typed out without going round in circles but the gist of it is I've been living a nightmare for the past two years and today I'm as close to breaking point as is gets.

They hate me. They can't see past the fat, stressed out, juggling mum and assume because I don't have time for weekly facials and hair appointments and new clothes, cook a homecooked meal everyday and pop out perfect little heirs to the throne they think they occupy that I'm just a waste of space that they smuggly look down their noses at just to keep the baby son happy because 'god love him, he doesn't realise he's made an awful mistake'.

I brought a dd from a previous relationship into this relationship and moved her from her own family to live in a new house built on their land and while dh loves her and has treated her like his own since the beginning she is treated, by them, very different than the natural children and it's breaking my heart. All she wanted was to be the same, to have the same name and fit in, she's 9 ffs but she can see through the same crap I can and it's turning into a daily trauma just to live here. She fights with the other grandchildren and all the IL's think it's my dd who's the problem. There's so much more, I'm just rambling now.......I can't think straight, I'm so f*king hurt that they could treat my dd like that. I don't care what they think of me because I know and accept why I am the way I am and though I have been lazy with exercise and the like I think I've done very well over the last two years to just be alive today so f*k being fat, it's the least of my worries.

It all came to a head last week. We both work shift and MIL looked after dd at night if needed so that was the plan last week only when I got to the house the rest of them were there and it made dd uncomfortable because she knew she was outnumbered not only by the grandchildren but by adults who always took there side if there was fighting over toys, tv whatever so I took dd back to the house and said I would bring her back in a half hour. I didn't say why but said dd wanted to spend the rest of the evening with me as she wouldn't be seeing me until after school the next day. I didn't think I was in any way rude but concede I may not haven hidden my stress very well and come across a little abrupt.

Dh gets a call later to say I was rude. So that was the beginning of the end for me. I have never been anything but polite, I have corrected dd for things that the others were allowed to do because I knew a blind eye was turned to the precious ones and anything dd did was noted and the topic of another backstabbing orgy over morning tea the following day, I have made myself available for shopping, minding babies, helping in any way I can just to be accepted but it's all been taken for granted while the back was torn off me behind closed doors.

Sil is too stupid to realise from the comfort of her recent alliance that she's on the receiving end of MIL's bitchfest most of the time but MIL turns on the 'sweet' and makes dinner, babysits and generally makes herself indisposable on a daily basis that SIL can but use her and so it goes on and on and on and on..........

I thought I might feel better having a rant but I don't I just feel angry, upset and most of all I feel like I've let dd down by bringing her into a situation like this.

I've told dh I'll leave. I love him with all my heart but I cannot live with his family (we live right beside MIL and BIL&SIL) and despite the fact that I know I'm not in the wrong I feel like I'm the one causing all the problems because I'm an overprotective mother or a drma queen who won't bend over and take it up the ass any longer from these pretentious and hurtful people. I've told him they can have him back because that's what they want, us gone, him with someone 'mouldable' but he says he loves us and wants us to stay a family but I don't know how to get passed all this.

They didn't come to visit when I lost a baby last year and they didn't ring the day we got married. We had planned a big wedding but had to cancel everything when I got pregnant and when we lost the baby we decided not to plan anything big again just incase we were lucky enuft to conceive again so we married in a registry office and invited nobody. We did that because our families are so big we were bound to hurt someones feelings by inviting a select few and we also didn't have much money because we thought we might be going for IVF but that was seen as a shun from me and I've never been forgiven or accepted as DH wife just a thing that will eventually go away.

I own my home that I left when I came here and it's vacant at the minute so I could go back but it would mean uprooting dd again and she's only just settled into this new house and has friends over. I told her this was her 'forever home' after 9 years of house and county hopping and it would break her heart and possibly affect her to adulthood with another tramatic uproot, back to her old school.

I don't know what I expect anyone to say really I just havn't got many RL friends here that I can talk to.

So many spelling and gramatical errors in that, sorry.

What does your dh think? Any chance you can all move away? Living in the lap of your ils is always going to be difficult, even without personality clashes/stepkids/grudges.

My dear I've no experience but I didn't want you to go unanswered.
I really feel for you. I think it would be quite hard to live so close to your own family, let alone someone else's.
Do you think that perhaps, before anything drastic happens, you DD and DH need a break somewhere, just the three of you? Even if it's only a day. It must be so hard to try and deal with this when you're on top of teh Ils all the time.

But please please don't do IL's job for them by thinking or saying it's a choice of grin and bear it or leaving altogether. May be you can talk to DH about moving a little further away, going away more often or him talking to his parents, because this arrangement isn't working. All options on the table.
Anyway, lucky dd to have a mother like you who looks after her and defends her.
Good luck, keep posting.

Your DH needs to step up to the mark. You cannot be expected to live like this, He needs to get himself a back bone and support you his wife.

I would be demanding that your DH moves back into your old house, or you will leave him.

Can you get some time away over Easter as a family? I don't see how you can really make a decision what's best whilst living in the pressure cooker.

You are clearly near the end of your tether and your DH needs to understand that you need some space from his family.

Does your DH like being so near his parents?

I just never understand why people have so much to do with inlaws.

TBH I'm lucky, we've always lived hundreds of miles away from both sets of parents so it's pretty much a couple of w/e visits a year which makes it bearable.

I think you need to get a LOT of distance (not necessarily geographically, just practically) between yourself and your inlaws to the degree that you occasionally meet up for lunch, say once every 2 or 3 months, and in between your dh can phone his parents from work for a chat maybe once a week.

There's way too much interaction in your scenario by the sound of it.

Gosh, a lot going on there.

Are you in a different country?

Could it be that the bickering/taking sides/competing atmosphere comes naturally to your ILs cos they are used to living near each other? Is your family similar or very different? It might be that what you see as malicious behaviour is pretty normal for them and they can cope fine. Am always suspicious of the received wisdom that you have to live independently of each others' families, as some people manage it well.

The q is what is best for your family (including your DH)?

Wow - so sorry to here this - I too have a very dodgy mil and even though she lives abroad her influence is HUGE. I would never live anywhere near her or even in her country as it's isn't big enough for the both of us.

You need to move away with your DH. Is your dh relationship OK? Why does he want to live on family land (are you in the UK?- I've never heard of family land here).

You have property - can you get a job back where you are?

You sound so desperate - the basic fact it's not nice to be under the influence of anyone outside of your marriage and this is where issues with ils can be difficult.

I think you need to leave the ILs rather than DH!
Can you suggest it to him? He sounds like he loves you and your DD. He really needs to get away from the apron strings and you need space.

I'm not surprised you're going mad. Being under constant scrutiny and criticism is unbearable. And very unfair on you and your DD.

Thanks so much to all of your for replying.

DH is devastated. He can see how they have treated us and he knows that's their way. I don't know how he came from the same family but if I can give credit to MIL for anything it's for raising a son like him.

He's been livid all week and has made many attepts to go up and talk to them but I've stopped him. I don't like confrontation or bad feeling and I'd hate to think he'd have a roaring match with them. He keeps saying we're staying put, it's our life and our home and we can live here without living in their pockets but it's the bad vibes for the last week that have driven me to this point. I hate avoidance of it all but I'm afraid of a massive row. I know I'm not making much sense, I just don't know what to do.

We could move, I was almost packed the other day but dd would be horrified. She'd rather stay and have her pals and forget them than move back to the old house. It would also be a logistical nightmare with work. I've spoken to my mum and she is prepared to come the hours drive to look after dd when needs be so we wouldn't have to depend on MIL for anything.

I'd do anything for dd, including staying here and seeing them everyday at least until she was old enough to understand why I was moving her again but I'm afraid that would be the wrong choice for her in the longterm.

Will she hate me more for moving her again from friends, school, a bigger house or for forcing her to live with people who she knows too well don't want her.

Should I let dh go up and get it all out in the open and let mum mind dd and just keep our distance? I don't honestly know. I'm rambling again, sorry. My head is up my * today

We're not really in a position to go away, we havn't even got our kitchen finished in the new house so saving every penny for that.

My first post was quite bitter towards the other children but really they are nice kids. I know all children fight and I also know dd is no angel it's just the fairness thing, she deserves to be treated fairly but the adults are showing the other children that they can get away with murder and dd will always get the blame so they're just following in their lead.

I think your DH is right. Stand up to them! You may find that if you fight back your ILs will respect you, if that is the dynamic you're working with. And if they don't then tough.

I've been battling with that all week, stand up and if they don't like it tough shit but then I back down because I'm afraid of a nuclear fallout.

I suppose it is the way they are and I'm not used to it. They fall out with eachother, give it a few days and then pretend nothing happened. If it works for them fine but even when there's no big arguement with us they're condecending and hurtful.

I live in Ireland. I feel a lot calmer having posted and reading your replies so thanks again.

The prob with getting advce from strangers on the Internet is that we are going to tell you to go for the nuclear option!

I still think you should unleash your DH. Otherwise you're kind of telling him that your relationship isn't worth fighting for. It isn't you and your dd against the world any more - it's you and your family.

Good luck

EP that's made me cry but also made me feel stronger. You've hit the nail on the head.

I've felt from the day she was born that it was me and her againt the world. Her dad is a whole other post and topic. I know dh loves us but I always feel it's still me and her no matter how hard he tries. Your post has made me see I need to let him be my husband and dd's stepdad. I've spoken to him and he's going to her house this evening when he gets home. I'll post back tomorrow.

Thanks for taking the time to chat to me.

Good luck
[sends tin hat for scardy's DH]

what a stressful situation

I think you've had some excellent advice above. Your DH needs to deal with this. Hope he can get somewhere with his family.

Good luck!

Can you not at least move off their land?

Or half way to your mum?

Thanks for the tin hat!

It's land that was gifted to him by his father so it's his now and we've got a joint mortgage for the house we built on it. Nothing for nothing eh? Whilst we're very lucky to have gotten it and grateful, it feels like we'll be indirectly 'paying' for it forever.

I think that even in the most harmonious families, living near each other is just a recipe for disaster.

You need to move house. As a family.

Your DH says 'this is our house' but it doesn't feel that way to you, does it?

As another poster said, I will never understand why people have so much to do with their inlaws. You need to minimise contact with them, and plan to move away so that you can live on your own terms.

I think you letting DH be valliant and ride up there and tell them how it's going to be is actually exactly what he needs to do, for himself as much as anyone else.

If they go ballistic and it gets worse, seriously, you, DH and your DC need to leave. You have somewhere to go, so you are not beholden to them.

As for your DD, she knows the score. The current uneven treatment/prejudice of her will do her more harm in the long run. Better for her to see that her parents won't stand for bullying and mistreatment. She's only 9, she'll make lots of new friends when she changes school in a couple of years anyway.

Rent out that house next to them... ideally to the neighbours from HELL... [evil cow emoticon]

All the very best of luck to you

valiant... gah!

All I can think of which perhaps isn´t much help is see as little as possible of them and arrange childcare other than MIL.

My husband always said the only thing that would split us up were his parents-we´re abroad now

Scardy - yes it's not a one way street - if you love your husband and he loves you and your dd - you must let him. Then let him deal with is family - you can always go back to our house if need be.

Respect = respect whereever you are. Please do not focus on your weigh - you are more than the sum total of your looks whether you are thin or fat. I'm sure this pressure is making you want to eat more YOu are a mummy and doing your best for your family - weight is not the priority but your health physical and mental is.

You sound lovely. I hope you have a lovely life.