Poor you Karmann, it sounds like you've had a lot of horrible stuff to deal with in your life.
There is a wonderful poster called Maturer who speaks eloquently about the boxes and lids. She says that her H, like a lot of people, were "compartmentalisers" so they were able to switch off from the affair when with their primary partner - and switch off from home when with the OW.
I used to think my H was one of these - but actually he wasn't, especially once he'd been physically unfaithful. That doesn't make him any better though, Karmann. In fact, the downside of him not being a compartmentaliser was behaving like a shit when he was at home - and actually it is this behaviour he still cannot forgive about himself. It affected everyone and everything.
Had he been a compartmentaliser, life would have been happier (in an illusory kind of way) than it was.
Nevertheless, the "pluses" of a non-compartmentaliser are that they feel guilt (and this is what drives the deflection on to others in their life) and they do tend to "shield" the marriage to the affair partner - not disparaging the spouse or the marriage to her.
Probably the most dangerous situation is the non-compartmentaliser who convinces him/herself that s/he is in love with the affair partner. A compartmentaliser in love still gives to the marriage, whereas their counterpart does not.
I think it would be wise to open up to your Mum. Mine has been terrific - and wonderfully supportive and non-judgemental of my H, whom she also loves dearly. It took me a long time to tell her any of this - she is in her seventies and a terrible worrier, plus she had some health issues of her own when this all blew up for us, so I didn't want to burden her. As time wore on with this enormous secret between us though, I felt us growing apart. I'm so glad I corrected that. Almost as soon as I'd spoken to her, I felt better.
I do think it's a good sign your H is sufficiently self-aware about his tendency to block things. I also wanted to tell you that my H used to be the sort of person who was completely resistant to talking to counsellors. However, about 2 months after discovery day, we were getting stuck - and our sticking point was his ability to deny what 99.9% of the population would have thought obvious. He had also learned how to block unpleasant truths - a survival mechanism from his childhood that had served him well then - but was totally inappropriate - and in fact damaging in adulthood.
I didn't insist on counselling - I just said that I thought he needed some professional help to get him to see what he was doing. He took himself off, did the research himself and came back to me with an announcement of an appointment with a psychotherapist. Fortunately, he chose wisely and by and large, she was very good for him - and us, in consequence.
He freely admits now that at the time, he was very sceptical about its benefits, and saw it as a "sign" to me that he was committed to saving our marriage. Given his previous reluctance to share feelings, I saw it as one too. In the event, he now says it was the best thing he could have done - and honestly Karmann, the changes in him are astonishing. He now has no difficulty expressing feelings, is far more self-aware and emotionally intelligent. Consequently all his relationships have improved. His staff adore him, our friends have noticed a massive difference, he is closer to everyone in the family (except the emotionally retarded ones, who view him with a bit of suspicion, I think!) and he is a happier person all round.
Men in traditionally "male" occupations often have to learn to suppress feelings and emotions in order to survive the brutality of the organisational culture. What might be regarded as resilience at work (and therefore helpful) doesn't always transfer well to private lives.
Do you feel brave enough yet to make a request that he does see a therapist?
If you've got the Not Just Friends book, can you ask that he reads that too? If you're struggling with the E version, I'd nip onto Amazon or E Bay and just order the hard copy. It is amazing.
Hope you're feeling stronger still today.