A stupid woman and a cautionary tale

[reallysorry]

This is going to be really long, so apologies in advance. I am also going to get flamed, which I am prepared for and thoroughly deserve.

However, I feel I am at breaking point. I've put myself there, so I deserve everything I'm going through, but I just need to get it down to stop it whirling in my head.

Basically, I have had an affair. I can't believe that I've done it, just writing it makes me feel sick and it's turned everything I thought was true about myself upside down to the point where I don't know who I am anymore.

It was with a man I met at evening class. We were friendly at first, but he made it very obvious that he fancied me, which was a massive boost to my confidence. I've always had very low self esteem, and the attention this man paid me made me feel special for the first time in my life.

However, I didn't fancy him at all, so thought it would be harmless to carry on the friendship as we did get on really well, made each other laugh, etc etc.

What an idiot I was. Of course, the relationship became closer and closer, until we were having what I can only call an emotional affair. Basically, I fell in love with him...or the way he made me feel. I have to say, during this time I felt a million dollars, felt attractive for the first time in my life, had more confidence than ever before, etc etc etc. It was totally addictive, and I spent hours online chatting to him while neglecting my family...something I'll feel terrible about for the rest of my life.

Once the class finished, we continued to see each other, meet for coffees, have email conversations that lasted all day, etc etc etc. He told me that he loved me, that I was the person he should have met years ago, that I was sexy, gorgeous, smart, funny...I lapped it up.

I suppose I should provide some background...up to this point my marriage had not been plain sailing to say the very least. I'd been having therapy for years, had asked my dh to go for couples therapy to no avail, and there were two issues in particular that were causing huge problems and resentment in our marriage. I didn't feel emotionally connected to my husband, had told him so on several occasions, and he did nothing to change that. I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour (or maybe I am), just trying to explain where I was at the time.

So, anyway, as the relationship with this man continued I tried time and time again to break it off. Tbh, most of our time spent together was spent angsting over what we were doing, how we shouldn't be doing it, how we were going to stop. I'm mentioning that to show that I wasn't blase about what happened at all...I felt bloody terrible all the time, wasn't sleeping, started drinking too much. It was awful. But the times I spent with this man were some the happiest of my life.

All my life I've felt I was walking around with a hole in my stomach that could never be filled, and being with him filled it. I can't explain it, I can't understand it and I don't like it, but it's true.

I never had sex with him. I'm not trying to say I wasn't unfaithful- of course I was. But we never had full sex. That's the only thing I cling onto when I'm in self flagellation mode.

Anyway, I managed to cut contact a few weeks ago and told dh that I had fallen in love with this person. As a result of this and our other problems we are attending couples counselling. Part of me wants to tell him the whole story, but he has told me he doesn't want to hear what I did or didn't do. As far as he is concerned it was emotional infidelity only, and he is only interested in moving forward rather than raking over the past.

So now I'm in a position where I'm having two lots of therapy a week, am carrying lots of guilt, am trying to get over this man and am trying to find my way back to my husband and marriage.

I know I deserve it, and I've known all along it was coming. I used to say to my OM that there would be a huge emotional fallout to what was going on, and there has been. I just wish I'd had the strength to walk away when I could sense there was more to it than friendship. I wish I'd had some boundaries, some loyalty, some bloody integrity.

I suppose I'm posting this as a warning to those teetering on the brink of an affair. It might feel good in the short term, but it really, really isn't worth it. It's shitty, and you will pay a price, and so will those around you.

Thanks for listening.

Is the other man married?
You have chosen such a hard path, do you love your dh?

Yes he is. Just piles on the pain. I feel terrible about it.

I do love my dh, I think. I don't know. Am very confused. All I can say is, I don't feel the way I should about him, but there is still something there. I just hope we can make it come back

Don't be too hard on yourself. You did tell your DH over again that you were emotionally starved with him. And you found it in someone else. I'm not condoning your affair but at the same time, I don't think it was such a terrible thing you did that should deserve so much shame you put on yourself.

It was a cry for help. But now, do move on with your DH. He did say he doesn't want to know about it, so please do respect that.

I am so ashamed, it's just so far away from anything I thought I was capable of.

My therapist says it was a symptom of the problems in my marriage, but that feels like a cop out.

Well, I am impressed that you told your dh and that he wants to move forward. You stand a really good chance of surviving - if that is what you want. I am not going to flame you because I could have so easily been you.

It is over now. You can't change the past. Move on and allow yourself to grieve for the loss of the excitement and flattery that this 'relationship' gave you.

I wish you the very best of luck.

These kind posts are making me cry.

I do think you need to stop being so hard on yourselves. Affairs are really only a symptom of problems in the marriage and it takes two people for a marriage to break down. I split with my husband a year ago and being sperated is hard but still know it was the right decision, even though there was no one else on either side, I hadnt felt emotionally attached for some time. I would say that asl long as you both still have feelings for each other and are prepared to go to counselling then you ahve a good chance of getting back on track. Good luck.

Hi there. It is not a cop out. There are many ways of betraying your marriage vows and becoming close to someone else is not the only one nor the worst. I wish you all the best: I really do, I really do. You must have been so lonely and unhappy.

You could bring down your marriage by feeling so bad. If your dh doesn't want to know details - don't tell him but you must move on with your dh - by feeling so bad you're still emotionally in the other relationship - if you demonstrate your guilt you will just be reminding your dh of what has happened.

You sound like a very decent person - please learn to like yourself a bit more.

You feel bad because you set the bar high in this one particular area. All is not lost at all: your standards and morals are intact. They remain intact: it's very apparent that you do have integrity. Your remorse is intense: and you finished it yourself. You're still fighting and you were doing it all along.

You do sound like a really good person who has struggled for a long time.

You are going to have to forgive yourself here in order to be able to move on and rebuild your marriage. You won't do you or your dh any favours if you continue to torture yourself.

You have done the right thing by ending this, being honest with your husband and making steps to make things right. For that much you should be proud of yourself, it can't have been easy to do that.

Best of luck, really hope it works out for you.

as someone said there is more than one way to break your marriage vows - isn't one of them to cherish? Did you think your dh cherished you?

You are being very hard on yourself imo.

I would like to add that when I had an affair years ago in my first marriage, it made me ill. The angst, guilt, losing sleep over what I was doing, the stress it caused me etc. made me quite ill. The fall-out was horrendous also, and the person I had the affair with turned out to be a really 'nasty piece of work'.

It was just not worth it.

If it is any consolation, I have heard and read that men usually find physically infidelity far, far more of a problem and a threat than emotional...and vice versa for women, ie we mind more if our partner is emotionally involved, sex or no sex.

Hope this might help you feel a bit better.

Fwiw I don't think what you did was all that bad.
I agree totally that affairs are seldom worth the pain and self loathing they bring.

I can't believe how kind you all are.

I was really expecting a flaming.

I feel very humble.

There was some physical stuff. Like a pair of teenagers. Embarrassing really.

No full sex though.

I think that will help and not just your dh. It will help you because when (hopefully) you find your way back with your dh you will not be thinking all over again -- this is something you shared with someone else. It may not be the small thing you imagine.

You must be goign through hell.

I am a bit

Hey, reallysorry...I could have written your post. Just come out of where you are really (a few differences obviously). I have to say that the emotional affair I had was because I was feeling neglected following lack of effort from my husband following his (full on) affair. The affair I had, really opened my eyes to my marriage, me and what I wanted and in fact, how much I had missed being treated well. As a result I have decided to split with my H (not to get together with OM). You can get over affairs, but you have to both want to and work hard, and please stop giving yourself a hard time. the reason you had an affair in the first place was because your self esteem was low, don't make it lower, you need to feel strong to make your relationship work, not forever be begging for forgiveness (from your H or yourself).

I can't believe you can be so kind, cheatedon, having been on the receiving end of an affair.

You ladies really are something. Thank you.

I feel that it is a cop out to say that your affair was a symptom of the problems in your marriage. Sorry if that is not what you want to hear but I feel that this is simply a platitude to make you feel better. Your affair is down to you. You alone. That is not to say that you cannot be forgiven, or that you cannot get past it, or make it work with your husband.

But if you blame your marriage in part for your affair, then you are also blaming your husband and that is not fair. It is simply one step on from saying he pushed you into it. You chose to make the decision that you did and you need to accept responsibilty and move on.

If you simply blame the problems in your marriage then you don't learn anything. If you haver problems again, then what is the solution, another affair? Problems are hard, but they are a separate issue from your affair.

That's what I tend to think, pfft. I do accept full responsibility for my actions and know what I did was wrong. I've apologised to my husband - he knows it wasn't his fault.

I am continuing to have therapy to try and sort out whatever flaws there are in my personality that led me to behave in such a way.

I would NEVER go there again, though. Once bitten, forever shy.

Piff the OP is not trying to justify her actions by citing problems in the marriage, she was simply using them as a part explanation as to why she was in that unhappy place where she felt the need to look elsewhere for affection and emotional support.

There are no platitudes here that I can see, just an understanding of why people can act the way they do.

good luck to you reallysorry x

just out of interest, if someone had had really harsh words with you, poured cold water on your romantic ideals of this man and tried to make you face up to the stupidity of your behaviour before you got in too deep, would you have listened?

would it have made any difference ?