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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help a very sad and confused new dad

475 replies

LostBoy · 21/02/2010 11:25

Hello all
I am writing this post out of shher desperation in the hope that someone will be able to offer me some helpful advice.
I have been with my wife for 8 years and we have had what i would consider a normal healthy loving relationship, Of course we have had ups and downs and rows and disagreements but no more so than any other couple I know.
We have recently become parents (9 months ago) to a beautiful baby girl and things at first were fine we were a very happy little family and were getting along really great working as a team learning how to be a family.
Our daughter had slept in her cot from the day we come home from the hospital and would wake on average 3 times a night for feeds.
we both shared all responsibilites and were supporting one another really well and really enjoying being parents.
However when the baby was around 6 months old she got a bad cold and was very poorly and upset and would not sleep without being cuddled so we had her in bed with us which was fine and we both discussed that we would not let her get used to this and as soon as she was better she would go back to her cot as our bed is not big enough for all three of us and both me and my wife were not sleeping as well as a result.
However when the baby was well agian my wife refused to put her back in to her cot and insisted the baby sleep in with us saying that the baby would no longer sleep in the cot which was untrue as I had been putting her down to sleep in the cot but my wife was then getting her out of the cot and bringing her in to bed with us.
I tried to explain to her that I thought this was not a good thing to be doing as it was a big step backwards for the baby and none of us were sleeping as well anymore.
She accused me of not wanting the baby in our bed so because I wanted sex which was totally not the case as I love my wife very much and would like nothing more than to be able to make love to her but she has told me that she dosent feel ready too and that is fine with me and I would never ever try to pressure her in to something she did not want and I told her this and that I was more than happy to wait as long as she needed.
ut then she started to accuse me of only doing stuff for her helping her and being nice to her so that she would have sex with me, she also began to accuse me of thinking things and would make her mind up what my intentions were and what i was going to say before I had had a chance to say anything choosing always to see the bad side of whatever I said or twst my words and actions in to something really ugly,
I love my wife with all my heart and it is deeply upsetting for me to hear the spiteful and nasty stuff she says about me and accuses me of.
It got so bad thet she would not let me even hug kiss or touch her and whenever I showed any sign of affection towards her she would get angry,
She is seeing a CBT councellor for post natal depression and we have been going to relate together but she is unwilling to try to make it work and it has now come to the stage where she is saying she dosent love me and has made me move out of our flat and I an now staying with friends.
I have continued to tell her I love her and that I will always be there for her and tried to make her feel better about herself but all i get in return is anger and spitefull comments.
She is almost unrecognosible as the woman I Love and behaves so completely irratonally and unreasonably but refuses to see this and blames me for everything and gets angry over nothing and will use anything to try to start a fight with me. I am at a total loss as to what to do now.
I love my wife so much and she has given me the most amazing thing in the world all I want is to be able to love them both care for them be there and be a family. But she has got so hostile and aggressive towards me now that I am scared for her and cannot stand to be around her and see her this way.
Our daughter is upset that I am not around and although I try to be ther as much as I can my wife is making it impossible for me to vist and refuses to let me be alone with the baby.
please please help me I have never felt so sad and desperate.

OP posts:
FioFio · 22/02/2010 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Doodlez · 22/02/2010 10:00

Having a baby isn't a series of situations or problems that need to be over-come.

Lostboy, do you think you may have been too prescriptive or black and white about how things need to be done whilst your wife is feeling more like letting things happen organically as they arise?

Perhaps this is where the conflict arises?

Guttersnipe · 22/02/2010 10:03

So nice to read the voices of reason in piffle's and fio's posts. I am sorry not to see you two old hands posting more often (old Mner in a disguise here).

I think a lot of us would admit to some irrationality in the early parenting days if we were being honest. I also thought my dh could have written a lot, though not all, of the OP. For that matter, my dh got so angry with me 3 days after my second child was born, he put his hands round my throat. I was furiously angry with him and shoved him away from me. I still haven't forgiven him 12 years down the line. But, no he is not abusive, neither am I, we are happily married, and I have only occasionally wanted him to piss off . It was just the stress of new parenthood that temporarily made us different people.

Spoof · 22/02/2010 10:03

What a depressing thread.

Lostboy, inbetween all fighting and viciousness, there has been some good advice.

I think if your wife is b/feeding, then she really does have carte-blanche in terms of co-sleeping/cot sleeping. It's her that has to get up and down (even if it was only 2 ft) in the night.

Sounds as though a lot of your wife's anxiety started after your DD was poorly, which is quite common too.

I hope you manage to resolve things.

NFI · 22/02/2010 10:18

Some of you people are deranged. And you wonder why the papers portray MN negatively sometimes .

Lostboy I wish you the very best of luck and hope that you and your wife can work things out. From the way her behaviour has changed so dramatically, it definitely sounds as though she is suffering from PND, but thankfully you say she is getting counselling.

All you can do is continue to be there for her, continue to be supportive, understand that much of this could be the depression talking.

bundle · 22/02/2010 10:22

I agree with piffle and fio

lostboy I do hope you can sort this out

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 10:23

I haven't been deranged!

It was an Aga.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/02/2010 10:26

I'm not deranged, I'm eccentric.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 22/02/2010 10:26

I also had a range, but not an Aga. It was beautiful and maroon. So, you could say I was ranged and marooned.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 10:54

I think crowing over peoples de-rangement and agalessness is extremely negative behaviour.

Ranges are beautiful

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 10:56

Eccentricity was my future profession of choice, when I was a bairn.

"I want to be 'an eccentric' when I grow up."

Anniegetyourgun · 22/02/2010 10:56

Ranges in the night, exchanging glances...

Blu · 22/02/2010 11:01

Lostboy, I am so sorry about what has happened, and wish you luck in finding a way forward. I have nothing to add to the advice which is supportive...and I hope that you wife also has good RL friends to support her.

I was happy with co-sleeping, it was the only thing my DS wanted to do, but it is true that the disturbed nights, and retreat of my DP, and then when DS was older we took it in turns, to the spare bedroom has had a long term not-good effect. I think it's a case of managing the knock-on effects rather than making co-sleeping a battleground. But in any case, you have a bigger problem now, and I do hope all can be reconciled.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 22/02/2010 11:02

The moment posters started challenging LostBoy about not having the baby wipes to hand was the point when I thought all reason had gone out of the window. I would have lost count of the amount of times my H or I asked eachother to fetch the wipes during an emergency nappy change, especially when we had two DCs under 3 at one point.

The first year of babyhood is bloody tough on a marriage and during those years, especially after the first DC, when it is all such a shock, I do think that listening and communication generally is compromised between couples. Add PND to the mix, a terrible lack of sleep for all of them - and it is not surprising that this is happening. I have often heard it said that divorce should be made impossible during the first year - and although that is of course impractical, I can see the sentiment.

Perhaps Lostboy doesn't always listen very actively - it's a fault that many of us have had at times in our marriages, but that's surviveable.

I really hope the counselling and treatment for your wife's PND helps LostBoy.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 11:03

Aw Annie, sound enagaoured with each other...

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 11:04

...or maybe enamelled...

nonna1 · 22/02/2010 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

piprabbit · 22/02/2010 11:18

I've read nothing in this thread that makes me think that we should be flinging accusations and blame at Lostboy. It sounds as though the whole family needs support, and the fact that the wife is being treated for PND and that they are going to Relate is a good sign.

New fathers often feel as shocked and adrift as new mums, as they try and adapt to parenthood. Unfortunately, the (relatively small) amount of day-to-day support for new parents is often geared towards mums. It is sad that Mumsnet (by parents for parents) seems to find it so hard to trust and offer support to a father.

I hope the OP looks after his own well-being for a while, and finds some RL support.

Also, I found this article for partners of women with PND interesting and hopeful.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 11:20

Nonna, are you serious? If so, please consider reporting your post and having it removed to protect the privacy of your daughter and grandchild, due to the use of his name.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 11:23

Oh, surely not serious given the OP talks about a daughter?

I'm reverting to eccentric Aga's for the sake of my sanity.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 22/02/2010 11:29

at so many aspects of this thread. Baffling.

FioFio · 22/02/2010 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 11:30

Oooh, is it a polytroll?!

I've never met one of those.

Or several.

EcoMouse · 22/02/2010 11:32

Fio, that crossed my mind but then I thought it was unlikely given she opened her post with his 'name' IYSWIM?

Maybe she'll come back to enlighten us.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 22/02/2010 11:36

Ian is not a very common name for a baby these days, is it? I think maybe she missed out a comma.

Or maybe he referred to the child as a girl, to avoid recognition?