Don't know what to do - husband cheating

[Kodit]

Hi, I have found out this weekend that a few months after my husband and I got married he met a colleague in a hotel and had sex. Then, a year later (Sep 09) he contacted her again because "his needs weren't being met at home". I was heavily pregnant at the time. 2 weeks after our baby was born, he was making arrangments to meet her again. I feel sick and i don't know what to do. He claims he never planned to go ahead with it, but he booked a hotel.

well it would be over if it had happened to me....theres no coming back from this sort of deceit,i'd kick him out

Oh you poor thing - I really do feel for you.

Did you find out or did he tell you? I'm asking because it sounds very much as if he's admitting to things that possibly can't be explained away but is perhaps being economical with the truth.

That's probably not helpful but I think you need to know the whole situation before you can make an informed decision.

I found out. At the moment our baby (14 weeks old) sleeps in our bed so I have been going to bed early with him and playing games/surfing internet on my husband's Iphone. Last night I looked in his emails to see what jokes our friends had sent recently and found emails to/from this woman. i ocnfronted him and he swore that nothing happened and it was all just a fantasy, until I found an email that made it clear that had met up before. He then said they had met up but he hadn't gone through with sleeping with her. Until I found another email that made it clear they had had sex. And then he admitted it.

Oh Kodit, I'm sorry... To me this sounds like a lot more than he is admitting to. He's lied and only admitted what he had to when faced with incontrovertible evidence. I'd email the woman and ask her. Your DH may already have alerted her to being found out but he may not have done. I'm truly, truly sorry to say this but I really think it's likely that there's more to discover.

I hope I'm wrong, I really do...

You will never ever be able to trust him. Never. Only you can decide if you are prepared to put up with being married to someone who's marriage vows mean nothing to him.

I would divorce him. No question.

It's not something I could ever forgive or forget - to me, a man who can cheat on his pregnant wife is the scum of the earth and is capable of almost anything.

What a rat! You poor thing, I do wonder how men can cheat on their wives/partners who are pregnant with their child.

Sadly not uncommon, I work with a guy who's wife has 2 babies youngest born in October. He's been playing around with two women at work for over a year! I only hope whoever this poor woman is finds out and takes him for every penny she can! I'll be the first to smugly tell him he had it coming.

Easy for me to say ditch him, he's your husband and the father of your children. Now he's been caught do you think he'd do it again?

Maybe email the girl yourself and tell her you know, what goes around comes around.. women should have a little more respect for fellow females. Not all her fault mind, it takes two.

((HUGS))

belle gives good advice

in your shoes my marriage would be over

before my dc was old enough to be affected by it

he has only admitted to something when faced with strong evidence...typical of a good liar and a serial cheater

there will be more, I am so sorry

I agree. To cheat at all is, in my book, unforgivable. But while pregnant / with a small baby - that's one selfish bastard.

Get rid of him before he can hurt you some more.

He will admit to as little as he possibly can. You will never get the truth from him because he will only admit to what you can prove. - look at him so far - first he did nothing, then when you were able to prove he'd met her he admitted he had but swore (on his baby's life? Or is that gem yet to come?) that they hadn't had sex. Then you were able to prove that they HAD had sex so he was forced to admit that, but only the once, and there's never been anyone else - because you have no proof! Trust me, he's shagged about! But he will lie and lie and lie to you. You will not get honesty from him.

It's up to you to decide whether you want to be with someone who shags around and lies to you.

i think hequet has given good advice

and i know what i'd be doing in your shoes

what is he doing to prove he is going to make the relationship work?

for me, a man who was so selfish, that he could not go without sex whilst his wife was heavily pregnant with his child, well, he wouldn't be staying my husband much longer

Sounds like he is drip feeding info every time you get a bit more proof and then trying to blame it on you!

I'd kick him out. Even if you really want to stay with him (why?) it would still be an idea to kick him out and start calling the shots in your relationship. If he wants to stay he should be a grovelling wreck rather than blaming you.

E-mail the OW tell her you know and that's she can have him cause you don't want him.

A colleague will probably know that he was recently married adn that you were pregnant.

He is an odeous,lying rat who admitted only whaa he thinks he can getaway with. I bet my bottom dollar there is much more to this saga than you have been told.

Bin him now and regain your self respect because he obviously has no respect for you or his DC.

Show him the door tonight

He has told me I am the love of his life and his 'world' and that he will do anything to prove to me that he will never do this again. He has already emailed the woman telling her to never contact him again and has blocked her on Facebook.

Oh and she is the same age as my mother. Not sure why that makes it worse, but it does.

She knows about me being pregnant. She emailed him saying that she had been looking at the baby pictures on his Facebook (the pics on there are of me and my son just after he was born). So she is really something. And she's married too.

He emailed her in January cancelling their planned hotel visit because I was still struggling with the baby and he couldn't get out overnight until things were more settled.

No he will never do this again to you because hopefully you will never give him the chance.

Pack his bags now.

Don't focus your feelings of anger and betrayal on her, he is the man who is supposed to love, cherish and stay faithful to you.

Do you want another 20 years of this?

If he could do this when you were at your most vulnerable and needed his absolute support, then he can do it again, and again, and again.

How can he possibly love you?

Some things are unforgivable and this is one of them.

"His needs weren't being met"? What a pathetic specimen of "manhood".

You deserve better, so much better.

Kodit - they work together don't they? I don't see how blocking someone on Facebook and emailing to say "never contact me again" is proof that this is over. I'm so sorry to be the one who keeps banging on about this but, frankly, I don't believe that him. I doubt he wants to split from you but I also doubt he's being honest. He has nothing to gain from honesty and everything to lose.

Blocking the OW on Facebook simply means that you also have no access to any information about her ie her husband and thus protects her too.

I know you desperately want to believe your husband but I think that you will still find out more if you look for it.

No-one can tell you what to do, nor should they, but please, please be very careful of yourself and your heart. Do not let him hurt you further. x

"He has told me I am the love of his life and his 'world'"

Well if this is how he treats someone who is the love of his life, I'd hate to see how he treats people he doesn't like!

He won't even give you honest answers to your questions. He's only admitting to things that you have evidence of.

And what happens the next time 'his needs aren't being met at home'?

The only thing this man is sorry about is the fact that he got caught.

They don't work together anymore - should have made that clear earlier. They did when the first hotel visit took place but she subsequently moved to another area.

I have emailed her - not sure that was a good thing to do now though.

I know you are all right. I just can't get my head around the prospect of being a single parent.

Kodit - don't think about that right now. Just focus on being kind to yourself and your DC.

I think emailing her was good thing to do but if she is also married you may not get a straight answer from her either.

What it did do, however, was take some of the power back from your husband. If you can, try to stay angry as it will give you strength.

"He has told me I am the love of his life and his 'world' and that he will do anything to prove to me that he will never do this again."

I'm so sorry but they all do this. They then generally go on to do it again because in effect, when the main relationship has continued, they have got away with it.

This isn't a one off, his intention has been to sleep around several times over (that you know about - there are bound to be more) it's part of his nature.

The fact that he has sought to do this when you are your most vulnerable reeks of misogyny and that world view isn't going to dissipate over night or any time soon, if ever.

Garner the support of friends and family, don't face this alone. You have absolutely nothing to hide.

Kodit - you are in shock at the moment and so don't make any decisions at all just yet.

It might help your terrible confusion if you just had a few facts at your disposal.

Statistically, men who cheat early on in a marriage are far more likely to cheat again, whereas there is far more hope for men who cheat for the first time late on in a marriage.

What everyone is saying here is true; your H is only admitting to what you can prove. There will be far more hidden from you at the moment.
It is not possible to forgive or move on when you don't know all there is to forgive. You now need to get as much information you can from sources other than him - what have you said in your E mail to the OW?

With this particular OW, it doesn't sound like he has an emotional connection and is just bringing her out of retirement when he fancies illicit sex again. Saying he wouldn't have gone through with the hotel room is nonsense - yes he would.

Despite what others are saying, it is remarkably common for men to cheat when their wives are pregnant - and there is a reason for this. Any event that causes an under-developed character to grow up and face responsibility, produces a response like this. Marriage might have produced a similar result.

What ever you decide to do, the fault is his and not yours - and the fault is with his character.

In your shoes, I would assume he was going to be the sort of man who will be perenially unfaithful and would cut my losses now. However, I don't think you can decide anything while you know so little and while you are in shock. Therefore I'd suggest you ask him to move out while you think and find further information.