help and thoughts please........husband and money

[linconlass]

feeling really sad and am worried that i may be criticised but here goes..married to a lovely kind man who i met when young - have two children.When met was in my i dont care about money phase - did nt think about it at all.Now i have children I find that i am thinking more of wanting a traditional provider -and i admit -and i wish i didnt feel like this i truly do-that im starting to resent that he is not more of an" alpha male" so that we can have more of a buffer - not worry bout money ,be able to have hols abroad,more treats and to provide for the children when theyare older such as help them with deposit for house etc. im starting to resent his lack of drive to provide this and -please dont go crazy at me - have discovered that deep down - I think that its his job not mine to do this.He works full time for a county council and so do I- we both are educated to degree level but the public service pay is limited!!! .I have tried to make myself not think this way!! I realise that many families are in sameboat- its just that i feel worried about my felings !

I would suggest you speak with your DH about your income (collectively) and what you'd like to have moeny for and how this could be brought into your household. Don't put too much pressure on him. Maybe the problem here is that you need to change your mindset. My DH was in a job he hated and I supported him to change his career. He's now retraining in a role he loves but the effect of all this was that I have become the main earner in our house. It's a role I've had to learn to fill and it carries more responsibility with it than I imagined.

Hmm, it's a weird one this - probably because it's a comparatively recent dilemma, so we haven't inherited generations of wisdom over it.

Clearly, you need to share your concerns & listen to his - have the conversation Maxpower mentions above. I suspect you also need to add money know-how to your recent money interest! Once your basic requirements are met (as yours are), managing money is far more important than making it. It's an acquired skill. Get learning!

Possibly not relevant, but: My best friend stressed for decades about her DH's limited earning power, and his unwillingness to take on more jobs to make more money. She worked flexi hours while bringing up the DCs. She was full of resentment. A few years ago, she started taking her career more seriously. She loves it! She's become work-focused, she earns more and doesn't worry so much about the home. Almost by magic, DH started earning more and doing more around the house.

Resentment makes everyone cross. It holds everything back.

Honestly - alpha males are twats. You don't want one. Can I ask, if you are both at a similar level careerwise why can't you be the one to try and make more money?

This is a bit sad, IMO. Why can't you be happy with what you've got?

I like alpha males too, but it's about them for me, not the money.

Alpha males are great for fun but a pain to live with... I have to resist my appetite for them in the future.

It occurs to me that he's probably home a lot more than many high earning dads are. Is this really about the money ?

You sound like a friend of mine. She has a sense of entitlement to the richer life, but no desire to work to help achieve it. It drives me mad to hear her constantly complaining about what she doesn't have..

Stay away from the alpha males, believe me, they're not all they're cracked up to be!!
Loveliness and kindness count for so much more than financial status, please don't underestimate how important a quality this is.

And if you want your DH to earn more money, you have to accept the often crazy hours which go with it. Yes, you might be richer, but you'll end up dealing with the dc's alone all the time, and likely equally be resentful over that.

Thankyou all for your messgages. Itsgrace again - you have made important point - ive never been active at managing money !!yes will try to learn more - any suggestions how to start.??
Brahms- why cant i work more - because i work till 3, do all the childcare pick up from school ,cook tea,plans social things ,clean house ,do food shop, and do all the laundry.If we swap roles wed just be on same income.If i increase my hours to beyond 3 then no one to collect childrn from school - we have no family locally.I did get a childminder/freind to do this a s a trail for a while but as i had to pay her there wasnt much gain .plus i admit i like to be homemaker !!i think its important.maybe thats the key - that i think its more important than ££...I WILL THINK ABOUT THIS.ps dh did have senior management position but didnt like it hence reduction in income with the same bills..he feels better but it challenges me.ps cant there be kind alpha males?!i dont know....!

Nice reply, thanks linconlass

Martin Lewis's MoneySavingExpert.com is positively addictive once you get into it! Don't get put off by its very 'busy' appearance, just click around things that grab your attention and you'll soon start to feel VERY interested! The site helps you save money, maximise your funds AND make money (manage your money, then ) - and the forums are really helpful.

Good to see you're sorting out your priorities now; everything's a trade-off in life. Once you've worked it all out, I'm pretty sure you and DH will both feel more secure about where you are & where you're going ... thus, happier.

The trouble with being an Alpha Male (or an Alpha Female) is you don't get all that money for nothing! Working 12-14 hour days, plus schmoozing most nights a week, plus the golf weekends AND being expected to talk, live, dream and think about the job 24/7 don't exactly make for a full & satisfying home life ... I would have killed for a "wife"! I hired someone to do my home stuff, but I rarely saw her. Alpha Wives don't see much of their hubbies, either. They need the money to help fill the emotional void.

If you have a Beta Male and learn to work with your funds, you can get the best of both worlds.

Well you could have him pick up the kids and do the house stuff, while you go on to a senior management job. I understand if you don't want to, but you have to understand if he doesn't want to - the feeling is just the same.

Grace is right re time. Also, I have noticed that alpha males get the urge to 'trade up' their wives once they reach a certain status. I know several personally who have. You don't want him to go that far! Seriously, I knew one guy who had started off in a lowish position but worked (and fought) his way to the top. He said that his wife didn't 'suit' his new status... knob. He said he wanted me as her replacement, I kindly told him to go fuck himself. Honestly, power and money changes people.

thanks all - you have been great help and allowed me to try to think thing throughx hope return favour one dayx!in meantime will try appriciate plus log on to moneysaving expert!! xx