if you hated smoking would you date a smoker

[sparkybint]

I've got a first date tomorrow with a guy who smokes. Met him online and overlooked in his profile that he smoked and only noticed after we'd established a really nice email/phone thing. He told me he'd been to his GP about giving up and been referred to a cessation clinic, so I thought I'd give him a chance.

Smoking is usually an area of zero tolerance for me and the thought of kissing a smoker disgusts me. If we hit if off, do I make it plain to him that I can't bear smoking and it's a real turn-off (I'd choose my words carefully of course!). I'm concerned that if he tries to kiss me I'll just recoil so maybe I should say something before that possibility arises. Or I suppose I could say let's reschedule our date for when you've given up!

I did...he gave up...we've been together 22yrs

I think you are wrong to date him, sorry. He put that he was a smoker in his profile, if it matters that much to you, you should have double checked before you answered. You haven't even met him yet so you have no right to tell him what he can and cannot do.

I would tell him before you meet that you find it repulsive. Give the guy a chance to go on and meet someone more tolerant. If he still wants to meet you then he is at least forwarned.

No. I just couldn't. I struggle to be around anyone who smokes. I grew up in a chainsmoking household and couldn't believe how much healthier I felt when I left home. If you can't imagine kissing a smoker I don't think the relationship stands a chance.

NO !!

You can't expect him to give up.

Either accept him as a smoker or don't carry on with things.

I'm an ex-smoker and hate it, btw, but I would never put pressure on anyone to give up.

Make it clear to him you hate smoking, but don't be surprised if he then says, let's not date. While you don't like smoking, it's not illegal and you have no right to tell him what to do.
THough you might want to bear in mind that you will not be 'surrounded by smoke'; when with him as there is hardly anywhere a smoker can smoke indoors - and if he goes outside now and again for a fag that won't kill you.

Forgot to add that dh was a smoker when we met but he lied and told me he wasn't. He didn't smoke on the days when he saw me, and apart from the teeth which were slightly discoloured I had no idea. Eventually when we were on holiday years later he caved in and I caught him having a quick one on the balcony. I was upset that he had spent years smoking in secret and it caused a few problems as once it was out in the open he thought he could continue to smoke in my presence. He wasn't a heavy smoker and eventually gave up quite easily.

Eve, yes I should have checked but when I did, I already liked him! I then pointed out to him how much I disliked smoking because I knew it had to stop there.

I thought he'd say that was a shame but OK and move on. But instead he came back and said it had prompted him to do something about it and he really wanted to meet me. That's my quandry...

Hypocritical ex-smoker here - no I can't stand the smell

You have not even met him yet and you are already wondering about what will happen next?

OK, you didn't realise he was a smoker but I think it is a bit too early in a relationship that has not even started yet, to ask him to leave it.

Go to the date, find out if you can eventually tolerate smoking. It may be the case that you don't like him for things totally unrelated to smoking or that you fall for him in a way you can't notice he smokes

Would I date a smoker?
No, because he and I and the house/car etc would smell.

Would I date an ex-smoker?
Yes, why not?

Would I date someone who was in the middle of trying to give up?
Errr, maybe. Depends how much I liked them and if I believed they actually wanted to giveup for themselves.

Ok, so you really, really hate it? Then don't do it. It can cause huuuge preoblems, trust me. I met dp when i was a 10-20 a day smoker. I knew that he disliked it, but in the new flush of love it's quite irrelevent isn't it? The thing is tho, he could never change his hatred of it and as time went by he whinged more and more about it. I always felt like: I smoked when I met him, he excepted it then and was peed off he was trying to change me. I resesnted him for that, he resented me for not giving up, blah, blah, blah. I fell pg 5 years in tho, and gave up then. I still smoke when i go out- which he knows, and sometimes when he goes out and kids are in bed- which he doesn't know.
I've changed loads for my current life with him, kids etc and smoking occasionaly is my little piece of freedom He would kill me if I ever took it up again properly and I have to say- even tho I don't think I ever would- that is still a bit of a bug bear on my part.
So don't do it, unless you are prepared to put up with it, make some ground rules that he can only do it outside etc and stick with them. Don't think you can change him tho.
Good luck!

No I wouldn't date a smoker.

I wouldn't, no. There is really little chance of a successful relationship if you start off with this big "thing" hanging in the air.

Don't feel bad about it - it was a simple mistake, overlooking his smoking status. Just explain and apologise.

if you feel that strongly about it then no.
beacuse it will cause problems down the line.

No probably not now. My DH used to smoke but before he met me. If we broke up it would be a no no really. Everybody is different.

Mongolia - wise words.
Serendip - glad you've come to some sort of
agreement.

I would really like to meet him, we've both agreed that what we're looking for is friendship first so if that's the case I don't have to snog him anyway! Maybe that way I could give him support while he's trying to give up. Don't know...

Yes, certainly I would. I have known some fantastic people who smoke/d, some of the sexiest men I've known, and I lived with a wonderful bloke who smoked and although he had to actually do it outside or in his own room, he never tasted bad.

I miss him

Normally I cannot stand cigarette smoke, though have occasionally smoked myself.

I have never smoked, hate it with a passion.

My DH smokes, never in the house, or anywhere closed in, never in front of the children etc. If it weren't for the fact he disappeared into the garden every evening I probably wouldn't know! He washed his hands as soon as he has finished and I don't smell it on him.

IF he had told me on our first date that he smoked I may have never gone for a 2nd but that would have been my loss as he is brilliant in every other way.

Depends I guess on how strongly you feel about it and also how heavy a smoker the guy is. (DH literally has 1 or 2 day -pointless imo-but rather that than 20!)

Thanks Lisa and Flight.

Reality - I don't actually see smoking or someone who might be trying to give up as having a character flaw and I'm well aware that I need to keep my eyes open. But as people say, you can still be lovely and smoke.

I dated a smoker. He said he would give it up for me. I said that's nice, though I didn't insist on it and would encourage him to do it for his own health and wallet. He assured me it was what he wanted to do and that he had definitely smoked his last. The first time I walked into his house and found him with a fag hanging out of his mouth I was as furious as if I'd found him with another woman on his lap. I walked out and when he rang later to see why I hadn't been round, he said it was because he didn't want to lose me. I said he had lied to me and that was the deal breaker, not the smoking itself.

Would that I had stuck to that. He talked me round and eventually we married. He continuted to give up smoking forever about twice a year. I did keep saying, I know you smoke, as long as you don't do it in the house or around the children I can live with that, but just don't lie to me about it. He bloody did though, continually and pointlessly. It became a massive bone of contention. If I found his cigars which he swore he hadn't bought, I'd destroy them, then he'd tell me off because he would only have to waste (my) money buying more - even though he still said he had actually given up. He would come in reeking of smoke and try to kiss me, I'd say wait until the smell dies down a bit, he'd say I was imagining things because I wanted an excuse to avoid him. If I saw him with a lit fag actually in his hand, he had to smoke to damp down the hunger pangs because we couldn't afford food , and if all else failed, it was my fault because my nagging drove him to it! Let me repeat, I never asked him to give up. To this day, when I see anyone smoking I feel like I'm witnessing some sordid crime, and have to do a quick spot of autopsychotherapy.

Why the FUCK I didn't stick to my principles and tell him to do a hike the first time... ah well, hindsight is a great thing ain't it. I should have listened to my inner voice saying if he lies to you about small things, he is not someone you can trust for life.

Oh, you still there Sparky? Go out and have a good time, I'm sure he'll be lovely.

"Continuted"? er.