wwifn...are you about...

[AnyFucker]

if you come on this evening, could you possibly revisit this thread ?

a poster (K) is in need of your wisdom, if you think she is ready for it

not sure myself, see what you think

you will need to scroll down to almost the end

Thanks AF. I was writing to her as you were all posting about giving me a shout! I've added something to that horrendous thread and have suggested K starts her own. Poor woman, I wish posters would think before writing such bile.

Just joined this one - probably a far better place to be. I realise that I need help but just don't know where to start. Thank you both for being so kind.

sorry to talk about you as if you weren't here, karmann

bumping this or we will be chasing each other all around the boards...

I have no experience of what you are going through Karmann, but I am sure some more knowledgeable ladies will be along soon.

I'm glad you stayed I was reading the other thread but had no words of wisdom to offer you. x

Not a problem. Grateful for your support. Hoping to become strong enough to post. Thank you so much.

Hey Karmann, just wrote something on the vile thread for you.

Have a look, then if you're up to it, come and tell us your story.

Have read it and you are so right. Have asked him to work on himself and he has realised that he really needs to.

Still feel unable to tell you my story right now - it's the length of time that it went on for that stops me. Seen other post where woman was told she was stupid to stay after such a long affair. Did you see my bit about the fact that I think he has suffered from PTSD?

am going to bow out now, karmann as I don't have any direct experience

post on this, the other, or start a thread of your own

what I will say though, if you want comments on specifics, you will have to give a few more, it is difficult to give informed advice on such little info

just my opinion

all the best to you xx

Another offering support here. The good ladies of MN got me through and are still helping me throught the trauma of my DH's affair. The first anniversaries are coming up now and loads of mixed feelings and incredible sadness (which I am sure will pass in time).

I do understand the reasons behind by DH's affair and he has made remarkable changes to himself but it doesn't take away the hurt. I am trying to work on myself too as I don't want his affair to preoccupy me like it is atm.

I was lucky that someone took me aside in RL (when it seemed the whole world knew what my DH had been up to) and told me that I had to do want I wanted and not what anybody else wanted and not to be bothered by what other people thought (her DH had also had an affair )

Take car Karmann.

I don't have any experience either but I was following the other thread and just wanted to say to you Karmann that I would be very surprised of you got judged for the amount of time you tolerated the affair. Really. The vast majority of people will want to be helpful and will know that that is not helpful.

Thank you Mrsboogie. Will write when I feel able. Didn't know about it at the time so only just found out about the length of time.

Karmann, I have absolutely NO experience of the suffering you seem to be going through. But from what I have read on this site I think it would be really cathartic for you to open up to people. Sometimes maybe talking to strangers about your dilemmas can be easier than talking in real life. And also possibly after talking on here you may feel strong enough to actually talk in RL to someone.

I wish you well whatever you decide

Yes Ineedabody you are so right. Hopefully I can do it soon. Wish I wasn't struggling so much right now. Thank you. I feel so pathetically weak and normally I am the one people turn to for advice.

Quite normal to feel pathetically weak IME - it's a bl* awful to go through what you're going through. I was just thinking today actually (apart from one thing that I can't talk about to anyone that is unbelievably worse!) that XP's affair and incredibly awful lies and bad treatment of me are the lowlights of my life and I think always will be.

Occasionally i look back at the near hysterical posts that i wrote at the time, querying if he was mentally ill as i didnt recognise him.
I also wondered if i was mentally ill.
I wondered too if hed always cheated and lied.
I then got mad. Then hysterical again.

I then spent months taking the piss out of him , in quite a cruel way really. But it helped, a lot.

Karmann.. you were wonderful to me on my thread in a different name but I messed up the name changing many times so it's obvious I think.. if there's anything at all I can do please email me, the address is on there if you'd like to chat I'll happily give you my number xx

Thank you so much - yes, I know who you are and I may well do that once the tears stop. Pretty good at helping others but not so good at helping myself.

Had been coping but just went into complete meltdown yesterday having read that vile thread.

I hope you're doing well and feeling much better.

I'm ok thanks Karmann.. taking baby steps.

I've got a big shoulder if you need it.. and an endless capacity for coffee if you're anywhere near me (London)

Karmann, I'm off to work shortly, so won't be around much today - but will be here late afternoon and tonight if you feel up to it.

Hope you slept well.

Karmann, remember that you can be as anonymous on here as you choose to be. You can change minor details that you think may identify you, or namechange if it helps. Whatever you say, nobody will be shocked - someone else will have been there, you really aren't alone.

I think telling your story would be cathartic for you, I've told so much on here that I'd never tell people I knew in RL. Wishing you strength.

What a lovely, lovely, lovely group of ladies have posted here for me. I am so grateful to you all for your kindness. Even though I haven't been able to give any detail yet you have all been so kind. Thank you so much it is helping.

I think I will pluck up the courage to post at some stage so please bear with me.

Sorry if I sound a bit gushy but as you know I am in an emotional state at the moment. Usually very strong person.

Never underestimate the grief that accompanies in fidelity. You need to be very kind to yourself honey, and seek out those who will also be kind to you. The shock will fade but I am not sure the emotion ever does. It is like bereavement you learn to live with it it does not disappear. BUT you WILL learn to live with it someday.

My advice for what it is worth is not to make any decisions, not to obsess (oh and I really do know that one is a bit tricky!), and to do something nice for yourself as often as possible. That might be a bar of chocolate, a bath, a walk, whatever.

The other things I would suggest it to talk to someone - I do know that isolated black hole you are in but you need people right now. Here or in real life. When so low online fora can literally be a lifesaver.

Gonna, that is such a wise post. It is a terrible grief. It gets easier to manage, but until I went through this myself, I would never have imagined how painful this could be for me personally. I'd helped friends through it before - and could quite believe what they were telling me, about their pain.

It's why I get frustrated when posters on Mumsnet underestimate the effect of something they've never been through first hand. I didn't have to go through this myself to understand - but now I can empathise fully.

Karmann, I did read that mention you made about PTSD. I do think life events shape us enormously, as do our family stories. My H's counselling unearthed some incredibly helpful insights into his behaviour. I once managed someone with PTSD following a violent incident - and read up an enormous amount on the condition at the time, so tell us if you think we can help.

I also know that the flashbacks we've all faced following the shock of discovery is akin to PTSD. The intrusive thoughts, the obsessions, the need to relive an awful life event etc. When I managed this man, I read that the healthy way to discharge these feelings was to have a safe person/space to air these thoughts. I managed to pay for some superb pyschotherapy and I'm happy to report that the man (who remained a friend) is fully recovered and very happy.

I also wanted to reassure you that you can be very happy again. I never thought I would be - reading some of my old posts I didn't think it was possible - but I am in such a good place now. By taking some family members and friends into our confidence, I have closer relationships with these wonderful people than I did before.

I am excited about life again! I count my many blessings and through all this hurt and pain, my H and I are more in love and content than ever before. Our DCs tease us mercilessly about how lovey dovey we are, but they've also commented how secure that makes them feel - and how different their parents' marriage is to those of their friends.

You can get through this - but speaking as someone who had always been so resilient that she never asked for help - learn to recognise when you need a safe space, to be angry, sad, optimistic, crushed, or any of the wide-ranging emotions we've all felt.

I want wwifn to be my mummy !

< stamps foot >

I want AF and WWIFN to be my aunties!!