AIBU to say no to this? How can I say no? (involves BIL)

[noktok]

BIL has asked if he can stay with us for 3 days during the week. I really don't want this, but wondered whether IABU, especially as I would allow my own brother and SIL to stay no problem. He wants to stay because he is attending an event that is 15 miles from our house (so just using us for free accomodation).

We have DCs aged just 4 and 1 and we do have the space for BIL to stay.

BIL is a very strange person, he's 45 and throughout his life, he has slept with hundreds of random women. He never settles and every time DH sees him, he has a different one on his arm. "Relationships" usually last 1-10 days for him, he is a sex maniac. I am no prude, but I find his behaviour dirty and disgusting particularly as he gloats about never using condoms. (These women are sometimes likeminded, but plenty of them want a relationship and he breaks their hearts) Perhaps I am judgemental, but having slept with hundreds of people and been careless with sexual health, I find him ick and dirty and don't want him staying and sharing our bathroom etc .

He lives 200 miles from us and I haven't seen him for 3 years. He never keeps in contact and doesn't care about my DH, me, my kids or even his own parents (my PILs, who are very nice and I have them to stay whenever without a problem). My kids have met him once and he will be imposing just for the free bed and bringing a random woman who I have never met and who I will probably never meet again. I just don't think it is appropriate to use a family home as a doss house for strangers when kids are so little.

So tell me, AIBU and if not, what reason do I give for not letting him stay?

Just to add, I am quite sad about all this because everyone else in my family and DH's family is close and we all care about eachother. I sort of feel I am perpetuating BILs behaviour by not letting him stay, but I don't want him here.

Noktok, why are you worried bout his potential STDs? Why would it matter that he uses your bathroom before your children?

The bottom line is that you don't want him in your house. Whether or not other people think that is judgemental, it is actually none of their business. If you are hoping that everybody will agree with you that his sex-life is disgusting, they will not (I don't). Then again, nobody should judge you for finding it disgusting and I think that you are judging yourself for thinking that. Just be honest with your DH, tell a white lie and don't torture yourself over it. Judgemental or not, you have the right to have an opinion about his conduct and this opinion will influence whether or not you'd like him as a house guest.

Why would he want to stay at yours anyway?

PMSL at mention of BIL and his random woman having baths together and having sex in the bath in your family bathroom.
Here was I thinking our houseguests are happy with clean bedding, a nice breakfast and a welcoming glass of wine

You should not have to justify how you feel.

Your DH will presumably understand that you do not have this POV just for the hell of it, but that it is founded on solid beliefs about the way he lives his life.

Explain calmly and reasonably how inappropriate you feel this is and that you do not want him to stay.

I would hope that your DH will respect your views and understand them.

Yes, this is his brother, but equally you are his wife and this is YOUR house. You are not saying that your DH cannot see him, you are saying that you do not feel it appropriate that he stays.

A view I agree with from what you have said, he wouldn't be staying in my house!!

You haven't seen him for three years - he could have calmed down a bit now. And perhaps he's trying to build bridges.

And he is your dh's brother.

Personally I would say Ok, it's only for three days. BUT BUT BUT - and that's three enormous BUTS - the invitation is for HIM ONLY. There is no question of accommodating shag of the day.

No he just wants free accommodation. I don't think he would have contacted noktok's family otherwise.

If this man had been serious about wanting to mend fences then he would have acted long before now to do so.

erm, right up until you said "and bringing a random woman " I was thinking YABU.

But YANBU. Get your husband to tell him he can come witout the random woman or not at all!

How about contacting BIL and asking him what his plans are?

A comment along the lines of "it would be lovely to see you after such a long time but for the children's sake we would appreciate it/must insist you don't bring any strangers into the house" would seem appropriate and is hardly unreasonable.

If you don't get such an assurance then tell him no and e-mail some hotel links.

so - what did you say to him when he asked then?

3 nights for family is do-able (even if it means gritting your teeth) but ABSOLUTELY NO WAY would he be bringing random women back for sex in my house. No, no, NO.

i would let him stay - but no random women would be allowed. 3 days is nothing.

YAB a little U and a tad OTT about the sex thing.

And how do you know he doesnt use any contraception?

Because he says so ("he gloats about never using condoms").

Personally I'd say no unless you felt you could trust him NOT to turn up with random woman on doorstep regardless of what he'd previously agreed, thus putting the onus on you to turn them away on a dark and stormy night etc. Highly uncomfortable, whichever way you played it.

I have not seen my bil for over 3 years, nor had dh and if he just wanted to turn up for 3 days to stay he would be told where to go. If he cannot be bothered keeping in touch (like your bil) why should he just turn up?

But encourage your dh to see him if he stays nearby.

As it happens, my bil has some nasty ways and he would not be welcome as I would not trust him round my kids.

Does your DH (his brother) have an opinion either way?

My DH does idolise his brother, but he also understands that his behaviour is quite unacceptable at times. So, he doesn't particularly have an opinion either way, no.

To those who have asked, BIL phoned DH at work to ask (has not phoned our house for many many years) and DH said he would see what's going on. So as it is, the ball is in DH's court and it is for him to say yes or no.

I am certain that the request has come because it will be free to stay with us. He will not want to spend time with us and anyway DH works late so it would be left to me to entertain him and look after my kids at the same time. He has (years ago) stayed with us, asked for a key and just turned up late at night whenever he wanted to.

Some people think IABU and mean and I accept that, that's why I'm still not certain about saying an outright no. Although I am reassured as I think the majority think IANBU overall.

And just to reiterate - it isn't sex that I have an issue with itself, it's the fact that it is blantantly (and proudly) unsafe sex and also the fact that he brings it into my house, as previously demonstrated by him.

I would still show myself to be the better person and say yes. I'm sure this would please your dh, as well.

But as I (and everyone else!) said, make your dh promise to tell his brother that only he can stay. You have young children in the house and don't want strangers in your midst.

If he is fine with this, then you can hope the visit goes well. If he has a problem with it, then you have your answer. He's not staying and your instincts were right.

I understand that gramercy and I sort of agree about being the better person, but the prospect of it does make me feel stressed and worried and that's really why I just want to say no. I'll re read everything everyone has written and think about it!

Give yourself a break.
If you can't stomache his behaviour you have three options
Suck it up
Say no
make conditions. i.e. no extra guests.

Hi noktok,

re your comment:-

"For those who have asked, BIL phoned DH at work to ask (has not phoned our house for many many years) and DH said he would see what's going on. So as it is, the ball is in DH's court and it is for him to say yes or no".

Its your decision as well as his. Pity your H did not say "no" outright at the time but he was put in a difficult position because this phone call was undoubtedly unexpected. However, your DH and he need to talk again and you andd your DH need to have a united front with regards to his brother.

Its not about purely being the "better person" here; this is a smokescreen. The man is trying to take advantage of your good nature. After his three day visit it will likely be a long time before he makes contact again, if he bothers that is.
He does not know your children and you don't want him around them - enough said.

This man phoned your H at work as well. He only wants a bed because he only wants free accommodation. Do not be railroaded by the fact that he is family, he is still a freeloader. Let this man find his own accommodation.

I have a BIL who acts not too dissimilarly towards his parents (he no longer speaks to us) hence my seemingly harsh stance. Just say no.

I would be more concerned that your DH idolises this man. That's a thread in its own right.

13 yrs older than my DH, thank that possibly explains it!

I mean BIL is 13y older

explains why he idolises him?

i think this is what family are for tbh. skim read thread so forgive me if wrong end of stick.

hi sex life is really erm...his.

unless he plans on bringing a girl and fucking her in your house.

at that point - i might see your point

however if no girl - IMO this is really what family are for - to impose on out of the blue completely unfairly.

custardo
-yes random girl
-yes fucking

he has form for this exact thing!

I would say yes he could stay, but that it was only him. Ie. your dh needs to make it absolutely clear that he is not to bring anyone else home.