Don't know what to do - husband cheating

[Kodit]

Hi, I have found out this weekend that a few months after my husband and I got married he met a colleague in a hotel and had sex. Then, a year later (Sep 09) he contacted her again because "his needs weren't being met at home". I was heavily pregnant at the time. 2 weeks after our baby was born, he was making arrangments to meet her again. I feel sick and i don't know what to do. He claims he never planned to go ahead with it, but he booked a hotel.

She has confirmed what he told me (after initially denying it of course.

We've been together 9 years.

Has he got in touch with her to tell her what to say to you?

What you need to work out is - are you ever going to trust him again? And if you can't - what kind of life would you have?

If you go, then you are a single parent - hard yes, but done by many many people.

If you stay then you have to try to trust him. Or every time he sets foot out of the house your mind will be going! Every time his mobile pings, your stomach will knot. Every time he is late home from work, or goes out in the evening, or is on the computer.... you will torture yourself.

If you go, you are free. If you stay you have a miserable life of torturing yourself with the above - unless you find a way to trust him again.

I would suggest you make no decision straight away. You need time to digest all this, and to decide what you want.

Now that may mean asking him to leave temporarily, while you get your head round all this.

But whatever you decide, make no mistake about it - he should bend over backwards for you! Should do anything you want and need to help you through this.

If he turns it back on you, or just wants you to forget about it - then imo, that more than the affair itself, would be reason to go and never look back.

Or, you could decide that he's a good man, a good provider, and if he puts it about a bit, that isn't very important in the scheme of things as long as it's you he comes home to. Some people do come to an arrangement of the sort (and no doubt he's rationalised it to himself in that way), though I have to say it wouldn't work for me. It would be the lying even more than the straying that would be impossible to take. Oh, and the regular trips to the STD clinic of course.

Poor, poor you. Your world must have just been turned upside down. Don't know what to say, except don't make any snap decisions, talk it through with someone you trust and/or Relate. Sending you huge

Meant to add - and DON'T blame yourself!

Hmmm. Bad news, Kodit. You must be feeling devastated (and angry & confused) - so sorry you're going through this.

The statistics suggest that 1 in 10 men cheat on a pregnant partner, usually because they're terrified of the responsibility and/or have a 'Madonna-whore complex.' Doesn't make it any easier for you to know that, though, does it?

I think you need to give yourself a bit of time to work this through for yourself - also, it won't hurt any to make a gesture showing how serious this misbehaviour is. So chuck him out for a month, or take yourself and the baby to your Mum's. See if you can make an appointment with a relationship counsellor (eg Relate) to go by yourself and talk about how you feel & what you want.

By telling the OW and cutting communication, he has done 2 of the things you would need before you started forgiving him for this (if you decide to try). If she's already left the workplace, that's another factor dealt with. The rest is more complicated, unfortunately: you will find it very hard to trust him again. Your marriage won't ever be the same - if you stay together, you'll need to create a new marriage together.

You probably don't believe it now, but this kind of crisis can turn out as an opportunity for the couple to improve their communication, build an exciting future together and generally go forward with confidence. It take a lot of time, and a lot of effort. Straying partners don't usually like to face the amount of pain they've caused, nor to take the pains needed to start rebuilding trust.

You won't know what to do until you've had time for all this to sink in - and talked about it as much as you need to. The last thing you should do is try & keep it a secret! If it makes him look bad, so what? Get support.
I really do wish you well.

As a previous poster has already said, leave now, before it affects your dc. My "father" did almost the exact same thing as your h has done, and he kept doing it with numerous other women for the 13 years of their marriage, before my mum had the strength to chuck him out. I and my two younger sisters grew up in a household where there was no love or affection between the adults, a constant feeling of tension and frequent arguments. It seriously fucked up my view of men, marriage and my self esteem and still has repercussions now, although I am in my fifties. He will do it again. I am sorry you are having to face this, but better to leave sooner rather than later.

< applauds mable >

Thank you AF.

Forgot to add, I don't know how financially well-off you are as a family, but it costs money to run a mistress. My mother had to borrow money off her mother to buy luxuries such as food. I cannot tell you how angry it makes me that he was spending money on these other women that should have been spent on his children.

But ... Some couples really do get through this stronger & happier. And some marriages continue quite pleasantly despite a straying partner. It's all down to the individuals involved; every marriage really is unique.

I just don't think divorce is the only possible answer to every infidelity. It's a big shock to find out your partner isn't the person you thought he was, and your marriage isn't what you'd believed. Horrible. I know, I've been there (and I did end it). It really does take a while to figure it all out - and, preferably, some distance.

@Mabel - I'm not trying to devalue your opinion, btw.

Thanks for all your messages.

He watched me go through 4.5 days of labour (baby was back to back), ending in a violent instrumental delivery. I had booked a home birth as I was terrified of being in hospital. Then he watched me sitting next to our baby's incubator in SCBU (a few days after we took him home he became extremely jaundiced and dehydrated).

And then he arranged a sordid meeting for sex while I was struggling to cope with sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, and trying to process what had happened to me.

Bastard.

Sounds like total escapism. Best way to avoid having to process something is to run away. But yes, selfish in the extreme.

Sounds like a bit more than escapism... You don't suddenly think "oh I know, I'll shag that older woman at the office" and arrange a hotel room in a space of days. There had to be something going on beforehand in order for him to know it was an option.

I meant throughout the pregnancy

Grace, that's fine, I do understand there are many ways to run a marriage, and tbh, if I found that dh was cheating on me now, it wouldn't automatically mean divorce. However, I think that a man, like the op's h (and my father), who can cheat so soon after marriage and during his wife's pregnancy and show little remorse when confronted but instead continues to lie, has no respect whatsoever for his partner or their marriage vows which will not bode well for their future together.

Sorry Brahms

Kodit so sorry you are going through this. If it where me it would be immediate divorce.

Grace it's not the infidelity itself that means divorce, but the deceit and lying and lack og trust. If you can't trust your partner what is the point of being with them?

Yes some couples can work through infidelity, but I bet the trust is never fully earnt back.

ohhh, tht picture you paint is horrible, kodit

I am so sorry

and she is the same age as your mother you say ?

the wine is talking now (sorry) but fucking hell, what a skank he is

please, take yourself down to the GUM clinic...he could have left you with more than a nagging sense of doubt...

btw, I am probably the same age as your mother but would never contemplate shagging a younger man with a newborn baby

they fucking deserve each other

Agree that anyone who was his 'world' would not be treated like this. He doesn't want to end his RL because he doesn't love this woman. He probably DOES love you, but there was a lack of respect in the way he acted that I would not be able to get over.

Wonder how he would feel if he suddenly found that you'd nipped off for a shag when he needed you? Just a thought... And probably not a helpful one.

Just makes me so mad.

He has a heart condition and will need an op in the next few years. Maybe I should shag around then?! Feeling very angry now. I've arranged to stay at a friend's house with my son for the next few days.

A heart problem? What, is he on the waiting list to get one?

SATC quote, couldn't resist. Sorry.

ohhh, you have a lot of support here kodit

anger is good...you should be angry