This is going to be really long, so apologies in advance. I am also going to get flamed, which I am prepared for and thoroughly deserve.
However, I feel I am at breaking point. I've put myself there, so I deserve everything I'm going through, but I just need to get it down to stop it whirling in my head.
Basically, I have had an affair. I can't believe that I've done it, just writing it makes me feel sick and it's turned everything I thought was true about myself upside down to the point where I don't know who I am anymore.
It was with a man I met at evening class. We were friendly at first, but he made it very obvious that he fancied me, which was a massive boost to my confidence. I've always had very low self esteem, and the attention this man paid me made me feel special for the first time in my life.
However, I didn't fancy him at all, so thought it would be harmless to carry on the friendship as we did get on really well, made each other laugh, etc etc.
What an idiot I was. Of course, the relationship became closer and closer, until we were having what I can only call an emotional affair. Basically, I fell in love with him...or the way he made me feel. I have to say, during this time I felt a million dollars, felt attractive for the first time in my life, had more confidence than ever before, etc etc etc. It was totally addictive, and I spent hours online chatting to him while neglecting my family...something I'll feel terrible about for the rest of my life.
Once the class finished, we continued to see each other, meet for coffees, have email conversations that lasted all day, etc etc etc. He told me that he loved me, that I was the person he should have met years ago, that I was sexy, gorgeous, smart, funny...I lapped it up.
I suppose I should provide some background...up to this point my marriage had not been plain sailing to say the very least. I'd been having therapy for years, had asked my dh to go for couples therapy to no avail, and there were two issues in particular that were causing huge problems and resentment in our marriage. I didn't feel emotionally connected to my husband, had told him so on several occasions, and he did nothing to change that. I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour (or maybe I am), just trying to explain where I was at the time.
So, anyway, as the relationship with this man continued I tried time and time again to break it off. Tbh, most of our time spent together was spent angsting over what we were doing, how we shouldn't be doing it, how we were going to stop. I'm mentioning that to show that I wasn't blase about what happened at all...I felt bloody terrible all the time, wasn't sleeping, started drinking too much. It was awful. But the times I spent with this man were some the happiest of my life.
All my life I've felt I was walking around with a hole in my stomach that could never be filled, and being with him filled it. I can't explain it, I can't understand it and I don't like it, but it's true.
I never had sex with him. I'm not trying to say I wasn't unfaithful- of course I was. But we never had full sex. That's the only thing I cling onto when I'm in self flagellation mode.
Anyway, I managed to cut contact a few weeks ago and told dh that I had fallen in love with this person. As a result of this and our other problems we are attending couples counselling. Part of me wants to tell him the whole story, but he has told me he doesn't want to hear what I did or didn't do. As far as he is concerned it was emotional infidelity only, and he is only interested in moving forward rather than raking over the past.
So now I'm in a position where I'm having two lots of therapy a week, am carrying lots of guilt, am trying to get over this man and am trying to find my way back to my husband and marriage.
I know I deserve it, and I've known all along it was coming. I used to say to my OM that there would be a huge emotional fallout to what was going on, and there has been. I just wish I'd had the strength to walk away when I could sense there was more to it than friendship. I wish I'd had some boundaries, some loyalty, some bloody integrity.
I suppose I'm posting this as a warning to those teetering on the brink of an affair. It might feel good in the short term, but it really, really isn't worth it. It's shitty, and you will pay a price, and so will those around you.
Thanks for listening.