AIBU to say no to this? How can I say no? (involves BIL)

[noktok]

BIL has asked if he can stay with us for 3 days during the week. I really don't want this, but wondered whether IABU, especially as I would allow my own brother and SIL to stay no problem. He wants to stay because he is attending an event that is 15 miles from our house (so just using us for free accomodation).

We have DCs aged just 4 and 1 and we do have the space for BIL to stay.

BIL is a very strange person, he's 45 and throughout his life, he has slept with hundreds of random women. He never settles and every time DH sees him, he has a different one on his arm. "Relationships" usually last 1-10 days for him, he is a sex maniac. I am no prude, but I find his behaviour dirty and disgusting particularly as he gloats about never using condoms. (These women are sometimes likeminded, but plenty of them want a relationship and he breaks their hearts) Perhaps I am judgemental, but having slept with hundreds of people and been careless with sexual health, I find him ick and dirty and don't want him staying and sharing our bathroom etc .

He lives 200 miles from us and I haven't seen him for 3 years. He never keeps in contact and doesn't care about my DH, me, my kids or even his own parents (my PILs, who are very nice and I have them to stay whenever without a problem). My kids have met him once and he will be imposing just for the free bed and bringing a random woman who I have never met and who I will probably never meet again. I just don't think it is appropriate to use a family home as a doss house for strangers when kids are so little.

So tell me, AIBU and if not, what reason do I give for not letting him stay?

Just to add, I am quite sad about all this because everyone else in my family and DH's family is close and we all care about eachother. I sort of feel I am perpetuating BILs behaviour by not letting him stay, but I don't want him here.

then i would tell him he is welcome but no girl - sorry bro, but its not good for the kids. but we love you and you are welcome any time

Agree with Custardo. Yes to staying, no to companions. And please do refer to her as his "companion" or "young lady". It will be amusing for me

It is only three nights, you probably won't see much of him.

But no to the "young lady".

Three nights is three nights too long. He is trying it on with his brother. Why can't he stay nearer to this event he is supposed to be attending anyway?. The real appeal for your BIL is that your house unlike anywhere else is free.

I'd still be saying no regardless of whether your H idolises his brother or otherwise. Its your house; you have a right to say no.

Also what happens post visit?. Will BIL want to remain in contact with your family?. Most likely not, these people are only thinking of their own selves.

nothing wrong with asking a handily-located relative to save the cost of a hotel and can hopefully have a nice time together too.

it is just about whether you want this person in the house or not, forget random women or freeloading.

"nothing wrong with asking a handily-located relative to save the cost of a hotel and can hopefully have a nice time together too"

. Even after he hasn't bothered to make contact with Noktok's family for three years?. Also by the OPs own admission he does not care about her family unit at all. The OP also seems very uncomfortable with having this particular individual in her home so that should be the end of the matter really.

I'm still trying to work out why, if OP dislikes the man so much, she was happy for her children to see him without her being there. She says she hasn't seen him for 3 years but that her kids are 4 and 1 and they have met him once....?

i'd let him stay but say he can't bring anyone you don't know. so that means he comes alone (in more ways than one).

Just say No if you are that bothered. Yo don't need reasons - let your DH worry about that. I am assuming your DH knows the reasons anyway?

ok - now that i have got the DCs off to bed, i have thought about this again.

Why does he want to come and stay with you for 3 days if it isnt work related? And how old is he?

I had a similar situation years ago with my BIL and his then gf, we were going on holiday and they were looking after our house. The night before we were going I woke up (paper thin walls in a new build house) to hear them having a good old session - very very noisy, not just a little - and I was so annoyed, because I thought it was disrespectful to do that while we were there, we were going away for 2 weeks ffs, could they not have hung on until we had left???

sorry, slight digression,

so say no he cant stay if that bothers you and you think it would upset your family dynamic.

The one and only reason of him making you uncomfortable and awkward in your own house, which by the way, is also the home of your children, would be reason enough for me to just say NO, and not feel a tad guilty about it.

Your husband will probably be a bit in a mood about it, but I would assume he would also have to agree on anyone you wanted to bring home. Your house is your castle, and if anything nasty happened after unhappily accepting him there, you wouldn't forgive yourself or your DH for insisting. My vote is for you finding any excuse and just ask him to stay in a hotel.

displayuntilbestbefore - I've namechanged and altered a couple of details on the off chance anyone reads this (including my DCs ages). No, they have not seen him without me. The one brief occasion they saw him was not out of his choice, more something he couldn't get out of, which was not instigated by me. I am a bit of a numpty not getting the figures to add up, I would hate for my MIL to read this as BIL is her baby despite his behaviour, which she is also not thrilled with.

Unless you have a tiny home or would be expected to shoulder lots of extra work to accommodate him, I think you're being unreasonable, though agree with the no fucking in my house caveat. His sex life is none of your business and he's family. 3 days is nothing. And so what if he's "freeloading"? I would have no problem if my sister or my partner's sister or in fact the vast majority of our family/friends, wanted to stay with us because they didn't want to fork out for a hotel.

Let's face it, from what the OP knows of him, there is only one way this would go. DH would say "ok you can stay, but only you, do not bring anyone else with you". BIL would say ok, but on the day (or more likely late evening) turn up on the doorstep with a woman and pretty much challenge them to say no, go away, we don't want her. He would probably have picked, amongst his wide acquaintance, the girl who looks most like a puppy hoping not to be kicked, and would of course not have warned her that she wasn't invited. To throw her out would be so churlish that the OP and DH either couldn't do it, or would feel like heels for ever after.

And then they'd go and have very noisy sex before the children's bedtime so their parents would have the jolly job of explaining it away, for three days solid.

It's going to happen, my crystal ball is never wrong.

Annie what insight you have!

BIL was invited to our wedding (not a plus one invite as he was not with anyone). He picked up a woman that he shagged for a few days and turned up at our wedding with her (late and delaying our ceremony!). Of course, we said nothing, doormats as usual. We had a small wedding - our parents and siblings (nobody had kids at the time, no siblings had partners, we would have invited them)

So we have wedding photos of our families and a random woman (I have nothing against her, she didn't do anything out of order, but of course she ended up dumped!). I know the abbreviated version of her first name, that's it and she came to a wedding where you could count the other guests on your fingers!!

I think today, I am going to be decisive and say no. This visit would put me out a lot, DH will work late as usual and do nothing (he won't even be here!). Sometimes my mum helps me with the kids in the evenings and I won't be able to have her round if I am supposed to be pandering to BIL.