Would you leave your dh because of your ILs even if you loved eachother and didn't want to split?

[scardypants]

I'm in IL hell

It's so f**ked up I can't even get it typed out without going round in circles but the gist of it is I've been living a nightmare for the past two years and today I'm as close to breaking point as is gets.

They hate me. They can't see past the fat, stressed out, juggling mum and assume because I don't have time for weekly facials and hair appointments and new clothes, cook a homecooked meal everyday and pop out perfect little heirs to the throne they think they occupy that I'm just a waste of space that they smuggly look down their noses at just to keep the baby son happy because 'god love him, he doesn't realise he's made an awful mistake'.

I brought a dd from a previous relationship into this relationship and moved her from her own family to live in a new house built on their land and while dh loves her and has treated her like his own since the beginning she is treated, by them, very different than the natural children and it's breaking my heart. All she wanted was to be the same, to have the same name and fit in, she's 9 ffs but she can see through the same crap I can and it's turning into a daily trauma just to live here. She fights with the other grandchildren and all the IL's think it's my dd who's the problem. There's so much more, I'm just rambling now.......I can't think straight, I'm so f*king hurt that they could treat my dd like that. I don't care what they think of me because I know and accept why I am the way I am and though I have been lazy with exercise and the like I think I've done very well over the last two years to just be alive today so f*k being fat, it's the least of my worries.

It all came to a head last week. We both work shift and MIL looked after dd at night if needed so that was the plan last week only when I got to the house the rest of them were there and it made dd uncomfortable because she knew she was outnumbered not only by the grandchildren but by adults who always took there side if there was fighting over toys, tv whatever so I took dd back to the house and said I would bring her back in a half hour. I didn't say why but said dd wanted to spend the rest of the evening with me as she wouldn't be seeing me until after school the next day. I didn't think I was in any way rude but concede I may not haven hidden my stress very well and come across a little abrupt.

Dh gets a call later to say I was rude. So that was the beginning of the end for me. I have never been anything but polite, I have corrected dd for things that the others were allowed to do because I knew a blind eye was turned to the precious ones and anything dd did was noted and the topic of another backstabbing orgy over morning tea the following day, I have made myself available for shopping, minding babies, helping in any way I can just to be accepted but it's all been taken for granted while the back was torn off me behind closed doors.

Sil is too stupid to realise from the comfort of her recent alliance that she's on the receiving end of MIL's bitchfest most of the time but MIL turns on the 'sweet' and makes dinner, babysits and generally makes herself indisposable on a daily basis that SIL can but use her and so it goes on and on and on and on..........

I thought I might feel better having a rant but I don't I just feel angry, upset and most of all I feel like I've let dd down by bringing her into a situation like this.

I've told dh I'll leave. I love him with all my heart but I cannot live with his family (we live right beside MIL and BIL&SIL) and despite the fact that I know I'm not in the wrong I feel like I'm the one causing all the problems because I'm an overprotective mother or a drma queen who won't bend over and take it up the ass any longer from these pretentious and hurtful people. I've told him they can have him back because that's what they want, us gone, him with someone 'mouldable' but he says he loves us and wants us to stay a family but I don't know how to get passed all this.

They didn't come to visit when I lost a baby last year and they didn't ring the day we got married. We had planned a big wedding but had to cancel everything when I got pregnant and when we lost the baby we decided not to plan anything big again just incase we were lucky enuft to conceive again so we married in a registry office and invited nobody. We did that because our families are so big we were bound to hurt someones feelings by inviting a select few and we also didn't have much money because we thought we might be going for IVF but that was seen as a shun from me and I've never been forgiven or accepted as DH wife just a thing that will eventually go away.

I own my home that I left when I came here and it's vacant at the minute so I could go back but it would mean uprooting dd again and she's only just settled into this new house and has friends over. I told her this was her 'forever home' after 9 years of house and county hopping and it would break her heart and possibly affect her to adulthood with another tramatic uproot, back to her old school.

I don't know what I expect anyone to say really I just havn't got many RL friends here that I can talk to.

Forgot-if they really do want to split you up-don´t let them "win".

Scardypants I have been in almost the exact same situation as you. I know what hell you are going through.

We used to live next door to IL's and they hated me and my DC's too. They did everything in their power to make me feel like a total unwelcome outsider in the hope that I would take DC's and leave.

IL's especially MIL really had something against DD, I think she was jealous that I had a girl and she didn't. DH is an only child. MIL would just ignore her. She also would say things to people that I knew about DS that he was a 'devil's child'. She also used to call him a 'bad 'un' in front of me too.

I stuck it out there because I have a stubborn streak and I knew it would give them great pleasure if I left. That's what they were aiming for after all. Like you Scardy I was quite often so close to packing my bags. The nearest I got was after one incedent where we had my parents staying over at Christmas. We'd all been invited (by FIL) for drinks on Boxing day. MIL had her sister and neice staying. To cut a long story short MIL and her sister made it quite clear that me, my parents and my brother were not welcome (luckily DC's were with their dad). They were unbelievably and blatantly rude to us, so much so that my parents packed up and left that same night. I cried and begged them not to go and leave me with those people.
DH and I had an almighty row which IL's obviously heard and they revelled in it. I had my darkest hour that night after sinking nearly a whole bottle of neat vodka.

After that my parents said they would help me with the deposit on a house to get me and DC's out of there but my stubborn streak took over because I wasn't going to let them win.

It wasn't until FIL came to our house slagging me off to DH infront of DC's that DH could actually see that we really needed to move. They didn't take too kindly to it as FIL stormed into our house accusing me of all sorts of things, shouting at me and calling me names.

We haven't actually had anything to do with them for nearly 3 years now and it's bliss although I'm pregnant with Dh's first child so they are trying to weedle their way back in. I don't have a problem with it as long as DH is in control of the whole situation.

Scardy think of it as a blessing that they weren't involved in your wedding as my IL's turned up and made sure everyone knew they weren;t happy about the marriage. Oh and they ignored me and my family all day.

I had to change DD's school when we moved next to IL's and didn't want to put her through another upheaval so we moved within the same area so could stay at the same school.

Can you do the same? You do really need to get out of that house Scardy. I know it's probably not what you want to hear but this situation won't get any better.

Oh and forgot to say that when we lived next to IL's I put on loads of weight. Think I must have done a hell of a lot of comfort eating.

please don't let these toxic control freaks wreck your relationship!
you deserve to be happy so get yourself, dh and dc's well away from these fools and enjoy your life.
you don't have to move too far to start feeling happier

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your MIL sounds very much like my grandmother - except it wasn't just my mother she had a problem with, but women in general.

My parents' marriage didn't survive and my dad's mother had a lot to do with it. Not so much what she got up to, but the fact that my father pretended not to understand and would never take his wife's side, regardless of how unreasonable or spiteful his mother was.

Please let your DH confront your ILs, they need to see you as a unit, that when they insult or belittle you and your DD, they are doing so to their son as well. I understand that you don't want to move because of your DD, but perhaps being uprooted will be less tramautic than constant friction or even a separation of you and your DH.

So sorry I'm only coming back to the thread now, dd's pal called over with her mum last night and dh arrived home as they left so got right to talking about the whole thing.

I feel much better today thanks to all your replies and the chat with dh. He didn't go to see her lastnight. He isn't going to approach her first because, knowing her, she will see it like we are more upset not having her in our lives everyday and desperately want resolution, she wouldn't see it any other way. She has made several phonecalls and sent texts to dh asking how he is and he has given short but polite answers but now he's going to wait for another one and then tell her not to contact him again until she has the decency to accept how she has made me and dd feel and apologise to us and also to him for having no regard to his family and choices. We're also staying here. It's our dream home and dd loves it as much as we do. She's had a lot of upheaval in her short life and she deserves the stability that I promised. She deserves roots and the chance to build on what she's gained already, friendships, confidence and her forever home.

I had a good, long chat with mum too and she's definately going to look after dd so we won't have to depend on MIL for anything. She did point out a few home truths too though which wasn't easy to hear but I know she was right. I definately comfort eat and loose myself in tv just to avoid feeling the hurt. I know there's more to me than they see and I'm over their narrowminded and shallow opinions. Ultimately they are jealous and like my need to over-eat and hide infront of the tv they avoid dealing with their own crap by belittling and hurting other people. I'm very over weight and unhealthy and I want to be around to see my child grow up and have a happy marriage so as from Monday, no diet but no crap just healthy food and a walk every day. I really feel like I can do it this time too.

You're right groundhogs, he needs to say his piece just as much for himself as for us. They have no respect for him, seeing his laidback attitude as weakness rather than just easy-going. Mil won't know what to say when he talks to her next.

MP, thanks for sharing your experience, I can really relate. Glad you got away and are happier now.

SA, for a long time dh didn't see what was going on but it was more their sneaky way of hiding it from him than ignorance on his part. When I'd tell him something that happened he would explain it away like I had picked it up wrong, it was infuriating but they got lazy and slipped up enough times infront of him that he couldn't not see it.

So it's onwards and upwards and hopefully I'll be posting back here in a few months asking you all how I can explain a hugh cc bill to dh for all the new clothes I've bought for the new slimmer, happier me

I love MN. Thank you all so much.

Just read this thread. You sound more positive today and in charge of the situation. Good luck with the healthy eating - one in the eye for the ILs but do it for yourself too. best of luck.

Been lurking here.

Well done for your new resolve. I sympathise witht the weight thing - I do the same, but have just started a new "regime." Nearly a week now but feel better already. Isn't there a weightloss section on here that might give additional support?

But what I wanted to say was that your DD might find it easier to cope with the toxic ILs if she knew that you (and DH) see the problem and agree that it's most unfair. That's not to give a green light to unccecessary bickering, but it might help her cope when something does kick off; you know, "it's them, not me."

And you must minimise all contact with the ILs. Just because you live close does not mean you have to live in their pockets. Establish some distance and keep them at arm's length.

Sorry if you're already doing some of this. Good luck.

I'm glad your DH is standing up for you - you must let him continue to do so. Establish some new boundaries, within which you feel you can cope.

But like the others say - don't let your IL's opinion of you influence your self esteem. They sound toxic and their opinion is irrelevant.

Good luck Scardy I hope it all works out. It sounds like you have got a good plan worked out and with DH on your side is even better. I just wish my DH had had the courage to stand up to his parents sooner and we could've been living in our dream home too. Oh well we are much happier now without the IL's and that is all that matters.

I agree with clam you must minimise contact with them but it sounds as if you're doing that already by getting your mum to look after DD instead of MIL.

Cheers Aleene, it really is for me. I feel so much freedom from just changing my perspective. For so long I told myself 'I can't cope' but I can and I'm worth it and my family are worth it. I want to feel good about myself. I want to live a long and happy life and I'm in the driving seat. Nobody else can make me do it only me (with the help of my co-pilots, dh and dd!)

I never looked after myself. When dd was born I stopped caring about how I looked or what I wore or what I ate. It was all about dd and I didn't want it any other way. When mum could see the weight piling on she would say I must put myself first or I wouldn't be around to see dd grow up but still I couldn't see what I was doing. I worked hard, I lost friends, I never went out and was single for 3 yrs because nobody else mattered except dd, including me. I was going to be the best mum in the world, it was my lifes mission to make her happy and teach her all she needed to know........but I fucked up! With all the best intentions in the world I've given her the wrong message and despite trying to teach her self-worth, self-esteem, self-respect and to carry herself with pride I've taught her that when we have children we give up all that and give all of ourselves to our children. I've given her the ingredients for her very own guilt complex so that she can blame herself for what her poor, hard-done-by mother had to do to make ends meet but I can stop that mess ever stewing if I show her now that women are resilient and can still take care of themselves and anything life throws their way. I'm not sorry I put her first, we all do it but I'm sorry I couldn't manage life as well as I should have and shown her that woman and mothers are capable of immense love and strenght. She will learn most of what she brings to adulthood from me and I want that to be positive. I want her to love herself but I have to walk the walk and for the first time in a very long time I feel I can and I want to.

Clam well done starting the new regime, good luck. You're right about what we're teaching dd. Like I said above I know I need to send her positive messages and a lot of it is not necessarily talking to her but showing her what is acceptable and what's not. I've had a little chat and she also seems relieved that dh and I are 'handling' things and all will be ok.

Kiwi, I've finally realised that today. I'm not going to let them occupy any more of my headspace. I could sit for days worrying or hurting over something they said or did while they were oblivious and getting on with their live. I put my life on hold and let it get out of control because I let it all get to me but I'm taking my life back and I can't wait.

It's amazing how you can be alone in a room with your computer and feel like you're surrounded by people who care - thank you

Sorry mampam, took me so long to type my last post I didn't see yours til now. Things may not work out how we plan but like you said, even if we move eventually from our dream home the real dream will be a happy life with people who love us and that's the most important thing.

So glad I won't have to worry through a 12hr shift anymore about dd and what she's going through. The relief!

Good luck-I'm sure a positive attitude is half the battle.

bloody hell, so many errors again

Cheers PM, heres hoping

Totally agree with Clam, in the short term you need to emotionally distance yourself from your ILs. Its not working for you, so don't put yourself, and more importantly your children, in that difficult situation.

I grew up in the same road as my parents and grandparents, and know that it can cause a lot of stress. But I also know that just because you are physically close this does not mean that you cannot lead independent lives from each other - in fact, I think it is essential to make living nearby work.

If you can, try to arrange alternative childcare and friends so that you are not dependent on your ILs for childcare. Get some afterschool play dates or clubs going, so that you are not dependent on them socially. Get yourself a good social life, so that you are busy and happy. Cut back to seeing the ILs to a basis that you are happy with, and perhaps only when DH is around, so he can field anything that you find difficult to deal with. I think at the same time, perhaps you need to talk to DH so he knows full well how you feel, and how he can support you with your ILs. You need to work together on this.

Good luck.

My god scardy, you hit a few nails on the head for me there....

I'm not a single mum, but may as well be, DH takes hands off to an art form, so I've made my whole life around DS... you are right, it's wrong, I have a lot of re-thinking, positioning to do.... oh cripes, I'm going to have to engage more with Mr HandsOff aren't i?

LOL, we need to have couple time first and foremost, and I need to lay off the food too...

Gonna dust off my Davina DVD tomorrow when they are all out!

Good luck scardy!

Cheers Groundhogs.

Davina lurks somewhere in a dark corner of our house but I'm not worried about her, she has Rosemary, Janice from Corrie and a few others to keep her company!

I'm sweating buckets at the moment because dh got the txt we knew would come and he's just headed out the door to mils house now. I feel physically sick, ye know that horrible knot in the stomach and heart in the mouth feeling? Bloody awful!

The last few days have been rotten having to drive past their two houses coming and going from work and dd's school. Heads dramatically turned away from us if they're in the garden and other childish stuff. Proves my point though that she would eventually txt dh. She can't bare to not be talking to him and see the apron strings loosen right before her eyes.

I feel sick.....

Just wanted to say good luck Scardy

I'm so pleased your DH is stepping up for you. It sounds like you both need to set some boundaries with these people. I hope it goes well. Fingers crossed for you!

Thanks YouKnow

Felt like he was gone an eternity but he was back shortly after 7pm. He pointed out all the things that have happened over the last two years as well as the last incident....why she has lots of pictures of the other grandchildren all over the house but not one of dd was a big one and she had nothing to say except to admit that she could see how dd would be hurt by it. There was loads more but I won't bore you with all the ins and outs...the upshot was she got the message and finally understood that it wasn't just me and dd who felt hurt.

He said she owes me an apology so she's calling to the house when I get home in the morning I'm shitting myself but I'm going to hold no punches. I'll be polite obviously but I'm going to reiterate what dh has told her and explain how we've been feeling. The last thing I want is all out war so hopefully a little honesty and assertiveness will pave the way for a more harmonious (sp?) existance.

Must go, work at midnight. I'll post back tomorrow after the 'chat'! Fingers crossed.

i've been lurking, just had to say well done to your dh and good luck to you in the morning

That's brilliant. DH has done fantastically

I hope tomorrow goes well. Just keep stressing that it's not about you, it's about a poor little girl who doesn't understand why she isn't being accepted. DD deserves a hell of a lot better! It's time they realised you are all DH's family now and they have to like it or lump it.

I've only just seen this thread scardy. I hope that tomorrow morning goes well, and that this is a turning point for you.

How did it go?!

Thanks Goddess, Eglu, YouKnow

Well she didn't show up! I sat with that sick feeling until midday waiting for her but I kind of expected her not to come. She eventually rang and said she was going out and would call later but I've told dh to tell her not to call because I don't want dd overhearing our conversation. She probably thinks I won't say what I have to say if dd is around and so the whole thing will blow over and because we'd have broken the ice with a visit and a cuppa it would leave me at less of an advantage of bringing it up again. I probably sound petty now not letting it go but I really feel I have to stand my ground before we can get past all this.

I was thinking of writing her a letter. I know that sounds a bit crazy as she only lives at the top of the lane but as I was sitting her this morning feeling anxious and worrying if I'd stay composed or fall to pieces before getting my point across I thought if I wrote it all down I could take my time to properly express myself without fear of being cut across or blubbering half sentences.

Still undecided so I might make an attempt at it later and see how it all looks on paper

Been doing well with the healthy eating. Porridge sucks but it stops me picking til lunchtime. Making a nice soup this evening, a joint effort with dd, she loves to cook. She didn't get it off me mind, this soups about the only thing I know how to make!

I have to say all your posts have given me strength and helped me to stay positive and I really appreciate all of them. I have a wonderful friend here but she's got a lot on her plate at the moment too so I've t.............................

OH MY FUCKING GOD SHE JUST WALKED IN THE DOOR.....................................................................

Crap! Hope it goes/went ok.

Bloody woman with her stupid petty power play

If you don't say everything you need to then writing a letter might be a good idea. Even if you don't give it to her it will get your thoughts straight. Make sure the focus of it is DD's welfare and hurt, and how important it is to your family (you, dh and dd) that this all gets resolved!