A stupid woman and a cautionary tale

[reallysorry]

This is going to be really long, so apologies in advance. I am also going to get flamed, which I am prepared for and thoroughly deserve.

However, I feel I am at breaking point. I've put myself there, so I deserve everything I'm going through, but I just need to get it down to stop it whirling in my head.

Basically, I have had an affair. I can't believe that I've done it, just writing it makes me feel sick and it's turned everything I thought was true about myself upside down to the point where I don't know who I am anymore.

It was with a man I met at evening class. We were friendly at first, but he made it very obvious that he fancied me, which was a massive boost to my confidence. I've always had very low self esteem, and the attention this man paid me made me feel special for the first time in my life.

However, I didn't fancy him at all, so thought it would be harmless to carry on the friendship as we did get on really well, made each other laugh, etc etc.

What an idiot I was. Of course, the relationship became closer and closer, until we were having what I can only call an emotional affair. Basically, I fell in love with him...or the way he made me feel. I have to say, during this time I felt a million dollars, felt attractive for the first time in my life, had more confidence than ever before, etc etc etc. It was totally addictive, and I spent hours online chatting to him while neglecting my family...something I'll feel terrible about for the rest of my life.

Once the class finished, we continued to see each other, meet for coffees, have email conversations that lasted all day, etc etc etc. He told me that he loved me, that I was the person he should have met years ago, that I was sexy, gorgeous, smart, funny...I lapped it up.

I suppose I should provide some background...up to this point my marriage had not been plain sailing to say the very least. I'd been having therapy for years, had asked my dh to go for couples therapy to no avail, and there were two issues in particular that were causing huge problems and resentment in our marriage. I didn't feel emotionally connected to my husband, had told him so on several occasions, and he did nothing to change that. I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour (or maybe I am), just trying to explain where I was at the time.

So, anyway, as the relationship with this man continued I tried time and time again to break it off. Tbh, most of our time spent together was spent angsting over what we were doing, how we shouldn't be doing it, how we were going to stop. I'm mentioning that to show that I wasn't blase about what happened at all...I felt bloody terrible all the time, wasn't sleeping, started drinking too much. It was awful. But the times I spent with this man were some the happiest of my life.

All my life I've felt I was walking around with a hole in my stomach that could never be filled, and being with him filled it. I can't explain it, I can't understand it and I don't like it, but it's true.

I never had sex with him. I'm not trying to say I wasn't unfaithful- of course I was. But we never had full sex. That's the only thing I cling onto when I'm in self flagellation mode.

Anyway, I managed to cut contact a few weeks ago and told dh that I had fallen in love with this person. As a result of this and our other problems we are attending couples counselling. Part of me wants to tell him the whole story, but he has told me he doesn't want to hear what I did or didn't do. As far as he is concerned it was emotional infidelity only, and he is only interested in moving forward rather than raking over the past.

So now I'm in a position where I'm having two lots of therapy a week, am carrying lots of guilt, am trying to get over this man and am trying to find my way back to my husband and marriage.

I know I deserve it, and I've known all along it was coming. I used to say to my OM that there would be a huge emotional fallout to what was going on, and there has been. I just wish I'd had the strength to walk away when I could sense there was more to it than friendship. I wish I'd had some boundaries, some loyalty, some bloody integrity.

I suppose I'm posting this as a warning to those teetering on the brink of an affair. It might feel good in the short term, but it really, really isn't worth it. It's shitty, and you will pay a price, and so will those around you.

Thanks for listening.

ah, FF, I remember, (and have commiserated with) you

your DH has found out...goodness me, you should update your old thread

< hijack over >

I think you should stop feeling bad now. Guilt is such a pointless emotion past a certain point. You feel bad, you won't do it again - end of.

And FWIW I think if your spouse isn't giving you basic emotional support and/or refusing to ever sleep with you then they shouldn't be surprised if you go looking for it elsewhere. Marriage isn't a carte blanche to stop bothering because you're 'tied' together.

RS, I've been in your position. If you no longer feel appreciated by your partner, then you become vulnerable to the attentions of others. I learned from my experience and now I am with someone who treats me like a queen. I wouldn't be remotely tempted by anyone else because all my physical and emotional needs are being satisfied. I am also super careful that he feels appreciated too, after all, it works both ways and I realised I was probably guilty of the same taking-for-granted attitude as my XP which led to the end of my previous relationship.

If you and your DH can take this lesson from your situation, then you're well on the way to salvaging your marriage and I wish you the best with it. The affair could well have a positive outcome, in which case, stop beating yourself up about it and move on. Good luck.

Great minds, Brahms!

I would say no more wallowing. Instead, a lot of listening to your DH and him listening to you, and trying to understand where he sees the relationship going. There has to be forward movement at some point, together if you're both committed. But the sorry sorry sorry sorry thing needs to stop. Agree with Brahms, guilt is pointless, and beyond a certain place it gets annoying and also gets in the way of facing the future honestly, as partners. You need to try to accept that your DH feels he is prepared to move on and forgive you. Why is this hard?

Reallysorry - goodness me, I wouldn't flame you, although I would flame other posters who seem to think an affair is somehow a justifiable response to problems that have existed in the marriage. You aren't saying that - and you are doing all the right things in my view, by owning your behaviour and taking full responsibility for it.

The golden rule at the moment is to respect your H's wishes about what to disclose. Not everyone wants to know the full details in the initial aftermath and as long as you are willing to tell the full honest truth if and when he asks, you are being fair.

You are not blaming him, but you are giving an account of how you felt on the run-up to the affair. I disagree that you are the victim of a "player" - you are a grown woman capable of making her own choices in life.

You are doing all the right things love - you've ceased contact, told your H and are willing to work on the marriage. You realise only too well that this is a horrible way to live and I'm sure you feel guilt towards this man's wife too.

You'll need to provide lots of love and reassurance to your H. If you do a search on my name, you will see that I posted a lengthy reply to a woman in a similar position to yours recently - her posting name was Handmedownqueen, if I recall. Unfortunately, she never did respond.... This was an attempt to provide a checklist of helpful and hindering behaviours by a betraying spouse, post-discovery.

I'd post the same advice to a man who was trying to make amends after an affair - good people have affairs - and good people do bad things. The challenge as always is to learn from this and make amends as much as you can - but be aware that healing takes an awful long time.

With luck - and your approach so far to this - it could provide you both with a wonderful opportunity to create the marriage you've always wanted. If not, at least you've tried and will have learned loads along the way.

You will be light years away from forgiving yourself yet, so don't worry about that just yet.

I wish you luck and a happy ending.

Thanks to all who responded. I feel really humbled by your kind and honest responses.

I feel much better for writing it all down.

I suppose the hard work starts here...

good luck x