So upset by my parents - don't know how to react....

[fifitot]

Any advice on this most welcome.

I have a somewhat complicated relationship with my mother. She is a worrier to the point where it is chronic and almost psychotic. She has had CBT for it. I tend to keep most worrying things to myself because of it. In addition she is one of those people who thinks she can just say what she wants without consequences and I think she is very selfish.

I find myself unexpectedly pregnant again in my 40s. Granted it is not the best in terms of my age, my financial situation etc. However I am pleased.

I didn't tell her I was pg for a while as I suspected she would be stressed. However I really didn't expect the extreme reaction I got today. She was weeping and wailing, finding every negative under the sun such as risks to me and the child (of course we have already considered these), having no money (we have, though 2 kids costs more than 1 obviously), the fact I will be an 'old woman' when the kids are in their teens, how stressed out and tired I am with just one ( aren't all parents...)

i could go on. I found it insulting that she thinks as an adult woman with a bloody responsible job, I can't handle life with 2 children. Yes it's hard but FFS people do it. I am older but age doesn't always go with ill health does it?

I am so hurt. Both my parents kept going how about how worried they were and how I 'have to see it from their point of view'. Well yes but what about mine???? The worst things was she said ' don't expect congratulations because I don't think it's appropriate'.

I am so upset. I know there are negatives to this situation but if you have a glass half empty approach to life when would you ever be happy?

They live 200ml away so don't see them every day but tbh feel like just not speaking to them for a while. I am going to get DH to screen my calls, let them stew in their own juices. I really don't think I should spend my time placating them, making them feel happy with what's happened. Where is my support? I get criticism for a basic and not uncommon occurence - an unplanned pg.

Any suggestions? i feel desperate really and feel I don't ever want to speak to them again!

Sorry for rambling post and too long I know.

How awful.

No, don't speak to them for a while. Let them stew. What a terrible selfish way to behave!

But, otoh, many congratulations on your pregnancy . How lovely for you.

Why on earth do you have to see your pregnancy from their point of view?

Congratulations are the only appropriate response to the news that someone is pregnant. Unless you know for 100% sure that they are horrified by the news and will not welcome them.

I think you are right to take a step back from them. Their reaction is weird and unfair and causing you unnecessary stress.

BTW - Congratulations! Don't let your parents' reaction spoil this for you.

I agree. Let them stew. Concentrate on yourself and your baby, don't even bother trying to placate them.

CONGRATULATIONS!

totally bizzare behaviour, I would keep well away congratulations btw!

You lucky, lucky thing!!! Congratulations! The only way I could fall pregnant now would be most def unplanned. DH says no more as we are financially strapped .................. so for what it's worth, I think you are wonderfully fortunate!

Your mother, on the other hand, has a screw loose and is mean and nasty and self centred. You do NOT NOT NOT have to see your pregnancy from their point of view. What a goddam ridiculous thing to say!

Avoid her. I agree, too, about letting them stew.

You lucky lucky thing!!! [very inappropriate envy emoticon]

Congratulations fifitot - it will be wonderful.

Absolutely let them stew - for a short while. Then tell them that you were very hurt by your mother's response; that it was cruel; that it has entirely ruined what should have been an exciting and precious time and that you will need a little time to absorb and with luck get over it.

I think your mother needs a firm line to be drawn.

Firstly, huge congratulations on your pregnancy - planned or not, both you and your DH are happy, so it is fantastic news

Definitely agree with the others and say you take a big step back from them, for now. The reaction from both of them is totally inappropriate. It is also terribly sad. I do hope they come round to accepting the baby and welcoming their new grandchild into the world.

Best of luck with your pregnancy.

Thankyou so much for your replies. I am in tears here. They really have made me feel like I have done something wrong.

I KNOW pregancies late in life are not unproblematic but nothing in life is ever straightforward, just wish they could see it that way.

Thankyou all for making me feel that they are being weird and not me.

Wow, congratulations fifi. Well done clever girl!! I am four million years old and penniless to boot but I would have another child like a shot. So of you. What a fetile sphinx you are.

As for you mother? Boot, arse and door.

feRtile

tonight have made a choc cake, roast chicken and pancakes so I am forgiving myself the R

Sorry to hear her comments have taken the shine off your little "surprise"!! Congratulations, how exciting to have another one!

I think the fact that you've said your mum is an obsessive worrier almost to the point of being psychotic is your answer really. She is only seeing all the negatives and none of the positive. And I feel sorry for her - what a life to lead, to only ever loook on the dark side of life. And for that reason, you could just detach yourself from her emotional outbursts, just stand back and totally let her comments wash over you ignored in the knowledge that in effect she has a mental illness and what she's saying is a load of nonsense.

Or maybe you could do the opposite and kind of pander to the daftness of it by faking concern for her and saying "Oh I can see how worried you are, it'll do no good for your nerves and certainly won't help mine so perhaps you will feel better staying away from us and your new grandchild until you come round to the idea. And to make it even less of a worry we will never ask you to babysit or spend any time with our child that you aren't happy with."

Hopefully she will have a think and see how ridiculous she is being.

First of all, congratulations

I had a slightly similar parental experience to you (except our (number 4) pg was completely unplanned, and I'm 36). But before my mother knew about how much turmoil I actually was in about it, she went off on a complete rant about how selfish DH was (he'd promised to go for the snip after number 3), and how my body wouldn't cope because I've already had three relatively close together, how it was all his fault, and that I was bound to end up with PND now, and we've only just moved house and how could we afford it all, and she was crying and ranting for ages etc. BUT, after the shock wore off, she apologised profusely and said that it was only because she was so worried about me and the risks to me and the baby, now that I am an 'older' mother, and of course she adores DH, and she didn't mean it.

I agree with the others that it is not a helpful reaction and it does seem a bit odd for her to demand that you see it from their POV, but if you usually have a good relationship with them, maybe give them a bit of a chance to digest the news - they may then realise that their reaction was extreme.

Congratulations firstly. I think it's a blessing, and i hope it all goes well for you and your baby.

Your mother is being an idiot. ignore, rise above and don't blame yourself or hurt yourself for her behaviour. being worreid about you is one thing, being a worrier is another. ok like you said she pron has problems psycologically, but she really needs to be told that it wasn't acceptable.

I am also quite of you, and at 41 I wonder if i will be in your position before it all goes tit's up/down!!!

Thankyou all. What you are saying makes perfect sense. I need to calm down and let them deal with it now. If they want to be so negative then there is little I can do about it.

it makes sense, but it doesn't take away the hurt, yet hey, you have a new baby growing, how cool is that!!!

Congratulations is the only appropriate response to the news that someone is pregnant.

They are being horribly selfish.

This is good news!

There is a thread in Chat with lots of 40+ mums with babies and toddlers (I am one of them). There isn't one of us on there who regrets getting pregnant in our forties or who had any horrible health problems. I would have another one like a shot if I could afford it and would be delighted to get accidentally pregnant because then there would be no choice to be made.

You would be very welcome to join our thread!

mumsnet not-yet-invented-drawing-capability:

I herewith present you with:

a large belly

a football boot

a beatific smile

yes it's MN pictionary

(Bend it Like Beckham meets Bernadette of Lourdes? Sorry, confused by own post idiot)

Congratulations! Please don't let your mother change the way you feel about this. You're happy! Don't let anyone take that away from you, not even your mother!

I think that she sounds like my mother. My mother 'steals' other peoples problems, situations, life events and uses them to gain attention for herself, or to make herself the centre of attention.

does that sound at all familiar?

If so, then the best thing to do is to take it back from her.

"With the best will in the world, mum, it's MY life. It doesn't affect you one way or the other, so stop trying to make it all about you."

First of all congratulations.

I would keep her at arms length for now, until she can be more positive. You need to concentrate on you and don't need to hear this.

Hopefully she will come round. My mother had a similar reaction when I told her I was pg. I was 22 and "living in sin" with a man I hadn't been seeing long. She told me I ought to get an abortion, that my dp would leave me (now dh) and that the baby would probably be disabled. She is now the most doting grandma ever. God knows why she reacted the way she did, probably worry that my dp would leave me. Maybe she meant well.

Congratulations!

How very odd of your mum. I think the worst thing about it is that you might then feel uncomfortable about saying 'blimey i'm KNACKERED' to her when the time comes - because let's face it, there is no mother on earth who isn't knackered all some of the time, in case they throw it back at you.

Oh. Unless you hadn't thought of that, in which case i've put it in your mind!

I think you are quite within your rights to cool contact for a while - I really hope that it was just a shock reaction and they will fall over themselves to apologise shortly.

Many congratulations on your pg.

Yes, screen the calls and nurture yourself and your immediate family. Honestly, 'tis fabulous news and don't let your mother's "me me me" thinking tell you different.

I think sometimes that parents speak without thinking .....and clearly your mums history means shes likely to go ott, when we discovered I was pregnant with ds1 fil said to dh 'you cant bloody look after that little girl let alone a baby!!!...he didnt mean it like that what he meant was that I was working v hard at the time and fil didnt think that women should have that sort of responsibility at such a young age ....I was 19....

missed half me post grrrr.

Congratulations!!! and yes distance yourself for a bit and enjoy your special time im rather of you....

Congratulations . I had my third at 41 - no probs. I'd love to be pregnant again in my mid 40s.

Let them stew. Just enjoy being pregnant - I'm absolutely sure they will come round eventually.

Definitely congratulations!

I do feel for you, though - I was in a similar position a few years ago, pregnant at 40 to new DP, whilst still going through hideous drawn-out divorce proceedings with my ex (with the attendant financial trauma). DP and I were thrilled to bits. Mother says with a very disappointed look "Oh. I really don't know what to say." The wind was so taken out of my sails, I found myself telling her we'd taken a few risks, when DS was in fact very planned . I got people telling me I was mad, telling me I'd be exhausted, etc. etc., and generally being slightly disapproving. I felt like I was being treated like a schoolgirl mum with a shameful secret when actually I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

A counsellor said to me when I was at my lowest ebb (sick of so many friends and family passing judgment because the way I live my life doesn't fit their template) that I have to put my own little family unit first, and leave everyone else to their own petty mindedness. It's up to them to change their minds, not to me to force them to.

Good luck with it all. And the tiredness isn't a given - I felt much tireder when my teens were tiny than I have with no. 3. And I'm a much more relaxed parent than I was then.