AIBU to say no to this? How can I say no? (involves BIL)

[noktok]

BIL has asked if he can stay with us for 3 days during the week. I really don't want this, but wondered whether IABU, especially as I would allow my own brother and SIL to stay no problem. He wants to stay because he is attending an event that is 15 miles from our house (so just using us for free accomodation).

We have DCs aged just 4 and 1 and we do have the space for BIL to stay.

BIL is a very strange person, he's 45 and throughout his life, he has slept with hundreds of random women. He never settles and every time DH sees him, he has a different one on his arm. "Relationships" usually last 1-10 days for him, he is a sex maniac. I am no prude, but I find his behaviour dirty and disgusting particularly as he gloats about never using condoms. (These women are sometimes likeminded, but plenty of them want a relationship and he breaks their hearts) Perhaps I am judgemental, but having slept with hundreds of people and been careless with sexual health, I find him ick and dirty and don't want him staying and sharing our bathroom etc .

He lives 200 miles from us and I haven't seen him for 3 years. He never keeps in contact and doesn't care about my DH, me, my kids or even his own parents (my PILs, who are very nice and I have them to stay whenever without a problem). My kids have met him once and he will be imposing just for the free bed and bringing a random woman who I have never met and who I will probably never meet again. I just don't think it is appropriate to use a family home as a doss house for strangers when kids are so little.

So tell me, AIBU and if not, what reason do I give for not letting him stay?

Just to add, I am quite sad about all this because everyone else in my family and DH's family is close and we all care about eachother. I sort of feel I am perpetuating BILs behaviour by not letting him stay, but I don't want him here.

YANBU
have you spoken to dh about this?
i think that this man has a complete cheek to expect to come and crash-out at yours for a few days esp.when he doesn't keep in touch with his brother and other family members and has only met your dcs once
his sex life is of course his own business but under your roof with some random woman he's just picked up is just disrespectful and wrong
can't you say something along the lines of you're in the middle of re-decorating the room and it's a bit chaotic..

Or how about "No - I don't like him and I don't want him in my house"?

i think his sex life is irrelevant TBH unless he really would be bringing a random woman along as well

just tell him you don't have room for him to stay and that he should book into a hotel

invite him for dinner maybe if your DH wants to see him

ruby - he really is bringing a random woman I have never met...I have no doubt!

aseriouslyblondemoment - I have spoken to my DH about it, briefly as I don't like to cause problems with his family. I think he does understand my pov, but then the guy is still his brother so it is difficult for him as he will be the one saying no.

annie, that is how I feel but I just wish he hadn't asked as I don't like saying no

Why would he bring a random woman to your home when he's only there for a 3 night stay?
If he's planning on fitting in some wild sex with a stranger during the 3 nights then wouldn't he be booking a hotel or B&B rather than asking you to pu him up in your home with you and the children there?

I don't think his personal sex life has anything to do with him coming to stay for a few nights but if you really struggle with him and feel uncomfortable with him around then just say that it's not convenient,tell him the address of a hotel and do what rubyslippers suggested and have him over for dinner one evening instead.

I'm not being sarcastic btw. I confess to being excessively territorial, but I do feel one shouldn't need an excuse not to let people in your house if you don't like them, especially if they're bringing random strangers along too. Whether or not you are "right" to feel the way you do about his lifestyle, they are your feelings and it is your home. It's not a communal space you happen to occupy. If your H wants a reason to fob him off, let him blame you and your strange whims. (I wonder if he was planning on having noisy sex in your DCs' hearing? Ewww!)

If it was three nights every week, then you'd NBU. But three nights in total? I don't see the problem.

OK. I think you are being rather judgemental and YABU.

So he sleeps around, who cares? He is crap at keeping in contact, again - who cares? He is still your DH's brother and your childrens uncle. Who he sleeps with is none of your business, and as for not wanting to share a bathroom with him?? Thats just mean.

He isnt unpleasant to you, or your children, and will only be staying three days.

And you don't actually know if he will be bringing random women back do you? And if you are worried he might make it a ground rule that NO ONE comes back to your house.

yanbu.

your house, your rules. nuff said

3m

Who did your BIL ask and what answer was given at the time?.

Hang on a min, you haven't seen this man for 3 years and he now wants to stay three days at your house after showing you all no interest whatsoever in your wellbeing. His own sexual health and lifestyle is secondary to his not being at all interested in your lives.

Tell this freeloader (for this is what he is) a resounding NO!. You have every right not to allow him into your home and you're not going to enable him.

Your DH and you need to have a united front with regards to this person.

And what the others said about hotel and dinner. That sounds like a reasonable compromise.

ITA with rubyslippers. As much as I would not care about his sex life or his company, you clearly do not like the man. Invite him out for dinner, but as for staying over you can easily say that you have taken on some extra child-care duties for a friend who is unwell and the spare bedroom is a guest room for the kids. Or whatever. It is going to be a lie one way or another, so don't expect to feel great about it, but the alternative is to tell him that you judge him for sleeping around and find him dirty.

Oh, I don't think your children will care a great deal, but they may notice you don't like him.

I wouldn't want someone using my house as a b+b, not a someone who makes no effort to be a part of my dh's life or family.

The other shit, the sex stuff is irrelevant tbh.

It's your home, and therefore up to you to invite who you like to stay. I don't think you should feel obliged to have someone in your house who makes you uncomfortable, so on that basis just tell him he can't stay.

Doesn't matter whether you're being judgemental or not, your house, your decision.

wilkos

I do not think the other poster is unreasonable at all; it is her house after all.

Why should a rellie turn up and use their house primarily as free accomodation (the concerns re lis lifestyle are to my mind irrelevant to the problem at hand). He is not unpleasant to the children because he's barely met them previously (infact only once!).

He may still well be the children's uncle and OPs BIL but he's certainly not acting like one because he has not made contact for the last three years!. Till now when he wants something.

Bloody freeloaders like this can find their own accomodation.

say no. he sounds like a tosser.

displayuntilbestbefore - he does not go places (this is not work btw) without a woman ever. I know this sounds strange, but it's true. MIL has lost count of the number of random women BIL has brought to her house over the last 20 years - I have been there about 8 years ago and BIL brought someone nobody had ever met. In the middle of the afternoon when me and DH were just watching telly with BIL and gf, they said they were going upstairs to have sex and they bet that they had more sex than us! He does have plenty of sex with strangers and doesn't care where. Before we had kids (long time ago), he stayed with us with yet another random woman so it will definitely happen.

We have only one bathroom and I find the idea of him/random woman getting in bath and then my 1yo going in it disgusting (because of the sex etc). Am I really wrong to find this gross?

What was your BIL told at the time he asked to stay with yourselves for the three days?.

The concerns re his lifestyle are secondary; your main beef should be that he's now only deigned to phone you after no contact for three years.

Tell this freeloader a resounding no and do not let yourselves be railroaded further by him.

I agree the sex stuff dosn't matter. The fact that you say he is 'strange' and you haven't seen him for 3 years would concern me. Don't feel bad saying No, he should have felt bad asking you in the first place. Ask yourself one question, Do you trust him around yourself, your children and your home? If the answers No say NO!

i think you're being unreasonable and a little silly (no offence)!

agree with other poster who says his sex life and if he keeps in touch with his other family has no bearing.

let him stay, wash the sheets and towels after he goes....you can't catch STD's from toilet seats!

however if he turns up with a woman on his arm then you would be within your rights to let him know that's not appropriate at all and the invitation to stay is off. no need even to inform him in advance no house guest either, if he's so daft as to turn up with one he deserves to get summarily booted out.

(i'm secretly fascinated as to how he keeps up this legendary luck with women though).

Just to make another point on the sex, fine that he sleeps around, it's the blantant disregard for his health (ie no condoms) that I find totally gross and I wonder whether he has STDs because of it. I am not a nasty person honestly, I just am worried about this.

I most certainly do not trust him around my children and I would never let him be alone with them.

I personally don't feel threatened (am very tall and strong) but I just feel grossed out.

If it's any consolation, I doubt the STDs could be passed on in ways like sharing a bathroom. You'd need to have intimate contact in a way you are clearly not intending to!

lol

My bil, is a complete womaniser. I dread to think some of the things he gets up to. But his lifestyle is up to him. As far as my children go I completely trust him, which is just as well because they adore him. If he wanted to stay with us for 3 days I wouldn't have a problem. But he respects us and wouldn't dream of bringing a woman we didn't know round. Your bil has no respect for you and the fact you don't trust him around yourself and your children is a good enough reason for him not to stay!