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Original poster

if you hated smoking would you date a smoker

68 replies

sparkybint · 24/02/2010 09:40

I've got a first date tomorrow with a guy who smokes. Met him online and overlooked in his profile that he smoked and only noticed after we'd established a really nice email/phone thing. He told me he'd been to his GP about giving up and been referred to a cessation clinic, so I thought I'd give him a chance.

Smoking is usually an area of zero tolerance for me and the thought of kissing a smoker disgusts me. If we hit if off, do I make it plain to him that I can't bear smoking and it's a real turn-off (I'd choose my words carefully of course!). I'm concerned that if he tries to kiss me I'll just recoil so maybe I should say something before that possibility arises. Or I suppose I could say let's reschedule our date for when you've given up!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 24/02/2010 11:12

I wouldn't.

I hate it.

I went out with/lived with a guy who smoked after I had been living a smoke free life for a long time (I never smoked but family and first 'live-together' partner did).

I thought I liked/loved him enough and that he had enough other great qualities to get around/over the smoking and he said he wanted to give up. It caused no end of hassle - he would go outside, but smoke doesn't understand to stay outside, he smelt smokey, his car stank, I wouldn't let him smoke in my car so he'd/we'd have to stand around while he had 1 or 2 before we went in somewhere - then he'd be going off to have another one, then he'd need one before we got back in the car yadda yadda yadda.

But the worst bit - he was a need-a-smoke-after sex kind of guy, he'd go outside - but I'd be left in bed alone and he'd come back smelling smokey! YUCK

Not again.

In your situation I would still meet up with him, but explain that you want to just be friends or whatever, but if he gives up then you can see about taking it futher. It's not about giving ultimatums, but being strong about your needs.

Original poster
sparkybint · 24/02/2010 11:20

Thanks Annie and Chipping. Think that might be a good idea, suggesting it's just friends while he tries to give up. But as someone else said earlier, there might be other things that put me off him. Or he might not even like me of course!

OP posts:
PestoMonster · 24/02/2010 11:25

no

Pwsimerimew · 24/02/2010 11:41

No!

mrsboogie · 24/02/2010 11:45

or he might be horrifed at you lying about your age on your profile and disappear off over the horizon with his arse on fire before you get a chance to say anything about his smoking!!

I would never ever date a smoker but then I am a reformed smoker myself so, if anything, probably even more intolerant than a never smoker.

However my sister who has never smoked and is very very fussy about hygiene and smells, especially in blokes, is getting married to a smoker. It never ceases to amaze me but she doesn't say anything to him about it at all. He stinks of it and his car does, she must hate it but she doesn't nag him. Must be true love.

blackcurrants · 24/02/2010 11:51

No, never! I hate smoking, my Dad has smoked all his life and failed to give up and it drives my Mum up the wall, and he coughs all the time, and smells disgusting, and so does his car... ugh, I hate it! And I told this man I'd just met (online) all about that, and he talked about how he used to smoke but had given up.

He's now my DH and had given up "that week" apparently. He tells me now that my anti-smoking militancy was what 'pushed him to really give up that time' - because he couldn't face the idea of a habit he already hated getting in the way of a second date with a new woman he quite fancied. So if you get the sense that this man really does want to quit, then maybe. But I should add that giving up is horrifically hard for some people, and the withdrawal can make them grumpy or needy or all kinds of things that might not be ideal in a new gentleman acquaintance. So... If I'd known my now-DH was still technically a smoker when I'd met him, or if his profile had said 'smoker' would I have agreed to date him? No, probably not.

Sorry this is such an essay!

GreatOrmondSt · 24/02/2010 12:13

I used to smoke when I got together with my partner and he didn't...I stopped and now I can't bear it! I can't understand how he could have dated me when I smoked...I don't think I would have gone out with him if it had been the other way round.

Where are you going on your date?

AnyFucker · 24/02/2010 15:58

sparky, there is too much pressure from you here

if you make him stopping smoking a condition of you continuing to see him, don't be surprised if he turns around and tells you to fuck right off

I would, if someone tried to tell me what I could/couldn't do before I was even in a relationship (and beyond, of course...)

it makes you sound a bit controlling, tbh

why do you jump so many steps ahead...all the bloody time, you haven't even met this guy yet, and already you want him to change his life for you

you are exhausting, woman

Anniegetyourgun · 24/02/2010 16:24

You've got to love her, though, eh?

AnyFucker · 24/02/2010 16:30

some days I love her, but I really don't like her....

MorrisZapp · 24/02/2010 16:35

Annie, you are on storming form these days. Love all your recent posts.

My mum is a smoker who would dearly love to stop. You name the motivation - got grandkids, best friend dying of cancer, can't afford a holiday - she's got it. But she still can't give up.

Giving up smoking is hard, and some people never manage it, despite really wanting to.

If you date this man then you have to accept that he may or may not give up smoking. His promises mean nowt - smoking is an addiction and very hard to break, regardless of how sincere his intentions may be.

ItsGraceAgain · 24/02/2010 16:46

Sparky, I'm a smoker but you're saying smoking is a deal-breaker for you. OK, you noticed later on ... and he said he'll try and stop then.
WTF???! You haven't even been on a date yet, and you're already trying to change him!

No. No. No.
If I went on a date with someone who hates smoking, I'd feel they were wasting my time. The fact that he's a wuss doesn't make it okay.

ItsGraceAgain · 24/02/2010 16:47

oops, AF already said it

JohnnyTwoHats · 24/02/2010 16:54

Why is everyone jumping on OP? I don't read her posts as her 'jumping ahead' dreadfully or whatever you are all accusing her of- there is nothing wrong with speculating about a new potential man. Or have all you miserable buggers forgotten that?

JohnnyTwoHats · 24/02/2010 16:55

And FWIW, I didn't read SB's post as her making her new man give up smoking- I got the impression that he was already in the process of giving up.

ItsGraceAgain · 24/02/2010 17:07

Because of this: "I've got a first date tomorrow with a guy who smokes. ... Smoking is an area of zero tolerance for me and the thought of kissing a smoker disgusts me."

Sparky didn't just say she 'prefers' non-smokers, she finds smoke disgusting. I just feel she's launching her new ship with a bloody great hole in the side! Only 25% of adults smoke now. That means there are 3 non-smokers for every one of him. When this guy finally goes smoke-free, he'll change his profile (and get 3 times as many replies.)

AnyFucker · 24/02/2010 18:31

johnny, OP has form, OK ?

JohnnyTwoHats · 24/02/2010 19:29

Although, consider this:
Up until a year ago I was a heavy smoker, had been for 12+ years and had tried to give up on numerous occasions. I gave up during my pregnancy but soon started smoking again after DD was born (not near her, obv).
I was seeing a vehemently anti-smoker about a year ago. After the first couple of dates, he said to me on one occasion 'that is the last smokey kiss you are having with me' (had literally just smoked a cigarette and kissed him, he was presumably repelled).
It was the push I needed to tip me, I gave up cold turkey and have not smoked a cigarette since. I don't think I will ever be a smoker again now, I find it abhorrent. I am still seeing the man in question but what if he had said 'no way, dirty smoker!' and discounted me because I smoked?
I think OP has a point. Does everyone's past posting history really have to be dragged up all the time, can people not just post information/opinions pertinent to the matter in hand without being bitchy?

ItsGraceAgain · 24/02/2010 19:41

I bow to your superior giving-up powers, Johnny. I've just failed (again) after less than 2 days!
Still, the cat's risk of death by frenzied strangulation is much reduced ...

JohnnyTwoHats · 24/02/2010 19:48

I tried sooooo many times and so many ways before though, your time will come! Really I think it was the push of not wanting to disgust new man. Which is why I can see the other side of this argument.

AnyFucker · 24/02/2010 20:00

johnny, you are barking up the wrong tree, honestly

there is no bitching going on here

there is history yes, of which you are obviously not aware (and no reason why you should be, tbh)

but don't tell someone they are bitching, unless you are very sure of your ground

posieparker · 24/02/2010 20:03

i would tell him that you really like him but smoking puts you off, and casually say if he ever gives up give you a call and that you know you're being unreasonable!!!

JohnnyTwoHats · 24/02/2010 20:04

I didn't point to any one person re bitching. Maybe bitching is too strong a word but I respectfully stand by my opinion- the OP has not posted anything inflammatory so why do people have to drag up the history? Move on.

posieparker · 24/02/2010 20:05

must read OP better.....don;t go on the date, it's time wasting for all concerned.

ItsGraceAgain · 24/02/2010 20:08

Johnny - she asked us to (on a previous thread). We are her virtual date-radar-enhancers!